In Search of Lost Calm

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thelongwayhome27, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    That's awesome :) We can't avoid negative emotions, but we can change the way we deal with them. I also find it very helpful to remind myself that things pass. Just sit it out and things will be better. All these things that happen to us are part of being human.

    Interesting what you write about NMMNG. I agree that what is in there can be helpful for anyone, no matter your history. The author wrote it after his own experiences, so he may be missing that some things are more general? Although it also sounds logical to me that an unavailable mother can lead to approval seeking behavior towards women. Well, just guessing here, in any way I find it really helpful to have found out where my behavior comes from and why I have made certain choices in life. These kinds of books can really help with that.
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Well guys I have to report that I relapsed today so it's back at Day 0 for me. It was a multiple hour binge. This was still a very good run and I broke my record. I think that right now the best thing I can do is to try to minimize the relapse by not having more PMOs. So far the silver lining is that I have not gone for more PMOs right away as I often do when I relapse off a long clean stretch. Hopefully I can get back on the wagon sooner then later.
  3. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    I'm sorry to hear about the relapse, but thanks for sharing. Not sure if this means much to you, and I know I don't know you personally, but I honestly feel really proud of the progress you have made both on this streak and leading up to it. It's been inspiring to me, and for that I am grateful.

    You might be different than I am, but after relapsing I often get overwhelmed by despair and act out by dismantling the progress I have made in recovery, both with respect to my addiction and life in general. This may not change how you feel now, but I hope this extra voice, my voice, saying that--through this journal--I have noticed the changes you have made and believe in all the constructive changes you can continue to make in the future, helps you in some way as you deal with the difficulties of the post-relapse period after a record-breaking, significant streak. Try not to forget that your brain has already changed as a result of your efforts, and that this relapse doesn't define you.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Take care
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    You're doing really well and a relapse doesn't change that. The emotions and intentions which surfaced, the steps you took, the weakening of sensizitation, those are the real progress. Keep looking at the bigger picture and continue your inspiring journey!
  5. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Back on the horse with you!

    Please remember that the realizations you've had were correct, that the actions you took were good, and the determination to recover and create a better and healthy life for yourself is a good foundation to build on.

    It doesn't always feel good, far from it, but facing the struggle should. Zoomed out, looking at the big picture. Because realistically speaking there is no alternative to it but surrender. And that cannot be an option.

    Take care!
  6. Shady

    Shady Active Member

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  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Every day without PMO is a victory. That was merely a skirmish in the long run.
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  8. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Not in a very good spot. I have been unsuccessful at isolating the relapse I had last Friday and right now I am pretty much out of control. I had more binges that followed on that Friday and also the next day (Saturday). I managed to get myself out for a bit though and was able to stay clean for three days (Sunday, Monday, Tuesday). I was hoping to be able to isolate the two "bad days" (Friday and Saturday). But I have been unsuccessful since yesterday (Wednesday) I had a formidable binge like I haven't had in a while. A true marathon binge where I prefer not even to write the number of hours. I ended up going to bed at 4h AM and only slept for 4 hours. Today I had yet another PMO, though it was under an hour.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Respect for posting man. The inner-addict hates opening up about this because it is another step in its defeat. You'll get out of this state of mind and be back at 60 days before you know it. Stay with us!
  10. Doper

    Doper Active Member

    Well just to show your not alone in this.....Before this virus shit started, everything was going pretty good for me, I know a lot of dummies out there don't take it too seriously (a lot of people around me), but I sure as hell don't want to get it or spread it. So I've been even more isolated than usual. Drinking like a fish, gained about 30 pounds, and where as before this I would have a quick and clean relapse every couple to three weeks like clockwork, which wasn't a big deal to me as I'm still getting a bit better at that rate albeit slowly, the addict side of me stopped really caring, as unlike many people I realized from the start this shit isn't going away anytime soon, and the life I want to lead and the changes I want to make with it aren't exactly possible in this virus scenario, so I just say fuck it, and blow out all the progress I've made over a long period of time in the mindset that by the time this all goes away I could have rebooted myself several times over.....That is of course not the logical me, that's the insane addict me at certain moments of the day (the moments right before things go sour). I've had a couple 25-30 day streaks in the last 6 months, but the rest of the time I've been a less than extraordinary gentleman. I've gone from feeling pretty good to zombified every day, lost the good feeling......well all the friends of desensitization that show up when you pull this kind of thing. Just remember the more you do it the harder it is to not do it. Before this time the only thing that could possibly make me relapse is alcohol, at this point it's far harder to stay away even sober. I'm on day 5 and my brain is screaming for a bottle of scotch and a hit. Way worse than before.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2020
  11. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    I truly am sorry to hear about your string of binges. I wish you weren’t going through this, but I earnestly hope you get back on your feet and feel better soon.

    I suppose I’ll just piggyback off @Gil79 and say ditto.

    Sending you some goodwill. You can weather this storm! This capacity exists somewhere within you. You just have to find it.

    Take care and then some!
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2020
  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Try to focus on where you want to be headed. By doing so, it can be possible to renew the desire and decision to become free from PMO. I know it’s hard, I’ve just had a couple of relapses myself last week, but I firmly believe you can do it! You had a great streak going. How did you feel and what did that bring you when you were clean? It’s good to focus on that to reproduce the desire of fighting to get there once more.
  13. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that man! We have all been in these situations where we were doing just fine and than all of a sudden get stuck in series of relapses where we can't seem to get out of. When I read your post I thought that perhaps instead of trying to isolate the bad days it would be better to accept the situation all together. By that I mean accepting that you are in a cycle that's hard to get out of and that it is likely that you will slip again while you are in this cycle. Perhaps trying to really isolate the days is too much at this point and aiming for that might just lead to dissappointment and shame which aren't the feelings you need to get out of this cycle. An alternative would be to not focus on longer streaks for a while and instead just go back to basics and take things day by day. You have proved yourself so many times (even this week) that you can make it a day. Focus on that, make every day count. I hope that helps.
  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much guys I appreciate all the words of support and the advice. Sorry not to reply individually. Like @Living is saying I think acceptance that relapse has happened can help a lot. I do hope however not to relapse further as that will only make it much harder to dig myself out. I am not thinking in terms of streaks right now but just staying clean now. It's for sure that the less I act out now, the better in the long run.

    I'm happy to say that I didn't act out more since my last post yesterday. Today was tough, I had moments when I was very close to acting out more. It almost felt like "I couldn't not act out". Thankfully I managed to hold on somehow. I knew it was going to be too painful after. But it was a close call.

    A strong workout and a very good meal helped. Afternoons are the toughest and when urges hit me hardest. The opportunity to have a binge. If I make it through the afternoon I am usually calmer in the evening. I know that what would help is to get some goal oriented action going again. It's hard now cause I am in a bit of a "relapse depression". I think maybe I was in a bit of a "depression" even before the initial relapse happened (last Friday), and that it was part of what caused it. But now it's amplified. Hopefully I snap out of it and if I don't binge more then it will be easier to snap out of it.
  15. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    I'm happy to hear you didn't act out! I got thrown off the horse too last night. But I dusted myself off and started right back at where I left off on the path. Not sure where yours will lead you, or wait awaits you around the bend, but sooner or later you'll get to where you want to go.

    Wishing you all the best as you regain your bearings.

    Take care
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  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    @NewStart19 - Thank you as always bro. Much appreciated. All roads lead to Rome. We'll all get there. In this life or the next. ;)

    Full disclosure : I got thrown off the horse last night as well. But looking ahead now.
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  17. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

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  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 2 (42 hours)

    When I look at older pictures of myself, say when I was like late teens or early 20s I see that I was decent looking enough. I was not a stud by any means, and it makes sense that I was not a killer with the ladies. But there was certainly something to me that could have cached the right girl’s eyes. And, like many other people, if I would have been at ease in my skin, I would have looked good and attractive. What made me unattractive was how I felt unattractive in my own skin.

    I was one of those people that you can see tries to be someone they are not, which is the case for many teens who are not happy in they’re own skin.

    I can blame some of the people I grew up with, to a certain extent. Because I think it’s one of the most important things adults can do for a child that grows around them ; to teach him that he is okay as he is. To teach him to love himself. The people I grew around where not able to do that.

    But I cannot blame them too much either. It’s really a hard thing to do and most people are not good at doing this. They think they can take care materialistically of a child, and the rest fixes itself.

    Anyways. As I grew up with this strong lack of self esteem about myself – now that I am older, I am the conscious heir and receptor of this problem. Consequently, I vary between extremes of self hate and self pride. I wobble at both ends but can’t seem to find the elusive middle ground where I can stand up without falling down as often. The middle ground of healthy self esteem.

    @NewStart19 - Thanks ... !
  19. Good luck. It'll get easier and you know it.
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  20. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I think this is what Albert Ellis sees as the difference between self-esteem and self-acceptance. The former is based on how you rate yourself based on your performances and therefore highly conditional. While it might be a bit bold, Ellis called it the greatest sickness known to man or woman. Self-acceptance is about seeing yourself as okay independently of how you perform. It does not mean you can't rate your performances, but the idea is that these performances have nothing to do with your value as a human being.

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