I have just come back from a weekend away with gf and a couple of her friends, was actually really nice to be away just enjoying a weekend and quite honestly not a single thought of any of these issues. Back to the real world today and still going strong. I am in the double digits now for days with no PM, and it is a good feeling. I honestly think this is the best I have ever done with doing this, not that any other of my attempts have ever been as structured as this time, in the past it was always a thought within me that I shouldn't do this any more. Into full swing of ramping up for exam, I even get time off work to study at home for this exam, my study is postgraduate work for my job so in fact it is part of my job that I do this. Which now this puts me in a place where I wont be heading to work during the day, I will be spending long hours at the computer trying to ram this information into my head and I will be minimizing distractions so that I can focus more on study. All I can say is thank goodness I have this format here for me, I'm sure I will be touching base more here over the next week as I potentially find myself with more opportunities to fall of the wagon with this. So along with my study I will be also putting more focus on the work I am doing here with recognising my triggers, developing my activities and strategies for distracting/diverting myself at time of need and putting work into developing my values especially in relation to why I want to do this work for myself. I am holding close to myself that I know falling of this wagon will destroy the relationship I have built over the last year. It was great on our drive home from the airport we had a great talk about our relationship, how relationships should work, how we think we might deal with conflict, about where we stand on our commitment to our relationship and many other things. It was a good open conversation and really was nice to find we are on the same wavelength with many things. After a failed marriage and a failed long term relationship it is a nice place to be a fairly new relationship and to be in a place where we are discussing many of these things at this stage. It was a nice reinforcement of the great shape our relationship is in at this stage. Lastly I want to thank you 1MLA and DBA for your words of encouragement, they actually mean a lot to me and along with this work here, it is your advise and encouragement that have me in a really good place right now. Thank you.
So I can to a realisation in my journaling this morning and it was a nice moment of clarity. The realisation was along the lines of; if by not turning to PM to get a fix there, my desire and need for my gf will stay high and so when we do get together my desire for her will be high and she will feel that in me and know that I really want her which will in turn feed into her desire for me. But if I damp down that desire with PM then she will feel that too and she will wonder why I don't desire her as much. And this is the pattern I see in my past relationships where I have quashed my raw desire for my woman by chasing that quick fix with PM and that has left me showing up in my relationship as less because I am not showing up to her with the raw desire that lets her know how I really want her. Now I think this is not so much an obvious thing because in my past relationships I have still wanted to have sex with my then partners but it is the subliminal thing where I am not showing up with that pure desire but instead just kinda wanting the physical thing as well as still being stuck in my addition to the pixel and fake thing. Now I'm not sure if I have summarized my moment of clarity very concisely here as what I had when I was journaling but still it is a reasonable summary here and let me say it was a nice moment of clarity which just reinforces all the work I am doing here. Now I am sure there is lots of information about this exact thing in the resources, I'm sure that the ybop website probably has this exact thing detailed there somewhere and I probably have even read it somewhere, but it is nice when that moment happens that it truly rings true for me, that moment where something just clicks inside and deep down in my soul I now really understand what is going on.
@downunder23 makes total sense man! I often say desire itself is conditioned by those pixels, modern people have a fowl habit of repeatedly preferring fake to the real. Processed foods to the nutritious, gaming over actual exercise, erotic lit/pornography to actual intimacy. Like you write, you didn't show up, you thwarted your desire, and now you're owning it! You realise how you were 'then' and btw that's all of us too. You're on the money there, porn is castration, it's a eunuch lifestyle. As I read on ybop and Reddit, all porn is cuckold porn, doesn't matter if one has a cuckold fetish or likes watching vanilla p, all in all one is watching someone enact 'their desires' and on that note, all p is gay porn, if we're watching another man (assuming most men aren't into lesbian/solo female). I know I risk being incendiary but p is the scourge of the age, given the above, habitual use, teaches us to get in our own way. 'No I can't get/attain that job/that woman, I'm not that guy, let's settle'. How many of us, have had our crushes reciprocate our desire, and we have more than subliminally let them know that we're not dependable? (I'm raising my hand). If we're still boys being breastfed porn by the net, they'll notice that. And like countless have commented on ybop they notice you changing. I'm super proud of you, these realisations will continue coming thick and fast, and you'll change forever, the butterfly just won't go back in the cocoon, so keep faith in the process Remember:
well @1MoreLookAway , I'm not entirely sure about the butterfly thing. maybe more like a moth or something with me lol, but still this is certainly a great awakening. I have been aware of the issues surrounding P and it's impact on us, but like every driven junkie I just rationalised away all the things I know that are harming me and turned them in my own twisted mind into excuses that I would just brush away in order to get my fix. I think that just in the last day or so I have felt this getting a bit harder for me, perhaps the enforced isolation at home studying for my pending exam is leaving a lot of space for some of those urges to really gain a little more force within me. So steps I have taken so far that have worked have been I got out and pulled down the 'tower/dash' of my motorbike to see if I could diagnose what I feel like is a movement in possibly the head bearing or I actually suspect is a bouncing of the instrument cluster / lighting housing. So that was a good gap filler between study sessions and I enjoy playing with stuff like that; not that it matters lol but I really can't feel any play in the head bearing and I really doesn't feel like the issue is there. I have also gotten back on my drums, I haven't touched them for a while so I am getting back to some of my fundamental work there. I think tonight I will get in and do more work on my lists and motivations for this work because I honestly think tonight is going to be a real struggle with this, my kids were supposed to come over tonight but plans have changed a little so they will drop by tomorrow and then for the weekend I will look after my daughters dog as she gets away for the weekend with her mum to a speedway event this weekend. The dog can be a little brat but still will be nice to have the weekend with his company as I study and will be good chance for the dog to get more comfortable with me, bit of a peer when strangers come around, be nice for him not to pee anytime I pat him. So aside from the above tonight I think will be probably the biggest challenge since starting this process because since starting here I have been pretty busy really and as such haven't had to face the issue too much but also I think like anything my strength and motivation to start with were super high. It was like everything we do, when we start and it is all new and the motivation is super high, because yeah I was making this massive change in my life and was super pumped and it was probably pretty easy to be strong. But now that has worn off, the glitter has gone as such, now it is into the daily grind of this process and I think this is when it will get difficult. I am glad I have put the effort I have into this so far, I have got a good start on the list as proposed by @DBA and so at times like this I will have this to continue to work on. So plan right now is sort some dinner out, chill with a little idiot box then get back here to work a bit on my lists and on expanding on the work I have already done. I will stand strong tonight, I will not cave because I know that if I do it will destroy not only the amazing relationship I have but it will destroy me, I will not let thing get the better of me, with doing the necessary work I will get through this, I believe in myself, I have a plan and this plan will carry me though.
Glad that the list has helped. Have you got yourself an accountability / recovery partner? I would not have got to 90 days with that support.
Actually no I have not yet, I will jump into the part of this forum for that and sort that out, thank you for the reminder
The way I it was not to use the accountability tool. That enables you to skype, phone etc. But you lose your anonymity. So I asked for a partner in a post (or you could open a new thread asking for one). Then I went to conversations on my account and opened a new conversation with my partner. We then write to each other each day. If you have difficulties working out how to do this let me know.
Yes I get the bit about the anonymity, which I think would be good to keep, simply would make it easier to say everything you need to say. I had a look at the conversations part and it seems easy enough to get going, so thank you I will surely utilize this when I manage to link up with someone. I want to update here for myself, I am still on the wagon as such, so going on 17 days now which is brilliant. It is amazing just how many times a day that those little pesky thoughts drop into my head, at all sorts of moments, the thought just sneaks in there, like it wiggles it's way from my subconscious into my conscious thoughts and then, pop, the thought is there. What I do like is just how aware of it I am now, and on of the ones that I would always fall for before were the bloody youtube or instagram traps of they show an image of scantily clad girls to get you to hope in and watch their thing. But now, I immediately realize what is going on and I take great pride in just not giving in and scrolling right past. I like the awareness I now have of these things, of all the little traps that are there that we just don't realize we are being drawn in to the land of pixel fantasy. It certainly has made real life a lot nicer, real life sex, real life intimacy is just all real and fulfilling again. A big saving grace for me in these early days of this reform is the shear amount of work I have to do leading up to an exam and then I have been able to, in my down time, be able to spend good quality time with my gf. And quite honestly I want to attribute all that this this site here, and the support I received here and just the resources and outlet I get by coming here, this has what has made this all possible, I simply couldn't have done it what out this site here.
Just ask if someone will act as your recovery or accountability partner. Then write daily in the conversation, telling him your real first name and asking him if he will tell you his. That makes the conversation much easier. Good luck.
just a quickie here for my records. still going strong on the PM, still amazing how those little niggles hit, I think it is just a reflex that my mind does, but otherwise going strong. exam in 2 days and yep stressing out so honestly that is my main concern on my mind.
1 day till exam, stress levels at max, still going strong, no PM, nice thing to note is not thinking bout turning to PM to relieve stress or anything. Staying strong.
been busy the last few days in a really good way, exam is over and done with, I only have 6 months left on my post grad and then I will have my life fully back again. It was nice to hop on here and see my counter is nearly at 27 days, almost at the 30 day mark. What is also nice is that I didn't know that till I hopped on here and saw where my days were at because just in my day to day life I am not counting, and I like it that I am not counting in my head because lets be honest there shouldn't be a count because it is a case of never again so the number of days shouldn't be important. But it certainly is a nice affirmation of the progress I am making by approaching a milestone like 30 days. It still surprises me how just within the minutia of my days I still get those little moments when the pull just pops into my subconscious and just tugs at that little drive to go there, but it is also nice how I can divert and I have much more awareness of the process. I am still fully grateful for this process and forum here, for I know I could not have made it this far without this forum.
So nice to log in and see my counter is up to 32 days, yay me!! Have been nice and busy lately, well busy enough to not have those times just siting and allowing the thoughts to drift into my head. Winter is with us in full force and so dealing with all the things that this cold weather brings, but for us what it also brings is some glorious days at times and they are great for getting out and enjoying our country side. So have been doing that a little too when I have the chance. This year though it is an amazing feeling that has come with being PM free, none of those dark nights where I would bing on it and end up feeling so shit about myself about it. There is like this clarity that has come with this, it is nice that I have the other things I have going to keep my focus on them. So doing well at the moment, enjoying the clarity and making the most of opportunities to get out and about, in and around the sometimes dreary winter weather.
Thought it was about time I checked back in here, been quite a while since I have been on here which has been really good. So no looking at P still which I am really happy about. I did have once night where I M just thinking of my GF, we had been having great sex but I just had not been able to climax and this night I was at my home and I guess needed the release and it was just that for me which really took the pressure off me with my gf which funnily enough allowed me to really relax when we where together and has allowed me to climax with her after this. I have to say it has been nice not feeling the need to check in here because the urge for P just hasn't been there, so not checking in here has been because I just didn't need the reminder that I might want to look at P lol. But like everything I need to keep doing this work because I know letting this drop completely is a way to lead me to the type of complacent attitude that will probably mean I will simply relapse into that awful P cycle that will undo everything I have achieved over the last couple of months.
