I'm scared this won't work (my history & concerns)

Discussion in 'Erectile Dysfunction / Delayed Ejaculation' started by doubtfully-optimistic001, Jul 23, 2019.

  1. I've been going through this "reboot" for about 5 months now. I know that its not a lot of time, especially because my addiction to porn and masturbation started when I was young. I saw my first pornographic pictures when I was about 8 or 10 and masturbated for the first time when I was about 13, that also happened to be to hentai, so that might be considered a little extreme or unorthodox compared to traditional porn. During my adolescences I began using panties that I took from my friends' sisters or my own sister as a masturbatory aid, and that stuck for a while. I still have thoughts and desires about that sort of thing. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 23 and that was a nightmare on its own. I could barely get hard enough to keep my penis inside of my "at the time" girlfriend. I thought it was general performance anxiety, but the same thing would happen again and again with her and other females that I would get involved with. BJs wouldn't keep me erect, and honestly HJs were the only thing that would make me O, but even that took awhile. It was around that time that I discovered what PIED is and a lot of stories and general symptoms matched my story as well. Even learning about PIED didn't cause me to start my reboot. I started my reboot when my most recent girlfriend broke up with me, she was my longest relationship and meant the most to me. I suspect that my PIED and lack of sexual interaction with her became too much for her to bare. After a failed attempt after about a week or two, I took it seriously during my second attempt. I threw away all of the panties that I had collected and did not touch my computer at all, I even put a parental block on my TV. Its now been almost 5 months since I've watched/done PMO. I've been having a lot of wet dreams lately and my interest and desire to have sex with a physical partner is starting to increase more and more. I've fantasized about sleeping with my coworker multiple times, while I was talking with her and noticed that I've been checking out women more and more at at the gym or in the streets. I think that is a good thing though. After reading some of your stories, I'm starting to think my reboot will take years instead of months. I don't know if I can or want to wait that long.

    I guess my question would be, "Is this normal(experiencing a lot of wet dreams, and increased desire)", "When will I know when I am ready to have sex or have "cured" myself of PIED? Is it trial and error?" Can anyone relate to my story?

    I'm really scared that my PIED will never go away and I will never have a healthy sexual relationship at all.
    nuclpow likes this.
  2. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Sounds like good progress to me to be honest. Congratulations on five clean months, that's some serious money in the bank.

    Regarding the PIED, you have to get intimate again but I would advise to take it really slow. This is what I did and it worked perfectly. Guys like us who have been plagued by PIED for many years and really had some traumatizing experiences need to get back into action really slowly. Therefore, I would suggest not to visit a prostitute to "test" your erections but to find a possible partner, get to know her, and slowly but steadily progress with her until you get intimate with each other. Rebooting is one thing, rewiring completely different beast. All the best, don't get discouraged, try to relax as much as possible and I'm sure you'll be able to recover from your PIED sooner or later.
  3. Guts

    Guts Member Staff Member

    It took me a little over 6 months to see substantial results, and I am a heavy wet dreamer so don't worry about that. I had the same worry for 7 years and it prevented me from ever keeping a good streak. Wet dreams do absolutely nothing, though I will say they can give you a flatline feeling, at least for me they did.

    I would also suggest going hardmode, if you already aren't. That will speed up the process. You'll know you're cured when you have consistent lasting erections.

    If your brain gave you PIED, then it can get rid of PIED.
  4. Thanks everyone. I'll be honest, I relapsed earlier. So I'm going on Day Zero again. I probably should've gone here to seek support instead of giving in and caving. I don't feel any better or worse; I'm slightly disappointed in myself. I guess relapsing helped me rid my mind of the fantasies and desires. I guess now I know where I went wrong and now I have to find a way around it so I don't cave at the 5 month period. I'm trying not to look at it as restarting again for an additional 5 months, this isn't a timed thing. Abstaining from PMO will be a lifelong achievement and I need to learn how to adapt.

    For the third time around. Is it ok to M without any P, just use sensation? It became really tough after the first few months and apparently it hadn't gotten any easier. I feel like adapting that rule would help me from caving again, but it would slow my progress down or prevent it entirely.
  5. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    You make the rules and have to see what works best for you. Personally, I'd advise against M. But maybe, it'll work for you? When I tried to reboot with M, the M always sucked me back in to P. Also it seems to be helpful to give your sexual system a complete rest. Another positive effect for me also was that abstaining from self induced orgasms increased my libido a lot and that ultimately made me date a woman and in result I started having sex (which of course is a big goal in almost every reboot).
  6. How do you balance dating with the fear of being unable to achieve an erection when sex is such an important aspect of dating and relationships. I met a girl that I really like, but I'm afraid that when we do end up getting intimate, my PIED will manifest itself and ultimately discourage that girl from wanting to be with me. (kind of like what happened in my last two; and only relationships) It's not something you can just blurt out to a girl that you've gone on 1 date with, but it's also something I want her to know and understand. So many women hold sex as an important aspect of a relationship, that I find it near impossible to date while I'm dealing with PIED, but on the other hand dating helps take my mind off of abstaining.

    I feel like the societal pressure of men, especially around my age (26), are that we should be hard and ready to go at a drop of a dime. So when I can't measure up to those standards, I feel broken, undesirable, and I feel like no women wants to deal with that. Fuck I dont want to deal with it. Not to mention that I'm average in terms of size, and I know so many women are "size queens"

    PLEASE HELP ME. Does anyone else have that same fear and experience with dating? And how did you overcome it before successfully rebooting?
  7. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    First of all, I want to congratulate you on being 40 days clean. You are off to a promising start. Now, try to maintain the focus not to relapse. From my own experience, I gauge you are now in a very critical phase because urges and cravings should get a lot less after 60-90 days. For rebooters with PIED, it seems like it is super important not to relapse, watch porn or artificially arouse yourself in order to recover from PIED. So, this should remain your number one priority!

    From your post, I gather that you built a lot of fear when it comes to sex. There is a lot of pressure to perform. It is super difficult to get back into action after having ED for so many years and recovering and having sex again seems like an unclimbable mountain. But it is not. Is is a difficult mountain to climb though and therefore you should have the right tools and prepare yourself.

    I'll repeat myself: Try to find a woman with whom you can things rather slowly. Don't date some wild party girl who wants you to do backflips in bed so to speak.

    It worked extremely well for me. After ~100 days being PMO free hard-mode, I started dating an old fellow student of mine. Luckily, I could set the pace. So, we went on two dates just spending time and getting to know each other better. On the third date we had the first kiss. On the fourth date she spent the night at my place and we cuddled and kissed. On the fifth date we had sex but without penetration. From the sixth date onwards, we started having sex with penetration. Before having sex, I told her that I'm a bit rusty but everything worked fine. I count myself very lucky because my partner was very understanding and didn't force me to do anything while being unpatient.

    I had the SAME exact fears that you are describing. And, I'm pretty sure, the majority of rebooters who have PIED have the same fears because it's only logical to have these fears. But according to my own experience, not all (or maybe even the majority?!) of women are not these devilish succubi creatures that'll eat you alive when you don't perform perfectly. And if your partner turns out to be like that, it is her fault and her loss not yours. But therefore it is also very important in my opinion to get to know your first sexual partner a bit better after coming out of the PIED desert to prevent such things. Many women are insecure themselves and it is only natural when getting intimate with somebody, isn't it?

    Baby steps, my friend, baby steps and travel at your own pace. Things will work out for you, I'm sure of it!

    Take care!
  8. So I did end up kissing her on the first date. And we've had sexualized conversations over text, so I'm hoping I didn't shoot myself in the foot and make her think that I wanted to rush things with her. Did you discuss your PIED with your partner prior to your first sexual encounter (non-penetrative) or did you phrase it as being rusty (as you described)? I want to be open with her without scaring her away or making her think I'm some kind of sex addicted deviant. (Granted PIED probably isn't a good discussion point after only a few dates)

    It is worth mentioning that I haven't actually had any solid sexual experience with a physical partner, so i think that also plays a huge part of my fear. Its not like I had sex as an adolescent and then developed PIED. PIED has always been an issue of mine even before I had my first sexual encounter, I just never realized it until the same patterns of ED happened with every following partner. So on top of rewiring my brain, I'm also trying to learn more about how to have sex(not like birds and bees, but like the actual movements around sex) I'm so used to self stimulation, which is 100% different from being with an actual partner. You know, masturbating in bed or wherever is vastly different from being with a partner in bed or wherever.

    I really appreciate you listening, and providing advise and personal experience.
  9. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I'm glad, if I can be of any help. I basically went through the same exact stuff, you are about to go through.

    Above all, I want to tell you that your endeavour is very courageous. Experiencing PIED is crippling, traumatic and it is extremely hard to get back into action after only having failed when it comes to achieving erections. That's why I told you to take slow steps because in my opinion it is very helpful to cautiously approach the idea of having sex again. And please remember that sex, once you are feeling comfortable, is a beautiful thing. So I'm hoping that you can see your efforts from a positive perspective!

    For me it was very helpful to see that my dick was showing signs of life with having my pants on. It was also very helpful for me to focus on cuddling and kissing before even thinking about penetration. I had to get used to intimacy without fear again firstly before I felt comfortable to have sex. Furthermore, it helped me to have the assurance that I can get hard and achieve an orgasm not induced by myself. I needed all that before I dared to think about penetrative sex. Take all the time you need!

    I told my partner that I was a bit rusty after having sex for the first time. In hindsight, that wasn't necessary, but I just wanted to let her know that things would only get better from there. You don't have to justify yourself. Sex is not a competetive sport even though porn teaches you something completely different. Same with your dicksize. I'm 'only' average sized, too. But this is a non-issue. She obviously seems to like you, do you really think, she will make away once she sees your average size dick?! And if she does, you dodged a bullet, so really that is not a problem at all. We all have completely messed up expectations thanks to insta filters, photoshop and plastic surgery.

    Moreover, I would strongly advise against telling her about your PIED or porn past. I elaborately discussed this with my therapist because, as I said, I was in the exact same situation. I really wanted to tell my partner beforehand because that would have excused me if I had failed. That was my line of thinking. I wanted to tell her to decrease the pressure on my shoulders. And it can work, some people have done it, some would advise you to do it, but I came to the conclusion not to do it and it was the right decision, I think. You don't know this girl really well (yet) and this is a delicate information. Also, how long did it take you to gather informations about PMO addiction and all the science behind it? And understand it! Do you think, you can explain all this stuff in a few minutes? And do you think, she would believe you and don't think you are a total nutcase? Look how many people don't even believe in the negative effects of porn even though the studies are all out there... The PIED is YOUR problem and YOU are on the road to recovery. It is really not her problem and you shouldn't make it hers. If you became a couple and if you have established mutual trust, feel free to tell her your story but don't raise a mortgage right away.

    I also only had sex once before becoming impotent for more than 10 years, so my experience was also towards zero. I can only give you two pieces of advice. First of all be patient with yourself and allow yourself to be a beginner, to be someone who learns how to have sex. Would you expect someone to be a pro in a sport he is trying for the first time? Why would you expect such thing from yourself then? It wouldn't be advisable to try any stunts in bed, as always, start small and build from there. Missionary (a pillow under her butt makes penetration a lot easier!) and cowgirl were easy positions that I had sex in at first. Once I got comfortable, I was confident enough to try other positions. Shoot some lay-ups before you aim for that 360° windmill dunk ;). Secondly, you can prepare yourself and visualize the time with her beforehand. I even went so far to read about opening bras again because I hadn't done it in 10 years. I also tried to put on condoms. I also visualized how I could transition from kissing and cuddling to having sex. Stuff like that. You don't have to eradicate spontaneity when it goes down but being prepared and having done it (in my visualizations) certainly have helped me. Keep you on track via landmarks so to speak. Again, once you feel comfortable, you can do all the wild stuff if that's what you want. There is really no rush. You are in it for the long run!

    And that, I want to tell you in conclusion: If you should fail to achieve an erection that is not the end of the world. Maybe, your system needs more time to heal. Perhaps, you are too nervous. Possibly a mix of these two. Then you reboot for a few weeks more and try again. Stay persistent, stay consistent and you will climb out of the hell hole of PIED impotency. I have done it, many others have done, you can do it! As impossible as it may seem sometimes, it can be done. It has been done and it will be done again. Just remember: Rome wasn't built in one day and your ED won't be defeated in one night.

    In any event, keep it rolling! And if you have any questions, feel free to ask!

    Take are and I wish you all the best!
  10. Thank you so much. Your words of experience and advise has really helped me. I hope the 'pillow under her butt' tip will be useful. The difficulty of penetration through missionary was something I experienced with my ex. So I'll try the pillow thing in the future. As I continue on with this journey, I will definitely post any thoughts or concerns and hope you continue to respond with advise; not just for me, but everyone else that's struggling with this.
  11. Things have been going great. I'm still dating that girl that I kissed. It turned out that her sex drive he's diminished recently and she lost the urge for sexual intimacy. Of course this helps and hurts me. I've been developing sexual desires for this girl, but it conflicts with her diminished libido. I really like this girl and have developing a good connection with her, so I'm not willing to leave for the reason of a lack of sex. (That would be hypocritical because I used to be in the same position) she's also in France for a few more months, so that doesn't help. I guess there's not much I can do. I don't want to pressure her, because that almost ruined things in the past. I also understand where she's coming from, she has added stress, she has gained weight since she moved here, etc. So I hope overtime she develops a desire to be with me in a more intimate way.

    On a side note, do you think it's still ok to MO without P every once in a while, like once a month or less? I've done this twice over the past month and feel guilty about it. I'm hoping it didn't hinder my recovery process and progress.

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