I'm back again, but this time I'm gonna win

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Newwaynewlife, Nov 1, 2020.

  1. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Hi fellas!

    I started my first journal here at the beginning of 2017 (that time it was in the 'Ages 20-29' category), but I deleted it last year. My previous record with regards to M was around 30 days, so I decided to start my second journal now, on day 31, to document how I break free from my compulsive, addictive behavior. Now it's time to finish what I started back then.
    I'm 32 (33 within 3 months), addicted to porn for like 20 years, addicted to MO for my entire life (I might I started it at the age of 5-6, I had my first erection pretty early), and having also a long history of drug abuse (alcohol, cigarette, laughing gas, weed, hash, shroom, acid, MDMA, speed, coke, GHB, ketamine, DMT...). Right now I'm P-free for around two and a half months and O-free for one month. However, my current recovery process started at the beginning of this year when I realized for the hundredth time that my identity is really strongly interwoven with drug use (my topics and areas of "expertise", the way I view the world, ways I spend time with my friends, way others think of me...). I haven't used drugs for 10 months (except from one night when we were smoking hash), I quit smoking 4 months ago (after 18 years of chain-smoking), I haven't drunk alcohol for 2 months (except one no-alcohol beer 2 days ago that got me a bit tipsy :D -- yes, triggers count more than the substance itself) and planning to be alcohol-free for one more month. I limited caffeine (9-10 coffees in the past 2 months) as well as sugar intake (except from 100% fruit juice) lately. Hence, this sense of self-efficacy, the belief that I am able to give up my self-destructive behavior, based on the fact that I could give up other addictions successfully, was the first factor that helped me to start my journey.

    My body and mind are completely wrecked. I behaved like a real narcissistic, abusive asshole in all of my previous relationships (except the current one), so I have quite a lot of enemies. I have never been a really kind/extroverted guy, so there is no halo-effect to counterbalance the negative opinion others have about me. In the past 8 years, I have lived in 4 different countries (one is my home country), which didn't help in socializing either. Due to the pandemic, I moved back home in March (probably for one more year I'm gonna be here); I believe that being close to my beloved ones was the second factor that gave me the power to start my journey towards sexual liberation. Addiction is always about lacking real bonds in your life, usually social bonds (e.g. having distant parents, having been bullied in school, having rejected by guys/girls...).

    I have extremely severe ED problems (if I have sex, I always have it with Cialis/Viagra), really serious premature ejaculation (my pelvic muscles get tense as soon as I or others start to stimulate my dick, hence I
    orgasm really early) for loooong years. I have serious penis shrinkage and severe chronic pain in my pelvic area (maybe because I had a complicated hernia operation when I was 20 and I couldn't skip 3 weeks without orgasming after it). I have had skin problems (rashes, itches...) in my ass and pubic area, I have frequent otitis, I'm neurotic, I have a history of sleeping problems, although, lately this latter got way better. Additionally, in this spring my hair started to fall out in clumps, and an autoimmune process started in my thyroid gland at the same time. Although my hair is still falling out, apparently, with some serious research on Google scholar (I'm a researcher, btw), it seems that I could reverse my thyroid issue (doctors had no clue, they told me that I should have waited until my thyroid gland dies and then start to take thyroid hormones). Nevertheless, it threatened the shit out of me; this threat was the third factor that pushed me towards recovery.

    I have had different therapies for 7-8 years now with pauses. Most of them were inefficient or just ridiculously bad (especially the last one that was supposed to be a CBT :( ). I started the current therapy 6 weeks ago (it's rather a psychodynamic/analytic one), and hopefully it will help me go through the toughest and most challenging period of my life. My current goal is being O-free for 20 weeks; it is exactly the time between my last orgasm and my 33rd birthday. I will start to rewire my brain with my gf really soon by paying a lot of attention to not coming close to orgasm. In the past 4 weeks, I was still M-ing without O; it leads to pelvic pain in one hand, and I think it prevents ΔFosB to get flushed out of my brain, so somehow I have to stop it.

    Here, I will document my journey as well as pasting blog entries from 2017 (because I saved my journal before deleting it). I really hope that I can help you as well in your route towards liberation and that together, we can break out. I have quite a lot of experience/knowledge in behavioral sciences (aka psychology), psychophysiology, as well as in herbs and supplements, so feel free to ask.

    I know that together we are stronger! Have a wonderful day!
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  2. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Although the past month has been a relatively remarkable success, I read text porn 3-4 times, I guess. I also F almost every day (under the shower). Both activities reignite P pathways in my brain, hence, I must get rid of them in order for my rewiring and liberation process to make sense. I should try some behavioral strategies to remind myself in sensitive situations (e.g. under the bath) not to de it. The first idea is chewing gum under the shower that reminds me to stop this harmful habit. I think it is one of my last serious self-destructive behaviors I have to eliminate.
  3. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Day 32 from O-ing, day 75 from visual porn.
    Here is my first post, I think it's from August 2016:

    " I had amazing sexual experiences, girlys used to do anything for me many times. I´ve had been together with around 15 girls I´ve had anal with 5-6 of them, I gave facial cumshot to 3, one gave me a blowjob at 8 in the morning in a park where people were passing by, I had anal sex with a beautiful African girl in an elevator, and so on. However now I´m functionally impotent. If I can get it up, I cum in 5 secs. My erections are 40%. I wrecked up my vision (I have eye floaters due to the dopamine level changes), my ears are buzzing and I became a bit deaf, my memory is fucked up, my penis and my balls are tiny as a baby´s, my ass and dick is constantly itching, I´ve seminal leakage, I have lower back pain and penis pain, PE and ED (basically no erection stronger than 40%), chronic fatigue and sleeping disorders. My life is completely fucked up, even though I´ve always had girlfriends. I spend my time and energy to look up exercises and herbs to regain my masculinity, so now finally I started this blog. It´s gonna be a really long journey; let me tell you about my past:

    I´m 29 and started to watch porn around 12, however I was hooked to masturbation even much earlier. I think my first erection might have been at the age of 5, and as soon as I took notice of my boner, I started to play with my dick. When I started my bad habit, I started to rub my dick to the bedsheet before falling asleep, and came after a couple of seconds. I always went for quick satisfaction and gratification.
    As I considered my dick pretty small (it is somewhat under the average, but it´s quite small when flaccid), I was pretty sure that I would never have a girlfriend. Consequently, I lived in my imaginations with everyone (classmates, teachers, classmates´moms...). So by the time of like 14 I´d already used MO for being able to fall asleep and to escape my anxiety. As I considered myself a small-dicked guy, I´ve always felt inferior to others, someone who hasn´t got the same rights to have a chick he likes. At the same time, of course, I became really shy: I was afraid of showing my emotions just as I was scared to show my body to others.
    When I was 14 I started to drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes and weed. I was 15 when I started to go out with my first girlfriend (RH). She is three and a half years older than me, and we were together for over 5 years. She was really cool, smart, sexy, femminine... Actually sex was pretty good with her (oral, anal...), she had nice big tits and ass, but I kept on wanking off to porn and to other girls in my imagination. She could have satisfied me, but I couldn´t feel satisfied because I hated my body. I felt that I couldn´t satisfy her, which was partly true, cause I´m not big and I often came pretty early (thanks to porn and that I wired my brain to cum early), but I was amazing in oral, in caressing, and she really loved me.

    So we were together for years, I wasn´t brave enough to break up, but not even to cheat on her (in spite of several offers) because I was scared that someone would know that I have a small prick. During these years (between 15 and 20) I developed a really serious level of porn addiction. I guess that sometimes I had more than a dozen of PMOs a day. I think the normal was somewhere between 5 and 10. Many times when I woke up, I rubbed it to the bedsheet; a couple of seconds, and done. When I came back from school, usually the first thing wass turning on the PC and start to consume my daily dosage. Of course, whole afternoons, whole nights. I didn´t have many hobbies as I was timid ("if I start, I will fail and everyone will make fun of me" <--- the same shy attitude), I played music till the age of 12, and I could´ve taken up anything, languages, art... but I didn´t. I didn´t do any sports, which helped me to fuck up even more my HGH and testosterone production. (to tell the truth if I shave my thin and sparse beard, I look like a 20 year old guy. Due to the overmasturbation I didn´t produce enough HGH, so I´m like I were 10 years younger) Beating out, drinking and smoking with my buddies and being with my gf. That was my life.

    After secondary school first I went to a collage I really didn´t like, and when I was 20 I changed. Here I met a not so beautiful and nothing-special girl (UG) who fell in love with me. And somehow me too, at least for a short period of time... We broke up with RH and I started to date this other girl. We had sex, she was really loose, she had no experience (no blowjobs bc she was afraid that she wouldn´t do it well) and I didn´t have high libido bc I didn´t like her, so none of us really enjoyed it. In the subsequent 3 years I was playing with RH's and UG's emotions and I didn´t really realize that I was a narcistic egoist dickhead. I was together with one of them, then breakup, together with the other, back and forth, two girls at the same time... It was horrible, disgusting, but I didn't feel that I had agency, jsut "went with the flow" without feeling responsibility, or feeling that I deserve it as life didn't give me so many things that others had received.

    At the end of the College RH finally got a new bf (at the beginning of the relationship she cheated him with me), and we broke up with UG finally (it was easier, bc we didn´t go to the same school anymore). When I thought that finally I will be free, my relationship dependency pulled me back. One of my best friends (SX) told me that she fell in love with me. I couldn´t say no bc I didn´t want to lose her as a friend, so we started a relationship. Again, no agency, I didn't feel that it was my own decision, hence, I allowed myself to always have excuses. Actually most of my friends and my brother was against this relationship, so we locked ourselves up: we were friends, we had really good sex (actually she was full of sexual power) and we used drugs. What else did we need? Well, needless to say that I wasn´t happy. I started synthetic (and other) drugs when I was 20-21 (what I have tried (and abused) so far, many times: cigarette, alcohol, weed, hash, laughing gas, mushroom, mdma, ecstasy, lsd, 2cb, speed, cocaine, ketamine, xanax once, tramadol a couple of times. Sometimes I worked on amphetamine or on mdma, I was a daily smoker between 20 and 27, now it´s still a problem, and before the age of 20 it was, as well.

    OK, back to my sexual problems: I was together with SX for 2 years and my main health problems began that time. It started with prostatitis-like symptoms, lower pain, urinary problems, ED. (in fact the symptoms had started before, I just didn´t want to notice them. By that time I´d already had bruises in my anus, on my scrotum and even on my dick. It was itching, it looked like a bacterial or fungual infection. I still don´t know what it is. Obviously I´d already had not so seveeED and PE problems basc then, as I mentioned, but at that moment it wasn´t concerning. Penis and testicle shrinkage was a pretty serious problem as well due to excessive masturbation; as a matter of fact it wasn´t shrinkage, but they didn´t even had the opportunity to grow. (my length was 5,5-5,7", but my girth was only around 4,3 when I had erections. Now I cannot even measure it.) But then I didn´t know the connection between this and my abusive behaviour.) So I started to go to urologists who didn´t find anything, so I started a special sort of Kegel exercise. This was when I was 25-26.

    So I came to realise that my problems are due to porn overuse and excessive masturbation. But by that time I´d already had been using it for over 10 years, plus another 6-7 years of excessive masturbation, so I couldn´t stop. I reduced the level to 1-2 daily, but that was still too much. Sometimes I could skip 2-3 days, but then I relapsed. After a while, I discovered OpenDNS (god bless its inventor), so I watched porn 4-5 times in total in the past 6 months (when I wasn´t at home). However, I have to completely stop MO as well, bc I feel pain after ejaculation. I keep track of MOs since the 3rd of November:

    3/11, 2/12, 4/12, 16/12, 19/12, 24/12, 26/12, 27/12, 31/12, 1,/1, 2/1, 3/1, 9/1, 19/1, 22/1,
    7/2, 9/2, (10/2), 18/3, 29/3, 1/4, 4/4, 4/4, 4/4, 10/4, 12-/4, 14/4, 22/4, 3/5, 12/5, 13/5, 22/5, 5/6, 9/6, 14/6, 19/6, 24/6, 29/6, 30/6, 2/7, 5/7, 9/7, 11/7, 14/7, 19/7, 23/7, 26/7, 27/7, 2/8, 7/8, 9/8, 11/8, 15/8, 16/8, 19/8

    As you can see I wasn´t at home in the Christmas break...

    So now I´m at day 11. I´m taking vitamins and I ordered a couple of months ago many adaptogens and herbs, but they were really cheap, so probably they didn´t really do much (Fo Ti, Passionflower, Griffona, Astragalus Membrancenus, Cistanche, Fructus Cnidii, Dodder seed, Oyster...). I ordered a box of Ashwagandha and I still have some leftover from the previous herbs. I´ll keep track here how my abstinence goes, how I build and destroy my body and my mind. Just to say, as I´ve always had, now I have gf as well, but we have no sexual relationship. She has always had problems with her appearance and I´m unable to have sex. Obviously she knows nothing about my porn addiction, only about my weird health issue and that I have to do Kegel exercises every day.

    Yes, this story is extreeeemely long, just as my long-standing addiction. It´s gonna be at least a 3-4 years long journey to overcome it, and hopefully I won´t fuck up this time. If anyone has any observations, please let me know, and if you have questions about Kegel or herbs/adaptogens, feel free to ask, I might know something that you don´t. Let´s do it together, we´re not alone! "

    Well... I definitely feel way better now after freeing myself, at least temporarily (if I take a pessimistic stance), from drugs and porn as well as from O-ing. And I also have a loving relationship, unlike my abusive and unloving previous one, which gives me a lot of power. However, I still over-sexualize everyone and I still fantasize all the time. I don't remember the moment when I wrote this text, so I don't know if I wrote it in this sexist/objectifying tone in order to demonstrate how my deepest disgusting self looks like or it was just the common way I thought about women those days. Either way, I still have this attitude, and for now, it is impossible to imagine that it is going to change...
    Today I could resist touching myself under the shower, however, I touched myself while working and I also opened some text porn, but luckily closed before really started reading it. It's something I never really did, I don't know how harmful it is, but certainly more harmful than what my brain needs. I added it to my porn blocker, but I can easily bypass it, so I gotta take it seriously (but it also means that I've abstained from visual porn for 75 days only using my willpower!!!). I also have to remind myself to wear tracksuit pants or something when working at home, not just sitting in a boxer. In this way, I may prevent myself from start M-ing.

    Tomorrow I'm going to my therapist, I already have a topic (I have to talk about my brother because our relationship is really bad now although we were best friends), but I will also ask him if he has ideas on how to stop fantasizing. As he's not cognitive/behaviorist, he probably won't. But maybe we can talk about objectifying/sexualizing women.
    What else? I'm trying to finish all those work I should have finished months/years ago but I procrastinated instead. I should also write a Thesis. I already have like half of it, but I haven't talked to my superior for 3 months and our relationship had already been pretty bad due to my low performance. I wanna start new things (e.g. jobs), but it would be an "escape from the present", so actually, I shouldn't. I sent my application to an activist group, it would be only 4-5 hours a week; I'm waiting for their reply now.

    I wish you a lot of strength and success!

    Shady likes this.
  4. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Tomorrow is day 35 without orgasm, meaning that I will have accomplished 5 weeks out of the 20! Really good news, even though it is still only the one quarter and it is only few days longer than my previous two streaks.
    Yesterday we had a bit of sex with my gf, and I had almost a full-blown erection (90-95%). It was only some manual and oral fun, but despite my erection, I couldn't perform because of PE. MY pelvic muscles are so tense that within a couple of seconds I feel that I would ejaculate. I didn't use any ED medication, but last time cialis didn't help me to prolong the time... It sucks, I will have to start to train my muscle memory (so to start edging), but I'm pretty much worried that it will ruin all my results s I would edge while fantasizing.
    The other problem is that I still couldn't stop M-ing. Before sleeping I take some 5-htp+l-theanine, so F-ing is minimal (bc I fall asleep :) ), but while taking the shower, I cannot resist touching myself. After each shower, I feel the tension in my pelvic area, so I know that it's really harmful. Probably this is one of the causes of my PE. I don't know how to stop. Tomorrow, I will start my "chewing gum therapy": chew a gum while taking shower that reminds me not to masturbate.
    The third problem is health-related. In the spring, my hair started to fall out. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto (an autoimmune thyroid disease), this is why I stopped smoking and, subsequently, was successful in stopping O-ing as well (the self-efficacy trick :D ). Also did some research on Google Scholar (physicians are just simply fucking useless) and I calculated the appropriate dosage of the appropriate supplements to reverse the process. However, my hair is still falling out and salp my itches as hell. It is terrifying and painful, and I don't know what to do about it. But I will beat it as well.
    Tomorrow I will paste my second post from 2016 to see how things were going 4 years ago. I think contrasting the two blogs helps me distance my present self from my past self. It helps construct a new identity built on self-control, success, and pride instead of sadness, relapses, and lack of outlook.
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2021
  5. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Bad news. I'm just over a serious P-slip. I didn't watch serious P (some of you might consider it a P-sub), but I realized that Twitter is full of P.... I think I spent over 1 hour with nudes & short vids. Moreover, it is not the first time, in the past days I checked some accounts of a couple of sex workers (my gf read a bookchapter from an ex-SW so I followed her and then...). As my main goal is to be O free for 20 weeks, I won't set back my timer. Also, I would experience it as a total collapse. Nevertheless, I think that this self-indulgence was some sort of self-rewarding after my long streak. Therefore, now I will set up a second counter here.
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2020
  6. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Bad news... I just slipped as fuck, luckily not with my main goal which is being O-free for 20 weeks and not with serious P, but still... I realized that Twitter is full of porn. To be honest to myself, I already looked up some profiles of sex-workers in the past days (my GF read a book chapter from an ex-SW and I started to follow her account). Today I spent more than an hour on nudes and short vids. It's a shame: recently, I felt that P is disgusting and I don't need it at all. I'm kinda sad and anxious now. But I won't let it destroy me.
    Instead of setting back my timer (that primarily tracks my O-free period), which would have a devastating effect on my state of mind, I will set up a new one. As of today, I spent 77 days without P, but today is day 0 again. On my original counter, today is day 34: I'm O free for 34 days, and it's still an impressive achievement.
    My slip may have been a chasing effect after the short sex yesterday... but it's not. Even before it I was looking at these SW accounts, so I won't blame it on sex. This self-indulgence is a result of unconsciously rewarding myself for being PO-free for so long. I must not do it again. Yes, I've accomplished a lot already, but I still have a lot to do as I'm still unable to have proper sex. I'm horny s fuck but I should divert my thought from it instead of intensifying them.
    Actually, I don't know why, but I didn't really have a flatline. In the past five weeks, there were some days when I didn't have libido, but not even a contiguous 3-day period... It might be because I touch myself almost every day. I don't know what to do. I must increase my 5-HTP dosage to 2-3 a day: it's not addictive or really harmful, but I don't wanna rely on a substance. However, I must find ways to stop M-ing and to stop rewarding myself for not O-ing. I'm worried, but writing about all this shit helped me a lot. Twitter is as dangerous as the other parts of the internet. Interestingly, although I have OpenDNS installed, I don' use it anymore; I have used my willpower not to open any P sites. I don't know why Twitter porn is judged as "allowed" in my mind. I must change it.
    And the last thing: I must take up meditation again. My GF told me a lot of times to start it again and I said yes, but actually, all the time, I heard the devil inside me saying 'not today'. Today is the first day, I have to restart it. And I must promise myself that I will use Twitter either in a responsible way or I will block it somehow. To be on the safe side, I will try to block it with another blocker (which can be easily got around, just like OpenDNS) for a couple of days. After like two weeks, I can feel again how weak I am and how strong this disgusting addiction of mine is. I might not be completely responsible for it, but I am responsible for beating it.
  7. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    ooops, I thought my first entry disappeared.
  8. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    My pain in my pubic area is unbearable, my dick shrank. I already took a muscle relaxer pill, but I'm suffering like hell.
    Although I know that punishment never works, only positive reinforcement, I still hope that this pain will come back to my mind any time I'm considering watching some P. Unfortunately, I know that it won't. I'm so fucking stupid, I'm so fucking lame, so fucking weak.
    But to be optimistic: I didn't waste my semen, I didn't fuck up my brain with an endorphin rush, and, I had an almost perfect erection yesterday. I should check tomorrow and the days after it if my dick is still working. And I must stop any sort of M. I must stop lying to myself.
  9. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Giving up P, F, M, or O is different from giving up drugs. I stopped using drugs. I radically decreased the number of cigarettes (it was a month-long period) and I haven't smoked any for 4 months. I drank my last wine on the 30th of August. There is one process: I stop and it's getting easier, sometimes more difficult, but I know that it will last 5 minutes, then it's gonna be easier again. But I cannot stop fantasizing and masturbating in the same way. It's not a process, it's a process in a process. I try and fail. I try again, fail in some domains (e.g. no P) but win in others (no O). I try to frame it in a way that is not totally lying to yourself, but not completely true either ("okay, I did this, but I still didn't do that..."). Then I try again and you succeed without a failure for a longer period. But I fail again. These processes grow longer and constitute a longer process.
    With smoking, it wasn't like this. There were a lot of failures and there was (is) one "success", one process of quitting. For more than a decade, I just couldn't stop it at all. In the morning, I decided to quit smoking, and when 3 AM I still couldn't fall asleep, I smoked a cigi. I think that I couldn't even resist for 24 hours. And I couldn't imagine giving up smoking in the same way I do it with P, M, & O. Quitting for 30 days, then smoke a cigarette, then not smoking for another 2 months, then smoking some...
    But maybe I'm wrong and the case with M is exactly the same. As I failed with smoking for so long, I'm failing now with F & M, and someday I can quit it completely. But I've been trying to stop it for 6 years now. And I'm totally devastated. The harm caused by smoking, drinking, and drugs together is incomparable to the one caused by F, P, M, and O. These four made me a disgusting person who hurts others and himself. I lost so many opportunities to learn things, to become friends with nice people, to have extraordinary love life and sex, hobbies, jobs, reputation...
    Anyways. Yesterday and today I meditated, this morning I M'ed, but tonight I managed not to start F-ing under the bath.

    35 days O-free
    1 day P-free
    0 day M-free
    0 day F-free.
  10. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Yesterday, I just surpassed day 40 without O, but I know that I'm not doing it in the right way. I'm F-ing & M-ing almost every day; M is a stress relief type of coping (e.g. when I have to read 50 pages and I have one hour to do it, I just start touching myself...), and F is escaping from my past and present. My past is a history of missed opportunities and shameful acts. A couple of weeks ago I talked to my therapist about it and about how is it possible to mourn for your own past that you fucked up and that didn't really happen. Nevertheless, we didn't have any conclusions that could help me mitigate this problem. Therefore, it is still a question how to stop this behavior that is definitely hindering my reboot. My plan is to be O-free for 140 days (20 weeks) and 40 already done... To be 90 days P, F, M, & O free, I have a bit more than a week to figure it out... If anyone reads it: Are you completely "touching"-free in your reboot? Don't you fantasize at all? If so, how do you do it? I found only this one but I cannot really implement it (yet).

    So when I started this blog, I promised myself that I'd paste my old posts from 2016-7. Here is the second post:

    "Day 11.
    Yesterday I smoked 5 cigarettes, I had some weed, but really tiny.
    I did a short Kegel in the morning (6-7 mins) and a long one in the evening (15-20 mins)
    I slept 5-6 hours.
    I took 40 microgram vitamin D,25 mg Zinc, 2*500 mg Griffonia 10:1, 2 fish oil capsules, Goyi berries, Ashwagandha (500 mg Withania somnifera, 25 mg Whitanoloides)
    I did no sports
    I didn´t learn anything new.

    My dick is still small and ugly (I overused it, so it´s somewhat deformed and there are small scars on it) No big cravings, however if I close my eyes I immediately start with sexual fantasies. It has been like this for 20-25 years, almost every fucking time I close my eyes. I urgently have to start meditation.
    I have to cuddle more with my gf, bc allegedly oxytocine helps us to regain our power, but I´m really tired when we go to bed, and I prefer sleeping [​IMG]

    I evolved to a really bad person due to my anxiety, lack of help (I mean I didn’t apply for therapists, because it wasn´t considered cool in my family and in the society I lived in). I even hit my gf (RH) 7-8 years ago when I had a complete brainfuck. I started to do therapy around 3 years ago, most of them were useless, but I´ve been doing one for a year which helps me a lot. I´m not that narcistic egoist guy anymore. But I wanna undo the past, especially with RH. She has a baby now, and we haven´t spoken for 5 years. She´s on my mind every day, and I suppose she never thinks about me. I will have to speak to her somehow, but I guess she just doesn´t give a fuck about me."

    Well, luckily no more cigarettes/weed. Btw, 2 days ago I drank 2 alcohol-free (0.5%) beers and one 2% one (lemon-flavored). I shouldn't have as I promised myself not to drink for 3 months, but luckily, it is still not a large amount. I don't know how to do the next 3 weeks (till the end of November) in terms of drinking, but it's already a really good sign that I problematize drinking a 2% beer :)
    My dick is still small, but I don't have this turtleneck-style anymore (only when I edge too much). And problems with fantasy is still present...
    And finally - my cardinal sin: hitting (kicking) my ex-gf. I cannot believe that I did it; I was drunk but I am sure that the changes porn and masturbation did to my personality is incomparably more severe than what alcohol could ever do. It is something that I couldn't tell any of my therapists except one... This is something that I don't know who knows... Something that gives me constant shame as well as anxiety. Who knows who talks about me as an abusive asshole behind my back? Who will humiliate me in front of other people calling me a woman beater?
    The fun fact is that shortly after I had written this post, we met with RH and we are still good friends. She's different and I also realized how she abused or traumatized me. It is really tough to talk to her as she already has two (or now already three) kids. The last time we met (mid-August) we had some sort of fight (we keep really distinct stances on the topic of having kids), but I think we still get along well. We spent 5-6 really important years in our lives together; it is something that cannot be erased easily.
  11. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    I quit smoking 130 days ago and still feel the urge to smoke every day. It means that I'm way more addicted to smoking than to P, hahaha. But this feeling in my chest is pretty fucked up. Yesterday, I basically couldn't do anything useful (except from helping an old lady in the supermarket to choose the right cheese :D ) due to this dopamine deprivation. At the same time, I think that if I just lighted a cigarette, inhaling the smoke would feel pretty disgusting. It's an awkward ambivalent feeling.

    42 days without O. MY sleep quality is getting worse. WTF??? It's not fair. When I gave up smoking & coffee (this latter I started to have again lately, although way less than what I used to take), I started to sleep incomparably better, but in the past 2-3 weeks, it's horrible. And it's not like I wake up for urges, I just toss and tumble in my bed all night. It's pretty scary because we all know how sleep deprivation directly leads to relapses... I'm taking 5-HTP & L-theanine before going to bed; it helps me shorten the F-ing period before falling asleep, but I still wake up a million times almost every night.

    Stopping F is still an issue. I read more about it and it doesn't seem impossible, but it is definitely the toughest part of rewiring.
    I started meditating again (I asked my GF to push me towards meditation), but I have so many unfinished tasks that I just cannot focus. I gotta finish 3-4 things (e.g. finishing papers, sending out emails to people I haven't contacted for months...) so that I can have better quality meditation.

    Around 2 years ago, I started to feel some pain in one of my dorsal vertebrae. Lately, it started getting worse - I'm afraid that it's due to weightlifting. Hence, I started to jog again and waiting for a better covid situation to be able to go to a doc/physiotherapist. Nevertheless, be it weightlifting or jogging, I started to gain weight - I don't know if these are the COVID kilos or it's simply aging, but it's pretty ugly. Although it's not that serious, I don't feel control over it. In the last two months, my sugar intake was confined to 100% fruit juice - this month I started not to pay attention to it because all the dopa withdrawal (P, O, cigarette, alcohol, sugar) was just too much. However, it seems that now it's worse or at least as terrible as before, so probably sugar &carbohydrates don't help mitigating withdrawal symptoms, they only help growing an ugly belly.

    Anyways, the sense of success started to fade away, or just got normalized. I don't feel the difference between reaching 30 days or 40 days, and it is quite scary. Should I come up with new goals? Wouldn't it overwhelm me? I already have a lot of incomplete stuff in my life (e.g. I should finish my thesis) and I don't feel the power to do it. I need some motivation and just simply not O-ing is not something that gives me a sense of power. It's difficult not to do it, but it does not constitute a real achievement coming from actually doing something.
  12. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Shame kept me away, but now I'm back. I had an ejaculation on day 43 with my GF. Since then I've been trying and failing. I jerked off the day after, afterwards I had 22 days with no O, but I watched P several times. My goal was to come back here on day 43 again (probably to escape from the shame I feel about myself), but it didn't work out. It's day 0 again.
    I must come back here. Tomorrow I'm going to my therapist, it's gonna be tough to tell all these things (I mean to say out loud to myself what a loser I am), especially that he doesn't view relapse as horrible as it is actually (I haven't seen any therapist who took it as seriously as it is).
    I started to drink again in mid-November (this is when my first relapse happened), since then I've been drinking a lot. From January, I will restart my no-booze life, but I have to be strict about it in December as well, bc I'm an alcoholic. I will try to set back my timer here as well (I don't remember where it was). I really hope that some members of the YBR community will react to it. I feel pretty devastated.
    Doper likes this.
  13. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    Good post @NewStart19
    I've been trying to stop watching porn and stop drinking alcohol at the same time for a long time now, and I've come to the conclusion that I should only focus on the latter, because the latter leads to the former but not vice versa. I'm gonna stop focusing on quitting porn until I've got the booze out. These two things are my only vices, other than that I'm squeeky clean. It's hard getting rid of your two BIG problems (at the same time) and being left with no dopamine hit from anywhere. I've realized that back when I had both under control for the most part I got rid of booze first.....It's more about the focus for me as well. If I've got the laser focus on quitting porn, with a semi-focus on quitting booze, I'll end up drinking then relapse to porn...lol...fuckin hell. And then nothing gets solved. I wish I'd taken this angle.....uh...a really long time ago. This is not advice of course....cuz I don't know what the hell I'm doing...just an angle.

    It does take some weight off your back though, cuz as you mention @Newwaynewlife , the shame will kill you man....I've been thinking about how when you drink and then wake up feeling depressed, ashamed and anxious, and then do this hundreds or thousands of times, spending a lot of your life feeling like shit, the obvious outcome of that is some kind of psychological disorder. And somehow I can't imagine life without THAT?....

    Anyway, good luck.
    Pete McVries and NewStart19 like this.
  14. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Interesting journey. Mine is similar in many ways, because I am struggling with many things: porn, alcohol, cigarettes, sleeping pills... Porn is under control, I haven’t watched any in 9 months. But for the other ones, it’s still a struggle. A general feeling of failure accompanies me all day, I have almost no motivation, and I don’t have much will. I can usually do my days at work, but when it’s time to have some fun in the evening with my girlfriend, who is a beast when it comes to partying, I am always off, not connected to the moment.

    All this to say I relate to you. When I was younger, I smoked a lot of marijuana even though it made me feel horrible, and I did it for years. What the hell... I am probably still doing this with other substances right now, it’s just that the effects are not as obvious, so I don’t do anything about it. I am just stupid, I guess. It’s kinda funny to write this, because I am actually a very intelligent guy (a kinda nerd), I am good with music and films and books, but I can’t seem to do what’s right for me in my daily life. So yeah, I relate to you. I am glad to see I am not alone in this mess, though I hope, of course, that you will get better.

    I will keep an eye on this thread. And fuck shame. Easier said than done. For me the problem is not shame, it’s despair. So why not, I will say it too: fuck despair.

    Good luck, and keep posting.
  15. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    It's so odd... I was posting stuff to this thread for over a month without getting even one response; to be honest, this sense of lack of support was one of the reasons I stopped writing here. And once I leave it, I get 3 insightful, empathetic, and supportive comments. Thanks a lot @NewStart19 @Bilbo Swaggins @Doper
    So I am here again fighting the same battle as a year ago, two, ten, and twenty years ago. Masturbation addiction. It's often spiced with some P, nowadays rather with more than less (I watch P 8 times in the past 3 weeks, it sometimes ends with ejaculation (E), sometimes I stop with dry orgasm, but the problem starts when I touch myself. When I enter the world of fantasies.
    I haven't progressed much with my addiction, moreover, I have drunk quite a lot and I re-started to use stimulants (mostly for work), although I haven't smoked for over ten months (after 18 years of chain-smoking). Nevertheless, I have been using a behavior tracker since the beginning of March, I have been visiting a therapist (mostly analytic) for 8 months now, and since last March, I moved back to my home country, so I have been forming deeper relationships with my friends.
    Yesterday, I had a binge, I watched porn in the morning (without sleeping at all, as I was "working") and in the evening (when I finally went to sleep - what a surprise that I couldn't), and I decided to come back here. I will probably have short posts as I feel that only writing something into my journal helps me keep away from my bad habits. But most importantly, I will try to keep away from all sorts of M, be it PM, PMO, PMOE, MO, MOE, nothing. I won't be able to be abstinent in terms of O/E, so I will have them with my GF. And secondly, I will reduce my alcohol consumption to occasions when I am not alone, hence, prone to (P)MO(E). I should follow the advice of @NewStart19 @Bilbo Swaggins, and @Doper and leave this substance behind for a long time, and I could quit smoking with a transitory period (one month when I was decreasing the number of cigarettes), hence this is my mid-term goal.

    @NewStart19 @Bilbo Swaggins @Doper thank you again, I will try to answer soon, but I have a deadline for uni tomorrow night. I will be awake all night long (with the help of some substance), but from Thursday, I won't have more classes until September and will have more time for myself.

    Thank you again buddies, stay strong and have a wonderful journey!
    NewStart19, Doper and Deleted User like this.
  16. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    And also, if anyone tells me how to remove my old counter, I will be more than grateful! :D
  17. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    DAY 0
    First day was a failure, I found some P on my laptop and couldn't resist. After deleting them, I started watching it on my phone (it has a 2.4" screen...) which I hadn't done before. M...P...M...O...E.
    But to be more precise, I haven't really slept since my last post. I took some speed and finished my last assignment for uni (for this year). I tried to sleep at some point, but couldn't, so I went to shower, and it happened.
    BEing tired and stressed are our two main enemies. Nevertheless, from now I will have less of both. Now I poured a glass of wine (I know, I shouldn't, but I have no better gratification, right now), and I do some self-care acts.

    There is no other direction than ahead.
  18. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    Yeah, being tired is my biggest trigger. I would really make sure not to get in the habit of watching porn on your phone. That is one thing I have going for me - I really don't understand the pull of doing ANYTHING whatsoever on a few inches of screen. And TBH, I loathe phone zombies and perish the thought of being one. And thus, I can have a phone around without being triggered whatsoever.
  19. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    I think my last post disappeared. It's odd. Anyways... The first days are tough, there were actually three Day 1's :D But the first 60 hours are done and how, hopefully, I will sleep and successfully pass the 3 days. But, tbh, as far as I remember from my hard abstinence, the first 10-15 days are tough before the flat line starts.
    I always start fantasizing before and after sleeping that is dangerous, but the deadliest place currently is the bath tub where I can't stop M-ing. Actually, I send 20-30 minutes under the warm water before I bring myself to have a shower (and also a cold one!). I don't know what to do to extinct the trigger there.
    Also, I've been drinking for 3 days. I met really good friends this weekend and our norm is having drinks. Well, it's mostly my attitude, but everyone else is drinking around me. And I have urges to use drugs, too (I have quite some mdma at home and some amphetamine that I often use for work), so I should say no for either of them. Probably to alcohol. At least for a month.
    Anyways, despite the failures in the past days and the uncertainty about being able to abstain from M, I feel quite OK. Tomorrow, I have to start working as well, working on my thesis, and on a research project. I should also write here a bit about my deeper feelings concerning this dysfunctional society and the droids that constitute the average citizens who try to build their fake identity from working in some bullshit jobs, from making a poor baby and force her to live in a world where there won't be potable water within 20 years, or from gaining fake status from anything else. So yes, I should write about some of my real problems, namely how to feel motivated in a society that is more self-destructive than any of my deepest addictions.
    From tomorrow, I will start reflecting on my companions' journals as well as they are really interesting. But now I gotta sleep. Good night and I wish you a lot of strength in this tough journey.
    Last edited: May 24, 2021
  20. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Member

    Slowly am I coming out from the first tough period. I'm O and E free for 80 hours. Furthermore, today was my first day without touching myself under the bath. I tried to work, but I have 5 different stuff to do and I spent all my time with one without finishing any sub-tasks. Nevertheless, I co-worked with a friend and another friend visited me, too, so at least I had some nice socializing today.
    Unfortunately, I still have some alcohol here, and I couldn't resist. I finish this wine (probably tonight), and from tomorrow, hopefully, I will be strong enough to skip a month. I have had quite some months without A already, but every time I end my abstinence, I start drinking over from the same level I stopped it. I don't wanna set up unrealistic expectations, but a life without any alcohol but with some drugs would be both healthier and safer (in terms of relapsing to P/M/O/E). And slowly, I would drive out drugs, too, from my life. What I feel is that I cannot beat everything at once, I need some "old-school" addictions until I introduce that much sport, meditation, and other activities on the one hand, and I reduce the level of work and other useless stress factors that I don't need anything.
    Yesterday, I had a talk with a close friend and I explained to him how I feel about prospects and the future in general. I feel that everyone just wanna obtain some status from delivering some "socially responsible/useful" jobs or, in the even worse case, just from their bullshit jobs. I really don't believe that in a world where it's 30ºC in Moscow and Nothern Siberia in May and where the Amazon rainforest emits more greenhouse gases than it absorbs it makes any sense to have "a decent job". Lol. Not to mention of having kids in this world... I mean I love children, and I also know that having my offspring gives you almost as heavenly feelings as sex & drugs (yes, I know that it sounds profane, but this is how evolution manipulates us :D ), but there is no more selfish and irresponsible act to make a kid to this world.
    So what I wanna say is that all this lack of prospects and lack of respect/hope in our civilization or society should not stop me from giving up my self-destructive behavior. I'm unlucky and I cannot manipulate myself into the "have a decent job, status, prestige, & salary, a nice home with a monogamous relationship" bullshit, but I have to stop M-ing for good and all. I must not mix my discontent with this pointless and hypocritical self-exploitative society and my extremely dysfunctional coping mechanism that doesn't allow me to have self-esteem, a sex life, honest relationships, enough free time, and, in general, a decent life.

    So day 3 is over, there are around 727 others to go.

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