I'm back again, but this time I'm gonna win

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Newwaynewlife, Nov 1, 2020.

  1. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Hope you'll be back soon. Hang in there, this is not how your story ends.

    You have all my respect, along with all those that refuse to bend the knee.
    Newwaynewlife and -Luke- like this.
  2. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    @CleanBootsBaby! I am back!!! Thank you for the support.
    I'm over the first week. The turning point was actually dropping my smartphone and buying a new, half-dumb one with small screen. In the last weeks, my binges ranged between 2 to 8 hours, usually twice a day.
    Six days ago, I moved back to the country where my university is, my gf came with me for 2 weeks, I started a job there, I met some new nice people, the weather is beautiful, the only bad thing is that I hit my ankle and now I use crutches and cannot do any sports. Moreover, can't even do many of my daily tasks.
    I haven't slept for 3 days, not even a single minute (the so-called withdrawal). It's quite problematic as I didn't sleep much in the past months either due to my speed&coke abuse, but let's hope for better. One I can sleep like 60-70 hours in a week, I will start taking my meds. And hopefully, in 2-3 weeks, my new therapy starts as well.
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  3. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Happy for you, buddy! Except for the ankle and lack of sleep (this can be horrendous...I know!) you seem to be living the life. Maybe having such strong withdrawals will motivate you going further - like: "That's it, never again!" :)
  4. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 10, I think.

    Today I had some "fun time" (actually quite the opposite); checking gals on fb and M'ing. Luckily my gf woke up and I stopped after 9-10 mins. I had to register it here. The main problem might have been is that I woke up for a raging erection (I even started to masturbate then, but that wasn1t more than 10 mins either by my gf came back from the bathroom - I almost forgot about that). However, this is a sort of trigger I can detect, but even if I get up and do pushups or go out for a walk, my hornyness stays for the entire day, I guess. Or maybe physical activity (that I cannot do rn with my ankle) decreases my "libido"?
    The major drawback of my gf being here is that I must adapt to her lifestyle as well (normally I won't use laptop at home, but now that we are short on time all the time, I do). At the same time, the clear advantage of her stay is that I have no time to indulge in my disgusting habits... Anyways, I cannot rely on her, so I'm listening to DBT/REBT-related relapse prevention vids as well as JK's (quite dumb, but probably still useful) videos.
    Today, I was thinking about my gf leaving in a couple of days and that being alone will hit me a lot. Nevertheless, I will try to spend the most time at the uni/work, SLAA meetings, movie nights, and when I'm at home, no laptop, only daily activities and listening to vids/podcasts on my dumbphone :D
    I'm thinking about starting to take my NDRI medicine tomorrow, so if there's any serious side effect, my gf can still help me in the first days. Thus, I will now read about emotional/cognitive journaling and start my journal tomorrow.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  5. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Yesterday I M'd till O and today we had some "sex" with my gf (rather jerked off my 60% erect dick while she was playing with herself and with my balls) and I E'd. This is the last time I don't count them as relapse. On the one hand, strong morning woods make my life difficult; I really need a coping strategy for this (get up right away and do 10 pushups or something like that). On the other, sex is fine (although I should spend at least a couple of weeks without O and E), but without touching myself (e.g. I don't think I could have even a 60% with her doing it). Actually, I really love her, but now I feel that it will help when she leaves. To be more precise, it helps if she leaves and I do not fantasize or M, but as soon as I start, I get up and leave the situation.
    But to say something positive as well: in the past days, I talked to her again about my P addiction; she knew something about it, but now I just made it more salient and I explained, that although it's covert, this is my primary addition, and drug (ab)use is partly a consequence of my P addiction. Furthermore, a couple of weeks ago, I talked to my father about my P addiction, as well. It makes our relationship even stronger and having one more person who is aware of my misery may help me a lot in beating this addiction.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Best of luck in your battle! I come from a history of sustance abuse as well. Hope you’ll find freedom from it as well! But I believe you’re strong enough to do it!

    In terms of feeling horny all day: what helps me is something Mark Queppet describes as: “truthful self-talk” he has a video about it on youtube and it’s a great way to deal with it. What it basically boils down to is: your emotions don’t really know how to communicate so they just ask for their feel-good mechanism (a craving) Our conscious mind can then engage in a strict but compassionate conversation with the emotional part of our brain and ask why it wants that. Probably it will feel like ‘but I’m so lonely’ or ‘I’m so bored’ or ‘I’m so tired’ or ‘Im so frustrated about what this person said’ etc. And then you can fix that thing your emotional self actually needs without giving in to the drugs or PMO. I highly recommend his video on it since he’s better at explaining it haha.

    Best of luck!
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  7. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Short check-in - so @BoughtWithBlood, I will answer to you later, but thank you in advance for your recommendation!
    Today was nice even though I slept only 3-4 hours. I did my duties, I had some minor achievements in work and I socialized quite a lot (here focus is rather on quality than quantity :D ). Nevertheless, I met a gal in class and I think there's quite some chemistry between us - I have to talk about it to my gf soon.
    I also started to take medication yesterday and I can already feel it's effects (like a slight coke/amph rush). I really hope that it will help; if not, I can still switch or discontinue it. Next week I'm also starting the therapy.
    Problem to be solved: I can't help myself staring at sexy gorls on the street/supermarket/... I feel that it's easier to address than fantasies (aka not impossible to avoid it), so I'm gonna focus on it in the next days & weeks.
    Best of luck to everyone!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  8. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Hi folks!
    Today is my day 18 without P, day 7 without MO, but in the past 18 days I E'd 4 times (with my gf). I think that I won't treat M/O relapses as real relapses; my aim is principally to have 140 days without P. I will rather try to write down all the pre-relapse steps to detect my triggers. I believe that counting in itself has way less meaning as it feels, but it can empower me. Hence, I will count the number of P use (hopefully zero), M (I haven't done it in these first days, but I do a bit almost every day), O and E.
    I feel quite okay apart from my ankle. it doesn't hurt, but I cannot jog, so I need some other type of sport that doesn't put a strain on my ankle. I found some swimming pools around, but it is a greater effort than just put on my shoes and go to run. I will also restart weightlifting, but I cannot do anything on my legs and that sucks. Anyways, resilience is the key :p
    I am still checking out women, but I remind myself all the time that I shouldn't. Nevertheless, most of the time, I cannot resist. Similarly, I still fantasize when I go to sleep, yesterday I also started to M, but I stopped. Being tired helps a lot avoid these situations, and luckily, I found a nice sleeping tea (hence, I don't need Xanax or anything else). I am also bringing my bedtime a bit earlier each day. Today 11 PM is the most realistic; I thought it would go more smoothly, but I have to accept the slower pace.
    I just sent a message to the SLAA group, tomorrow is their next meeting. I hope they will answer and that I will have the courage to go. Furthermore, I'm starting a new therapy next Friday. I will start my emotion journals today, I hope it will be easy.
    @BoughtWithBlood , I still haven't listen to the video (not that simple as I don't use my laptop at home and I have no smartphone), but I will do it today and tell you my opinion :)

    Good luck to everyone with the fight!
    Shady likes this.
  9. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    @BoughtWithBlood , can you please link the video you're talking about?
    Btw, thank you for this Queppet guy, he is way better than most of the P couches on the internet.

    Despite going to bed relatively early, I slept quite badly as my neighbors probably broke up as the girl cheated on the guy or something like this so they were yelling for an hour between 2-3 AM. Otherwise, I started emotional journaling today; it's pretty rudimentary, but as I will read myself into the topic and work on it.
    I will also try to fix my posture when I notice I'm bow-backed and also relax my muscles when I spot that I'm clenching my teeth or something like that. I also started meditating twice daily.
    My new quest to avoid M'ing under the shower is listening to P couches while showering. It may remind me not to start it. The other dangerous terrain is the bed, obviously. The morning erections, now, I address with jelquing - it's sort of M'ing, but at least beneficial. With the night fantasizing, I don't know what to do beyond drinking a lot of tranquilizing tea and sleep as soon as I can.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  10. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Today, I had a slip. Yesterday, I felt sick and I've been feeling tired all week bc I couldn't sleep (once due to my neighbors, the other time, I guess, I just had P withdrawal). I felt also quite angry with a person who has been behaving in a really disgusting way with me, moreover, an ex-lover of mine who has beautiful huge boobs, basically posted them on fb... So I had quite some triggers, and I slipped. Hence, the first three weeks:
    0 P
    5 E's, but only
    1 M till E and
    2 M's until O.

    It's gonna be better. E.g. I won't spend that much time with my gf, and I will also tell her not to have sex in the first couple of weeks, and then I need to get used to focus only on her and retain my O for another couple of weeks.

    @BoughtWithBlood , I cannot thank enough for Queppet. I still couldn't find the video you talked about, but another video of him heps me to stop checking out girls all the time. I think, I will also pay for his Reforged Man (it's something I couldn never imagine before :D)

    I planned this semester pretty shill, but I'm already involved in too many projects and my job seems to be more difficult than I expected. My sleeping patterns are already horrible, but luckily I'm starting the new therapy in 2 days, and the SLAA group also replied to me and I can go. But tomorrow and the day after that, I have a horrible amount of tasks to do, I don't even know when I will sleep... I hope there will be no serious relapse
  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    It was thanks to @Rudolf Geyse I found out about him.

    the video is called truthful-selftalk it’s in the same SSM playlist. Don’t have YT on my phone so can’t link it. But that whole series is great.
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  12. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

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