I'm back.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by breath, Sep 19, 2021.

  1. breath

    breath Active Member

    I'm 57 been here since 2005.
    Same problem.
    I need to knuckle to down to matrimonial home/mortgage.
    I have to kick this PM habit.

    Marriage is better now :) was rocky for many years. It survived and is much better. Still have doubts occasionally, but, life is full of challenges, and I believe we get back what we put it..I had best be the best me possible. If she's on board to try to make a great marriage then it can be so. If she's not, then at least I'll have tried.

    Now, My goal (#1)may be simply not to overdo it with masturbation or PM... There was never, I thought, a good argument against PM on moral grounds. Rather, the problems are mores around focus productivity, and an almost ADD trait of craving release and instant gratification release of tension......that underachieving is what I want to outgrow. It is a lack of stick to it-ness.Perhaps if there was PM at times, but I was otherwise well engaged with career and family , I'd not feel so negatively about my PM habit.

    s. Simply though, it is a negative factor towards having good happy feelings and balance. Sometimes I have ED with the wife. I take tadalafil and if I have not masturbated for a couple of days will almost always be fine.. Rest, and exercise (at 57 yrs) do factor in. I will try not taking tadalafil until the weekend. It does give headaches but if I take less I'm ok, and if I haven't squandered my chi from PM I'll be good to go. To add to that, Covid has really messed with my cardio and fitness. Goal (#2) is cardio. I take DHEA and used to do push ups and such - I got out of the habit but have re-started that..
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2021
  2. breath

    breath Active Member

    p.s. how do I reset the counter again ?- it's been a while away from YBR
  3. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Welcome back breath. All the best for your journey to freedom.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    First of all "Welcome Back!" Nothing like that feeling of starting fresh. :)

    I think it is important to not judge someone for watching P on moral grounds, but I absolutely have come to believe that P is immoral. As passive watchers of the stuff we have no idea the circumstances the "actors" are in. Using a cellphone is not a moral issue, but when you know that much of the cobalt used in them comes from children mining it, then morality enters into the equation. Addicts always try and minimize the harm they are doing to others and themselves. Are we just a passive watcher or an enabler?

    Said every addict ever. I've thought all those same thoughts, Breath, but at the end of the day it is all justification.

    It's great that you and your wife are getting along and that you're here ready to conquer the beast.
    Libertad likes this.
  5. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    welcome back my brother,
    the positive is that you made it back-many don't. i echo what Saville had to say-these are all excuses to PMO. they may be valid but never the less excuses. i have used all those rationalizations and many others to remain in my filthy fantasy world. you state that your goal is not to overdo it with masturbation or PM-for me i need to completely abstain from all porn, dirty pictures, and any sexually stimulating images/stories. my brain is so hardwired for this shit that i need to rewire it completely. at least you are still banging away, good for you. i have had PIED for years. since i have been free of PMO-once in a great while i will have MW. a good sign. someday.....if i stay on this recovery journey.
    also, i am 67 years old and i can not say enough about exercise. i try to daily do something-mainly calisthenics, but will lift weights once or twice a week. not doing it for vanity but to keep my bones,tendons,ligaments, and muscles working in my old age. besides i really get an endorphin rush every time i work out. not as intense as PMO, but it's a healthy one. enough of my ramblings. hang in there my friend.
    Libertad likes this.
  6. breath

    breath Active Member

    Thanks very much badger and Saville. It is really so great to share the journey (which is often , most often so hidden) with others. And while each of us has a unique circumstance, there is a universal human quality to look after - to be happy and healthy.

    I want to make it work with my wife. I'm as I said, 57 and am past the days of erections on a dime.

    I was not making an excuse for PM, but a distinction about A) bashing myself (or others) for having that weakness.. It is NOT a sign of low moral character. I see no point in that judgement. It is true that to an extent displeasure at oneself - or even feeling ashamed of the PM habit are red flags to which we should pay attention, but they are NOT WHO WE ARE. My goal to find and practice better habits ais not dependant or helped by guilt... that's all I'm saying. People who have a weakness for Mars bars are not morally lacking. The body's instinct is to get fast calories, eating the low hanging fruit so to speak... That doesn't mean that the Mars bars are ok... mo, they can kill a person in fact... But how to rectify the habits, from negative to those which help... better not to think of one's self as weak or in other negative lights. But to get inspired towards pursuing goals which make me feel proud and happy.
    Saville likes this.
  7. breath

    breath Active Member

    ps . as I felt today/this morning I would normally rub one out. (Wife was clearly not game for sex today).

    But I'll refrain. Why? To save my chi and hope for sexual intimacy later in the week.

    I'll work hard in my studio - lots of projects for work due... And I'll try to exercise.... Nice to hear feedback on exercise for older guys here too!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
    Saville likes this.
  8. breath

    breath Active Member

    Thanks, I'll be hoping the best to you also.... Your good nature energy and positive intentions should be an asset for building a good life
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Welcome back, breath!
  10. breath

    breath Active Member

    In recent +40 posts:
    Very good POSITIVE, REALISTIC TRUE STATEMENTS ABOUT PROGRESS (the comment someone made about hammering the stone 101 times and the first 100 were contributing the that final break (breakthrough)

    . I will remember never to think my efforts - even when failed - or especially when failed, are CTUlly useless or only bound to produce failure. I can change, we all can.

    I was reading, nodding to the accounts on recent +40 threads about the rationalizing about rubbing one out... Of course MO is not morally wrong.. But we all have to assess what it does to our energy and our life.

    My tak eon myself: i have always masturbated it is both natural and ok on one hand, but on another it has for most of my life been an avoidance. A sedative which stopped me from growing the courage, fostering the courage. I have many achievements at age 57, but I also have many (too many) areas where I failed to grow.

    I had held the fort when our kids were young nurturing homemaking as well as working freelance out of the house.. My wife took courses and got a degree in this time.. now it is my turn I think. I'll need to have determination and chi
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2021
  11. breath

    breath Active Member

    I have caught myself, deep into some prep for work, and as a form of avoiding I had the familiar urge/habit making me turn to rubbing one out. . I caught myself however, seeing quite clearly that it is not something in line with my plan of becoming more present in my work, and functioning more to the best of my abilities.... I need to become more enterprising and bring money into the household....

    It will not only be a relief not only for my wife who has become maxxed out as the breadwinner, but also to myself. It will, I believe, bering a feeling of greater pride in myself. I recently completed a masters degree. The 2 years of course work was easy but the thesis portion dragged on for a year and a half. But I found the gumption and completed my MA. Now I want to take the stick-to-it-ness I mustered and continue.. The 1 1/2 years was not all working. In fact I was procrastinating greatly, but only got it together in the last few months.. How often do we ramble aimlessly for large chunks of time and then get a great deal more done in the smaller chunks of time - almost fleeting moments)

    Getting dreamy, avoiding pursuing work with courage and joy is something that I often avoided with PM... I wish to leave that behind..

    PM has got to stop.
    Normal MO I'll see it, is OK if not excessive, and PARTICULARLY IF IT IS NOT A NUMBING- AVOIDANCE - COP OUT TACTIC..
    I'll use the new energy for productivity and to be ready for a weekend frolic with my wife in our bed..
    I sense I'll feel jittery at first, a little stress prone, but can hopefully make the adjustment and this could become my NEW NORMAL

    Got an evening job tonight and have pretty good chi at the moment.. Normally I'd be more chilled but lacking chi from PM.

    I have a plan to immediately pursue freelance work. I may come up with a one year plan... But I don't want to use that as an excuse for not going for it aggressively now! The 1yr plan can take shape but butOctober I should have been actively looking for work!!!!!
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Congrats! This is a huge accomplishment.

    We aren't robots. Some people are wired to work work work, but that doesn't mean that is normal. A bit of dreaming and procrastinating is fine, imo.
  13. breath

    breath Active Member

    Thanks for the encouragement.

    Yes dreaming and pondering without a fixed goal is an essential part of living!

    Specifically, these days I am trying to make a distinction positive dreaming which incubates ideas and helps one move forward to new and wonderful experiences vs. the kind of meandering which leads to PM, numbing distractions which serve as avoidance to vitality of function and accomplishment.

    I'm 57 and have start earning good steady income. I've been750% the family's domestic and 25% a free lancer/ breadwinner. There is the pressure to keep the home/mortgage afloat...

    Gotta be active, persistent, create new habits, new leads. I'm not sure how or what I'll end up doing. I must give my best effort and not get paralyzed with fear.

    My wife has tended to lead what we do.... I need to pursue this on my own 2 feet though!
  14. breath

    breath Active Member

    Another poster commented on his purported ADD (in his gf's opinion)

    I think this tendency - or the wider category of being DISTRACTABLE, may be a common trait to many of us here.

    Today's thought on the matter in my own life:

    I think the term ADD has an unfortunate implication which contests that it is a clinical condition:
    that one either has or not...

    In reality we are all different and range from those who have unwavering focus, or conversely, who lean more or less towards a side of the spectrum which is more 'cat like' and prone to getting distracted, changing our course easily.

    These are qualities - not bad, not good.. just qualities. I have creative talents and do get easily distracted... I am not always a good trip navigator.. So that like many things is an area where I must strive to nurture these non-dominant sides of myself.. Porn does prey on my personality type I believe... The porn itself is not moral or immoral so much as it is a negative factor in my life's productivity, and my interaction with others... I have stopped looking at it, and feel much better so far.. I miss the numbing effect, but that was a cop-out fix that I was doing several times per week. Now I have sex or masturbate when I feel jittery, but with out porn. Also I now recognize the restless jittery feeling as a challenge to work through as an mature adult - I feel it as I always have, but my perspective now welcomes that unsettled feeling which makes me man-up... not in a heroic or macho sense .... but "adult-up" if you like....

    I THE LAST FEW DAYS I HAVE MADE BREAKTHROUGHS. For instance last night I was working on a project , and near the end of my work I felt well it is getting late that was enough for now, and that I could have send the files the next morning...... But I paused, reflected objectively and then realized that I had work for 4 hours done most of the job and in another 15-20 minutes I could organize, relabel andput all those files in a zip. Point is, that I wasn't tired, just prone to the well entrenched habit of putting things off.. To many it would have been an obvious choice to finish the job, and feel that relief and sense of accomplishment and completion.... For me it had to be a conscious choice ... not a hard thing at all in retro spect, but a big challenge for me , with my old habit of PM, and other distractions.. This was a victory and a real departure from the rut. ADD(ish) character it is I believe part of who I am, and why I was even hired for that job in the first place, but also why I required a very brief , but conscious momentary effort to make the decision to stay on the job .
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  15. breath

    breath Active Member

    Wow yet another little moment that is huge just now... Have to get back to some folks about work logistics.. Instead of just doing it immediately I had the idea to first do some online memory logic puzzles which I love to do... (no harm in a few right?") Well, yay I thought better of it... And tended the schedule first... Such a small difference but it was one out of tens of thousands of such moments which has brought me down... Pattern changing> I don't feel a relapse is imminent, but even if a relapse will happen I have tasted this new path! I joined this forum in 2005, wow I'm not the quickest to change but this feels real / lasting for the first time, and as I say, I've tasted it so it's hard to not be weary of forgetting this triumph getting sidetracked.
    Saville and Old Tom Bombadil like this.
  16. breath

    breath Active Member

    Some tough times getting through family stuff... I've put my full heart and soul in.... Kids are great. Rewarding. No trouble at all staying off of porn.. I'm thinking the problem if something is to easy one could forget how bad it was to get hooked on porn again.. Ideas of taking it lightly could bring about a disastrous regression... So it's having a memory of the bad times, and a memory and directive inspiring that I stay on track...

    Staying on track is everything in this. Remembering and keeping the good path alive and as something that I remember as an essential pursuit not to be abandoned.
    Mad Dog and Saville like this.
  17. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    in the beginning staying off PMO was my first priority. as soon as i wake up i ask for help from above to stay away from the monster for that day. this way i have set the tone for the day. every minute my mind is not involved in some worthwhile event, i focus on not PMO. complacency, as you stated, is deadly. i must stay on top of it daily until NO PMO becomes me. some days are easier than others. but i have to stay mindful where just one "peek" will take me. i find my most vulnerable time is when i am bored. so i try to stay busy. for other people it's anger, resentment, a feeling of self-entitlement, self-reward for accomplishing something. whatever your triggers are be aware of them. in the end they are all excuses. we are just giving ourselves permission to wrestle with the PORN gorilla again. as for me i never win, so i stay out of the ring. hang in there. praying for you my brother.
    Saville, breath and Libertad like this.
  18. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    That is a cool observation. I see it the same way now. Ones we start wrestling with the Porn gorilla like you called it, we open up the option who we ask for permission, the addicted, weak self of the past or the rational adult self who takes responsibility for his actions and does not make excuses for his weaknesses.
    Mad Dog and Saville like this.
  19. breath

    breath Active Member

    wow i was very close to PM or looking..... instead just normal MO ... urge is gone now... glad i didn't risk losing my current path...
  20. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    You are doing GREAT! Keep keeping on !

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