Hey guys, sometimes I just wonder to myself, Is life really worth living? It just seems so hard at times. I have never tried any drugs, I never have actually gotten drunk (last had alcohol about 3 years ago), and never even tried a cigarette. In January 2019, I was on TOP of the WORLD, I was going out, getting girls, I bought a new CAR, bought new clothes, was going out 2-3 times a week and confidence and happiness was sky HIGH. And since 28th January 2019, I have been suffering depression, where I don't enjoy anything at all. and whenever i go in public I feel completely weak and people can sense my weakness straight away. People try to arc up and size up on me. My anxiety reached so bad in the public, that I started to get pressure in my stomach and started to have panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I've never experienced debilitating anxiety to such an extent. This is when I thought enough is enough that I need to consult and visit a psychiatrist cause I had reached breaking point. Honestly, like I've never touched any illicit substances, haven't had alcohol, never tried any cigarettes and don't have any addictions at all. My life was literally perfect and I am working and studying in a good profession and doing a good degree. I have got friends to hang out, I was getting girls. What I am saying is I literally had no reason to get depression at all after having such a fulfilling life. The only 1 thing I can point to having this depression and anxiety is from Oing and having a lot of sex with girls and also PMOing about 4-6 times in the last year (2018). Cause I have analysed to every end and also asked what is the typical reason people have depression and normal reason people have depression. I have literally everything going well in my life and had no reason to ever suffer this depression and anxiety that I suffered at the moment. I also have extremely high self-esteem and have no reason to feel weak at all. This anxiety and depression have stooped me to new lows that I have ever seen. Like it has been completely a change in personality for me and I have like dug several levels below the Earth. Everyday feels so horrible to me. I get no joy in anything. Like I try doing things that I used to enjoy, but literally have no interest to do anything and get no joy from anything. Whenever I go in public places, I am so weak and literally cant even assert myself. Last year in 2018 and up until 28th January 2019, there wasn't ever a moment when people could even match my aggression and no one would ever fuck with me. Now, its like i am a completely different person. Feel so weak, feel so tired all the time, anxiety is there for no reason, which feels the shittest. And just everything feels like I don't want to live anymore. I have discovered that I need to continue a life that is completely free from any O whether it be from real sex or PMOing. And that is something I am willing to do because it has left with no other choice. I am aware of 2 other people on these forums, AlexMtl87 and another person who also complain that Oing from real sex also gives them anxiety and bad mental symptoms as well. Sometimes I just get so helpless in my current state due to this depression and I can realise that my neurochemicals are out of whack and the chemical imbalance doesn't let me enjoy anything at all. It is debilitating my work, studies, everything I fucking do in life. Even my parents say theres nothing wrong with me and that its all in my head. I wouldn't have gone to a psychiatrist and starting taking SSRIs if it was all in my head. I have told myself that to stay completely clean for 2 years without any stimulation at all from any girls and absolutely no O for the rest of my life. I have had enough of this anxiety and pain in my life and it has reduced me to absolutely nothing and just a complete wreck and total mess whether it be in public, friends or at work or in front of family. Literally, I want my life back and I feel like a drug user or that I have done so many things wrong in my life to suffer these debilitating symptoms. I see life like this. I know a 25 year old family friend who is a doctor and he also had absolutely everything in his life and he was earning hundreds of thousands of dollars as a doctor. He had a motorcycle accident and now he is in a wheelchair for the rest of his life because his legs are decapitated. Now if I compare my situation with him, he has completely lost everything, cause he has to use a wheelchair everywhere he goes and can't even walk. For me, I have everything and if I just have to live a life without Oing then so may be it. I see it this way as much as I can get negative about not living like a normal man as I can't O, and cant normally have sex what normal people do in society. That may be the case, but the fact I know there is a cure to my situation if something allows me to live my life normally and 100% and if it involves not Oing, then so be it. What I am meaning to say is my psychiatrist also says to me that using pornography and having sex is completely fine for me and it has nothing to do with my depression and there are other factors that have contributed and led to my depression. I know for a fact and can definitely say that normally I am such a happy person and jolly person in my life, and given that I have everything, I can conclusively point out that Oing from real sex and PMO have definitely caused and led to my depression and anxiety at the moment. All I know is and remember is when I didn't PMO or O and abstained for 3 months in 2018, all of 2018 was complete bliss for me and absolutely no problems whatsoever. I know if there is a way for me to live then I will live it and ensure that I can live the best possible life I can live. If I can have the world back and enjoy everything in the world and it just involves me not Oing and I can feel happy as a baby again, it was the best feeling in the entire world. When I didn't O, there were superpowers and superpower confidence and everything was at a level beyond understanding. Everything felt fucking magnetic and absolutely amazing and it felt too good beyond words that could ever describe. If that may be the case, then I will ensure and make sure that I never O again. If that is the case, and it may be that way, then I will never O again. I think I have to accept it as a way of life and something I have to incorporate and accept as part of my life now if I want to live life completely happy and peacefully. So TL;DR: moral of the story is no O = heavenly happy life for me any o = death and suicide for me. well that's all folks and thats what this current journey of maniac depression and horrible anxiety has shown for me cause this is honestly the darkest period in my life that has led me so underground and so underneath that I will never return to this part of my life again and ensure that never ever depression and anxiety returns to me again.