I'm back again, but this time I'm gonna win

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Newwaynewlife, Nov 1, 2020.

  1. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 4 is over.
    Yesterday I had a nice conversation with my brother before going to sleep (till like 2.30 am), I finished the last bottle of wine, and my sleep quality was horrible (obviously). Now I feel strong enough to stop drinking for a while.
    I'm also quite horny, and my gf is here, too. She is on her period, but we could have a nice anal, omg, as I'm typing it I just feel my dopamine & adrenaline levels rising. I also have some cialis in my closet, it would be amazing, but at the same time, it would start me on the bumpy road of chasing effect... I don't think that I could resist cumming (especially that I have strong PE issues). Tough decision, the best is probably to extend my celibacy with at least a couple of days (the best would be 30 days hard mode with 30 days alcohol abstinence), but I don't know how my willpower will help me. Willpower is something I shouldn't rely on too much, bc I should introduce alternative coping mechanisms instead. Using my willpower means suppressing the desire to escape, to fantasize, to watch P, to M and E...
    I just checked my behavior tracker now, and I just realized that in April and May I was jerking off so much (I ejaculated 32 times and only 11 was related to my gf) that I'm surprised that I don't have otitis and my hair is nor falling out. But what I'm even more surprised (no, actually, I'm not) is the contrast between my fapping habits now and my resistance to E-ing for 20-30-40 days less than a year ago. It shows how pointless it is to be abstinent instead of finding new gratifications (or just feel real disgust towards P).

    Btw, while writing this post I am also working in coding and I just deleted accidentally a chunk of code. I instantly got a neurotic "seizure" and while I was raging, I dumped the rest of my amphetamine that was on my table. Life is cruel but fair :D
     
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  2. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 6 is over. What happened since last time?
    First, we had sex 3 times, mostly oral/manual. The first one was without any ED medicine, the second one was with Cialis and being on MDMA, the third one was the day after. All of them were nice, but PE is a crucial problem. Not for her, but for me. Years ago, when I took ED med, I could fuck forever. By now, I trained my brain to want to experience orgasm, and, accordingly, I trained m brain to flex the pelvic muscles. It's so lame, but whereas I thought that it's mostly a matter of muscle tension/relaxation, actually, it's really all in the head. I can feel the "I wanna cum now" feeling which is an extremely selfish attitude. Overall, I had 3 ejaculations in one and a half days and although I took some meds and I had PE, it's rather part of my rewiring than part of my addiction. But there is no clear cut, for sure.
    What is rather part of my relapse, or a first step towards it is that this morning I started M-ing when I woke up and I kept on doing it under the shower. I want to believe that it's mostly due to the remnant Cialis in my bloodstream that made me hard and hornier, but tomorrow and in the following days I really have to pay extra attention to it. I will set up habits during the shower (e.g chewing a gum, listening to something and so on) that my brain will link to NO M. I hope it will work.
    Third, I decided not to drink for at least a month, but optimally, forever. I will be more concessive on drugs, but I am aware that now I'm taking too much. The last time I was taking mdma for work that not only did make me horny and "impotent" at the same time, but it's also nonsense. I mean taking this sort of drug for work. And in general, taking drugs for work can be allowed only if I'm really short of time.
    Unfortunately, I have to work a lot on my Thesis, my job, and other activities; it's pretty bad. Actually, nobody should work more than 10-15 hours a week, working this much is harmful to the individuals: first, it prevents them from obtaining deep knowledge about themselves bc it's easier to gain status from your job. It keeps us in a dependent position, we depend on our job & status, essentially it's the most basic and most widely accepted addiction that is part of the life of most of us. Second, it harms our environment, it is the basis of the overproduction and overconsumption that destroys everything around us.
    Anyways, the first week is almost over. I'm satisfied with the decision of not having drinks and I'm doing my daily activities pretty well. Also, I'm not craving porn since I don't work. But, I have to work, which is a current weakness of mine. I also have to pay attention to the M under the shower and taking less drugs. Finally, I have to develop a healthier sleeping hygiene. I will write about it another time.

    P.S: @Shady, thank you for the like. Even one click can help a lot as it shows that someone reads all the stuff I put down here.
     
    Babylonier likes this.
  3. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    DAY 0.
    I mean there was no P involved, but I E'ed and it counts as relapse for me.
    Right now I feel that the root cause is sleepiness. Nevertheless, I slept 12 hours the day before yesterday as I felt I was extremely exhausted, yesterday I went to a friend's place in the countryside, we were talking without drinking/smoking a lot, we went to sleep no so late (we were sleeping at 2 am), I slept another 7-8 hours, afterward we went hiking a tiny bit and came back to the city. I had a zoom and I already felt this pervading sleepiness... I started to watch girls on FB... and under the shower, I jerked off.
    The main reason behind the tiredness is both chronic sleep deprivation and that I started to take xanax sometimes when I'm too anxious or when I cannot sleep. But the day after it makes me even more tired, so it's not a good idea at all (beyond the addiction potential it has). Now I'm pretty sad and anxieous :(
     
  4. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    DAY 2.
    So two days ago, I kinda had a slight breakdown/exhaustion... I had to choose between going to a new company I want to become a member of and going to J's bday (a friend) in a forest although I had already told him that I wouldn't be able to go. So what happened was that I was waiting for C, another friend who is also new to this company to text me, and before that, I had a coffee at 9 pm and a microdose of mdma. I had such strong social anxiety that I thought that it would help. Obviously, it didn't: it made me lethargic and I just told C that I wouldn't go. But, obviously, I couldn't sleep either, I just didn't feel like doing anything. I read my book, after that I tried to watch a movie, but I couldn't, so eventually, I jerked off twice more and I could fall asleep around 1 am with some pills. I slept another 12 hours, so, in sum, I slept around 40 hours in 4 days. Nevertheless, I am still irritable and I didn't do much today either despite the fact that I have tons of stuff to do.
    I will try to do at least some of my daily routines and go to sleep at 1 am (it's midnight rn). I really hope that I hit rock bottom 2 days ago and my time is here. Poco a poco.
     
  5. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 0 again.
    I found a new way to bypass my P blocker. Nevertheless, I also had some sex with my gf, so the harm is mitigated... I could have sex with her only with cialis, though, and PE is still an issue. Mostly a brain issue, but I have a muscle relaxer that helps with it, I think. Or was it amphetamine? I don't know. The most dangerous thing now is mdma, it makes me super horny (and unable to get it up at the same time). I should sell all of what I have and keep only amph.
    To have some positive news, too: I started to work on a project I had been procrastinating a lot, and I also met a (relatively new) friend today and our bond is becoming stronger. Also, I started to get better after my "nervous breakdown" I had a week ago. And I haven't drunk alcohol for...almost two weeks now? And I also don't want, hopefully ever in my life :)
    Tbh, I'm not that worried about my P use, and I don't know why. I don't feel shame, but, unfortunately, I also don't feel guilt.
    I fixed my P blocker(s) again, but I think I could still find some way to go over it.
     
  6. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 2.
    I just found out a new way to dodge my blocker. Luckily, I didn't watch anything I would consider P, but it's fearsome how my brain works on harming itself/me. Furthermore, I used up 1 g of amph in a couple of days, I'm starting to get addicted to it. Tomorrow, I will give a large part of t to my gf to slow down my use.
    Yesterday there was a demonstration that the collective organized I'm trying to become a member of. I took some amph to cope with my social anxiety, and as a result, I one of the best activists in distributing flyers/building stuff/raising money... But, at the same time, at the afterparty, I was hanging out only with my gf and my friends and I was really creepy. I didn't even say hi to them, actually, I didn't even go to the official afterparty, only to the place I knew they would go after the official place closed.
    I have been part of this movement since January, but I still haven't seen many of the members partly due to the pandemic, but mostly due to my anxiety (and, also, due to me being too busy with university & work & procrastination). It's really embarrassing, I couldn't recognize one of the chair member, moreover, 2 weeks ago, in an online plenary session, I left my mic switched on while taking a shit. I think I could be the number 1 loser from a mediocre Hollywood movie. I don't even know if I can save m face anymore, but I will work on it with m therapist.
    I broke basically all of the norms regarding socialization. I didn't even congratulate the main speakers even though I was in the backstage. I behave in a really awkward way even when my dopa levels are boosted.
    The only achievement is that I haven't drunk alcohol again (instead I used amph...). And that I have close friends and a loving gf.
     
  7. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 0.
    Restart for the millionth time. New passwords set up, old lies for myself. Total failure.
     
  8. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 1.
    This day has been a tiny bit better, although the shame originating from this social anxiety is still lingering here. I couldn't work on my Thesis and other uni duties bc of this online activism, but at least I made some progress on this latter one. Tomorrow I will present something about it, but it's 2 AM and I'm still working on it. Tomorrow, I really have to start my Thesis.
    Today, I have taken some amph and mdma for work, but no P, minimal M, and I have done most of my self-care activities. I also met a good friend, only for half an hour though. Tomorrow, I'm gonna go jogging and I hope that somehow I can overcome this depression coming from my social illiteracy.
    To be honest, I have read a lot here that social anxiety is a result of P use. That must be true, but, at the same time, I already had it before becoming a P consumer. It's true that I was already an M addict at the age of 8-9, and dopamine (and serotonin) play a crucial role in anxiety modulation. I'm thinking about starting to take medication (probably some SSRI) to downregulate my anxiety while I'm trying to do something with it with my therapist. But now I have no idea how to start. It seems a self-reinforcing vicious circle: the more anxiety I feel, the more awkward I behave, and the more creepy they will think I am. I don't know how to break it.
     
  9. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 2.
    Yesterday I went to sleep pretty late (3-4 am) and today my gf woke me. I was trying to solve a problem for my work that I wanted to resent to my social movement, but I couldn't. Finally, in the evening, I presented some stuff and they really liked it. In the afternoon, we went jogging; it was tough bc I hadn't eaten anything before that, and I felt that I would die after half of it, but eventually, I had a really good lap time. After that a friend came over to cowork, I also cooked for him and to my gf and they loved it. Moreover, I sent out some emails I really had been procrastinating on for a while. So today was the day of small gratifications. Furthermore, I didn't take any speed, but only bc my gf is here, but it's not my achievement; I'm pretty addicted to it now :(
    Anyways, tomorrow, I must must must start working on my Thesis, otherwise, I will fail :O
     
  10. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    It makes no sense to count days because I fail on every second one. Yesterday, I was working on my thesis till the morning, on amph&mdma, and I found another way to lie to myself an watched some P. Tbh, it wasn't that exciting and my dick was also limp due to the drugs, but it's still a failure. After that, in the morning, I took a cialis and had sex with my gf (2 E's). I slept like 3 hours and took even more drugs. Then met a friend and had a really good time talking about ourselves. I wonder how I'll feel when the drugs wear off. I hate P, I just want a year without laptop, phone and any screen or serious duties. I wanna go to Colombia or Indonesia and work on a plantation, doing some sport, meditation, reading, and that's all. I wanna escape from this world to rewire my brain.
     
  11. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Haven't written here for a while as I was in continuous relapses. I had several day 0's, and today is finally a day 2. I PM'ed 2 days ago, PMOE'd 8 days ago and E'd with my gf 5 days ago. I just can't believe that one year ago I did 30 day streaks and 3-weeks streaks without orgasm and now I can't do a week without watching P. Most of the guys fro last year are - more or less -cured, but at least have some achievement, and I'm still suffering from social anxiety, PIED, and all this shit. I have 2 weeks to write my Thesis while working on other stuff as well, it's gonna be tough. I just wanna fast forward my life one year when I will have finished the uni. I'll just save up some money and go to a place where there is no work, no duties, no phone, computer, and this bloody white civilization. Only rewiring, doing meditation, sports, reading, having healthy food and no stress. However, I must learn how to limit my out-of-control behavior, or at least doing it a bit better than now. It's a disaster...
     

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