Is life worth living? Definitely my depression/panic attacks are due to O (from real sex and P).....

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by auzzie_mikey, Apr 26, 2019.

  1. auzzie_mikey

    auzzie_mikey Active Member

    Hey guys, sometimes I just wonder to myself, Is life really worth living? It just seems so hard at times. I have never tried any drugs, I never have actually gotten drunk (last had alcohol about 3 years ago), and never even tried a cigarette.

    In January 2019, I was on TOP of the WORLD, I was going out, getting girls, I bought a new CAR, bought new clothes, was going out 2-3 times a week and confidence and happiness was sky HIGH.

    And since 28th January 2019, I have been suffering depression, where I don't enjoy anything at all. and whenever i go in public I feel completely weak and people can sense my weakness straight away. People try to arc up and size up on me.

    My anxiety reached so bad in the public, that I started to get pressure in my stomach and started to have panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I've never experienced debilitating anxiety to such an extent. This is when I thought enough is enough that I need to consult and visit a psychiatrist cause I had reached breaking point.

    Honestly, like I've never touched any illicit substances, haven't had alcohol, never tried any cigarettes and don't have any addictions at all.

    My life was literally perfect and I am working and studying in a good profession and doing a good degree. I have got friends to hang out, I was getting girls. What I am saying is I literally had no reason to get depression at all after having such a fulfilling life.

    The only 1 thing I can point to having this depression and anxiety is from Oing and having a lot of sex with girls and also PMOing about 4-6 times in the last year (2018). Cause I have analysed to every end and also asked what is the typical reason people have depression and normal reason people have depression. I have literally everything going well in my life and had no reason to ever suffer this depression and anxiety that I suffered at the moment.

    I also have extremely high self-esteem and have no reason to feel weak at all.

    This anxiety and depression have stooped me to new lows that I have ever seen. Like it has been completely a change in personality for me and I have like dug several levels below the Earth. Everyday feels so horrible to me. I get no joy in anything.

    Like I try doing things that I used to enjoy, but literally have no interest to do anything and get no joy from anything. Whenever I go in public places, I am so weak and literally cant even assert myself. Last year in 2018 and up until 28th January 2019, there wasn't ever a moment when people could even match my aggression and no one would ever fuck with me. Now, its like i am a completely different person. Feel so weak, feel so tired all the time, anxiety is there for no reason, which feels the shittest. And just everything feels like I don't want to live anymore.

    I have discovered that I need to continue a life that is completely free from any O whether it be from real sex or PMOing. And that is something I am willing to do because it has left with no other choice. I am aware of 2 other people on these forums, AlexMtl87 and another person who also complain that Oing from real sex also gives them anxiety and bad mental symptoms as well.

    Sometimes I just get so helpless in my current state due to this depression and I can realise that my neurochemicals are out of whack and the chemical imbalance doesn't let me enjoy anything at all. It is debilitating my work, studies, everything I fucking do in life. Even my parents say theres nothing wrong with me and that its all in my head. I wouldn't have gone to a psychiatrist and starting taking SSRIs if it was all in my head.

    I have told myself that to stay completely clean for 2 years without any stimulation at all from any girls and absolutely no O for the rest of my life. I have had enough of this anxiety and pain in my life and it has reduced me to absolutely nothing and just a complete wreck and total mess whether it be in public, friends or at work or in front of family.

    Literally, I want my life back and I feel like a drug user or that I have done so many things wrong in my life to suffer these debilitating symptoms.

    I see life like this. I know a 25 year old family friend who is a doctor and he also had absolutely everything in his life and he was earning hundreds of thousands of dollars as a doctor. He had a motorcycle accident and now he is in a wheelchair for the rest of his life because his legs are decapitated. Now if I compare my situation with him, he has completely lost everything, cause he has to use a wheelchair everywhere he goes and can't even walk. For me, I have everything and if I just have to live a life without Oing then so may be it. I see it this way as much as I can get negative about not living like a normal man as I can't O, and cant normally have sex what normal people do in society. That may be the case, but the fact I know there is a cure to my situation if something allows me to live my life normally and 100% and if it involves not Oing, then so be it.

    What I am meaning to say is my psychiatrist also says to me that using pornography and having sex is completely fine for me and it has nothing to do with my depression and there are other factors that have contributed and led to my depression.

    I know for a fact and can definitely say that normally I am such a happy person and jolly person in my life, and given that I have everything, I can conclusively point out that Oing from real sex and PMO have definitely caused and led to my depression and anxiety at the moment.

    All I know is and remember is when I didn't PMO or O and abstained for 3 months in 2018, all of 2018 was complete bliss for me and absolutely no problems whatsoever. I know if there is a way for me to live then I will live it and ensure that I can live the best possible life I can live. If I can have the world back and enjoy everything in the world and it just involves me not Oing and I can feel happy as a baby again, it was the best feeling in the entire world.

    When I didn't O, there were superpowers and superpower confidence and everything was at a level beyond understanding. Everything felt fucking magnetic and absolutely amazing and it felt too good beyond words that could ever describe. If that may be the case, then I will ensure and make sure that I never O again. If that is the case, and it may be that way, then I will never O again.

    I think I have to accept it as a way of life and something I have to incorporate and accept as part of my life now if I want to live life completely happy and peacefully.

    So TL;DR: moral of the story is no O = heavenly happy life for me

    any o = death and suicide for me. well that's all folks and thats what this current journey of maniac depression and horrible anxiety has shown for me cause this is honestly the darkest period in my life that has led me so underground and so underneath that I will never return to this part of my life again and ensure that never ever depression and anxiety returns to me again.
     
  2. LetsReclaimLife

    LetsReclaimLife New Member

    Buddy ..If i would give you my honest opinion, go talk out your heart with your friends and family members ... because may be there is some issue that you are not able to see or you deliberately ignoring it they will be able to help you to find that out... may be living life like Alpha Male (as it looks like) can create unnecessary pressure on you ... may be its Burnout syndrome -> https://www.livechatinc.com/blog/burnout-syndrome/ ... and if you feel that your current psychiatrist is not able to help you out may be you need a "Psychologist".


    Life is precious take care of it ... and about me (after writing this reply i am saying to my self look(for me only) how is talking as I am going thru a deep shity Shit as well)

    I have been thru depression and got over it some time back ...

    Success ...
     
  3. auzzie_mikey

    auzzie_mikey Active Member

    I talked this issue of depression with my mum and she started shouting at me saying there's nothing wrong with me. so after that I just stay quiet.

    so you are going through deep depression right now or you feel much better these days?

    What was your experience? Please elaborate.
     
  4. LetsReclaimLife

    LetsReclaimLife New Member

    I was in depression some years back and i have been to psychiatrist and they prescribed me medication for it .. around 6-8 months i am on medication but later i have stopped it coz both doctor and myself thought i am doing better and they we can try going without medication ....

    How i got there ...

    That was the time i was recently married and I have a successful career , I married a gal whom i loved ... from above everything looks normal or awesome .. and then we have started developing issues in our marriage .. My wife is least interested in sex or almost no sex , she didn't like my family members although my family and we don't live in the same city still there are issues .. she started comparing me with other male colleagues / friends who have inherited wealth like any thing and no where i can stand with them in terms of buying a house or big car or something.. all those things have started putting hell lot of pressure on me and almost daily we end up with verbal fight / spat and that was too much for me ...

    I wasn't able to handle the situation being a man my male ego has stopped me sharing this things with my friends and family and then it started piling up in my mind .. i have started getting very absurd thoughts about my life ...

    Things have started impacting my work life also .. even i started forgetting what i was doing yesterday .. i have started forgetting passwords , name of folders , name of people, emails that i needed to reply , bills that i need to pay (basically my mind was fucked up like i am on some drugs or something) and then i visited psychiatrist ... she listens to me and asked if i can ask my wife to accompany me because she thought i need couple counseling and medication both when i shared this with my wife she said no to accompany me ...anyways my treatment has started without her .. from counseling to medication ..

    I have started with medication .. meanwhile I have started going late to office and coming back home very late like 11 / 12 in night back to avoid time overlap with my wife in home to avoid confrontation. so the time she went to bed i get into home and the time she leaves for office i get up .. nothing was helping me out ..

    I started talking those issues with my siblings and friends , I opened up my heart with them, It is not necessarily that everybody will understand you to whom ur talking... some will laugh on you , some will make fun of you on ur back , some one can ignore you but there will be a few who actually listen to you try to help you out with all their knowledge and other means ... everybody will react on the basis of their knowledge level and there equation with you,

    I also talked to few trust worthy colleagues and to my boss , at that time my boss was a lady and she had a divorce some years back so i thought she can understand the problems i am going thru (this is tricky if you don't trust office people keep it away from them as it can impact your work life and growth ) , she understood my situation and we agreed to change my role with some less challenging work , at that time i was Team lead where i was managing client , my team and work and then I moved to individual contributing position for next 6 months, that helped me in terms of managing my work life and to focus on my personal life and health...

    I have already told you that i started talking things with my friends and sibling there emotional support helped me a-lot and also the medication .. I and my wife both where not mature enough to start a marriage but we did ... and we got our self into troubles ... It has taken two three years to solve those situations and getting back my normal life again..

    Although still i am married to same girl with very less or no sex in the marriage , but she has also changed a bit and so do I, I thought of separating with her too but that didn't have solved the problem because somewhere i had a feeling that we still like and loved each other ..

    what we were not able to handle / accommodate is the surrounding culture of consumerism, where thing are happening very fast to other and not to us , people are buying big houses , big cars always dining out in luxury hotels and International holidays , and facebook and Instagram fucked my life where people just show off and keep other chasing those dreams ...

    I was very clear on one thing that my grandmother taught me when i was kid about finance
    "If at all you need to take loan take it for bread not for butter" .. don't take loans for luxury .. those should be earned .. so her teaching kept me away from credit card debts / unnecessary bank loans .. that the only best thing happened to me that time .. i haven't had any financial debts... else i would have been happy for those initial years but fucked up for rest of my life by giving my hard earned money to bank and credit card companies ...

    we are good now in those aspects or you can say that its maturity which comes with time ...

    Although i have another issues in my life like PMO and smoking .. to solve them i am on this forum .... buddy as i told you earlier "Life is precious , take care of it" ...
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2019
  5. auzzie_mikey

    auzzie_mikey Active Member

    Hey man, thanks alot for your input.

    I'm on my 3rd week of medication and starting to see better days. Some days I feel so happy and other days have anxiety and feeling really low. The days are slowly getting better.

    For me, I don't even want to get married for that 1 very reason... all these women want to compare this and that... compare wealth... society want syou to be a man and everything this and that...

    I shared it with my mother about my depression and situation and I was so badly hurt and abused by her that I can't share it with anyone at all...


    That hit me the hardest.

    I've only seen that Oing whether from real sex or PMO really cripples me and gives me depression and anxiety.

    I'm committed to a full-life of no O from this year onwards.
     
  6. doneatlast

    doneatlast Active Member

    Your. Life. Is. Worth. Living.

    When you said you felt amazing in January... did you really? I don't ask because I truly believe you did or didn't, I'm just curious. Real joy and happiness is less stimulating, but longer lasting. If your answer is "yes, I was happy", you can figure out what it was and duplicate it, or go with the bi-polar diagnosis. If your answer is "no, not really" then you have two starkly different versions of yourself, and can ask, "what is missing from both of these guys?" I don't know the answer to that. But, it may put you on a search. And you know what? That search is why life is worth living. You know that porn addiction is the enemy of it, but what are you going to work towards for the rest of your life?

    I've seen you talk in other threads and you assert over and over that O is causing all of these problems, as though you're arguing with a voice that isn't here. I really think your therapist telling you that porn and masturbation are healthy has really upset you to a point where your anxiety is getting worse. You just need someone who is on the same page, or at least make the case to your therapist, show them the information and invite them to help you on the journey you're choosing for yourself. If you're constantly fighting this person, it is going to be a long, long haul.

    You talk about confidence and self-esteem a lot. I think there is a difference between saying "I am capable of things" or "I am good at things" and saying "I am wonderful human being deserving of love and all life has to offer". One relies on exterior validation, one is deeply ontological, metaphysical. Real healing often comes from starting there.
     
  7. LetsReclaimLife

    LetsReclaimLife New Member

    great ... do take your medication on time .. they are really really very necessary and dont stop them until your docs says soo...

    about marriage ... its on you ... :)

    and about your mother's reaction of your mother on your situation .. just let it be ... sometimes you need to help yourself .. no one else can help you ... and the good part is you already working on your issues ...

    Life is awesome man ... we just look only to one aspect of life which is not going so good and ignore all the good and best things we have , we should try to appreciate them ...

    about no Porn .. your commitment is really good ...
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2019
  8. LetsReclaimLife

    LetsReclaimLife New Member

    very well explained
     
  9. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Get in touch with your feminine self and forgot this alpha male nonsense. Alphas are teenagers then we grow older. Don't follow others follow yourself. You have such easier path than me Mikey and do you see me complaining about depression?? NO!!
     

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