I was planning for a visit to my psychiatrist and discuss about the below things

Discussion in 'Erectile Dysfunction / Delayed Ejaculation' started by Mickeymouse, Feb 25, 2020.

  1. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Well-Known Member

    I have immense regret for I have relapsed again. I watched porn again and again on multiple occasions and masturbated extensively.

    I have addiction. The worst part of this addiction is that you don't need to go out buy something. You can do it when ever you want.

    I get irritated after doing that act. It drains me of my energy.

    My body also feels so tired due to excessive doing of this.

    I have regret for almost 5-6 yrs I engaged on that activity. None of my parents knew what I was doing. They have been always supportive of me whenever I needed them. But I did something which I should not have done.

    I want to be healthy again. I am not healthy I can feel from within.

    When I did the act my body was paining. My lower back my lower stomach all pained. Yet again I engaged in that. There was a time when parents of other fellow classmates always gave examples of me being the ideal child or student.

    I doubt my capabilities of understanding and learning new things as I have wasted some great amount of energy that a human have. I now remain a tired man with low self esteem. How do I overcome this?

    Can you give me assurance that whatever damage I have done with myself. May be I will be a normal person again. Perhaps I might not have a successful marriage with the kind of porn that I have seen. Porn has literally consumed my life. I was just watching a biopic of a surgeon from Pakistan he actually seem to have contentment at 46 in the way he spoke. He said he lost his mother when he was 45 and he appreciated the fact that he could be with his mon for 45 years. He also expressed his thankfulness to his wife who took care of his ailing mother in her last days and that he could never be thankful enough to what she has done. I cried when he said all this. I imagined will I ever be having a normal family. Will I ever be able to have kids. When people spoke that pornography gives you depression. I now realise why they say you all that.

    I am confused was it me who cried for all of this?

    Were these medicines. Was this the guilt of doing something which I should not have done.

    I don't want you to change sensival now. It helped me study for exams although I could not clear the exam. But still I studied.

    I feel it's a misbalance of neuro transmitters that make me feel tired for eg epinephrine noradrenaline will make me feel tired with slightest physical activity.

    My chest pains when I wake up. I read somewhere that it could be reduced blood supply to the region which could make one feel so. Although don't know the credibility of it.

    Confidence of doing anything is not there. Sighting previous practices I feel I have lost ability to even do a job as my brain became so addicted to pmo that I now become tired with even petty office work.

    I wish technology was not there during my crucial years of growing up.

    I feel alone in this battle.

    Just because of one thing that I did in past I am facing all of these.

    Some times I feel it's not a psych problem. It's a problem with non specific symptoms that doctors did not get right.

    If my tiredness and physical symptoms gets ok I would be ok. Since I was doing something compulsively and my body has a self defence mechanism it might have triggered some anti bodies against myself as in the production of sperm which is so watery now. The noise in the bones perhaps might be due to loss of phosphorous.

    I was watching a surgery a laproscopy in which they remove the spleen and i realised how delicate the human body is. While I masturbated compulsively even when not required I could imagine what kind of damage I have done to my body. Do you have any idea of any classical old physician who can treat sexual weaknesses. Perhaps the cause of my other discomforts lies in the treatment of this.

    Every day when I wake up and after I relapse I get thoughts what is the purpose that I am living for. Now when you hear this from patients mouth it's obvious that you might judge it to be depression. Fine but you are treating symptom. You are not treating the cause.

    I have to fight this addiction and develop a good reproductive system infact a healthy myself like for example the bone damage. When j extensively masturbated my body channelized all the energy towards producing sperms which was time and again ejaculated too frequently for the human body to balance everything.

    Because it was a full blown addiction dopamine was seriously effected. And after I do it now I have guilt just after I ejaculate but for some time I feel numb and calm.

    The medicines that I am taking are they ecstasy pills.

    I feel there is something I don't have. For eg if I have enjoy a particular thing I wont because there always is something that needs to be fixed.

    I m not getting deep sleep .

    I feel a kind of social fear when k talk to people . Especially when they are of my age bracket. I think perhaps they are aware of the fact that I did a lot of PMO from my face. Also some fear is always there in my mind like for example if I join a course will I be able to complete it or not always troubles me. I don't know if it's anxiety.

    I am not able to relax

    There is delay in thinking and recalling. Like if I see someone yesterday also and I know there name say a TV journalist. I will have to think for 10 secs only then will I be able to recall his name.

    I cannot get into deep sleep where body recovers.

    One has the motivation of growing becoming big or just improving I had that once upon a time now I don't.

    I have become so weak I wish somebody should have caught hold of me doing that. I would have been in a much better place.

    My buttocks have gone inside they used to be very tight once upon a time. But due to excessive masturbation I have lost a lot of flesh from there over a period of my addiction. I don't feel strong

    Should I consult a sexologist about the issues I have?

    On one Sundays I played badminton for some 35-40 mins. I got extremely sweaty everybody was asking why are you sweating so badly is everything ok? May be my heart is not able to pump the blood. Thext day my joints were paining. My pelvis was also paining. It should not happen to a 22 year old. I feel like an old man. There was a time when you maturbate and your heart starts pump a lot of blood because the very act demands a lot of blood. Imagine be doing this repetitively for over 5-6 times everyday one after the other just for that feeling of orgasm for over 5-6 years. Imagine al my body's resources just being utilised to this. And my body became so weak now that if I even do some occasional playing within 2 mins I will start sweating and tired. My body's mechanism to recover in the sleep has simply gone wrong or permanently damaged I think. Because things which would be on for others of my age takes toll on my body and I take some time to recover. May excessive masturbation has prematurely aged my body.

    There was this time when I body was getting so tired because of masturbation I was doing so regularly. And sleep used to come with so much ease on its own. I used to wake up with little energy. However if I woke up in between say for using restroom again I was able to fall sleep. But gradually my body lost the ability to sleep on its own. Even if somehow tried falling asleep my heart would race give a jolt to wake me up. This was all before I even consulted a psychiatrist. I would try to sleep but before falling asleep I would feel a kind of shakiness in my mind and feel somekind of earthquake is happening. And slowly this turned out into full blown insomnia. I tried to maturbate even more to just fall asleep I did not know that I was putting more pressure on my body. But there were days when I had to fall asleep after numerous masturbations just with excessive amount of tiredness. May be it was related to dopamine and serotonin that my mind associated sleep. And with this addiction your dopamine reward system is affected the most. You seek to watch more and more novel and pathetic stuff which might be so horrible in day to day life but it gives your brain a sudden boost in dopamine. I am tired of helping myself. I wish all this could end here and I could live a normal life like I did some 4-5 yrs back.

    Also my stomach has become so sensitive if I eat something i always feel like I need to use the restroom. Things thing becomes worse if I have to go somewhere outside. I always feel my bowel is not complete and I cannot focus. This Pmo has eaten away my life. Robben me of my youth and given me impotence. Please do not tell me it's a myth. Just to let you know again I was doing it compulsively for over 4-5 times each day even if I was feeling tired and for over 4-5 years.

    I feel like some other patients who have diabetes continue to have it life long. I will also have the insomnia for life long.

    Whenever I relapse that night I have less brain activity and sleep without much thoughts in the nights and wakefulness. However physical symptoms get worse.

    I looked at my clonazepam supplies and saw some 5 left and I realised ohb shit another time I will have to go through the suspicious behaviour from the chemists side.

    I feel due to excessive watching of porn and masturbating excessively i have lost immense amount of energy and I can never become healthy again.when I say extreme I really mean some extreme level.

    Why sleep is not coming naturally to me?

    I am worried about my future with so less amount of energy left in me now how will I manage to live a good life.i would never be able to do a job.

    I regret doing masturbation and watching porn for all these years. I wish somebody should have caught hold of me and told me that I was ruining my life.

    I was putting excess stress on my body despite of my body not being able to recover. I would go again masturbate. Imagine I did this for years. It was an addiction.increased the novelty of porn I watched each time. I am not excited by watching porn anymore. Somedays I would only sleep after tiring myself so badly that I felt asleep on my own. I was somehow getting sleep it increased to 10 hours in 2016 due to extreme tiredness. Yet I continued doing the addiction and eventually my sleep got disturbed. And was not able to fall asleep on my own. I started with escipra 5 mg and zolnap but I don't feel normal so doctor gave me clonazepam slowly I became addict of clonazepam.

    Should I consult a sexologist about any harm that I have done due to the addiction that I got. I have done abstinence from the masturbation for even 250 days. But I eventually relapse and binge watch porn. I no longer get excited to the extent I did when I watched porn earlier. It had changed by brains response to normal dopamine response. It has increased ita dopamine threshold maybe.


    What I want now is good sleep after which I wake up refreshed. Will I even be able to achieve that remains a question in itself.
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2020
  2. Guts

    Guts Active Member Staff Member

    It seems like you have a lot of hypochondria, and you're over thinking too much. I'd also suggest you try and get off the medication as that could be causing more anxiety as well.

    You might also have to hit rock bottom but it sounds like you are close, idk how severe your PIED is but if you keep going to the point that porn stops working you will eventually hit that bottom. Dating a girl and failing sexually can also help you reach that bottom.

    You know what you have to do to get this. Just stop watching porn. Write that down ^ and put it on a sticky note and put it everywhere where you are prone to relapse. Never forget your Why.

    And as far as sleep, if you can keep a schedule of when you wake and when you get up and be more active during the day that can help.
     
    Mickeymouse likes this.
  3. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Well-Known Member

    What does this mean @Guts?
     
  4. Guts

    Guts Active Member Staff Member

    It means you need to get to your lowest point. It might take a while to get there but you will eventually.

    You've been climbing a mountain with your bare hands, essentially PMO has been knocking you off this mountain but only to a ledge. You have to get knocked off repeatedly and hard enough to get to rock bottom. Once you get to rock bottom you'll find that there was an elevator there at the bottom all along, and from there it's smooth sailing.

    "Why am I even doing this, it doesn't even feel good anymore" is something I'd write in more journal almost every day last year and it helped immensely.

    You keep relapsing because you forget your why.
     
    Mickeymouse likes this.
  5. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Well-Known Member

    Yes I no longer enjoy pmoing. May be my desensitised dopamine receptors or my poor health.
     
    Guts likes this.
  6. fedmom

    fedmom Member

  7. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Well-Known Member

    I mean to say their normal levels are disturbed or else my brains normal have changed even if the levels of the nuerotransmitter is balanced yet my brain doesn't perceive it to be normal. And hence difficulty in sleeping
     
  8. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Hi Mickeymouse, your post is similar to what I imagine I could have written not so long ago in my numerous desperate moments, so I would like to help. Firstly, I am not sure whether a sexologist would be able to help you. In terms of helping you to understand your issues, a therapist specialising in the field of sex addiction with knowledge of porn addiction is certainly one option you can explore. However, therapy isn't open to everyone because it is costly. It is still nevertheless possible to beat this addiction without professional help. Many people including myself have have done it.

    I agree with, Guts, the priority first and foremost should be to work on quitting porn. Sobriety won't solve all of your problems but it will be a central pillar to your recovery and a happier and healthy lifestyle. Abstinence provides the willpower and stability to make other changes in your life. It is also only possible through abstinence to become self-aware of the themes underpinning your issues. To that end, your most useful tool is this forum. Examine ruthlessly the success stories and journals in this forum and try out the ideas that they advocate. That's how I started and that formed the foundation of my recovery, though it took me some time to get to the stage where I was getting lasting sobriety. I am not going to write a detailed blue print of how I did it. Everything I have tried I have recorded in my journal in detail and it is there for you to read if you wish.

    I will give you though three useful tips:

    One is make sure that you have no reservations to trying new strategies in recovery. Pursue recovery with complete ruthlessness making sure that nothing gets in the way.

    Two: learn from your mistakes. Look for the reasons why you keep relapsing and crucially write all of your insights down. Put together a workable strategy and write it down. Whenever you feel tempted these notes will provide an easy point of reference to remind you what to do when the cravings strike. However, the key thing is to keep putting it into practice so that your response becomes almost automatic and you won't have to refer to your notes.

    My third tip, and this is one of the most powerful tools I have in recovery, is join a 12 step group. This is something that is always frightening at first, but if you are willing to overcome that fear the results will be enormous. I have seen 12 step groups work miracles in recovery including my own. I know some really extreme cases where people have been on the verge of homelessness and suicide and they have been brought back from the brink and are living happier lives with their families. There is not a single person who I have come across at my meetings who has not benefited from the 12 step step fellowship in some way, providing they are willing to work the programme. I can highly recommend Sex Addicts Anonymous in particular.

    Insomnia is not an easy condition to treat. I suffer of it myself but I have been able to make it much better for myself as a result of research and the willingness to experiment with new ideas. Both of those qualities I got from recovery. If it wasn't for my sobriety, I wouldn't have had the awareness and willingness to significantly improve the situation. Sobriety has made it possible for me to actively do something about my insomnia along with other issues and look for answers.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 and Mickeymouse like this.
  9. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Another point, I would like to add is don't get too fixated on your addiction being the source of all your problems. It very likely isn't. I discovered this about a year into my sobriety, much to my disillusionment. You may find that quitting porn helps some of your other issues, but more often than not, addicts find the addiction is merely a symptom of these issues and not the cause. It is very easy to take to heart the Nofap success stories that presents sobriety as the authors' saviour, but remember that they just capture fleeting moments where the writer has felt optimistic. They don't tell the whole story and rarely give you an idea into the person's background. Yes, quit porn, but also realise that's the first step in recovery.
     
  10. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Well-Known Member

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