In Search of Lost Calm

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thelongwayhome27, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 3

    I think that I should forget about counting days and focus on not having binges anymore.

    I think that the length of the binges I have had during this relapse invalidates all the effort I have put to stay sober 60+ days.

    Hypothetically if I were to PMO once per week and say it was a 1 hour session - I think this would be less bad then to go clean for 90 days then binge for 10 days then go glean for 90 days then binge for 10 days, and so on. Such extreme variations between complete abstinence and then binges must truly be bad for the body. Not to speak how bad I feel when this happens. It's indescribable how it brings me to a depression that is beyond words.

    @Living and @Throwaway Handle - Thank you guys.

    Living I'll try to reply a bit to what you wrote in my next post (but right now I need to head out a bit).
     
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  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 5

    I'm feeling pretty melancholic about myself and my life. A lot of shame has come up to the surface in the last weeks. I feel very "uncool". I feel like I just want to hide.

    I was more or less "normal" (or maybe I'd say happy and content) until around 13. I had a lot of energy as a kid. I was probably not extremely social but I always had a couple of friends. Social anxiety was not known to me. From 13 to 16 there was a strong decline in my self esteem. Everything darkened. I became very embarrassed of myself and acquired a lot of shame about who I am. That's when I developed the mindset and identity I still carry to this day (now 32). My social anxiety was quite typical in those teen years. I felt uncool and I started turning inwards more and more and hiding from others. I had some friends and hid behind them. So that I would not be identified as a loner and be picked on. My social anxiety probably peaked at 17-18, when I had to change schools, and was very young looking compared to other people. I felt like I was this 14 year old next to guys who I saw like they were 25 (though they were one or two years above me). Of course women, in the perspective I had at the time, saw me like nonexistent and where attracted to the other guys (though if I had been more mature I could have seen some opportunities with other kind of women). This feeling that I am nothing for a woman - this belief - was very strongly embedded in me and it guides all my interactions with women now. When my social anxiety was "standard" during the teenage years, my reaction was to avoid social gatherings. Avoidance was my solution. I then became, slowly, somewhat more mature after 19 years old. Some of the acute teen crisis was a bit behind and I finally started slowly feeling like I was closer to people my age. But the deep wounds were there. I was using alcohol and drugs increasingly as a way for me to enjoy socializing and I was also pushing myself more to socialize (in comparison to the avoidance strategy of earlier years). I was often going further then friends with drinking or drugs. I don't know what I was looking for. I never ever really found myself nor understood who I actually am. Letting go of the past is hard when I mess up in the present. Melancholia comes and submerges me. Sometimes everything is very hard to accept.
     
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 6

    A bit of light coming back. Socialized a little lately which helped me. I also had to refuse some other social invitations that were too intense for me right now. I wasn't sure if they were not too risky right now in terms of making me feel bad after. But the social stuff I did do was good and the level I needed. The PMO cravings are always around the corner. One thing that I have been keeping at well enough has been exercising daily. I'm more or less on vacation right now so that's why I'm not really working. That special determination, courage and will for life - to take on new tasks and grow is still quite absent. Even something like organizing my place, throwing old things away feels very hard for me to actually do currently. This is all part of the big down I have experienced with this last relapse. Though I think the down began before the actual relapse and was part of what helped it happen as well. I think that when I fall down, I do have this pattern of falling really down mentally speaking.

    I decided to rename my journal in honor of a really good Novel and also in the idea that the deepest value that I am after is and has always been inner calm.

    I am still after the idea of being "myself", of being authentic around others without hiding as much of who I am. But inner calm encompasses this and has the advantage of not being stuck by a notion that at time can be rigid : the self. Who knows who we really are and how much of it is a construct. But I'll take inner calm no matter who I am, as a deeper value that I want to pursue and cultivate.
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2020
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  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    When I saw this thread I first thought "Ah, some guy who took a long break from the forum came back", then I realized you renamed your journal. What's the novel you're talking about? In search of lost time?

    Take care!
     
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  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Another slip yesterday after almost 6 days. I was feeling pretty tired from only sleeping 4.5 hours the night before and didn't know what to do with my Saturday afternoon. Despite it, I still feel like I'm slowly getting back to a more positive place. I'm starting to see how the last month and a half was just one big down and the relapse was part of this whole thing. When I'm in a good phase, staying off porn becomes easier and a streak will happen naturally. But when I'm not doing well I can still maintain a streak for a while by pure white knuckling, however that usually doesn't last long. My best efforts, when it comes to getting some control of this sexual thing, is always when I'm calm and focus on the other stuff and get to a good place and then this part takes care of itself. The other way around, where I focus on staying clean at all costs can backfire and can be a kind of mental trap for me making me even more miserable. It can amplify the obsession. I think seeing some people in the last days has helped me. It was one of the rare occasions when socializing wasn't too bad and felt nice. I'm clearly an introvert and need to spend time alone, but even for a person like me seeing other humans occasionally is very good for my mindset. The problem is when I take social challenges that are not necessary or when I spend time with people that are too different from me and leave me drained out after. With those people, I should try to make little challenges of being myself more around them, but sometimes that challenge is beyond my current capacity. So perhaps those kind of social experiences hinder more then they help.

    @-Luke- Haha got ya ! ;) Yeap, it's a nod to In Search of Lost Time.
     
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  6. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I’ve been reflecting a little lately on that whole idea we often hear that if you don’t love yourself you won’t be able to find people who love you. Or that if you don’t connect with yourself it’s hard to connect with others.

    I used to think that I have to see the good in myself for others to see it. But it is not necessarily always like this. It can be in some instances, because if I don’t see the good in myself, I’ll be much more introverted in a situation (hiding), which won’t let the others see me and so on.

    But it’s even more subtle then this a lot of the times. The way it works is that if I don’t see the good in myself, I will never believe that someone else would see it. I will explain any sign that could be interest as rejection, so that I fit the model that I have.

    So looking at it this way, it’s not that for instance girls didn’t see the good in me when I was young (because I could not see the good in myself at that age) – it’s rather that when a girl saw the good in me and tried to let me see that she saw that, I was literally completely and absolutely blind to that.

    The only time I would believe it was when a rather aggressive girl came up, and then I would run away even from those occasions because probably aggressive girls are a little scary (makes sense) but also because I still explained it to myself as “she must be crazy then” (if she really likes me).

    This goes even deeper. Since I didn’t see any worth in myself, I was quick to find proof of that in other’s perspective of me. Which meant I was more comfortable with people that were not too nice with me. That felt normal and congruent psychologically speaking.

    This is pretty sad because it means people who have a certain map, which usually develops in very early years, will go confirming that map more and more, as they age.

    Nowadays, though I am severely plagued by my old mind patterns, I am very slowly getting to a more mature and healthy self esteem place – therefore when I look back from this perspective I can see many occasions that passed me by without me knowing they were opportunities.

    Basically the way it works is that if you have a strong inner critic that has formed in you, it will be difficult to find the experiences which will melt the critic away ; that is, positive experiences. And the reason for this is that that very inner critic will be there to make sure those positive experiences don’t happen !

    You either believe you are worthy or you don’t. And when you don’t believe that you are worthy, life is a journey in finding a way to go against that belief, so that one day you actually lose that belief and start living.
     
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  7. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    That's a very precise observeration. It's a slow process changing how one thinks about oneself but it works. Interestingly, other people who are well-disposed towards you can help you immensely in transforming the beliefs and basic assumptions you have about yourself. So, if you surround yourself with those people and those people will repeatedly tell you over time that they like you, or a certain trait about you, or something you did that's worth highlighting, you will slowly start believing it. Even though there will be obstacles and the inner critic will keep telling you, you are wrong or that they are secretly making fun of you.

    I know very well what you are talking about. A few months ago, I got a new haircut and on the same day, my gf, two friends and my therapist complimented me for it, while I was very unsure about what to think about it. At the end of the day, when I was reflecting on it, my conclusion was that they were secretly arranging with each other so that I would feel good about myself. Which is impossible because they are not in contact with each other. After a few moments, I realized the nonsense I was thinking but at the same time it showed me what I subconsciously think about myself or what weird beliefs I carry around. And my first reaction to compliments is most often to downplay myself or what I achieved. When I was in the clinic back in 2017, they were pointing out how important it is to give room for compliments and thanking for it while actually meaning it. So from time to time, they were testing us, giving us compliments and we had to reply with "Thank you! What you say makes me happy!" instead of a cliched "thanks!" in passing and we had to correct ourselves if we replied with the latter :D. It was quite funny but I actually think they had a good point. Moreover, for many people it's really problematic to actually accepting a compliment, like they feel ashamed and therefore also do not give it room. Or they fear of being or becoming arrogant... That we had to practice as well and it was quite nerve-wrecking. It's sounds really weird, if you think about it. Why would you feel ashamed if someone comes up to you and points out one of your strenghts in front of the group? But that's how it was for all of the patients there (including myself). In hindsight, it was quite beneficial for me to practice it in a save environment and if I think back, I might have gained more from it than I had initially thought.

    So, do you know how you could tackle this problem?
     
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  8. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yes, I think you describe it very well here ! That's kind of how I see healing from this kind of problem happening. But I think this process takes time (I'll be repeating this a lot in this post). So it's a journey. I would say there is a long time involved, some luck (or help from the Stars), and no guarantees.

    But, as I was hinting at in my previous post, what I think makes this especially hard is that it's exactly the current set of beliefs that makes this process to actually happen very difficult. It's really like stopping a wheel that is spinning pretty fast in one direction (the "bad" direction), slowly making it loose it's momentum and then slowly make it start rolling in the opposite ("good") direction, slowly gathering momentum.

    Another way to put it is that the way to cure bad memories is by creating new nicer memories. But it's not easy creating new nicer memories when one has a lot of old bad ones.
    Yeah for sure. I also become uncomfortable if I receive too much praise in a "group" context. I think I'll usually start feeling like I'm being a show off or arrogant. Or at the very least that I am perceived that way. Receiving compliments in a natural/simple manner is known to be challenging for persons who have various issues with self worth/esteem/confidence. I suppose, to some extent, this can be a natural trait too and can remain even when said issues improve. So, in this sense, it's not necessarily a bad thing. It can also show a humble nature.
    I think it's a very gradual thing. It can be much slower then I would like it to be. Which is a little scary, because time is going by fast. But essentially I would think it's about going against the inner critic, as stated, and also learning to form trusting relationships with others, gradually as well. It's not an easy task.

    Going against an inner critical voice is easier said then done. Not only is there the fear to face, but going against one's instinct is not something you can do in an all black or white manner. One must listen to his instinct even in this context. It's more about kind of knowing when to go against it and when to listen to oneself. So it's almost a skill like thing. And as mentioned, I think that deep beliefs (acquired from the past) truly color our perceptions to a very large degree. We see reality through them. So going against them to some degree, in order to have new more positive experiences, and then in time create more "positive" beliefs takes a lot of time and that makes sense I would think.

    I think it takes time (which is perhaps a good thing to understand) and also potentially there is a fair amount of luck involved (external factors). Change really is an elusive thing. It happens for sure. But to try to consciously steer and create change in a certain direction (which we think is "good"), now that's hard.

    I think therapy can be one of the most valuable tools. But it has to be good therapy and that's not always possible to find (for example because of money issues). Another thing is self discipline (but here too one can unwittingly go over the top and create problems for himself!). I've observed that if I do all my "positive habits" I increase the chances of me taking chances here and there. But this latter part still happens very slowly, in a rather random way too, and that I still take setbacks (or what I perceive as setbacks) really hard. Staying off porn is one of such elements that seems to boost me well, at least for a while. It usually coincides with a period of taking more chances. But it also comes with a strong price when the (so far inevitable) relapses occur (stronger depression then normal).
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2020
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  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Since I relapsed (June 19th) things have been hard and I’ve been stuck in a rut. There have been lighter moments but there have also been some dark times of depression. I don’t think the relapse is the only cause of this. I’m pretty sure I was burnt out and already depressed even before relapsing. But the relapse itself always adds an extra layer of defeat. When I relapse I can’t say to myself any longer “well at least I’m still staying off PMO”. And then there is probably also the physiological aspect of the PMOs that’s starts adding up.

    Since the original relapse I’ve PMOed quite a lot of times and the length of the binges was problematic. Especially the initial ones. Gradually now they are declining in length. But the worst one occurred a few days after the initial relapse and that was probably one of the lengthiest sessions in a long time. It would definitely qualify me as “having a problem” I think. Let’s say it’s probably not something I should disclose to someone on a first date. Or maybe it is exactly what I should lol.

    My best “streak” (hate this word right now) since my original relapse was close to 6 days (last week). I’ve had little 1, 2 or 3 days streaks as well. So I haven’t been PMOing three times every day either. But I’ve been doing it.

    At this point I don’t think looking at the numbers so close is actually doing me any good or helpful in any kind of objective way. In fact I think a lot of it is OCD type of thinking.

    This doesn’t mean that it’s fine for me to PMO, but it means that I don’t have to focus on the numbers and the statistics with a microscope. I feel that’s a mental trap and it’s hard to explain exactly why – but when I think deeply and calmly I can see why that is. In a word, I think that moving forward from here, or the answers, would come from a place of deeper wisdom.

    In more practical and concrete terms, I’m feeling very apathic in the afternoons. It’s not that I don’t have physical energy, but psychologically I am depressed, bored and don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like watching a movie, reading a book or stuff like that. Because it’s as if I feel there is something “better” that I should and can be doing. Basically I feel like I need to “fix my life”. So I can’t just relax and enjoy leisure activities (as I would be able to if things would be going all right). But this again is a trap, because if I were to relax it would probably be helpful. But it’s hard to do.

    Tackling certain things now (that are not leisure) is also extremely hard. Everything feels a little out of my power or courage level. I’m just kind of mentally depleted. So the big challenge is finding the level I can operate from and get things rolling again.

    It is in this sense that staying off PMO is important. Because these feelings of lethargy, boredom, depression are amplified after I do that. Another important element for me to consider is to decrease my idle time spent in front of my computer. Lately I have been spending some days doing PMO and browsing mindlessly the internet. Of course, I’ll feel really bad.

    What I will do to try to get myself out of this rut is to read more. But not from the internet. I have a novel I am finishing that is really nice. I’ll make myself read at least 10 pages everyday. And I got myself another book yesterday (non fiction) and I’ll try to read from it daily. This should help inspire me.

    Last week I mentioned feeling better. It was because I had socialised, and the socialising was positive. It was also when I had been clean for almost 6 days. But I am quite sure the socialising was more of an effect on my positive mood. When I relapsed Saturday (after), I still felt positive and calm the weekend. But what gives me the mood to socialize is also staying off the PMO. So again, it plays a role.

    I spent a few days with my parents, after and I came back to my place in a sombre mood. I PMOed some more times since then. And the positive glow I had last week faded.

    There are 2 things that I believe make me fall back down when I gather positive energy (and this can happen even on a long positive run, or on a shorter spell) – both of these elements are “nice guy” problems :

    1 – If I have more positive energy and good will - I will unwittingly fall in the trap of taking on more then I can. Or I will try to fix things that have not worked in the past. For instance hanging out with certain friends more then necessary or trying to be to nice to my parents. Taking more then I can afford from them. This backfire. This is where a change of scenery (e.g. moving abroad) can help someone. It’s not an option for me right now. So I just have to keep learning what my limits are, even when I have my power back.

    2 – I have a tendency to “go towards” the other person too much when I socialise or interact. What I mean by this is that I will go in “his world”. I will try to reach that person on his terms/grounds in order to connect. This can be a skill at first to talk to people and stuff. But it can be extremely draining if one doesn’t control it well. Interactions should be a halfway thing. Doing this too much makes it that many of my social interactions can be draining rather then energising. I remember that one day before I relapsed, I had socialised with some buddies. And I didn’t connect much with them. It was just another drop in the tank that made me loose hope and will in fighting to get out of my problems.

    These little nice guy traits are tricky because they are automatic and are more about skill then will to change. I can will for me to change but they will still happen since they are automatic and come from my way of operating. They can change but it takes time (kind of what I have been talking about in my 2 previous posts). This is where getting unstuck in one’s life and starting to enjoy life is quite frustrating. Because it’s here that even good will brings one back in the loop of up and down rather then finding the light at the end of the tunnel. But, to finish on a positive note, one must keep trying.

    So now, time to get off the computer !
     
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  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Well done on taking the effort to look back at what happened in the last weeks. It is so easy to just deny what you felt and what you did and just keep going, but when you do collect the courage and motivation to do so you allow yourself to make this part of your recovery.

    I have always been wondering what is the opposite of using porn and fantasy. I strongly believe that it is not good to focus on the negative (quit P and F), but better to focus on the positive (start X and Y). But then what is X and Y? I think that mindfulness is one of them, and actually think that socializing, being in contact with others, is the other. Gary Wilson also mentions this in YBOP and I think it is true. P and F is so much associated to escape and isolation, that actively focusing on interaction and connection with others is what really helps us to delete P and F from our lives.
     
  11. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @Thelongwayhome27 I've totally been where you are.
    Looking back on things and reassessing is really important and helpful, but let me tell you, from experience, it's not always so. It all depends on your mood when thinking about it. Sometimes it just makes it worse.

    Concerning the nice guy persona, I believe it depends both on the person you're helping and your state when in that situation. Sometimes helping others makes you feel good and some other times it leaves you drained. That's what you need to assess before each time you decide to help someone or choose someone over yourself.
    And remember you're the one that matters. You can also argue that close friends matter as well and I say it depends...

    Youre saying sometimes it's automatic? Yes it is and it's gonna take all you have to prevent yourself from helping those who don't deserve it because that's who you are. It just takes practice.

    Fix things? That's good, but are you sure you need fixing? Maybe you don't. Maybe you just need to accept who you are.

    Prioritize...
     
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  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I am feeling more positive and much more stable. I think I have found some new self compassion towards myself. Practicing self compassion in the right way allows me to be more assertive as well. I am more direct and honest with others. I say yes when I wanna say yes and no when I wanna say no. My connections with others are also more genuine because if I am nice with someone it’s because I am really interested in what that persons has to say or how she is doing rather then just so that she likes me or accepts me. I think this is the right path for me. I am also more in control of the PMO again.

    @Gil79 and @Shady - Thank you very much guys. I really agree with both entries.

    Gil I think very important elements to build, at least for me are : mindfulness (which helps everywhere), positive connection with others (tricky one and where I have to learn a lot) and I would say cultivating self compassion and understanding.

    Shady, good points. I think looking back sometimes helps with processing stuff or having closure on some events. It can also foster self kindness since we see we were actually trying hard and stuff that happens is sometimes above our punching weight and we should not beat ourselves up. But yeah, it's true that our current mindset colors how we perceive past events as well.
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2020
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  13. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    For some reason I was more self acceptant for a few days and I think I had some good self compassion. I was paying more attention to my own reality but not in an egoistical way. Just in a way where I don’t have to compare myself to a “norm”. With this kind of attitude, I was judging myself less and as a result I was less interested in judging or blaming others or society. I was feeling how this was a positive attitude, as if “my heart was opening up”. With this positive feeling I took a bit more chances out of my comfort zone for the past few days. I was also more inclined to connect with others or to socialize. This however has produced strong emotions and I think has tired me out and some of the “positive glow” is now gone. I am also more “attached” to getting that positive feeling again (which ironically is the opposite of what that detached feeling is about). I find it interesting how I can stumble in a kind of “Zen” mood but, I often forget the wisdom that got me there. Until I remember it again at some point. Sometimes it feels like the “zen mood” naturally makes me grow, but that very growth creates strong emotions which means I forget the “zen mood” I was in. But hopefully, overall, there is a progression.

    I was thinking the key element that I may have lost is that "self compassion" I felt I had for a few days. I think I have more chances of loosing self compassion when I become impatient with change or growth to happen. Because then it becomes more likely that I will push myself harder to make that change happen. Which means the self compassion decreases.

    Urges have been manageable lately.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2020
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  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Good to read that you had these days. Too bad we can't choose how we feel. I can relate to that. Last week I was doing really well in being mindful. The tricky thing is then that I kind of set that as the new standard. It became something I longed for. In other words, I was not being mindful at all about that. So complicated. Then it all vanished I gave up on being mindful and just decided to be angry I guess :mad::D. Pfff. Let's not give up!
     
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  15. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I think that age is a vulnerable period in our lives and of course it can shape us mentally for years to come. However, some of those feelings that were installed during our upbringing are no longer relevant today. In adulthood we can use logic and evidence to challenge the beliefs we formed about ourselves back then. I think you could benefit from talking to a therapist, I know you're worried about the cost implications, but what could be more important than your mental health and your sexuality? It can't hurt to at least look for an online therapist and try a session via Skype. Consider it an investment in yourself.
     
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  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I haven't put in an entry for a few weeks now. Things have been pretty messy. I've slipped with my discipline and my routine to a certain degree. Lately I don't feel like socializing much. I've been feeling pretty depressed as well. There is an important thing that I have to start working on but it's making me pretty anxious and I can't really bring myself to get on with it. It gives me anxiety just to think about it. But if I start some of that anxiety will loosen maybe.

    The PMOing has been here over the last weeks but right now I'm three days clean so that's a good thing.

    I've also been spending a lot of time on my own which isn't too good mentally. This has made me think a lot about certain things and I've started questioning some of the guidelines that have been guiding me for a while. It's kind of destabilizing and I'm not sure if this is progress or some kind of regression. So I'm trying to be cautious about it.

    But regardless of my philosophical outlook I think discipline is a fundamental. Discipline helps me be stronger and enjoy life. So I want to keep going back to better discipline for the next few days. I've already made some progress on this front this week and I'll try to keep doing that. Hopefully more things will then fall into place.
     
  17. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Been there.
    You know you're not going to be able to end this till you break out of that comfort zone. Take a step forward and eventually you'll be back on track socializing.
    And don't think before you get out there. Just do it.

    Good job on three days clean. Keep going.
     
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  18. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I hope, you are doing fine. One day, your efforts will pay off.
     
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  19. European Wanker

    European Wanker New Member

    Nice to make your aquaintance, Long Way Home. I enjoyed reading your writings and it has given me something to think about as I start my own journey. Keep going. It's important to remember that a "slip" is not a failure. If you add up all the days you've been clean together, it's really great progress. Congratulations!
     
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  20. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Things are, overall, a mess and a half. I am generally still in the same situation I was in last time I posted an update here. I have not felt much of a need to interact and socialize with people (perhaps this is also why I have written much less here). I would say, overall, I have been in quite a deep depression for the past two months. Come to think of it, since I relapsed off my last long clean stretch (in mid June). Though I don't think the relapse itself is the sole cause of the depression ; I'm pretty sure I had been starting to get depressed before that relapse. But surely the "lower quality" discipline and routine I've had since then has contributed to my depression getting worst, including of course the binges I have had. It's a vicious circle in many ways ; binging makes me less inclined to socialize and then I also probably will end up binging more, and so on. Perhaps one thing that has set me down this downward path is I have lost hope and faith in the possibility for me to actually have intimacy with a woman in the three dimensional life we call "real life". I fear my emotional problems and insecurities around women are so deep, that it's hopeless for me to think I'll be normal around them and have enough self confidence. On the other hand I probably judge myself way to harshly and I'm probably not even that bad (around "them"). Anyways, what's important for me is to get back to a better routine again and to push myself more to interact with people. I should also seek therapy but financially I don't see how I can do this right now. Cheers!

    @Shady and @Pete McVries and @European Wanker - Thanks guys ! European Wanker (lol), nice to meet you and welcome to the forum !

    PS - For the good ol' record, I am, as of this moment, something like 22 hours "clean". I've had some big binges over the last weekend however. I went the distance, as they say.
     

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