In Search of Lost Calm

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thelongwayhome27, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    To cite the great Edgy Brah: "All I'm saying is look into it!"

    On a more serious note, if you have some time to spare, gather some information on which people of which group control most of the north american porn business (which is the biggest in the world). I can't type it because of my origin and it would trigger so much German Angst in me that I probably couldn't sleep for weeks... :^)

    I'm not into conspiracy theories but you could easily come to the conclusion that porn is used with an agenda to make males sterile and hand-tame (don't disregard the fact that it generates a shitload of shekels). Try to do something productive or of value after a few days of PMO binging. It's foolish to assume that the creators & distributors of porn don't know about all the negative effects porn has. Ever wondered why porntube sites are full of ads for dick pills? Yeah, me neither :)

    (hopefully, I'm not hijacking your thread...)
    Last edited: May 4, 2019
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  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    I understand the explanation that these are just some kind of viral marketing technique. It is easy to believe that these videos are made by people who just want money, but I don't think that's what they're really made for. When I investigated them a few years ago, I remember seeing some comments on videos that made me think there was something darker going on than viewcounts.

    I don't want to derail Thelongwayhome27's thread too much, though.
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  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    It's an interesting question but answering it is not overwhelming useful for the purpose of recovery. I do think it was notable how some porn site accounts on social media reacted to the idea of No Fap November- saying the idea was invented by the "far right," conspiracy theories like that.
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  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Awesome. Spot on! How to get to/ stay on higher ground though? Is that a matter of avoiding fantasy etc. or is there more to it?
  5. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I heard a podcast with Roger McNamee about the nefarious practices of social media companies.

    I'm not saying YouTube made those videos, but YouTube basically enables and encourages content such as that through its algorithms and policies.

    But yeah maybe this should be a separate thread. I don't think we need anti-Semitic conspiracy theories either lol.
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  6. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    In my experience (but perhaps that's different from person to person) the answer is not so much in how we deal with porn and/or fantasies, but in the way we deal with our own lives. Avoidance has never really been my thing, also because I really don't believe you can keep avoiding things like fantasies and sexual needs. I believe these are things you can decrease, but you can't control them and that it can be easy to decrease when things are going well, but that it's a lot harder when you are going through rough patches. So to me getting/staying on higher ground is all about steering my life in the direction I want it to go. Trying to limit the rough patches. If you stay in touch with your values and work towards them it gets a lot easier to keep a streak going and going. Whenever I'm properly in touch with my values keeping away from porn is a walk in the park. Hope that makes sense:)
  7. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Sorry for pulling this back from a few days ago, but I gotta give this some props. I've found this all true in my recovery attempt. I know the giving up booze thing isn't going to fly with a lot of guys. But it really does make the recovery for manageable. Getting over this is hard enough. Continuing to drink while trying to recover is just adding to the difficulty level (imo).
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  8. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    You’ll be surprised. I stopped drinking about 8 years ago. Most people are cool with it and you’ll find you get invited out more cause they want you as the designated driver. :)

    It was the first step on me turning my life around and getting things back on track. It’s really important to cut back on things that are going to lower your defenses and feel free to hit me up if you’d like any tips.

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  9. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Regular drinks during a reboot = guaranteed relapses

    Simple as that (at least for me).
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  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    So I relapsed last Wednesday on my 58th day without PMO/MO/O and then binged more the next day on Thursday which left me quite depressed and disappointed. The following day, Friday, was hard to abstain but I was able to keep it clean. Saturday and Sunday were easier to add as clean days as I made some plans. After the weekend, I was on my 4th clean day (yesterday) but during the day I fell back in a binge that lasted several hours. After the binge I took it calmly the rest of the evening.

    I can sense that my self respect has gone down. I have more social anxiety right now and don't feel like socializing with other people. I am able to do it more or less but it's very tiring as I basically have to put up a big mask to hide the disappointment and self disrespect I'm feeling at the moment. My social interactions felt like I was acting a lot and I had to force positive feelings or any sort of "joy". I guess I can pin that on being depressed from relapsing. So there is both the depression/disappointment and then there is the self respect and self esteem that takes a hit. Both of these impact the social confidence and the social desire. Of course, both social desire and social confidence are necessary in order to improve socially, to build healthy relationships, which is one of the essential keys to achieving a healthier life, at least in my case I believe.

    My plan after the lapse was to minimize the binging. I have been able to apply this to some extent as I could have been binging a lot more since the "fall" on Wednesday. But I have not been able to achieve the one slip and getting right back on the horse ideal. My plan is to remain calm, rational, cerebral no matter what. Also to take care of the ultra basics at this point : sleep, eating well/healthy, exercise. When I relapsed I was also quite tired so I'm getting some rest now. So anyhow, even if I fall off I'll keep working on the positives around it. I suspect slowly I will get back to a better mindset and be able to redefine the necessary clarity in order to eliminate P and sexually compulsive behavior that I consider unhealthy and contrary to a happier life.
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  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Tell me about it. I went shopping today and it was a dreadful experience. Not that I ever enjoy it, but this close to a relapse it was torture.

    There will always be aftershocks, but as long as you're willing to keep trying, I'm sure you'll be back into the battle in no time.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  12. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I’m sorry to hear about the relapse. Over 50 days is a huge feat! I know what it is like to get to that point and then relapse. I think I have done it at least 7-8 times in the last few years. Also I completely relate to your struggle to exit the pit after the relapse. The only thing that seems to get me back on track is to realize that my behavior in the pit is not normal. What I mean is that since the slide downhill is gradual (over a few days), it feels a bit like the frog in the boiling water problem. I do not realize how bad it gets and I start to feel like PMOing at work is normal. Eventually I surface and realize that my life has become unreasonable. I am not sleeping. I am obsessing about porn. I hurt all day. And for what? It is at that point I realize again that I’m a drug addict and need to get my life back on track.
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  13. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Relapsing after a long period of success is never a good feeling. I will have to be brutally honest and agree with everyone saying that drinking while trying to tackle an addiction is a bad decision. If you are serious about recovery you will have to avoid booze for a while. A lot of my more successful streaks were ended while drunk (including my longest one). I haven't been drunk in a while, it's just not as fun as it used to be, so I'm at the point where I can have a drink with dinner on occasion and not feel the urge to keep drinking until I'm a mess. It sounds like you're not there, though.
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  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 0

    Had a good day yesterday although I played with fire at one point in the afternoon. Today however I fell in a new edge binge in the afternoon. It was compulsive and unhealthy as I clearly had more important things to do. Since the initial relapse last Wednesday (2 PMOs) this is therefore my third plunge back in (last Thursday, Monday and today's). I have some unusual out of the routine and quite stressful events coming up soon, this may be a factor in my inability to get on a clean run again and in falling in binging to nurse my uncomfortable feelings. It's tricky because if I'm not too hard on myself about lapsing and lapsing I feel a bit better but then I increase the chances of falling in another binge (when I'm ''down here''). On the other hand if I go full metal jacket sgt on myself I'll relapse in a few days again and hate myself more. I'm not necessarily asking for advice here just posting for some accountability. One last thing, and this is in relation to Merton's comment here above which I find thought provoking ; I've been somewhat minimizing my sexual behavior since my last lapse last week, trying to be more accepting of the fall. Today though, after a new binge, I felt like I have a ''big problem'', that I'm a ''sick addict''. It's a feeling or perspective I've had before and when I get here I'm thinking I need to go to some kind of an SAA meeting. Things aren't too good but I'm not in the worst mood though. I'm accepting where I am right now, in the end it's my choices, and I am confident I will find the path and pick myself up. I also went back to YBOP tonight, it has been a while, and some stuff I read on there seemed promising and gave me some new insight.
    Last edited: May 8, 2019
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  15. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    As @occams_razor wrote to me two weeks ago: it looks like you’re done with the pit!
  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hope so ! :):rolleyes:
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  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Maybe there's some kind of habit or routine you could start to break you out of your routine. It sounds like you need a change. If nothing else, something like rearranging the furniture in your bedroom/the room you usually relapse in could be a good way of telling your brain "things are different now."
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  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Hey man,

    Sorry to hear you have fallen off the wagon. Sometimes I wonder if when I relapse my addiction goes on a bit of a feeding frenzy. My advice would be pretty simple. Don’t trust yourself at the moment. Sober you needs to protect Relapse you from acting out.

    In order to watch P you need a couple of things:
    1. Access (internet connection, mobile device)
    2. Isolation (no one here is going to drop trousers at the library...I hope)
    3. Time (edging and browsing take huge amounts of time)

    This is different from triggers, which tend to be pretty individual. But you need these three things to relapse. Right now I just you give all of them a break. If you need to access the internet, do it in a public place. Pop your phone in a drawer for a few days and just try to have people around you. Even if it’s just chillin at Starbucks or at the library. If you find yourself wandering back to bad habits, just keep busy. Find a show to binge watch (in public) or a great book to read.

    You gotta prep for this like an alcoholic. Step one: get rid of the booze. Hope that helps. You don’t need to become a monk. But maybe do this for 48 hours.

    Good luck man. I don’t envy you, but your brothers here on this forum are here to support you.

  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 1

    Thanks guys apperciate the words of encouragement and tips. I'm not too bad right now psychologically. Despite the slips I've held up my good habits overall so this is helping. They are a foundation. I've been here before and I think I'll find the path out. I've had some much darker and compulsive binging (stopping all good habits) when I've fallen off in the past so it's not too bad right now. After falling off my biggest streak ever I'm not doing that bad relatively. Motivated to find the good path. I'm also gonna be a lil more busy the next few days so that should help. Cheers to all.
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Sounds like you're taking a positive attitude towards everything. I would still recommend trying to find some kind of change in your routine that could mark a new approach to things.
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