I'm back again, but this time I'm gonna win

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Newwaynewlife, Nov 1, 2020.

  1. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 4 is over.
    Yesterday I had a nice conversation with my brother before going to sleep (till like 2.30 am), I finished the last bottle of wine, and my sleep quality was horrible (obviously). Now I feel strong enough to stop drinking for a while.
    I'm also quite horny, and my gf is here, too. She is on her period, but we could have a nice anal, omg, as I'm typing it I just feel my dopamine & adrenaline levels rising. I also have some cialis in my closet, it would be amazing, but at the same time, it would start me on the bumpy road of chasing effect... I don't think that I could resist cumming (especially that I have strong PE issues). Tough decision, the best is probably to extend my celibacy with at least a couple of days (the best would be 30 days hard mode with 30 days alcohol abstinence), but I don't know how my willpower will help me. Willpower is something I shouldn't rely on too much, bc I should introduce alternative coping mechanisms instead. Using my willpower means suppressing the desire to escape, to fantasize, to watch P, to M and E...
    I just checked my behavior tracker now, and I just realized that in April and May I was jerking off so much (I ejaculated 32 times and only 11 was related to my gf) that I'm surprised that I don't have otitis and my hair is nor falling out. But what I'm even more surprised (no, actually, I'm not) is the contrast between my fapping habits now and my resistance to E-ing for 20-30-40 days less than a year ago. It shows how pointless it is to be abstinent instead of finding new gratifications (or just feel real disgust towards P).

    Btw, while writing this post I am also working in coding and I just deleted accidentally a chunk of code. I instantly got a neurotic "seizure" and while I was raging, I dumped the rest of my amphetamine that was on my table. Life is cruel but fair :D
     
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  2. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 6 is over. What happened since last time?
    First, we had sex 3 times, mostly oral/manual. The first one was without any ED medicine, the second one was with Cialis and being on MDMA, the third one was the day after. All of them were nice, but PE is a crucial problem. Not for her, but for me. Years ago, when I took ED med, I could fuck forever. By now, I trained my brain to want to experience orgasm, and, accordingly, I trained m brain to flex the pelvic muscles. It's so lame, but whereas I thought that it's mostly a matter of muscle tension/relaxation, actually, it's really all in the head. I can feel the "I wanna cum now" feeling which is an extremely selfish attitude. Overall, I had 3 ejaculations in one and a half days and although I took some meds and I had PE, it's rather part of my rewiring than part of my addiction. But there is no clear cut, for sure.
    What is rather part of my relapse, or a first step towards it is that this morning I started M-ing when I woke up and I kept on doing it under the shower. I want to believe that it's mostly due to the remnant Cialis in my bloodstream that made me hard and hornier, but tomorrow and in the following days I really have to pay extra attention to it. I will set up habits during the shower (e.g chewing a gum, listening to something and so on) that my brain will link to NO M. I hope it will work.
    Third, I decided not to drink for at least a month, but optimally, forever. I will be more concessive on drugs, but I am aware that now I'm taking too much. The last time I was taking mdma for work that not only did make me horny and "impotent" at the same time, but it's also nonsense. I mean taking this sort of drug for work. And in general, taking drugs for work can be allowed only if I'm really short of time.
    Unfortunately, I have to work a lot on my Thesis, my job, and other activities; it's pretty bad. Actually, nobody should work more than 10-15 hours a week, working this much is harmful to the individuals: first, it prevents them from obtaining deep knowledge about themselves bc it's easier to gain status from your job. It keeps us in a dependent position, we depend on our job & status, essentially it's the most basic and most widely accepted addiction that is part of the life of most of us. Second, it harms our environment, it is the basis of the overproduction and overconsumption that destroys everything around us.
    Anyways, the first week is almost over. I'm satisfied with the decision of not having drinks and I'm doing my daily activities pretty well. Also, I'm not craving porn since I don't work. But, I have to work, which is a current weakness of mine. I also have to pay attention to the M under the shower and taking less drugs. Finally, I have to develop a healthier sleeping hygiene. I will write about it another time.

    P.S: @Shady, thank you for the like. Even one click can help a lot as it shows that someone reads all the stuff I put down here.
     
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  3. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    DAY 0.
    I mean there was no P involved, but I E'ed and it counts as relapse for me.
    Right now I feel that the root cause is sleepiness. Nevertheless, I slept 12 hours the day before yesterday as I felt I was extremely exhausted, yesterday I went to a friend's place in the countryside, we were talking without drinking/smoking a lot, we went to sleep no so late (we were sleeping at 2 am), I slept another 7-8 hours, afterward we went hiking a tiny bit and came back to the city. I had a zoom and I already felt this pervading sleepiness... I started to watch girls on FB... and under the shower, I jerked off.
    The main reason behind the tiredness is both chronic sleep deprivation and that I started to take xanax sometimes when I'm too anxious or when I cannot sleep. But the day after it makes me even more tired, so it's not a good idea at all (beyond the addiction potential it has). Now I'm pretty sad and anxieous :(
     
  4. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    DAY 2.
    So two days ago, I kinda had a slight breakdown/exhaustion... I had to choose between going to a new company I want to become a member of and going to J's bday (a friend) in a forest although I had already told him that I wouldn't be able to go. So what happened was that I was waiting for C, another friend who is also new to this company to text me, and before that, I had a coffee at 9 pm and a microdose of mdma. I had such strong social anxiety that I thought that it would help. Obviously, it didn't: it made me lethargic and I just told C that I wouldn't go. But, obviously, I couldn't sleep either, I just didn't feel like doing anything. I read my book, after that I tried to watch a movie, but I couldn't, so eventually, I jerked off twice more and I could fall asleep around 1 am with some pills. I slept another 12 hours, so, in sum, I slept around 40 hours in 4 days. Nevertheless, I am still irritable and I didn't do much today either despite the fact that I have tons of stuff to do.
    I will try to do at least some of my daily routines and go to sleep at 1 am (it's midnight rn). I really hope that I hit rock bottom 2 days ago and my time is here. Poco a poco.
     
  5. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 0 again.
    I found a new way to bypass my P blocker. Nevertheless, I also had some sex with my gf, so the harm is mitigated... I could have sex with her only with cialis, though, and PE is still an issue. Mostly a brain issue, but I have a muscle relaxer that helps with it, I think. Or was it amphetamine? I don't know. The most dangerous thing now is mdma, it makes me super horny (and unable to get it up at the same time). I should sell all of what I have and keep only amph.
    To have some positive news, too: I started to work on a project I had been procrastinating a lot, and I also met a (relatively new) friend today and our bond is becoming stronger. Also, I started to get better after my "nervous breakdown" I had a week ago. And I haven't drunk alcohol for...almost two weeks now? And I also don't want, hopefully ever in my life :)
    Tbh, I'm not that worried about my P use, and I don't know why. I don't feel shame, but, unfortunately, I also don't feel guilt.
    I fixed my P blocker(s) again, but I think I could still find some way to go over it.
     
  6. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 2.
    I just found out a new way to dodge my blocker. Luckily, I didn't watch anything I would consider P, but it's fearsome how my brain works on harming itself/me. Furthermore, I used up 1 g of amph in a couple of days, I'm starting to get addicted to it. Tomorrow, I will give a large part of t to my gf to slow down my use.
    Yesterday there was a demonstration that the collective organized I'm trying to become a member of. I took some amph to cope with my social anxiety, and as a result, I one of the best activists in distributing flyers/building stuff/raising money... But, at the same time, at the afterparty, I was hanging out only with my gf and my friends and I was really creepy. I didn't even say hi to them, actually, I didn't even go to the official afterparty, only to the place I knew they would go after the official place closed.
    I have been part of this movement since January, but I still haven't seen many of the members partly due to the pandemic, but mostly due to my anxiety (and, also, due to me being too busy with university & work & procrastination). It's really embarrassing, I couldn't recognize one of the chair member, moreover, 2 weeks ago, in an online plenary session, I left my mic switched on while taking a shit. I think I could be the number 1 loser from a mediocre Hollywood movie. I don't even know if I can save m face anymore, but I will work on it with m therapist.
    I broke basically all of the norms regarding socialization. I didn't even congratulate the main speakers even though I was in the backstage. I behave in a really awkward way even when my dopa levels are boosted.
    The only achievement is that I haven't drunk alcohol again (instead I used amph...). And that I have close friends and a loving gf.
     
  7. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 0.
    Restart for the millionth time. New passwords set up, old lies for myself. Total failure.
     
  8. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 1.
    This day has been a tiny bit better, although the shame originating from this social anxiety is still lingering here. I couldn't work on my Thesis and other uni duties bc of this online activism, but at least I made some progress on this latter one. Tomorrow I will present something about it, but it's 2 AM and I'm still working on it. Tomorrow, I really have to start my Thesis.
    Today, I have taken some amph and mdma for work, but no P, minimal M, and I have done most of my self-care activities. I also met a good friend, only for half an hour though. Tomorrow, I'm gonna go jogging and I hope that somehow I can overcome this depression coming from my social illiteracy.
    To be honest, I have read a lot here that social anxiety is a result of P use. That must be true, but, at the same time, I already had it before becoming a P consumer. It's true that I was already an M addict at the age of 8-9, and dopamine (and serotonin) play a crucial role in anxiety modulation. I'm thinking about starting to take medication (probably some SSRI) to downregulate my anxiety while I'm trying to do something with it with my therapist. But now I have no idea how to start. It seems a self-reinforcing vicious circle: the more anxiety I feel, the more awkward I behave, and the more creepy they will think I am. I don't know how to break it.
     
  9. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 2.
    Yesterday I went to sleep pretty late (3-4 am) and today my gf woke me. I was trying to solve a problem for my work that I wanted to resent to my social movement, but I couldn't. Finally, in the evening, I presented some stuff and they really liked it. In the afternoon, we went jogging; it was tough bc I hadn't eaten anything before that, and I felt that I would die after half of it, but eventually, I had a really good lap time. After that a friend came over to cowork, I also cooked for him and to my gf and they loved it. Moreover, I sent out some emails I really had been procrastinating on for a while. So today was the day of small gratifications. Furthermore, I didn't take any speed, but only bc my gf is here, but it's not my achievement; I'm pretty addicted to it now :(
    Anyways, tomorrow, I must must must start working on my Thesis, otherwise, I will fail :O
     
  10. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    It makes no sense to count days because I fail on every second one. Yesterday, I was working on my thesis till the morning, on amph&mdma, and I found another way to lie to myself an watched some P. Tbh, it wasn't that exciting and my dick was also limp due to the drugs, but it's still a failure. After that, in the morning, I took a cialis and had sex with my gf (2 E's). I slept like 3 hours and took even more drugs. Then met a friend and had a really good time talking about ourselves. I wonder how I'll feel when the drugs wear off. I hate P, I just want a year without laptop, phone and any screen or serious duties. I wanna go to Colombia or Indonesia and work on a plantation, doing some sport, meditation, reading, and that's all. I wanna escape from this world to rewire my brain.
     
  11. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Haven't written here for a while as I was in continuous relapses. I had several day 0's, and today is finally a day 2. I PM'ed 2 days ago, PMOE'd 8 days ago and E'd with my gf 5 days ago. I just can't believe that one year ago I did 30 day streaks and 3-weeks streaks without orgasm and now I can't do a week without watching P. Most of the guys fro last year are - more or less -cured, but at least have some achievement, and I'm still suffering from social anxiety, PIED, and all this shit. I have 2 weeks to write my Thesis while working on other stuff as well, it's gonna be tough. I just wanna fast forward my life one year when I will have finished the uni. I'll just save up some money and go to a place where there is no work, no duties, no phone, computer, and this bloody white civilization. Only rewiring, doing meditation, sports, reading, having healthy food and no stress. However, I must learn how to limit my out-of-control behavior, or at least doing it a bit better than now. It's a disaster...
     
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  12. Cloud123

    Cloud123 New Member

    keep trying hard! Some time ago I also had social anxiety, I worked on it with a cognitive-behavioral psychologist, maybe it will also help you with the pmo. But if the best thing is to try different things until you can quit. Sorry mi english
     
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  13. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Bro it’s stress what is causing you to PMO. You just want to get you’re mind of things! Of life it self. That’s why you’re experiencing social anxiety! When you try to replace things for P so you can make you're stress lower, than you wil experience that the urge to go to P will be less also! Being social and have conversations with people or just be with people is stress lowering. Also walking in nature wil help you! I take every morning and evening a cold shower for the last 2 months. Google The iceman Wim Hof. Also tru the day I splash my face with cold water. Also try the meditation app of him. Very nice experience.

    you can do this bro! God bless and be strong!
     
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  14. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Hi all,

    First of all, thank you for all your supportive comments. Second, a pretty tough period ended around a week ago, I wrote most of my Thesis and presented it. I was working on it (and procrastinating) day&night, taking uppers and sleeping 2-3 hours a day. I watched P in every hour basically, I just lost control over my compulsive behavior. I thought that this time I wouldn't be able to quit, my brain was craving for it as hell. Since I presented my Thesis and sent it to my supervisor, I haven't even opened an incognito tab on my browser.
    Although most P-couches/CBT therapists glorify hard work, I believe that it predisposes me to P, M, and O, and I also believe that it's just a way to escape your problems as you can derive some sort of fake identity and self-esteem from it (instead of deriving it from therapy and self-knowledge/self-awareness).
    Right now I'm happy about my first week (I M'd a bit when I couldn't fall asleep, but now I feel 80% in control), but I have other stressful domains in my life (my relationship with my brother and his abusive gf). Nevertheless, I strongly believe that I won't relapse in the next 1-2 months and that I am going to write here 3-4 times a week. I will switch (back) countries in September (right now I'm in my home country) and I should arrange a therapist there, but for some reason, I'm postponing calling my GP there... The therapy would be psychodynamic (short-term, meaning that 10-20 weeks) and I really hope that it helps. If not, my last chance is the Porn Reboot with JK Emezi - it costs a lot and I don't really see what it an add, but I have never been to a couch, and I have tried zillion types of other therapies. CBT included, @Cloud123, although with a really awful therapist.
    @Babylonier yes, I'm taking 1-2 cold showers every day and it helps a lot. However, I feel that my principal trigger is stress caused by work&studies. And I have another year from my other MSc, so it's gonna be tough... Anyways, if I can stay clean for 2 months, that's already an extraordinary achievement.
     
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  15. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    The day before yesterday we (me & my gf) had a talk with my bro and his gf after a long time (she is really manipulative and was loathing to meet me and my gf for 9 months) and it was really frustrating. It is the second time in 3 years that I realize that the only way to communicate with a person who is not reflected and absolves him/herself of any responsibility, but blames others is verbal aggression. I went there with the intention not to face her with the reality that she is abusive as hell, and she couldn't even say sorry for hurting me and my gf. I basically have to "break up" with my brother, end a 20-years long relationship with him and it's really stressful. Nevertheless, P hasn't been my coping strategy yet, which is a good sign, but yesterday I M'd without ejaculating and after that I had sex with my gf on Cialis and ejaculated twice. I don't really know how O through sex can be part of the reboot, I think that it shouldn't, but I cannot do it without any O'ing for 3 months...
    So I had a horrible day yesterday, I wanted to finish my Thesis, but I couldn't sleep anything after the "meeting". I'm taking amph+coke every day (in small doses to be able to work) which is dangerous and I have to drastically reduce my consumption after this week (once I submit my Thesis). On the other side, on Monday was m first anniversary without smoking (although in the past 2 days I felt strong urges) and I haven't drunk for around 2 months (and in the past year I had more abstinent than drinking months). Moreover, yesterday, I contacted my "foreign GP", so on Monday, I will have an phone appointment that is needed for the therapy.
     
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  16. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Coming back to the eternal loop. On the one hand, this morning I MOE's, yesterday PMOE'd, the day before yesterday PM'd. Daily amph+coke/mdma usage. On the other, I submitted my Thesis (I got a worse grade than I'd expected, but whatever) and we had a talk with my entire family on my brother and his relationship. He finally disclosed to my parents that he's scared of his gf, and I think we can start work on this abusive relationship issue. I feel that I've been the focal person in my family for 3-4 years and it makes me feel proud. Nevertheless, my bro is probably going to another continent and I'm moving back to another country in Sept, so it's gonna be a tough journey. Anyways, I feel that I made considerable progress in two domains of my life.
    I really have to start over tracking my daily activities including this journal. I had 26 P-free days so I really shouldn't let this relapse be long. At the same time, I feel that there is this kindda loser part of our society who cannot give up M and P even after 30; I cannot have normal sex, even with medication, and I still escape to my sexual fantasies ever day and I'm still struggling not opening P sites. It's so hopeless.
     
  17. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 1 is almost over.
    Today I went to therapy; my brother and his relationship, as it affects my and my gf's life pretty strongly, has been a topic for months. It is sort of a problem because I should address problems in my own life and relationship, but my bro has been one of my best friends for almost two decades so the deterioration of our relationship, as well as the aggression of his gf towards mine, influences my life directly. Nevertheless, my therapist, instead of trying to push me towards talking and thinking about my own problems, wants to prove that we, human beings, shouldn't "poke our noses into each other's lives". I think that this individualist and opportunist/selfish attitude, dominant in the Western world, is responsible for most sorrow, alienation, as well as for the destruction of our planet. Moreover, the main feature of an abusive relationship is that the abuser destroys the other person's self-esteem that much that s/he cannot believe that s/he can quit the relationship and that anyone else would like to be with him/her. My bro really needs empowerment, but I need to and my therapist, instead of trying to direct my focus towards my relationship, personality, and life in general, wants to win a rather ideological debate. I'm really not satisfied with him, but I will switch countries in a month anyway.
    Last week I wanted to go to an SLAA meeting, but finally I "couldn't" do it: I had just finished my Thesis and I wanted to be with friends: I had two meetings on Wednesday when the SLAA meeting took place and I didn't feel like. Tbh, there was another meeting on Tuesday as well when normally I have a job-related meeting (but it wasn't either last week or this week) and on Saturday (this week we're going to another friend to the countryside). In sum, I think I'm afraid of going there, but eventually, I must. This is my goal for next week.
    Otherwise, I'm taking some drugs every day, although I will run out of them soon. I haven't texted my dealer bc I know that his dad just died (it's rather a relief to him) and I don't know what he's up to. And I also don't wanna take this much drug...
    Yesterday, I took some viagra and other drugs and had some sex with my gf. Erection 80%, first ejaculation was not that premature. For the second time, I felt that I just wanted to cum before sleeping.
    As for friends, today I met a good friend who just gave birth to her child - we met only for an hour, but it was pretty substantial
    As for my daily tasks, yesterday I meditated and I will do it right now as well.
    As for work, I couldn't make much progress which is annoying... I promised that I would do something by today and I just don't know how to do it. By contrast, yesterday assembled a desk and organized a sort of office to my gf where she can work. She has been asking for it for a year and it felt so nice to do it. Moreover, today I changed the back tire on my bicycle. Both felt so nice - I should start tinkering and doing handcrafts instead of doing only science...

    Tomorrow, we are going to this friend and will stay for the entire weekend. I hope I will be able to enjoy the company of the others, to work a bit, and do my daily tasks. And next week: SLA!
     
  18. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 2.

    Today I watched some Hot tub videos on Twitch while jelquing (which is one of my daily activities), but didn't go too far. It doesn't mean that next time I won't either, though.
    I'm taking way too much drug, I mean not a big quantity, but every day, several times. Furthermore, I contacted my dealer so I will refill my storage next week. No good...
    Yesterday, I wrote my post at 5:30 AM, and after that I meditated. I should do something with my sleeping hygiene because this is fucked up. I woke up today around noon and tried to work, but I just cannot solve a problem. It's annoying, but I just shouldn't feel too bad about it; it's just work.
    By contrast, I started to pay more attention to my daily activities, and it gives me some sense of security and responsibility. I really should do meditation today as well, I think if I surpass the "6-8 consecutive days" limit, it becomes a habit. In the past 5 months, I meditated 46 times, but I never did a streak longer than 4 days. This is my second goal for the upcoming two weeks.
    Today, we're going to a friend's place with my gf on the countryside and tomorrow two other friends are coming, too. We will work a bit in chill, have fun on the beach and take some mushroom. It's gonna be fun, and probably deep as well.

    Even though I gave up smoking and drinking in the past year, I don't feel the efficacy to give up M and fantasizing. It may be rooted in the fact that I don't feel hopeful in general: the planet is fucked, most political systems are unjust and exploitative, most norms teach you how to hide your real problems and make you narcissistic (e.g. about getting self-esteem from work or from bringing children into this busted world) instead of learning to know and accept yourself and being honest and cooperative with the others. I just don't feel that anything makes any sense in the long run. At the same time, I wanna have as good sex as I can have, so probably the only goal that makes sense is to heal from M addiction.
     
  19. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 5

    We came to this weekend house 3 days ago and I could keep the key so I am still here alone (although I didn't really do my daily routine for two days...). Tomorrow my gf is coming back and we'll spend a night together (having sex under the stars) and the day after that some other friends might visit me :)
    We took some shroom but it wasn't that strong as we expected, so it wasn't a trip, rather a night with good friends and elevated mood. I really enjoyed it and I feel that I have close friends, our connection is pretty deep, truly honest, and strongly supportive. It definitely helps boosting my self-esteem and preventing me from escaping to M and P. Nevertheless, I'm really horny, can't wait to "empty it out" tomorrow, hopefully on the face of my gf....
    I took a tiny bit of amph+coke today, but I didn't feel like snorting the second line. Instead, I re-started my daily routines (mediatation, yoga exercises, kegel, cold bath...). I will have a session with my therapist the day after tomorrow but I don't fancy going back to the city. The last time(s) was (were) pretty useless, and I feel being in Nature helps me more than going to that session and going through all the same shit again. By contrast, I promised myself to go to SLAA this week; there is one tomorrow, one on the day after, and one on Saturday. Consequently, I should go to this latter one...
    What else? I will meet an ex-friend who has been insinuating me for 3 years. He's pretty fucked up, sort of a lovely creep who (in my opinion) hasn't forged a strong self-idenitity and this is why he judges certain people morally. I mean he is right in some things concerning my past behaviour, but I haven't done anything pernicious to him, there are many people in his circles who had behaved way worse than I did and he didn't even make a comment, and finally he is pretty much envious/jealous of me. It sounds pretty narcissistic, but tbh, I have spent long days and nights reflecting on my behaviour, and I admit that I committed extremely nasty things, but my shame & guilt motivated me to be a better person. Conversely, this guy hasn't changed much. I would assign the 80% of my anxiety, anger, and depression of the past 3 years to him. And I finally feel the strength to tell this unreflective abusive prick to fuck off. The only problem is that I don't like aggression; I had to work 3 years on it to be able to be verbally aggressive (if I can really tell him to fuck off).
    Anyways, this shroom trip might have helped with my mood, but I'm still taking micro doses of stimulants/tranquilizers. It is not good, but when I switch country in September and hopefull will have a new therapist in November-December, I will probably start taking SSRI, tranquilizer, and ADHD medication, and try to decrease the dose and leave them in 8-10 months. I feel that this is the only way for me to stop M-ing :'(
     
  20. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 0.
    I didn't M or E, but I watched P. Tonight my gf is coming and I will fuck her. Nevertheless, I couldn't really progress in my work, I didn't sleep well and I have a phone with no adult filtering. Basic mistakes... I don't know if I should go back to the city where I have protected wifi and I don't use my phone that much (here I can use only 4G). I will come back here later
     

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