I'm so tired of who I am on porn.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by FreedomFighter, Sep 21, 2012.

  1. FreedomFighter

    FreedomFighter New Member

    This is day 3 of my current reboot.
    This is my 3rd reboot attempt since finding YBoP and learning about the concept.
    I am not going to beat myself up over relapses, that seems to do more harm than good.
    The bottom line at this point is that I am PMO'ing much less and it's my goal to go longer each time.
    I am learning alot about myself and why I've been driven to PMO for the last 40 years. (I'm 50)

    Day 3 is usually easy and I already sense clearer thinking and more confidence.
    My goal is to be finished with PMO and let my brain really remap.
    I know I haven't seen anything yet
     
  2. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    Good to hear, mate! You can do it if you really want to.

    Since you said that you will not beat yourself up over relapsing, you are already on your way. Beating yourself up is a huge waste of time and mental energy. Let the past go. You can't do anything about it, except to learn from your mistakes.

    Don't fear the demons. The more you say that it is going to be hard, the harder it actually will be. Your mind will create the circumstances that you foresee, so envision success. Don't make the temptation demons out to be bigger than they are. Dwell on becoming the great man you were destined to be. Your destiny awaits. It is not over, and you didn't miss it. You're still alive, so there is still a meaningful purpose for your life.

    Total reboot is your ultimate goal, but it may help to set shorter term goals. Like 1 week, 2 weeks, etc. It seems like I got here yesterday, and now I am wrapping up day 16. As you put a few days behind you, the pace of recovery will pick up speed.

    Try to focus on something besides yourself. Do something nice for your family and friends. It will be rewarding and give you a sense of pride. It will also take your mind off of your disorder. The more you dwell on beating PMO, the more likely the triggers will stay on your mind.

    Not trying to preach, just trying to help. Good luck!
     
  3. Arthur Redux

    Arthur Redux Guest

    Your first post sounded really good, Freedom Fighter -- like you were starting to get a handle on things. And DD gave some good advice. Hope you come back soon!
     
  4. FreedomFighter

    FreedomFighter New Member

    This is my first post in almost a month. I keep restarting my reboot and can't seem to keep it going.
    Over the past month I have learned more about myself and the subtle things that PMOing does to me and my thinking.
    Some things that were below the surface have moved up into my consciousness.
    The longest I have gone so far without PMO is 8 days. During that time I could see a glimpses of what being PMO free might be like.
    It has given me an awareness that I didn't have before.
    Something like this: All my life I have been living in the fog caused by the constant use, to some degree, of porn and masterbation.
    My mind has always been preoccupied with it and my porn charged sex drive has caused many regrets.
    While taking 8 deliberate reboot days off I could see changes in me I liked. Cleared thinking, clearer speaking. Less anxiety and paranoia.
    But when I went back into the fog of PMO I was more clearly aware of the negative changes.
    I always thought that it was only the combination of PMO that took me into the fog but I have learned in the past few weeks that P alone really does the same things psychologically. Especially in the way that I related to my wife of 28 years and our broke marriage.
    Without PMO, even for a few days, I am less anxious about our future and less obsessed about her past infidelity.
    Then, after a relapse, I find myself immediately back in the old thought patterns.
    Crazy stuff like worrying that she's still cheating or thinking about leaving neither of which are true as far as I see.
    Yes, my abandonment issues are deep.
    All this feeds my need to self sooth.
    It's a self feeding cycle.

    Shorter goals are a good idea, but I need to commit to whatever smallecr goals I set.
    Current Goal: Get through today PMO free
     
  5. Prinster

    Prinster New Member

    WOW that is an open and in depth post. I know how you feel when you say the fog comes straight back. I slipped after just 14 days and was amazed how quickly it happened and how my motivation slipped away as well. The pull of P.M and O is so strong as to undermine everything you have done to get over it.
    We are all fighting a war and we gain strength from those around us to beat the PMO enemy and its negativity. There is a wonderful existance for those of us who win the fight and I really hope to join you in that glow that is the future PMO free existance


    Keep up the good fight my friend
     

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