Inspired by members seeking community i go

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by William, Dec 30, 2015.

  1. William

    William Member

    Hello everyone, i have meant to do this for a couple of years now. Never felt it was truly necessary as i thought i could beat this by myself. After 9 months of no PMO i finally crashed last night. Had an all night PMO session and today I felt i have no other option but to change strategy, accept this is stronger than me and seek support of this community. I am a 41 y/o male. Have been addicted to porn since my early 20s. Last couple of years i have become increasingly aware of my addiction but have never truly come face to face with reality. I seem to obstain 6-8 months without porn but indulge (or trick myself i should say) in pictures of backpages bdsm, eROS bdsm pages and Transvestites. I am a heterosexual male but increasingly have been developing a taste for homosexual porn, more the humilliation factor than homosexual attraction. And my tastes have always been kinky. I have boundaries thank but am attracted to pretty dirty fetishes which frighten me. For me now, my biggest fear is that i give up and accept this addiction. I dont want to give up trying although i am heavily confused, dissapointed and upset with myself. Keep thinking why keep falling off the wagon. I accept i must now do strictly no PMO. So no more looking at prostitutes and youtube sites kidding myself its not real porn as i am just pushing into the invevitable. I am married to a wonderful wife, who does not know about this, and have just had our first child. I do not want my child to have a pathetic porn addicted father. So with this i start my journey. Today start the counter and would very much like your support through this.
  2. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Welcome William, you've found a good place to fight this addiction. I encourage you to read and post often. I am amazed that reading and writing about this helps. You will find men of all walks of life that share this addiction.

    I am married and have not told my wife. I have great friends and family but have not discussed this.

    Best of luck.
  3. yoda428

    yoda428 New Member

    William...take solace in the fact you are aware and made the leap to open up about this to a supportive and caring community. You are not alone my friend...not alone.

    Yes, read as much as you can for there is tremendous knowledge and support on how to navigate through to recovery. And post whenever you can.

    There needs to be a healthy balance between doing things to recover but not obsessing over your recovery because that can work against you...something I'm finding out as well. Take time to figure out what works best for you. Many have reminded me it's not one size fits all.

    Breathe and feel good you're on your way. You are welcome and safe here.
    Healed7 likes this.
  4. William

    William Member

    A big heartfelt thank you to both of you yoga428 and WRAT. I am reciewing your post and will follow with great interest. This will inspire me. Both your encouraging messages and very comforting to say the least. I fully intent on reading and posting on a regular basis. It may sound obsessive but my intention is to post every day or other day even if there is nothing to report. I feel for me this needs to be like praying, to remind myself and not loose focus. In the past i stated sober for.a months and thought i was so clever i had beaten the beast...not so, the beast was still within me. I have cery mixed and fluctuating emotions, one minute i am happy to have taken the step, and the then i am sad, discourradge and frightened. I am guessing this is normal and with time it will level. I do not intent to quit in any way. When i look at this positively, this is truly the time of my lufe i can grow up emotionaly and force myself tondeal with my emotions , not hiding behind the porn. Its exhilirating and daunting at the same tie. Will I , can i learn to deal with my emotions like a grown-up? Its no ir never, i must prevail. And with god people like you both , your support eis hige, already i do not feel ALONE. God bless you.
  5. William

    William Member

    Apologies for my misspellings, trying to work this out through my smartphone.
  6. William

    William Member

    i dont feel like posting today, but i must make the effort. Today has been so and so. I know that after a bing it takes a couple of weeks for me to really feel the urge again, but this time is different, this time i will not substitute PMO with M and O and youtube, backpages etc. My emotions are up and down, what mostly frightens me is knowing that this time its really for real, the feeling i have been here already and failed. if i fail this time will i ever rid myself if this illness?. Its almost as if i doubt myself, its this fear of letting myself down thats plays strong in my mind and confidence. This last binge took my totally vy susprise, i really thought id done it. So let myself down, perhaps this is what frightenes me the most, the feeling that i am not in control of this. Will i fail yet again?, we will see.. Until next post happy new year everyone. I pray this coming year is the year we overcome this addiction. God bless.
  7. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    Hello and welcome.

    I say this to everyone, but I recommend that you begin by forgiving yourself. Let go of your search history, it says nothing about you. For all of us here, faced with a billion online pornographic images, the thrill has been in crossing over our personal boundaries.

    You did what you did because you were unhappy and looking for a buzz - and the deeper you fall into the abyss, the stranger places you have to go to find that buzz.

    I say self-forgiveness is the first step because it's impossible to change habits while you are waging war with yourself, and because the real way to freedom is through rebuilding your self-esteem

    The second thing I recommend is asking yourself just what are you hiding from when you are watching porn? What are your fears.

    Spent some time nurturing your fears.
  8. William

    William Member

    Wabi-sabi, you obviously know what you are talking about and have much wisdom you generously are willing to share. Thank you for your insight and support. Your words are very well placed and helpful. Thank you for suggesting I deserve forgiveness. I am trying to figure out what i was hiding behind porn. The relationship with my father is one obvious issue, but i am not sure of all ive been hiding of. This i need to find out. But its painfully true. I have obviously been self medicating with porn. This is what lies behind my fears. Can i learn to deal without porn? Will i let myself down again?

    On a different note- quick update. Today is my Day-4. No major withdrawals yet, i expect first few weeks to be reasonably smooth (this is not my first rodeo) but what was interesting to note is that this morning whilst still in bed my brain started sex fantasies continuosly, i acknowledged them but did not entertain them. As if i were watching clouds gently rool pass. I was fascinated by how many times my brain initiated sex fantasies, if i were not rebooting no doubt i would have masturbated once or even twice. My lizard brain is inciduous. My Sex fantasies even more frequent than i imagined..perhaps i have underlying depresion.really need a fix to get out of bed? Or am i junky needing a cheap hit whenever available?
  9. William

    William Member

    Day 5. Uneventful. Got a few urges whilts looking at internet adverts, not porn, just regular ads whilst reading the daily news, not surprised theres an impending epidemic, sex is EVERYWHERE. But did not dwell in the urge, just let it go. Another succesful day. Soldiering on..
  10. William

    William Member

    Ok one week in and today im going to express myself in a way i have never done in my life. Today i got some distressing news regarding my stepbrother, basically he is the golden child and my father completely ignores me. My stepbrother got some good news . New employment, and i immediately got very agitated. We secretrly compete for my fathers affection he always wins and grows on it. I had to feign happiness for him but secretly it kickstarted a whole set of emotions i have had since my childhood. Such as, he is the chosen one, the better one. My father doesnt love me, etc. reason why i write this is because immediately my hand started reaching for my dick. Ie my subconscious reaction was to masturbate. Of course in the depths of my emotions i would have more than likely turned to porn. Or at the very least to backpages of prostitutes. Particularly bdsm , transexuals in the false security i am not cheating as its not porn etc. this unavoidably would have lead to further sessions tomorrow or in the evening.etc. i did not submit to my automatic response, i did not masturbate, Fantasize or watch porn or porn substitute...BUT i am scared, i have realised i cannot cope. I am not normal or equipped for this world. I am emtionaly broken, without my coping mechanism i am lost , cannot put my emotions to rest, its as i am a little child alone in the big world and have lost my security blanket. I am a scared child emotionally. today, i have witnessed how broken i am inside. Perhaps this was the only way to confront my fears. I dont know the answer but i do know now this rush of dopamine was my drug of choice. And i am not normal , i need to overcome childhood traumas. This is going to be a long road...fair winds my friends!
  11. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    William, most of us are just scared little boys inside of men's bodies. Great that you were able to remain clean through the emotion; that is healing. A couple of months ago our pastor encouraged us to pray for those who we think have it perfect and that we are jealous of because we don't know their internal battles. It has really helped me.

    This journey goes way beyond giving up PMO. It is about discovery and dealing with our painful issues.

    Best of luck.
  12. William

    William Member

    WRAT- your inputs are truly awesome. Your insights touch my heart, thank you.

    Another day clean- i feel quiet proud of myself for not dweling back to PMO or MO yesterday. Your statement WRAT about praying for others even those you are jealous off is excellent. Getting back into running. I used to run a marathon every year , yesterday to overcome my emotional state, and not think about things i run 10k. Onward and upward. Thank you all for your inputs, they mean a world to me. This level of connection with one another is truly unique, we are all suffering and wanting to help each other. You are the best example of humanity. God bless. One last statement for the day -its odd , although i am proud of going 8 days without no PMO or MO. I feel in mourning of the loss of a PMO/MOnwas my best friend? Perhaps it was in a way, he was always there in times of need. It feels as if i have lost my best friend. How ironic.
  13. over_it

    over_it Active Member

    I know what you mean by not coping. Although my triggers are different I have felt porn cravings come out of the blue when confronted with certain uncomfortable emotions too. It helps to realise you are just trying to feel ok again, but don't know how. I am still learning that.
  14. William

    William Member

    Oh dear lord please help me...somebody pls help. I think i have a problem. I just cannot Stop!!! I just cannot. Im reading all the books. I am doing sports. And dear lord i purposely cut out all masturbation...but suddenly out the blue a sudden urge comes after a couple of weeks and its uncontrolable....its as if i change personality. I keep going into binges and its almost worst than before. the rush of dopamine is amazing....i start to shake as if ive taken drugs. Good lord what am i going to do. God knows i am trying but i just cannot control the sudden urges to binge after two or three weeks. Does anybody understand what the hell is happenig to me? Pls somebody tell me i will overcome this.i binged today for 5 hours. Omg!! I cannot believe this has happened to me agai . Am i doomed? Been trying to stop for over a year. And really tried without masturbation for two months. Is what is happening to me normal or am i a lost case? Pls pls tell me what is wrong with me..
  15. William

    William Member

    Gents pls can somebody read my previous message in my thread and connect with me? I just started 2 months ago going no PMO or MO for first time ever, after years of trying to stop haf seriously) and have been having the most crushing and darkest relapses. I mean my fetishes have gotten worse. I am in a ark place rightnow. Cannot stop crying and affraid im slip into depression and/or never beath this demon. Any body that can respond even if itsto feel less alone would be really grateful. I am in deblief i could do this to myself.i mean a full blow relapse with worst fetishes thn ever..could this be because i went two weeks wothout M or O? I have rarely let myself down so much. Its like i have a side of me that is brutally masochistic and wants to screw me over.
  16. Loleekins

    Loleekins Nemo repente fuit turpissimus

    You're not alone, William. Breathe, buddy. Center yourself. You've been relapsing, that's all. This doesn't mean you are beyond hope, help, or redemption. It's just panic you're feeling. Just simple panic. Don't let it consume you. It doesn't have to. This is a new moment. What happened minutes, hours, or days ago is gone. Let the panic of it go.

    This is a struggle. A struggle with yourself. It doesn't come easy. But every new moment brings the promise of new hope. The potential to renew yourself.

    When we fall down, the lessons we learn tend to be more valuable than our success. It teaches us our weaknesses. Shows us our areas that are crying out for repair.

    No, you are not doomed. You're just fighting, fighting with yourself. It's a bloody battle sometimes.

    Support helps. Come here and vent, talk, scream, whatever you have to do, when you're feeling triggered. Perhaps you're trying to go it alone too much.

    Hang in there. Things WILL get better.
    Healed7 likes this.
  17. William

    William Member

    Loleekins. THANK YOU. You have no idea how youve just made me feel. I am crying with emotion. Good emotion. For ive reached out and you responded so positively with such kind and encouraging words. I truly thank you. I take your words to heart.. You are right i was panicking. I am normaly a very reserved person. I have never expressed my emotions like this before and its raw. I am songrateful i found this forum with people like you. My only other option is a therapist and i do not want to go theough that, financially and would have to inform my wife and this is something i will never do. I will never hurt my wife or family with this. God bless you for reaching out and grabbing my hand.
  18. You're not alone. We've all been there...the darkest of places. Do me a favor and listen to Times by tenth avenue north. you cannot outsin grace. Remember that.
  19. William

    William Member

    Thank you Harvest of sorrow. I really appreciate you helping me. It does help to be among you great people. I am going to try to post and communicate regularly. Not to do this alone. I am also going to try t be honest with everyone and myself. For one, in this spirit ill share that i am not impressed with myself. There is absolutely no freaking excuse for my behavior. None at all. I am healthy, have the most amazing beautiful wife who adores me, have an amazing 4 month old child and good family ...not excellent..and my father is a bit of a prick..but not too bad either, although a bit disfunctional. But...i am a dick. I am a ungrateful prick . So i will see what happens with this but instand here infront of you all who read this and say, i deserve everyhing that is coming to me, if i cannot beat this its because i am a spineless worm and deserve whatever i get in life, so may people who have real problems, real deseases like cancer or poverty stricken who would do anything to be in my cushy american lifestyle. I am going to try to be honest with myself from now on. I do not know if i am strong enough, i hope i am, i probably not. But its my doing. And inshould be stronger. Im a pussy. With that, god bless and stay strong.
  20. William

    William Member

    Looking back at my post last night, seems a little hard on myself. Trying to write my emotions as honestly as i can, for this I intend to be a journal or real life account. Feel good this morning , no urges, but i know the struggle begins after a week or so. After a binge the first few days are fine...but later the fight begins. What i was trying hard to state is that my last binge 3 days ago came out of the blue and with no purpose, emotionally i was fine, it was the simple fact i was alone in a hotel room. How scary is that! I choose to circle around to get sucked in, this is what has scared me the most...there is no real cause other than i am not willing to make the right choise, i mean when crunch time comes...

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