I'm back again, but this time I'm gonna win

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Newwaynewlife, Nov 1, 2020.

  1. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    I appreciate it, buddy. We're all trying to do our best, with what we have at our disposal, to tackle this sinister side of us.

    As for:

    Whoaaaaa!

    [​IMG]

    As if that uneasy feeling of uncertainty when you're not sure why he's acting like he is wouldn't be enough...only to find out later he is some kind of narcissist...some people...
     
    Newwaynewlife likes this.
  2. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Hey everyone!

    A week ago (day 58, I guess), I had sex with my gf. Due to the pill I'm taking, I managed not to E, moreover, not to O at all (Even though I was close to a dry O at one point). It was mostly manual and oral, but it's a good step in rewiring. On the one hand. On the other, even though we talked about abstaining from sex for 3-4 months, it was horrible to just lie next to each other in the bed after a month of not seeing each other. I don't know how much it sets back my recovery to have O-free sex once in a while (once a month/ in 3 weeks-time), but probably less than edging. As I mentioned above, I don't edge a lot, but I still do it almost every day for a couple of seconds/few minutes in total. OCD sucks.
    Today, I bought a better curtain, that will improve my sleep quality that is pretty bad even with sleeping pills. It may be due to the fact that I'm reading an extremely violent but at the same time deeply interesting book that might have a detrimental impact on my dreams. Anyways, I'm curious if I will sleep deeper/with less interruptions this night.
    Otherwise, I was back in my home country where I still feel socially really secure. I have good friends who also love each other. On the contrary, here, I don't have real friends and don't have time either to make new friendships. This latter, however, may come from the former: as I have profound relationships at home, I don't really value the "second-class" friendships here, moreover, as I go home rather frequently, I'm not forced to seek new friends. It's something I don't like, but still, I should accept it.
    Today would have been the (last?) session with this abusive therapist, but he didn't confirm it (he tried to keep me in uncertainty). I texted him but didn't reply. In hindsight, he was lying to me, he was manipulating/gaslighting and he tried to opress me in many ways. I'm trying to figure out what may be the take home message, if there is anything beneficial or useful I can take from it, but I haven't find anthing so far.
    In sum, I have urges, but I can deal with diffiulties in my life. I think that it is mostly because of the medication, but it doesn't mean that it's neessarily a problem. I'm tring to take advantage of the less wild urges and rewire my brain: going to bed early, waking up early, doing weightlifting and meditation in the morning, learing a new language, and so forth (even though when I was in my home ountry, I didn't do my daily habits). I hope it will work and that when I discontinue the medication, it won't rebound.

    -------------
    P: 65 days
    M: 0 day
    O: 25 days
    E: 35 days

    Work out: only for two days now, 29 times in the past 41 days
    Meditation: only for two days now, 89 times in the past 100 days
    Cold shower, kegels: basically every day in the past 8 months
    and daily journaling/diary is still not part of my life....
     
  3. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Strictly speaking, I relapsed a couple of hours ago. For a research project we are doing, there is a huge database of videos (GIFs), and some of them are related to sexuality/P. There is a safe version and an uncensored one, and I intentionally looked up the latter. I hovered my mouse over 2 GIFs, I think, and I felt the taste of adrenaline in my body, my heart rate started to go up, there were two big titties bouncing, and I quit. It didn't took for more than 5 second, I guess. I hope. Obviously, I completely lost track of time (and of everything), but I don't think it was much more. I felt pretty guilty, it must have spiked the ΔFosB levels back up. I felt pretty scared about the upcoming urges and withdrawals. Nevertheless, I also felt sort of proud for quitting instead of viewing all the 50 vids.
    I'm almost on day 70, and my initial goal was 20 weeks P-free before starting to get rid of P-blockers. I will definitely extend that as these hrmful pathways in my brain were re-ignited. Notwithstanding, I won't reset my counter as long as I feel that the damage caused by this slip is more serious than what I think now (e.g. more craving, M, fantasizing...). I think that resetting it would have a more harmful effect (sense of failure, guilt) than beneficial (deterring me from viewing these or other vids again). Furthermore, I think that I could have seen a similar scene for the same amount of time in a movie as well. Or is it just rationalization? What do you think?
    Otherwise, I cut my finger horribly 2 days ago, so I skipped workout for two days and today I did a shorter version than what I normally do. Recently, I also get "distracted" more during meditation. I also think a lot about trying to socialize here more, but I feel that along with my studies/work, rewiring, and having healthy sleep hygiene, I just don't have enough time to do so.

    -------------
    P: 69 days
    M: 0 day
    O: 29 days
    E: 39 days

    Work out: only today, 31 times in the past 45 days
    Meditation: for six days now, 93 times in the past 104 days
    Cold shower, kegels: basically every day in the past 8 months
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2021
  4. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    yes, urges are stronger, today I touched myself more than previously. I also looked up some vanilla pics and while cleaning my computer, some nudes. still could stop after a couple of seconds, but from tomorrow I won't use my laptop at home, again. It was a rule that worked 1-2 months ago.
    It's unbelievable how much even a tiny trigger can change my brain. I don't know how much it set back my progress, I hope that in a couple of days it goes away. I don't have more time for this shameful life. I could be a journalist, an activist, I could have a perfect work-life balance, I could live close to my friends and be an extremely popular guy if I hadn't wasted basically two-third of my life. I have a decade left to build up and live this life, but for that, I mustn't indulge even for a second more in this toxic and disgusting shit. I'm 34 in 3 months, if I don't fuck it up, I can have 20 weeks without E'ing (today is day 40). It would be an extraordinary achievement. Btw, today is day 70 without P, but I cannot take it seriously anymore. At the same time, I cannot reset my counter either, I don't feel that my slip was that detrimental compared to my past 5-10 weeks. But I'm at the beginning of a serious relapse, so I need to make stricter rules and more attention to my anti-PMO system and somehow bring more fun to my life.
    Finally, today I worked out properly and my finger is fine, I will try to start meditating twice a day again (I have a reoccurring intrusive thought that f*cks up my meditation sessions and I cannot get rid of it), and prioritize sleeping enough over waking up super early. The only problem is that with this "safe" lifestyle, I cannot bring fun (socialization) to my life...
     
  5. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Today is better than yesterday, although I am still extremely tired even when I go to bed early and sleep 8-9 hours. I wonder what may be the cause behind the severe sleepiness of P addicts. As I suffer chronic sleep deprivation (even when I was 5, I had hard time to fall asleep), but it seems more widespread among this community, so it may be something else. Or just everyone has chronic sleep deprivation. Have you seen any neuroscience-based explanation?

    I just looked into the beginning of this journal and I just saw that a year ago I hd a similar (even longer!) P-free streak (I thought this one is the longest one...), and I relapsed around this date. I think since then I didn't have any other substantial streak. Nevertheless, I am E-free for 41 days and I think it is a record. This time I won't fuck it up!

    I was reading scientific articles on behavioral addictions, and I found that NAC (N-Acetyl-Cysteine) reduced urges for gambling (and cocaine withdrawal9 through restoring extracellular glutamate in the nACC. I think I will buy it as it has basically no side effect. I will tell you my experiences :)
     
  6. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    70 days, good job!

    Yeah... have trouble falling asleep when I'm horny! :D

    74 days, man, no release. I WANT a wet dream already, LOL!
     
    Newwaynewlife likes this.
  7. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Well, sleepiness is my biggest enemy, maybe even bigger than stress. Most of my relapses happened due to lack of sleep actually.
    Max respect for you for your outstanding achievement. I'm only at day 43 without any "release" and day 33 without any orgasm, but I had real sex twice (without letting me orgasm, which is a great accomplishement!) and I also use some medication to aid myself. So you rock!
    And what about real sex for you? Do you have a prospective girlfriend? When do you wanna start with real sex?
     
  8. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    So yes, sleeping a really tough question in my reboot. On the one hand, I know that if I didn't take sleeping pills, then I couldn't sleep at all and I'd relapse after 2 days. Yesterday, for instance, I didn't take it and I couldn't sleep for more than an hour. This morning, when I felt this lack of sleep in my head, eyes, muscles, and joints I started to touch myself right away, basically automatically, to distract myself from this pain. After 5 minutes I got out of bed, but I wouldn't risk not taking the pill for a second night.
    On the other hand, taking medication will definitely slow down my recovery. Especially since I'm taking two types of medication. Today I read two papers on the link between GABAA activation and Dopamine suppression and figured out that this sleeping pill, by inhibiting GABAA neurons, increases dopa neuron activity (hence works as a reward = it's addictive similar to meth, coke, or P). The other pill is a sort of anti-depressant also used - in smaller doses - to treat nicotine and other addictions and it inhibits the reuptake of dopamine.

    I just feel that this is the longest and most stable period without self-indulgence and with replacement activities (meditation, work-out,...), hence, the only thing I can hope for is that rewiring my brain to rely less on sexual pleasure and more on healthy dopamine/endorphine releasing activities will cure me even if I take medication. I have been struggling for so long, I have tried so many things and I failed so many times that I believe that my case of PMO addiction is just too severe and need medication. I hope it will really work in the long term.
     
  9. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Careful with self-medication. I am forced to do it myself, true, when the doctors fail...but in general, it's something risky :). It's just that sometimes you need to go through plenty of papers to find all the hidden (if it happens they are described...to begin with...) side-effects. Only then, you can see how your body reacts to it...whether it conforms to that theory or not.

    Just take care, buddy. That's all. Not telling you what to do.

    Are you familiar with H.A.L.T.? It's something well known, when it comes to our vulnerability: https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/HALT-risk-states.htm .
     
  10. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member


    Well, luckily I'm quite knowledgeable on drugs & neurotransmitters, and not the side effects are what I'm worried about, but the long-term effects: do they make my neurons "lazy" so that after cessation I rebound and relapse. But I hope that even though I'm changing my life partly while on medication (in the past 2-3 years I stopped drinking, quit drugs and cigarettes, started to do sports, meditation, learning language frequently, I think my relationship is pretty good), this new way of living will work without pills, too.

    Yes, I know the HALT, but I seriously feel that my case is somewhat stronger than many other cases here. I started M'ing around the age of 4-5, by 13 I jerked off 3 times a day on average, I think by 23, I esily O'd 7-8 times until nothing came out from my dick. In the meantime, I was a chainsmoker (both cigarette and weed), and in my 20s I also took a lot of synthetic drugs. I'm sure that my dopamine and serotonin system is pretty burnt out and that it's not a coincidence that this is one of my longest and most stable streak, even though, when I stopped drinking/smoking in the past year(s) I didn't take this medication yet.
    So I believe that it was a good choice, but I have to be conscious about it (this is why I post so many times about it), bc I want to scale down to some other (I'm thinking about Trazodone) in a couple of months.

    So what sort of self-medication are you forced to do @CleanBootsBaby! ?
     
  11. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    I wrote a post this morning, but I closed the browser so I lost everything... Furthermore, I had another shorter post yesterday and it seems to have disappeared, too. I'm not paying enough attention to things, my attention is fragmented, I'm still unable to sit still and read a paper for one go (or for less than ten...)

    It is difficult to believe that I'm on the right path in terms of reaching some sort of result in the future. I'm at day 75 without P, except from the fact that I intentionally watched P for 2-3 seconds less than a week ago. I'm at day 34 without O, although I reached the point with M and sex in the past weeks. I'm at day 44 without E, even though I could see precum whiter than it should be once I M'd. I just tried to have a nap half an hour ago and I automatically started fantasizing.

    More than the half of my sexually active life is probably over (I assume that sex is not an easy option at the age of 68) and I have spent all of fit with watching P, fantasizing about girls I could easily hook up with if I had no social anxiety bc of P, and staying in relationships that I'm not satisfied with (although this time it may not be true) so behaving like an asshole. Living a life ful of emotional suppression, rationalizations, intellectualizing everything, and lack of self-esteem, and trying to survive with drugs, porn, masturbation, cheating, and lies.
    It is unquestionable that I have taken large steps with giving up all the substances as well as starting doing sports, meditation, and having a healthy relationship along with good friendships. Nevertheless, whatever day of my reboot I am, I just feel that I'm not doing it right. I can feel that however strongly I'm tring, I'm cheating, cheating myself with always exploiting loopholes.

    I just read today in Noah Church's book that addicts like me may need half year of abstinence from fantasizing, masturbation and everything (so I'm at day zero) for a successful reboot. I just don't know when I will be mature and strong enough to finally start it. I mean I am sure that all the things I have achieved in the past weeks, months, and year are great things that have a beneficial impact on my relationships, self-esteem, nervous system, even to my sex life. Nevertheless, my body would need a million times more than that to heal after the 40,000 cock beatings it had to endure between the ages of 5 and 30.

    If normally it would need 6 months, than how much time does it need if I automatically start fantasizing when I close my eyes? How much more does it need considering the fact that I still cannot completely abstain from touching my dick when I feel tired, stressed, or sad? How much more given that I'm taking both an anti-depressant and sleeping pills?

    Obviously, I have no other route than this one. I find porn disgusting and the most harmful drug on earth. I don't want to use it anymore. I want a life without fantasizing and without masturbation. I probably want life without alcohol as it is the second most harmful drug on earth. I would like to do drugs in the future both with friends and it may be a nice way of meeting new people. To be honest, it would make my life here way easier, it would be a nice way of making new friendships. However, I won't do it, on the one hand, becaue I'm taking medication, on the other, and more importantly, because of fear of relapse. But the real problem is not this: I find it extremely challenging to stay sober (at least when I'm in my home country). The problem is that without believing that I will overcome it in the near future, this journey is even more difficult. Sincerely, I cannot believe that two years from now I will be healed if I go on like this. Furthermore, I cannot believe that I can do better like I do it now, that I can really abstain from everyhing, especially without medication.

    I think I suffer from a severe and pathological body dysmorphic disorder and I just cannot overcome it. I have always found my penis too thin and this led me to start abusing my body, that, in turn, ruined my soul, my self-image, my relationships, my opportunities, my life. Even if I'm an attactive person, I can't stop thinking of having another body. I might free myself from P, from M, but I cannot get rid of shame, of the sense of injustice, and of envy. It is just the objective, material reality, hence these emotions are realistic. Nevertheless, right now I cannot do anything just keep on rewiring my brain. Trying to believe that things will change and that I will be able to accept those things that cannot be changed. I will focus on developing the other parts of my body, raising my inner values, and we will see. Beating this addiction will teach me something, just as I learnt, for instance, from quitting smoking as well - if nothing else, I learnt that I can do it. I will succeed in this one as well, and even if it won't solve the problem that got me started abusing my body, at least I won't push myself deeper into the muck and shit.
     
  12. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    You've done a tremendous job on yourself and I'm sure you'll keep doing it!

    Maybe not "self medication", in my case, ore like changing stuff as I go - played a little with the T/E balance, quit some heart pills which were doing me more bad than good, and modifying dosages relative to doctors' prescriptions (other hormonal stuff).

    Nope, I'm not on gear, LOL.
     
  13. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    I'm not on the right track... I had quite busy days as I had to read a lot for a course and I was also teaching. There is a really hot girl in my class, and thinks she likes me too, but her fb suggests that she also has someone else. It's the second such a case in a month (but the other girl has a bf, too. Anyways, my gf is coming tomorrow, and hopefully, we will have nice O and E free love-session. I'll be soon over 80 days with respect to P, 50 das without reease and 40 days without O.
    I also have some physical weeknesses6illnesses, my eyes started to itch and it's been getting worse, I hope it won't be some serious stye. My wrist also hurts , probably due to too much weightlifting/handgrip.
    I just haven't had time/energy to meditate for 2 days, tomorrow this must be the first thing of my day.
    In the past days, I tried not to use my sleeping pills, but I couldn't sleep, started to F, to touch myself, it was horrible. So I will be taking these fucking pills for 90 days, and after that, I will see. If I will be hooked on BNZ that's still better than fantasizing all night. The question is that when I start decreasing the dose, will it come back or not?
    So I'm not doing well with my daily activities and even though I told it to my gf, her visits are usually not the ones when I'm excelling in this regard (instead, I spend time with her). I really want a stronger slip, though, than what I had in the past week(s), so I need to get back to my system (yes, work should be voted out of my life, at least for the first year of recovery).
     
  14. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Take care, man!
     
  15. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Almost two weeks of silence - there is a reason for it. I had a series of relapses, although not with P. My gf was here 2 weeks ago for 6 days and I couldn't resist. We had sex (with ED pill that she isn't aware of), but I couldn't resist cumming. Actually twice in 3 days, furthermore, I MOE'd two days ago as a result of the mix of my sadness of failing, my increasing stress level and lack of sleep due to the too many tasks I had, and the chasing effect. Moreover, since she was here, I couldn't be active with respect to my daily routines (weightlifting, meditation, kegel, stretches, journaling...). The main problem is my PE that I thought disappeared due to the antidepressant, but actually did not. It might also be that the 50 days of not cumming has an impact on the sensitivity of my dick, but I can feel that it's all in my head. I could feel that my nervous system was begging for me for sex, for an orgasm, for ejaculation. It is fucking horrible. I'm actually suffering like hell, I am not even close to flatline and I'm ot sure why. Due to the pills? I don't think so, I have never had a flatline in my previous streaks either. Maybe because I cannot stop fantasizing so these neural pathways never stop being on fire? It's more probable. I have to be really strict with myself with the sleeping pills, I really have to take them every fucking night for 90 days so that I never start fantasizing before falling asleep, only get a blackout and that's it.
    In the past days, I build back up my daily routines, on each day. I will also try to minimize my duties (I took an extra class at uni, but probably I will drop it and focus only on the compulsory stuff), because not only work, but also studies must get a lower priority than my mental health. I am not totally disappointed, but I feel that I lost some enthusiasm and energy somewhere in the past weeks and it came with a strong desire to release my sperm even though I enjoyed having this long streak. It obviousy . I stopped listening to these annoying and pretty stupid videos of Mark Queppet, JK Emezi, and other couches and I was listening to more interesting/useful vids (both about politics/society and about my profession). I just felt them too boring and irritating, but I gotta find a balance between the two types of content to have things that cater both my addict and my curious side. In other words, to have something that repeats the oversimplifying bt still useful thoughts subliminally that keep me from relapsing and to have some other stuff that keeps me from realizing how repetitive and dumb they are :D
    I have several things to do now. First, I have to talk to my gf about the 100% abstinence - even though I have tried it so many times and this time I was the one who initiated it. Second, I have to stop myself from thinking about cumming. It just pops into my mind several times a day, especially while I'm teaching (sexy girls), but also while trying to fall asleep. In general, I have to stop sexualizing everything; it's something easy to write about but I have no clue how I can stop my brain from thinking about it. I would say that I had fewer fantasies in the past 90 days than now, but that was still a lot. Third, I had to write here every day. At least something.

    Last but not least, today is day 90 of my not-successful rewiring. What I have done in these 90 days? Let's start with the vice :D
    I had 11 ejaculations, 14 orgasms, but only 6 of them were due to masturbation. To be honest, before I counted it, I expected something nicer This is fucking lame... :mad:
    Anyways, some good news: I took 83 cold showers, I meditated 81 times, and worked out 46 times (I had a foot injurz at the beginning). Moreover, I was doing Duolingo a lot (I didn't count).
    Today is day zero of my second 90-days round. As a new form of rewiring task, I have to write here every day (at least at the beginning). And my main goal is to start my de-sexualizing career, first by stopping checking out girls, and second, eradicating the pre-bed fantasizing by sleeping pill. I have no better idea.
     
  16. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 1 without M
    Day 3 without O
    Day 5 without E
    Day 21 without any imagery
    Day 91 of no P

    So this is the first day of my second cycle or whatever it is. Last night, I managed to chase away the fantasies after one second basically. In this first period I have no other choice than to rely on my willpower and on my sleeping pill; after a couple of months, this fantasy - falling asleep link will be, at least partly, extinct.
    This morning I started to wake up early (6 AM) despite being really tired - I believe it strengthens my "willpower muscle"; I just have to pay attention on falling asleep early, because being exhausted has a direct link to masturbation and an indirect one through depression, so sleeping hygiene really has to be addressed from two points (falling asleep early as well as early waking up). I woke up twice that I remember. In the second one, my mouth was extremely dry (it often happens while I'm sleeping) so I ate an apple, but in the first occasion, I woke up from a strange dream. It was sort of a nightmare. I was trying to walk in a huge, moving complex (like a city-sized 3-D labyrinth that was going as fast as a subway) and at a certain point I couldn't keep on going because otherwise, I would have fallen.I stopped then, and there was a small group of people, who started to talk, and after a while, I realized that they are part of a group who do psychodrama therapy together. I tried to join the conversation, more precisely, I wanted to join, but couldn't. I felt pretty much an outsider. Nothing horrible happened, I just didn't feel well, I didn't feel socially competent, maybe I didn't feel safe or accepted? Anyways, this sort of social anxiety is obviously not unusual in my real life either.
    After waking up, I did my meditation session, and it didn't go so badly, but not perfectly either. I would say that my intrusive anger related to a friend who betrayed me years ago and it's still not processed was not as strong as it is usually. I also felt some frustration regarding my the clash between trying to grow intellectually by taking a course I'm really interested in and trying to get out of this addiction that requires like 6 hours a day (work-out, meditation, journaling, reading other journals, kegels, stretches, ...). Nevertheless, I also had some positive emotions, some mix of happiness, love, and pride related to a friend: I was happy that he shares personal stuff with me and I felt that my response can be helpful.

    This second cycle ends just as this disgusting winter period ends. What I want is
    - keep on with my daily work-out routine
    - get back to the daily two meditations
    - write something here every single day
    - stop checking out girls forever
    - stop fantasizing and edging forever
     
  17. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Under the shower my brain is still in auto-pilot and I start FM-ing easily. It just happened 3 times now, I stopped after 5-6 seconds for each. I used to always have a chewing gum in my mouth while taking a shower that reminded me not to start M'ing; although this technique didn't work perfectly, I will try again.
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2021
  18. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Yesterday, after my workout, I relapsed again to edging. I started it 3 times, stopped after 15-20 secs, but now, before going to take a shower, I decided to write about it to make this issue salient in my brain. I will also start chewing gum and listen to something to form artificial anti-edging cues.
    Today, I couldn't wake up; I slept around 10 hours. I think my sleeping cocktail is too strong. I use only a quarter of a prescription sleeping pill and I mix it with two over-the-counter amino acids, l-theanine & glycine. Thus, I will decrease the amount of glycine, first, and see how it goes. Nevertheless, yesterday morning I could wake up at 6, but I went to sleep around midnight, whereas the day before yesterday, I was sleeping already around 10. Hence, I don't know if today I was sleeping so much because I didn't sleep enough yesterday or because i didn't go to bed in time (it's funny that 2-3 months ago both 10 and midnight would have been extremely early times to go to sleep :D). In sum, my goal is to go to bed between 10 and 11, which can work only if I do all my self-care activities in the morning (when I leave them to the evening, I always run out of time). Which is already a failure for today as I gotta be at work in an hour...
    Sleeping is really a central issue, I should go to some sort of somnologist/sleeping specialist (a place where I have to sleep and they check my brain with MRI or something) to have a more detailed insight into my brain chemistry. Nevertheless, I haven't been able to go to the SLAA group, I should also o for an x-ray with my ankle because I hurt it 3 months ago (I have been postponing it for a month) and I have had pain in my wrist for 2 weeks now (it may be tendonitis or I don't know). Moreover, I should look for another therapist, either one who is specialized on P addiction, or one specialized on body dysmorphic disorder. So goals for the second cycle so far:

    - keep on with my daily work-out routine
    - get back to the daily two meditations
    - write something here every single day
    - stop fantasizing and edging
    - chewing gum, music, and other stuff under shower that prevent me from starting edging and fantasizing
    - go to sleep between 10 and 11
    - reduce the amount of my sleeping cocktail
    - look for some sleeping specialist
    - stop checking out girls
    - go to an x-ray with my ankle and with my wrist
    - look for a therapist
    - go to SLAA
     
  19. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    New day, new way :)
    New bullet point: I will try to note down how much I slept on a given day and will try keeping a 3-day average at min. 8 hours. Yesterday, I slept 10 hours (although I woke up several times).
    So yesterday was almost an entirely clean day, I didn't touch my dick under the shower (even though I took shower twice), but before falling asleep (with the reduced amount of sleep-inducing brew it was tougher) I engaged in some F'ing. I could drive my brain out of it though, after 2-3 minutes I would say, and finally, I fell asleep.
    I went to sleep at 10:45 PM, I might have spent 45 minutes trying (probably less), and woke up at 5:30, so today I slept 6 hours. Tomorrow, I gotta sleep 8 hours!
    Yesterday, I also managed to have a second meditation session, before going to bed. It didn't go that well, but it will improve and I will reach similar levels as I had a couple of months ago.

    Yesterday, while reading one of the journals in Noah Church's book, I decided to get into a new habit called 'doing hard things'. Even though these tasks won't sound hard, they are (for me) as I feel overwhelmed with my basic duties (like work and self-care activities) because of procrastinating as well as having many self-care tasks. Therefore, I will accomplish at least one hard thing every day, or at least aim to do so. Today, I have to go to the hospital for an x-ray (my ankle, but try to get one for my wrist as well). In the next days, I will have to look up therapists, which will be a real hard thing :D

    Hence, my new list:
    - keep on with my daily work-out routine
    - get back to the daily two meditations
    - write something here every single day
    - stop fantasizing and edging
    - chewing gum, music, and other stuff under the shower that prevents me from starting edging and fantasizing
    - go to sleep between 10 and 11
    - reduce the amount of my sleeping cocktail
    - track how much I (tried to) sleep every day
    - doing hard things every day
    - look for some sleeping specialist
    - stop checking out girls
    - go to an x-ray with my ankle and with my wrist
    - look for a therapist
    - go to SLAA
     
  20. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    This day starts quite horribly, I fall asleep yesterday at 9PM (without any sleep enhancers) because I was super exhausted. Hence, neither did I my pelvic stretches & kegels nor the second meditation. Moreover, I woke up due to a bad dream and my sleep quality was pretty low all over the night. Again, it wasn't a nightmare, it was rather annoying; my bike was in the bike parking lot and when I wanted to pick it up to go home, I realized that someone broke its back part. When I went back to look for the person who did it, I didn't find anyone so decided to go home, but then I saw that in the meantime someone (the same person) broke the breaks as well that were hovering lifelessly from the handlebar. I was getting pretty angry and it happened 2-3 times with different bike parts before I woke up. But even after falling back asleep, I woke up many times and finally could get out from bed only around 8... so today I "slept" 11 hours.
    The good part is that yesterday I did my "hard thing" and went to the hospital (never been to any in this country) and had my x-ray. Unfortunately, they didn't do one for my wrist, but I will go to my GP next week to have a look on my x-ray and get a reference for another one. Today, I didn't/won't do any work-out and probably tomorrow will do only on my abs & back to spare my wrist.
    My hard thing today is to call the tax authority as I got a fine and I think it's possible to reduce it. Today I also want to call my GP for an appointment next week, order a table for my flat, but I also have to write a proposal by midnight and have a meeting at 3PM. Plus, I have to do my stretches & kegels. And it's already 10 AM.
    But before I start stressing out. Yesterday was my first really clean day without any edging and fantasizing (every time my brain started to go down that way, I stopped it). So even if I can't accomplish all the tasks for today, I already accomplished something big yesterday :cool:

    Just to not forget:
    - keep on with my daily work-out routine
    - get back to the daily two meditations
    - write something here every single day
    - stop fantasizing and edging
    - chewing gum, music, and other stuff under the shower that prevents me from starting edging and fantasizing
    - go to sleep between 10 and 11
    - reduce the amount of my sleeping cocktail
    - track how much I (tried to) sleep every day
    - doing hard things every day
    - look for some sleeping specialist
    - stop checking out girls
    - go to an x-ray with my ankle ☑
    - go to an x-ray with my wrist
    - look for a therapist
    - go to SLAA
     

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