I'm back again, but this time I'm gonna win

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Newwaynewlife, Nov 1, 2020.

  1. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 0 cont'd.
    I continued watching P until I M'd. Then I stopped and tried to sleep. However, couldn't, I started F-ing then M-ing and finally I MOE'd. Now my gf is here, I took some ED medication and I will try to fuck her.
     
  2. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 1.
    Yesterday, after having a phenomenal orgasm to porn, I felt that my libido is gone. Nevertheless, I took a blue pill and we had sex under the stars. Only oral, and I felt that I will cum soon, but eventually, I could calm myself down a bit. Eventually, I asked her to give me a prostate massage and I had a nice orgasm. Today, I didn't have much urge to watch P. Today probably I will take some pill and have sex again. I really feel that my libido, my PE, my anxieties, my shame, and most of the misery in my life is related to P and M. Nevertheless, its main source is my body image disorder that is rooted in my penis size... and it's something I cannot cope with in a problem-focused way, only in an emotion-focused one. I don't know how to accept my body, but I am sure that as long as I watch P, it won't ease, just strengthen.
    Yesterday, I also took some M and amph, so I didn't sleep well again (probably also due to watching P), and today I couldn't work a lot. Moreover, I haven't been really active with my self-care activities, but hopefully before going to sleep, I can do them. The next SLAA is on Saturday, so I'm planning to go back to the city and go there. I hope I can do it. I am 33 yers-old, I cannot waste my time anymore.
     
  3. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 1.
    My previous post disappeared (or maybe my previous two?!). So yesterday I couldn't stop myself, I PMO'd without ejaculation, then I decided to go to sleep but I couldn't; I started to fantasize and M, and finally, I MOE'd. Nevertheless, I couldn't sleep after that either. Furthermore, porn and ejaculation sucked out all my libido. I took a blue pill and had oral sex under the stars with my gf. When she started to suck my dick, I felt that I would PE, but I didn't, but eventually, I asked her to massage my prostate a bit and I came. It was almost as good as with M after watching P... And it is sad that I only chase the immediate dopamine & endorphin rush (premature E) instead of enjoying having sex.
    I really have to leave P and fantasizing behind myself, but my distorted body image doesn't let me to do so. I cannot cope with it in a problem-focused way (I cannot change my endowment), so I need to find an emotion-focused one: acceptance, I must accept myself. But how?
    But to stop whining about myself: I have a behav tracker that I've been using for 5 months now (only with 2 weeks pause). It has 10 different self-care activities, and today was the first day that I accomplished all 10 :)
     
  4. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Okay, nothing disappeared, so sorry for the redundancies :)
     
  5. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 2.
    Last night I couldn't sleep either. I woke up early with my gf and started the day with meditation and planking. Then I started working on a presentation for today. I snorted my last line of amph, so I decided to come back to the city to buy some stuff. I didn't admit it to my gf. I feel that I'm sinking in another addition while I couldn't come out of P & M addiction.
    Today, I have been quite good with my daily tasks, but for one of them (jelquing), I watched some sexy youtube/twitch vids. I should block twitch and make my youtube filter stricter. Furthermore, I should replace jelquing with something else.
    Eventually, I didn't present (but for next week, I will have a pretty nice one) and met a friend after 1.5 years (we don't live in the sme country). Both of us were pretty tired and he got drunk at the end (I drank alcohol-free beers). It was a bit of a disappointment, but next time is gonna be better. I feel that he's a workaholic and is becoming a bit dull and conformist, and he's gonna have a burn-out.
    My bro also wanna talk to me, I feel that he is afraid of me, but at the same time he initiates that is much better than previously.
    Tomorrow, my gf wants to go back to the "weekend house" so probably I cannot go to the SLAA meeting this week. I just can't tell her that I wanna choose this P withdrawal session instead of going with her, after her overwhelming week, to the countryside. She doesn't even know how strong my P (and drug) addiction is. This month, I will give up sweets, this seems the next achievable step.
    I hope you all feel great. I feel really uncertain.
     
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  6. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    day 3
    Yesterday I met a friend and after that I did my daily self-care activities. I was awake till like 3.15 AM waiting for my bro wo is super-depressed again, but I fell asleep before he got home. I woke up 6 hours later for the call of a friend, so I didn't sleep much. I started the day with reading some news a huge line of speed and jelquing - again for sex vids on yt. This time I dry O'd, but I decided not to reset my counter (I felt that my retention technique was perf this time :D ). After that I did some planking, cold shower, took a tiny bit og mdma, and I met him. We spent really nice time, honest, profound talk. Subsequently, I went ome and took some coke, I met my gf, I talked to my bro who is helpless, and we left with my gf back to the weekend house. We went jogging, I took some more coke, a Viagra, and we had sex. I feel that my PE is getting better (but it's still pretty strong during penetrative sex). Finally, we meditated together, so today, for the second time, I completed all 10 self-care tasks!!!
    All in all, I have pretty mixed emotions: on the one hand, I am concerned about my drug-addiction and the fact that I cannot talk about it with my gf and also about not being able to jelq without visual stimulatoin (I feel that jelquing improves my erection quality, but probably I must erase it from my self-care list). On the other hand, I feel that I have a supporting "social network" (I hate this term, let's call them group of friends) with strong ties and I'm also proud of my performance regarding my daily activities. Even though I won't go tomorrow to the SLAA, I may have completed a 7-day meditation streak.
    In sum, I feel better than yesterday. I hope you too :)
     
  7. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 4 is over.
    I spent almost the entire day with no drugs, at the end of it I snorted a bit of amph. In the morning, I was really irritated, but I think not because of withdrawal, but because my gf was pretty irritating. I mean she was picking a quarrel and I felt that she disagreed just to have a different opinion than what I have , sort of to distinguish herself from me, but she had no arguments. I know that if I were okay with myself, I could react to it in an agreeable way, but this time she was just tiresome. We had no quarrel or anything, though.
    We spent some time in the garden under the sun, in the afternoon we went to the beach and after that to the city next to us. I was thinking about drugs all the time and when I mentioned it she didn't want to take anything with me. So I took a bit when we got home and she went to take a shower.
    We cleaned the house because tomorrow we're going back home. Next week, I'm gonna meet a friend every day, but I should also work and prepare to some projects in Setember. My August is gonna be really busy - it is deeply worrying, I hate stress and it has a really bad influence on my P & M addiction.
    Nevertheless, I performed well on my daily routine today as well, and I achieved a record in my weekly average ever (since March when I started to track it)
    Today no P, no M, no E, although I F'd and M'd a bit under the shower. My brain needs some time to have the chasing effect worn off. Can't wait to "forget" P.
     
  8. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 6.
    Yesterday I didn't write here. In the morning, We had sex, and I had a raging erection without a blue pill (it may have been the aftereffect of the one I had taken 2 days before. As I didn't take either ED pills or muscle relaxants, I came pretty early. I also ook some mdma in secret, and I talked to her a bit about my problems with P and M. It is a tiny step ahead. Nevertheless, I didn't admit that I'm taking drugs every day. After that we spent a nice last afternoon of our holiday on the beach where we accidentally met an acquaintance, we had a pizza, and finally, we came home. After that she went home and I took some coke and met two friends with whom we also had a really fun and nice time. Around 2 AM I came home to work a bit and send some emails I should have sent weeks before. I fall asleep in the morning and I cheated a bit as I didn't meditate yesterday, but this morning, when I woke up, it was my first thing to do. I felt that setting back my meditation counter to zero would be demotivating and this small cheat allows me to accomplish my seven-day streak tonight :)
    Today I had some medical stuff to do in the morning and after that I slept a bit more. Hence, this evening I still have a lot of things to do.
    I don't have P cravings, yesterday I did jelquing while watching sexy girls on fb, though. Today, I did it with only F-ing. I will do it without pics in the upcoming days and will think about an alternative to F as well (I may start taking horny goat weed). I also M'd bit under the shower yesterday - it is gonna be thin ice in the future, too.
    I hope that uni starting in fall won't be that stressful and that by that time I will have incorporated meditation and all the MORNING routines into my daily life.
     
  9. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    First week without PMO is done!
    I E'd twice when having sex with my gf, and I had two further dry O's during jelquing.
    Also, I have meditated seven times in the past seven days.
    Today I jelqued without any visual stimulation.
    Nevertheless, I have taken quite some amph&coke; tomorrow, I will try to take only one line in the morning before work (and probably I will have some mdma in the evening with friends), will try to be drug-free on Thursday throughout the entire day (maybe in the evening I will take something bc I'm gonna meet another friend), and Friday the entire day without amph/coke/mdma. Let's see how it goes.
    I haven't gone to the SLAA today, tomorrow will have to work as well, so Saturday is my last resort. I'm worried that I won't be able to go again when the fourth wave hits...
    I'm gonna have one of my last sessions with my therapist partly because in September, I will change countries and I will start an Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy there. I also feel that I'm not satisfied with my current one. This Friday I will try to talk about the therapy itself, not about my problems directly. I'm curious, for instance, what he believes we did in the past 10 months.
    Today I also met a friend with whom our relationship isn'T the best, but I cannot tell what the problem is. He's on the right track in terms of taking less drugs&alcohol, being devoted in his relationship, spending more time in Nature, and so on. but he's really materialistic and sometimes I feel that he discover things long years after I discover them I tell him my opinion. I also feel that when he needs me or any of his friends (usually when he is single) he reaches us out a bit pushingly but when he has a gf, he does everything for her. Of course, his narrative may be different. Nevertheless, I couldn't really tell him my problems (namely that we are distant), but I shouldn't take it that seriously. I will tell him when I have the right wording for it.

    All in all, I consider my progress in my P addiction quite considerable while I'm going downhill in my drug addiction. I feel relatively safe socially but not competent enough in one of my jobs. I'm doing great with my daily routines, but I should move all of them to the morning. Finally, I'm afraid that all my progress will be vanished in September when the 'university & working & being abroad alone' bomb explodes.
     
  10. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Second week!
    This morning I meditated, took some stimulants and during the day I had my work done for the presentation in the evening. I took a second line before the presentation, it went well, and after that I met two close friends. They were drinking wine &shots and I drank only lcohol free beer, and didn't take anything. So I took one line more, but I didn't take mdma, so it's not that bad. Nevertheless, it's 3.30 am and tomorrow I'm gonna meet my first gf in the morning. Therefore, I'll have to take something, especially if I wanna do my daily routine tonight...
    I M'd tiny bit in the morning but stopped soon. I have no P cravings, and today I also didn't view any sexy girl pic on fb/YT. In general, I'm quite okay with myself in terms of shame/guilt/self-esteem and so on. Right now I feel that I'm progressing in my self-awareness, I have good friends who support me, I need to fix my sexual life, mostly my PE, and maybe undergo a penis enlargement operation to have a decent life. It is of course problematic that the end of the world is here, that this fucking consumer capitalism has ruined the planet, and that in the next decade we will be plagued by epidemics, famines, droughts, heatwaves, refugee waves, wars, and fascist politicians. I'll finish my second master's next year and will try to buy land and start learning how to build a house, how to grow vegetables, and so on. I think that only these skills will be valuable for the rest of our life. I really have to forget about thinking on career and status; not only are these things bullshit that prevent people from addressing their real problems, they just don't make any sense anymore.
     
  11. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 8 is over.
    I didn't sleep much, in the morning I met my first gf who has three kids (poor guys, they will see the fall of our civilization before without having a decent life). I took some mdma & amph before that, I felt a bit strange, but at the same time, it was fun. Obviously, it is almost impossible to have normal conversation with her as the kids are yelling & running around, but it was nice. After that, I had a nap, I did some daily activities, and met a not so close friend. He is not really reflected and a bit narcissistic (but at least rather the grandiose than the vulnerable one), but now we are in the same shoes because the same psychotic guy who had abused me 3 years ago (and ever since he's insinuating me behind my back) was an asshole to him as well.
    All sexual activity so far today: I was watching girls on fb while jelquing, but I couldn't reach an erection. Nevertheless, my gf may come here and I think I'll take a blue pill and fuck her.
    I feel good, but I'm still taking quite much drugs.
     
  12. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 11 s over. Meditation streak: 11 days (and I've meditated 13 times in the past 2 weeks), no P, basically no M. I have had quite some sex with my gf in the past days, one with tons of PE medication (1 Viagra nd a quarter of Cialis) and with that, as well as along with a lot of amph, I could long forever. Since then, we have had some nice sessions when I could last, I may have been due to the remnant cialis in my blood.
    Nevertheless, I have snorted so much speed in the past days (, weeks, and months) that I got sick. Today is the first day after long weeks (or months?) without any drug. Moreover, yesterday my gf asked how much drugs I take, I responded that I take a lot, so she asked whether every day, and I said yes. Furthermore, I added that my main issue is P, not drugs, and now I, at least don't use it. I have a drug issue, but being mostly transparent about it will definitely help leave it behind myself. Tomorrow I will also call a psychiatrist about NDRIs.
    I still have a vibrant social life and I'm afraid that when I switch countries in 3 weeks, I will face loneliness and stress at the same time and I will lose everything again. First my self-esteem, then my discipline. I don't know what sort of strategies I should come up with to prevent it...
     
  13. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Second week is almost over.
    I was extremely sick in the past two days bc I snorted way too much stuff with my nose... I skipped 2 days, but today I couldn't do it anymore, so now I'm still awake at 6 am.
    Today, I had some M sessions, not long, but still worrying. Tomorrow, I'm going to a place where I will meet tons of unknown people, and m social anxiety alarm is ringing. Moreover, I won't be able to get proper sleep, so I will have to take drugs for both my anxiety and sleep deprivation. I hope that at least my sickness won't be that bad.
    I wasn't that good with my daily activities while being ill, but I haven't fucked up my meditation streak (16 occasions in August).
    The end of the summer is approaching just as the starting of the next wave of the pandemic. I'm afraid of not being alone, being stressed, but at the same time, I will visit a therapist, and hopefully an SLAA (there is English-speaking meeting in the city where I'm moving to). Moreover, tomorrow, I will talk to a psychiatrist about starting an NDRI medication.
    In the next few days, I probably won't be able to post here, furthermore, I won't be able to do my routines. I hope everything is gonna be alright.
     
  14. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 15.
    Today I watched more than an hour of nude vids on youtube while jelquing & edgeing. Moreover, yesterday, I also watched some and M'd.
    I don't really have an erection for them (it may also be due to my amph consumption).
    Today, I felt somewhat better, but finally didn't go to the camp where I would have been super anxious. Instead, I stayed at home and had some bonding with my bro... and took some drugs. It's pretty worrying that as soon as I don't feel like dying, I take drugs.
    Nevertheless, right now I feel almost healthy, I have meditated 17 times in this month and I almost yearn for it already :) I think I managed to build it in to my daily routine (like I did with handgrip and with cold shower). These little things make me happy.
    Tomorrow, I will set up another layer of video blocker (I already collected some keywords) - jelquing can be part of my daily routine only if I can do it without visual stimulation (especially that in these days I couldn'T do it even with stimulation, haha).
    In two days, we are going to an excursion with friends.

    EDIT:
    I almost forgot, yesterday, when I was doing my jelquing exercise (without images), I had a dry O. Therefore, I will stop it and I will switch to penis pump, at least for a while...
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2021
  15. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 16.
    I'm in a circle of cheating and lying to myself with YT vids. I'm still a bit sick, but couldn't resist taking amph today as well. As a consequence, I have no erection. Yesterday I took 20 mg of Cialis, but it didn't have any effect... Today, I took some ED medication, too, but nothing. I don't know if it's the video or the speed, probably the interaction of both. I just applied a browser-level youtube filtering (I enforced restricted mode), so I won't be able to open many vids that are probably not dangerous to me, but anyways. I just wanna get rid of everything related to pixels representing sexuality.
    Otherwise, I should prepare for work starting in 10 days, but I couldn't, partly due to sickness, partly due to watching vids. I hate myself right now. Hopefully, I will have an erection on viagra in the next few days and after that, I will chill the fuck out (at least with medication I can have) and leave the pills at home (I'm moving in September to another country) and have it off for a month (I should stop taking it for three months at least...)
    Otherwise, meditation is going great, I'm doing some workout (planking + chest press + handgrip) every day, still no alcohol and no smoking. But the fact that I have become resistant to ED drugs and I still cannot stop watching shit is more than worrying.
     
  16. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 0. The second one in 3 days.
    My relapse was slow and gradual, I have been watching sexy girls on fb, vids on yt (I have managed to block the latter one!), and, finally, P. I think that I spent more than three hour, only today, with M-ing. Nevertheless, I never O'd or E'd during these two sessions. At least something. Also, I can have quite strong erections with P as well as with Cialis, so I haven't caused physical harm to my body yet.
    ...
    Another wo hours of P watching. One O, with some drops of E. I'm totally lost...
     
  17. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    I just can't stop. I spent most of the past 24 hours watching P. When I close my eyes, I see images from the videos...
     
  18. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    surived the first 24 hours :D
    Yesterday was fucking horrible, I could see porn scenes even with open eyes, haha. Fuking disgusting. I think I watched for at least 12 hours in the past two days. I even skipped sleeping for PM'ing on speed instead. It's pathetic. I was watching it on a smartphone even while my gf was talking to me. lol.
    Today, I went to a psychiatrist and she prescribed me the medicine I found. She also praised me for having that much knowledge in neuroscience. She encouraged me that after quitting smoking and alcohol, I will succeed with P, too. She also told me that with this addition I don't harm anyone other than myself. She was trying to reduce my shame (an emotion that prevents people from overcoming additions), but I didn't tell her that my shame principally comes from my body image. And I also didn't tell her that P addiction is also related to harming others, but it's obviously more complex than one would think at the first time.
    Based on my past week, I should sleep at least 20 hours now, but I know I won't (I have stuff to do tomorrow). This summer is ending , again, without finishing those things I had planned to finish.
    Anyways, I put faith in this medication. It must help.
     
  19. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    48 hours - done.
    I have been sleepy all week, taking stimulants to be able to function. OTherwise, I'm feeling good, even though I M'd quite a bit this morning without O or E. Otherwise, I'm happy to start taking medication (I will start it in 7-8 days) and abstain from all sorts of drugs (maybe coffee included). I'm thinking about starting taking Kava, horny goat weed, fish oil, alpha-GPC, Gingko, maybe L-Carnitine & ALCAR and keeping on with vitamins (B complex, D, Mg, Zn, ...).
    I really must have a strict daily routine, and I wanna read every day something related to P addiction (I have some books as well as your journals). I'm not going to use my laptop at home, and in general, I won't spend much time at home, only while sleeping, meditating, and doing my kegel, yoga, and other exercises.
    I know that the enthusiasm and confidence I'm feeling now is really fragile and that I feel the same every time I restart the counter. This time is the last one! Haha. Maybe not the last one, but I believe that this past year, this blessed COVID time was crucial in getting rid of some of my addictions and making sure to myself that my friendships are profound and supportive. These first steps along with medication, the new therapy and hopefully with SLAA may be conducive to finally liberate my sexuality.
     
  20. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 0 again.
    Yesterday I was full of hope, but eventually, while doing my exercises, I opened Insta, Twitter... and I binged P for hours resulting in a PMOE. And this morning again... I haven't E'd for P for ages (last time was a month ago).
    I used to use a non-smartphone, but it broke a month ago. Since then, I have had a really old smartphone on which I cannot install any app, hence, there is no P blocker on it, either. I bought a new "dumb phone", but I have to return it and buy the same one as I had previously.
    For the future: I really have to do all my daily routines (meditation, exercises, cold shower...) in the morning. Yesterday, the main problem was that I wanted to stay up to finish all my duties, but eventually, I ended up watching P for long hours, and didn't sleep enough again.
    So tomorrow I must return the old phone and buy the new one, and get rid of smart phone forever.
    In the future, I have to wake up early and go to bed early (this is gonna be the most difficult aspect of my "new life".
    Today, I acomplished all 10 types of daily routines; I hope, in the future it is going to be the "new normal".
     

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