IKC's Journey to Mental Health

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by IKC, May 24, 2012.

  1. IKC

    IKC New Member

    Hello All,

    I'm a 23 year old male and I've been looking at porn since.....5th grade I guess. After reading other posts on this board, it became very clear to me that I've been VERY addicted since my first encounter, and after a few months of trying to reboot, and failing, I've decided enough is enough. For me, the time to quit is now. So I decided to join this community and offer/ receive the support vital to this type of recovery.

    My first memory with porn was sneaking a playboy in an airport newsstand while my family was on the other side of the store. It then escalated to pictures on the internet, videos streamed from kazaa/limewire, then me learning how to get around child filters on the cpu, staying up late "playing video games" and browsing videos.

    I was socially active for the for the first few years after I started, had a group of friends I hung out with regularly. Then around 9th grade it was almost as if a trigger was flipped: my parents divorced, I was masterbating to porn daily, and deeply committed to online video games. I spent the better part of Freshman, Sophomore and Junior year at a computer desk, whereas I had grown up playing baseball and maintaining an active lifestyle, and my social life/ grades/ etc started spiraling downward. I literally had no friends at this point. I was fat from my poor diet, and I was barely maintaining a 3.0 average in a small town public school in Texas....yeah. During Junior year, for whatever reason, I started to break out of my shell, and by the end of my senior year I had a strong group of friends, was CONFIDENT, lettered in two sports, had my first real girlfriend and was college bound...but still looking at porn. I assumed my slump early on in high school was due to depression over my parents divorce, and headed off to college, still actively looking at porn.

    I feel almost guilty for this next portion, because I haven't experienced symptoms quite as extreme as some others on this site. But I did encounter some major problems during college, outlined below:

    1. I am an alcoholic. I cannot have just one drink. Since freshmen year, I haven't gone 2 weekends without a drink, and consistently binge drink....still.
    2. I've found out this stems from a severe social anxiety. Joining a fraternity in college, I was surrounded by a ton of new people all the time. Looking back, I've always been a little socially anxious. Whether it be from porn or not, which came first the chicken or the egg? No way of knowing now...but I get anxious around a lot of people, prompting more booze.
    3. I've also found out I like having sex. Lots of it. I slept with 30+ girls over the course of college, most of them while I was intoxicated. Was able to achieve orgasm with 25% of them, and it took a lot of focus/ they were consistent encounters/ girlfriends/ sober sex. Bottom line is that I never knew when I'd be able to get off, and worried about it constantly, no matter how attractive the girl.
    4. Didn't put effort towards my education/ future success. With all my drinking, masterbating, poor lifestyle choices, I had little motivation to exceed in anything. Grades were affected, opportunities squandered, and i got fat again.
    5. Picked up an addiction to nicotine in the process. Idk how that happened, but it did.

    So where am I now? I've been out of college for 1 year now, and I stumbled into a great job doing sales. I moved into my own apartment, and am completely self sufficient in a new city. I've made a lot of friends through work/ my apartment complex/ sports leagues. I've found a lot of success at work. I am generally well respected. I have a girl that I consistently see and enjoy being around.

    So wheres the problem you ask? Porn is still a part of my life. I stumbled across YBOP back in November, after a 4 month dry spell of not getting laid. Since Junior year of high school I've known porn is detrimental to my mental health, but I didn't realize how much it affected my life, and how addicted I was until I read the symptoms I had VERBATIM on the site. Opened my eyes to the actual problem in my life....pornography addiction.

    I figure if I reboot, and let my brain rewire, my social anxiety/ urge to drink myself stupid as a social buffer will subside or be easier to manage. In the past few months as I've tried and failed to reboot, I HAVE noticed progress. When I dont look at porn, and masterbate less, my confidence stabilizes, I take myself more seriously, have clarity of mind, motivation for personal success & health skyrockets, and my urge to go out and party gradually decreases. After just 2 months off of porn, I can orgasm at will with any female sexual partner, and while I have always enjoyed sex, I enjoy it even more now. When I say any female sexual partner, I don't mean just anyone. I find myself becoming more selective, and the quality of girl I attract changes drastically. During my attempts to reboot, I find myself no longer intimidated by smoking hot women, whereas I was prior. I view them as human beings and judge them on their personality and merits, not based on how much I want to penetrate them.

    In closing, the time to quit is now. I recently binged pretty hard, and I feel disgusted. I'm at a point in my life where I want to conquer my demons, and become the best possible version of myself that I can be. The first step to that is getting rid of porn. Thanks for the support you all have provided through the form of your own personal journals, and I look forward to sharing my journey with you all.

  2. IKC

    IKC New Member

    Day 1: Mid day

    So today is "day 1" after I last l last looked at porn. I've been down this road many times but I've never documented it...so here's what I've felt like so far today.

    -mentally drained
    -self loathing

    I do sales for a living, and in interaction with my customers today I have felt detached, and unfamiliar. I've also found myself day dreaming back to the videos I watched last night, fantasizing. It took me a bit, but I snapped out of it and the urges went away.

    Oddly enough I feel hopeful and optimistic for what's to come, though I know it's a long journey. Will update later tonight with the rest of the day.

  3. IKC

    IKC New Member

    Day 1 (again): Nothing new from earlier. Brain is mush, physically and mentally exhausted. But no desire whatsoever to m or look at p. In fact I'm very content to get a full 9 hours of sleep tonight and attack tomorrow....motivation is coming back it seems. Will be a long memorial weekend away from the computer, expect update Tuesday. Short term goal for this weekend: limit alcohol intake, refuse to fantasize about attractive women, resist any sexual encounter...maintain a level of complete mental control over my actions that could lead to m or p.

    You all have a good weekend and best of luck to you in your endeavors!
  4. Hopefully

    Hopefully Guest

    Hi IKC,

    welcome to the forum. It's good that you have these insights in this young age. At least it sounds as if you have the chance to life a quite good life right now. But you have these problems with the addictional feelings.

    I wish you the very best for your start in the new life without the PMO thing stopping you from living a healthy and loving live. Stay strong and give us a report how you are going. If you have strong urges, then maybe it helps to come to this forum and read/post something. For many of us the support given here helps to resist PMO while having these dark moments.

    Stay strong and have a good time!
  5. Elephant

    Elephant Guest

    Ikc, I think we have very similar situations and stories. I too just graduated, was in a a fraternity and had many opportunities to have sex. Please read my blog and i may have some incite to any of your questions as I'm in my 5th month.. keep it up
  6. IKC

    IKC New Member

    Thanks for the support guys. Elephant, I do remember reading your blog before I signed up....I'll have to take another look at it.

    Day 4:

    So far this weekend has gone fine....have been pretty busy, so haven't really had any urges. Found myself in questionable situations with some girls I know, but I resisted both, which felt great. Feels like forever since I last m'd, but in reality it's been less than a week....my brain still feels like mush and i am getting headaches more regularly. Overall I'm feeling strong and ready to keep going....no real urges yet. But if the past is any indicator, they'll hit me pretty strongly in the next few weeks or so. Probably if I strike out at the bars, and toasted and feeling lonely. Another reason to slow down the drinking.

    I find myself with a lot less patience for girls I have no interest in dating....i.e. the girl I have been consistently hanging out with is not exactly girlfriend material. Maybe it's just the withdrawals, but when I'm around her I get bored very easily now that I'm less focused on sex. I almost feel bad for stringing her along if this is the course I'm going to be taking, but who knows. Just an observation.

    Found a quote that inspired me, thought I'd share it.

    “When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” - Henry Ford
  7. IKC

    IKC New Member

    Day 6:

    wow. almost just caved pretty hard. Went to bed, and found my mind wandering back to an old fling of mine. Thoughts went from "I wonder what she's doing now" to reliving us having sex in the front seat of my truck, and other similar memories of me being inside of her. Definitely felt the urge...got rock hard without touching myself at all, I got that rush that you get when you know you shouldnt be doing something but you do it anyway....a rush that leads to empty feelings, regret and self loathing....that feeling of needing satisfaction, but you never can quite put your finger on what it is that will provide it. Almost primal inside of you, like your body knows exactly what it is, but your mind has no idea, and nothing you do/ eat/ drink etc fulfills that feeling. It's just...unfulfilling and depressing. kinda glad I got online otherwise I would've gotten off. I dont remember the urges being this hard to resist.....maybe it's because I always just gave in. Either way, this is a good sign that I'm mentally aware of the consequences acting on these urges and can resist them.

    Apart from almost "blowing" my first true attempt at conquering this addiction, my moods been up and down. At work, I find myself constantly distracted, and I feel almost immature in my interactions with others. I cannot focus on short term goals. It just feels like a fog is in my head, holding me back. On the other hand, I've been extremely motivated to work out and eat healthy as of late, and have started the p90x regiment. I feel a lot better physically, and I have more energy.

    Anyways, back to bed. I'll see you guys on Day 8 or so.
  8. IKC

    IKC New Member

    Day 13: IKC's Journey

    Day 13:

    So I peeked at P last night while I was watching the Game of Thrones finale.....apparently one of the actresses was a porn star, so I checked into it...yeah. I didn't M though, I so I'm not counting it. I find myself day dreaming about sex multiple times a day. I've been on edge for the past few days, and I'm hornier than I've ever been. But good news is that I think I had a wet dream?!?!? I woke up mid dream, thought I was pissing, but woke up later and was completely dry and no piss smell. IDK. I'm taking this as a sign that my brain is rewiring. Progress!

    Oh another thing: Do NOT do MDMA while in the process of rewiring. I went to a music festival, popped some, and I became ENTRANCED with the scantily clad girls all over the place. It was unreal how beautiful every girl became, and they all had banging bods (or so I thought). If you're going to do it, don't wear sunglasses. Sunglasses allow you to hide your gaze, and make it less obvious that youre staring at their half naked bodies, thus making it easier to fantasize and making the yearning for them worse.

    Stay strong everyone!

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