I'm completely new here and i have a few questions

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by dombomb, Aug 13, 2014.

  1. dombomb

    dombomb New Member

    I've been researching alot of info on the subject matter for the past several hours but can't seem to find anything conclusive. I want to know if it's possible to overcome fetishes you've had your entire life. a little bit of background, i'm currently an 18 year old male and suffer from a femdom fetish. it is highly destructive to my life and i can see myself heading down a dark path, sacrificing social relationships and forsaking my freedom. this fetish has already hindered many relationships in the past. i've had the fetish for as long as i can remember. i believe it has something to do with my upbringing but am not certain. my father has always been extremely dominant, commanding, and controlling. my mother has always been extremely submissive to him. this is the type of relationship i've found sexually enticing(with me being in mother's position).

    i first noticed the link between femdom and my upbringing when i looked at the type of girls i've been attracted to. they have all shared a million qualities with my father and almost none with my mother.

    i had tried to reboot before a month ago and it worked for 4 days but then i gave in. i felt great and libido was extremely high. but i kept doubting whether it would work and whether i would be hurting my body. those doubts lead me to give in. i couldnt find enough evidence specifically for someone in my case who has had the fetish addiction my entire life, and thought it might be impossible to overcome. all the journals of those in similiar circumstances which i've read had been 70+ days into reboot and still never completely kicked the fetish. i am really scared of having to live with this over my shoulder for my entire life. in addition i'd read that alot of reboots made people sex crazed and it was impossible for them to concentrate on anything but sex. i'm also afraid of that happening to me. what would happen if i reboot and somehow lose the fetish and then go back to occasionally masterbating? would the fetish be gone or re-emerge?

    i don't know what to think or believe with this because nothing seems certain, i just want to improve my life and stop this before it consumes me. i know at times i go back to thinking that this is what i really want and that there is no other way, i can never even imagine anything else being attractive (i literally have never once been turned on by a females body, just the idea of them dominating me), but i know that objectively keeping the fetish isn't good for me. can anyone give me any advice or point me in the right direction? i'd really appreciate it. i'm just hoping that creating this account and talking to you guys will help me be more committed.
  2. Redemption

    Redemption Member

    Hi I'm new to this board too, with similar problems to you but a bit older. I reckon given your age, given that you have already arrived here, you can turn this around. Certainly, whatever happens, this fetish (it's actually a paraphilia not a fetish, but people on here get them mixed up) with have less power over you. It will probably always be there, but that's no big deal because you won't be acting on it compulsively.

    Basically, the answer to your questions depend on a number of things.

    1) Did you ever fancy girls in a normal way? Like when you were much younger? Sure, you always had a thing for slightly more dominant girls or whatever, but that is not the same as only be able to get turned on by femdom porn.

    2) Have your desires escalated? Since you started using femdom porn, has the stuff you got off on become more extreme as a result of porn?

    3) How often are you masturbating to porn? The more you are doing it to porn, the more likely it is that porn is the problem.

    Whatever the answers, best way to find out is doing what people on here are doing. No porn. And no masturbation, at least for a while. Take it a day at a time and try and occupy yourself with practical things so there is less opportunity for temptation to enter your mind.
  3. dombomb

    dombomb New Member

    1. i never really did. i remember being 4 and i used to masturbate to fantasies of girls dominating me. as weird as that sounds. and i have never, as far as i can recall, been turned on by a normal girl. i've never ejaculated with a girl because they've never been able to get me hard. female bodies are mostly a neutral thing for me to be honest, other than feet and their legs. but i've never had normal attraction. and i only view legs and feet as attractive because i always assosiate them with being dominated

    2. well it's started to, i've been noticing recently. i started on femdom porn when i was around 13-15 (not sure exactly when). and i originally was only into the most vanilla stuff, and only the fantasy. until recently whenever i had the oppurtunity to have a mistress i always backed off out of fear. recently i accepted one and found myself inflicting self-pain which i never thought i would do. i can tell it'll probably keep getting worse if i feed the paraphilia.

    3. well on average i masturbate 3-7 times a day. depends on what i'm doing that day. it's usually to porn, but about 35% of the time i'm looking at a picture or text conversation with a girl masturbating to the thought of the girl in the picture dominating me or the dominant overtone of the text conversation.

    and yeah i read the post by underdog i'm planning on using a spreadsheet and everything like him. luckily i'm all set on the practical thing part, i'm almost always busy which should help.
  4. XFinity

    XFinity Withdrawal is a bitch.

    3-7 times a day is really bad dude. That's definitely why you are overthinking all of this. Your dopamine receptors are all messed up lol. You have been brought up on this over stimulating paraphilia which then has caused normal sex to not be exciting or anything. Your receptors will gain sensitivity and you will be able to live a normal life once you stay away from all forms of sexual stimulation. This includes masturbation. I too started fapping at a very early age and have experienced bad fetishes, and I can honestly say that even though I'm 180+ days porn free. I am not there yet, but I don't really think of sex that often anymore.

    Clearly, this paraphilia has takin control of your life dude! Life isn't all about sex, not at all. Sex is just a nice stimulating activity to have with a partner. There's much more to life than this. You really gotta take a 180 and get on track. You may not completely lose the fetish, but I guarentee if you are atleasttt 6 months PMO free, that you will be a more confident and happier man. I'm serious!!!!!

    By the way, it can take up to 2 years to completely return back to normal. Don't let this discourage you though! Even 1 year is a lottttttt. You will be very surprised, trust me! It's all self control
  5. toxicviper23

    toxicviper23 Guest

    Xfinity pretty much nailed everything I was going to say..

    Quit PMO for good. Even quit masturbation for a number of months.

    It will the the best thing you have ever done in your life, I can promise you that :)
  6. auzzie_mikey

    auzzie_mikey Well-Known Member

    It's because toxicviper23 is my chemical brother. Geddit?
  7. dombomb

    dombomb New Member


    after many many short (1-2 day) attempts to quit and weeks on end of going back to my old ways, I feel like i'm making no progress. I keep coming to these blocks where I convince myself it's what I want? how can I overcome that? because I always lose when that happens, because I can't fight myself when I truly believe sticking to the addiction is what's best for me, for months on end.

    any advice on this? it seems to be my biggest road block. like I have so much motivation for a few days but then spiral downward the second I think that this might be what I really want
  8. XFinity

    XFinity Withdrawal is a bitch.

    Sounds like you have low motivation. This can also be caused by low dopamine. Either way though, you obviously aren't making progress if you are going only 1-2 days without PMO...

    A way to overcome it is to man up and stop giving in. Think of porn being as bad as heroine. Now do you feel like an addict? It technically is a drug, even though it's not a substance, it still alters your mind state and is pretty addicting. Now every time you think you want it, again think of it as being heroine. Do you want to keep using it? You know it's bad for you, so why continue? Stop using bullshit excuses like "well just this last time again" or "maybe I just naturally have a high sex drive". You know it's bad for you, you know you can stop if you want to. BUT it's your choice and your life. So stop being ignorant and really think about it.
  9. dombomb

    dombomb New Member

    Xfinity, hey man, when, not if, but when I get completely over all of this I will be forever indebted to you. you've given me nothing but the best advice and explanations so far. I believe that is what I should do, I'll try that. Because a common cop out has been based on the paraphilia and not the activity. if I refocus on the addictive aspect rather than the actual idea of the fetish then that could really help. because no matter what state of mind i'm in, addiction should be pretty damn clear and is never good. Thank you man :)
  10. ANewPerson

    ANewPerson New Member

    Ok, if you can't do a reboot (can only handle 1-2 days you say) but you still want to overcome the fetish then you should try replacement therapy. This is what psychologists use on sexual offenders who have anti-social fetishes and who want to get rid of them and it has a very high success rate.

    The first thing you will need is discipline and a goal orientated attitude. This is how it works:

    First stage

    1) Every time you PMO (masturbate to porn) from now on have a normal porn image / video on standby.
    - For this I recommend a POV (point of view) blowjob video. I recommend this because when I used to PMO this type of P used to give me the best feeling of confidence and the point of view makes it seem more real, conditioning you to real encounters as opposed to watching two people. Also with POV normal porn if the girl says anything it's usually positive things directed at you like how much she loves your manhood or how good you are etc. (stark contrast to your femdom material).

    2) Masturbate to your usual fetishistic stuff but as soon as you're about to O switch to the normal image / video and O on that.

    3) Continue with this EVERY TIME you PMO for a week.

    Second stage
    The same as above but this time you start with your fetishistic porn and then when you feel you are getting close you switch to the normal stimuli (e.g. the POV blowjob video) and you work yourself up and O to that.

    Final stages
    The same again, just keep on decreasing the time on the fetishistic video and increasing the time with the normal video.

    After two weeks you should be able to manage half and half. Your goal then should be to just initially get yourself going with the fetish video as a jumpstart into the normal video.. and your final goal is to PMO without any fetishistic porn whatsoever.

    I'm confident you can do this within a month. After that, no looking back. Your pleasure system will be rewired to the normal material. This is entirely your choice though and nobody can do this for you, it will take discipline... but seriously how hard is it to PMO and just change the stimuli at the last minute and then increase the time? It will get easier the more you do it.
  11. XFinity

    XFinity Withdrawal is a bitch.

    Thank you for the kind words. I'm just trying to give back to the community though. So please pass it on, help other people if and when you are able to. These types of things are needed to help others out and let them know they aren't alone.

    Let me know if anything happens and if you have any other problems.

    Cheers :)
  12. XFinity

    XFinity Withdrawal is a bitch.

    I suggest staying away from this... This is just making it seem like porn isn't much of a problem... If anything, it's encouraging you to continue with it. Please ignore this guys post
  13. ANewPerson

    ANewPerson New Member

    It's the actual clinical way to overcome fetishes used by psychiatrists to treat criminal fetishists.

    If the OP can't make 2 days without relapsing and he wants to overcome his fetish then he might as well use PMO to overcome it since it would only take about a month after which he could do a reboot.
  14. XFinity

    XFinity Withdrawal is a bitch.

    Dude, your are trying to present things from a psychologist/psychiatrist's point of view, when in reality, over half of them out there don't even realize that porn is a serious addiction... It's like saying that taking heroine is fine, only if you only take a smaller amount of it while eating healthy and working out. Come on now, let's use common sense...
  15. NickRiviera

    NickRiviera Guest

    Your argument brilliantly illustrates, that it is ever so often the way you use (and abuse) things that creates the poison.


    Apparently "heroin" is being used as a painkiller in the .... UK. Officially. Legally. So in fact it does seem to be okay to use it - under strict supervision, for a limited time and in cases where its positive effects are outweighing the potential negatives.

    Same is true for porn. Porn abuse and sex addiction are the problems. It is therefore very much understandable, that not everyone is on the anti-porn bandwagon, especially not people who are supposed to take care of your mental health on a professional level. If you read a little bit outside of YBOP (and sites like this one) about the problems and discussions going on regarding sex addiction (porn addiction is a part of that), you will see there are many different point of views you can have on the subject. And approaches to adress the issues.

    Personally I find it refreshing to read an approach from "the other side of rebooting" here, though I cannot assess how valid or relevant it is.
  16. ANewPerson

    ANewPerson New Member

    The heroin analogy isn't comparable. An analogy off the top of my head could be... say you've got someone who wishes to learn to drive a car but can't because he is addicted to playing some horrifically grotesque video game which gives him mental problems. He switches to playing a driving simulation game and then after a month gets in a real car.

    The OP would conduct this for only 1 month to rewire his fetish during which time he otherwise would most likely be PMO'ing to his regular fetish anyway. After which he will attempt a reboot after having his fetish already rewired.

    Here's a quote from the OP:

    Replacement therapy is the clinical way to overcome deep rooted fetishes if the patient doesn't want to use testosterone blockers.
  17. XFinity

    XFinity Withdrawal is a bitch.

    Who cares if you don't think my analogy was proper? I still do.

    This "replacement therapy" still uses porn pathways which obvious aren't a good thing when it comes to overstimulation/desensitization. Either way it's an addiction and is the main root of the escalation of his fetesh in the first place. Most fetishes or morphed tastes of porn are caused by a decline in dopamine receptors. This is because the overstimulation of these receptor cites produces a numbed pleasure response. As a result, it takes more shocking material to have that same sense of satisfaction that one may have when using porn for the first couple of times.

    This obviously shows that the OP started his porn addiction early age and started with "normal" porn.
    As you can see, he also masturbates quite frequently as well. So a numbed pleasure response is obviously what has happened to him.

    Going back to vanilla porn will cause less stimulation, but I personally don't see it as being a solution. You never addressed to him how many times he will be able to masturbates to porn or even said how long. You are just saying to orgasm to a normal picture or video which isn't even helping the fact that he can edge on his fetish porn as long as he wants at first. Believe it or not, edging is worse than climaxing. This is when dopamine is at it's highest point of control. It is able to be controlled based off of the material given. It can last for hours and hours as well, while an orgasm doesn't last for an hour. If anything, an orgasm is a high hit of dopamine, followed by the release of endorphins, prolactin, and a decline in dopamine. The decline in dopamine can be a good thing, as well as the other chemicals, but it doesn't change the fact that isn't wiring his brain more than the fetish material if he's edging.

    Another thing to realize is that his previous "vanilla porn" pathways are still there. They just aren't as stimulating when activated compared to his fetish. As a result, even if he was masturbating to just vanilla porn, it's obviously still an addiction, but the thing is that this "vanilla porn" is also intertwined with his fetish at the same time. For example, if he's watching "vanilla porn", he will think about his "fetish" and probably climax to the thought of it, or if not, he will at least still associate the given material with it. This is an issue since "vanilla porn" is obviously still overstimulating receptor sites, even if it isn't his fetish.

    Now yes I do see your therapy technique as being beneficial in a way, but I don't believe that it will help. Most addicts are compulsive with their addictions. That being said, if he's turned on by his fetish during a vanilla video, he will still obviously have the possibility of an urge to go back to the fetish video.

    Overall, I believe that staying away from porn itself is the best thing to do for all porn addictions. This is because it can still cause problems like insomnia, depression, anxiety, brain fog, erectile dysfunction, increased ADHD like symptoms, and even HOCD. If he wants to make any progress, then staying away from any form of artificial sexual stimulation will be needed to allow dopamine receptors, regulation, and transmission to return to normal.

    Thank you.
  18. ANewPerson

    ANewPerson New Member

    Good point. You need lots of self control to undertake this and not use it as an excuse to edge. Personally, I had a porn induced medium strength fetish which I rewired using this technique a few years ago but I have pretty good self discipline and self control so it wasn't too hard for me. When I then attempted nofap afterwards I found my cravings were for "vanilla stuff" rather than the fetish. This helped my every day confidence.

    This kind of thing is usually done under the supervision of a qualified therapist though so I should probably suggest you seek help unless you have very good self control, self awareness and discipline to undertake this method yourself.

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