Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by William, Dec 30, 2015.
It's a relapse...you looked at porn and orgasmed. What are you confused about?
Goddam it!! There's something fucking wrong with me. I am absolutely 100 consumed with beating this fucking shit and it just gets worse and worse, what the fuck I'm I supposed to do , go to a mental institution? The harder I try the more I go backwards, this is a fucking joke!
Calmed down a bit. There are a couple of guys here I truly trust, this is the most valuable thing this site has to offer, to open yourself up, show all warts and all, to those who you truly trust. Not perhaps for their knowledge (which also runs true) but their intent.
I always freaking think I can open at one hot picture in bikini and get away with it, but my brain pathways are so strong, so raw. That one peek this morning made me obsess all day until I relapsed. Instead of working on my course which is what I absolutely most definitely should be ding, I've been obsessive about this and writing in here and checking this site all day, and looking at YBOP and websites etc. I think in just as addicted to the whole cycle as I am the watching and touching. For Christ sake , a 30second event has totally fucked my day up, can't believe it , ok message to me .....NO YOU CANNOt EVER....EVER GET AWAY WITH A PEEK....
So I calculated, that I actually saw about 15 seconds of porn, i.e. 3 static pictures , and this has absolutely fucked up my day. Instead on working on my course all day I have done nothing but obsess. Unbelievable, ok note to myself; am I going to derail myself for 15 seconds of porn? All I ever learn to love thy self more? It's been truly a shit day, and what hurts more, because I chose to make it shit!
Big deep breath bro... I know for myself, what helped me the most was really learning to deal with relapses. I started seriously trying to quit PMO over 15 years ago and its taken me this long to get to where I am now. Its a process, and there's a chance I can relapse tomorrow... It would suck, but at some point I just resolved in my mind that no matter how many times I fell, that I'd just keep trying. I am human and as much as I want to be perfect, the possibility of relapse is always there. It may be helpful to look at this thing like a marathon rather than a sprint... It may take a while to get where you are trying to go...and a lot of training will go into it... I went through seasons where I was just to weak to try anymore and I'd give into the relapse completely, then when I felt stronger again, and I've give it another go... There's nothing wrong with you, you are perfectly normal, going through the normal ups and downs of recovery... It can be very frustrating at times...sometimes you'll thing you have this think licked and next thing you know your resetting your counter again... I think there's also something to be said about learning not to let ones relapses define them nor letting how many days one has going define them either. Either extreme can be dangerous and set one up for a crash... As good as I'm doing with PMO I've been seriously challenged right now with gaming...its just another addiction showing up in another form...
So just keep getting up, keep dusting yourself off. Know that failure it part of the process. Keep learning from your mistakes, but know that a relapse doesn't define you.
One day at a time...
To our brains it is the seeking that makes things go haywire. 15 seconds isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, so be thankful for that, if you get back on track it's not a big deal.
This is the addict digging his heels in at the prospect of recovery. I want to MO more than ever now that I'm abstaining from it. It would be worrisome if you didn't feel as you do. If you felt OK then that would mean you lacked motivation to change. Keep pushing forward!
Haven't heard from you in a few days bro, hope all is well man...
One day at a time...
Music man, all is good bro. Thanks for checking in. Still sober since last relapse. All good. Today was checking out Google pics of hot women, when my searches starting registering increasingly racier pics I took a deep breath, thought to myself you've been juicing up , next click it'll take me to porn. I thought about it and pushed back against it so clicked in here Ostend, the urge is gone and I'm a free man. But very close, too close, but as you say one step at a time.
40new30 , just wanted to say thank you man for your kind support, keep up the good work your doing, in behind you peddling hard to keep up lol! God bless
Saville, very wise words, is never thought about it like this, thank you bro. This way of looking at relapsed helps a lot.
Well what a fucking crap day!! My day trip with family totally ruined by work pressures, turned my day into a regular work day with no play for my wonderful wife and son. I am staying the night at an airport due to loosing my trip. Yep, lost my flight and staying at the airport terminal for a 5:30am flight, last time I did that was 10 years ago. I this morning started looking at backpages prostitutes, how sad, I am now it appears into sugarmammas. Big bottom girls. I came across umexpectedly across one or two compromising pictures of naked sugar mammies, but very quickly looked away so I am not going to consider this a relapse. Was i juicing up, i.e. Watching porn subs yes I was. And it started for an hour at a prox 3am and then later for 5 minutes at noon. Info purse O'd a couple of times. BUT! I did not relapse. I am not going to count 1 second of big bottom lady as a relapse. Not this one, I am still free, for almost 2 weeks now. I do however need to manage better my drive to porn substitute. It's so obviously just going to lead to a full blown relapse. It's waiting to happen. Ok thought today, under a huge amount of stress today and no replapse. Which is cool. Good night everyone for those fortunate enough to to have a bed to go to.
You're doing really well, just try to catch yourself before you type in those P subs, it will make things so much easier!
Thanks 40new30. I appreciate it. Yeah u r right. Today another 10 min porn sub. O. Not a relapse, but have to work hard to continually reduce them. Another day free. Almost two weeks now. Yipeee.
I've been working on this for twenty-two years. I lost an entire career to PMO (employer caught me - got black-balled from the industry - the field is now heavily female-dominated). I ended up on public assistance, in my mid-forties, due to PMO. It's hard for your kid to look up to a Dad who is unemployed for six - nine plus months. To make ends meet, I even worked for a laundromat, while also looking for a new job.
How would you like one of those big-bottomed ladies, except this one is from Human Resources, to be handing you your termination papers at work? It happened to me. By the way, you should see the look on their faces of total triumph, while they process that paperwork. They know why you were terminated.
Why not spend as much, or more, time looking for answers and researching recovery from PMO, as you currently spend with the big-bottomed ladies porn?
headinsand, it's you're recovery so you count a relapse according to your standards. In recovery it's important to be honest with yourself.
This is from July 31st and is kind of what you just went through now. You're repeating a pattern, which obviously you realize yourself. It's damn hard to break these patterns. But, you're here and being honest. The temptation of wanting to open P never leaves, at least it hasn't for me. The thought of clicking through some of my favorite clips, just to peek, is still very much there. Every time I get a flicker of that I close my laptop. I get up and walk to another part of the house, or go outside, or drink water, or do a few push ups. You are WAY stronger than you realize. You've got this! Inside you is the fierceness of lion. Time to roar!
Hey Bro, just checking in on you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
One day at a time...
Thank you Toni. Feeling strong today, but peeked and relapsed. I'm tired . I can't break this , I'm tired. Don't know how much longer I will deal with all this.
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