I want to change my thougths and issue

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by fatherreaper13, Nov 14, 2014.

  1. fatherreaper13

    fatherreaper13 New Member

    Hello, So I have a problem in my life right now which I believe it started with pornography/internet. I will explain my history, and then describe my problem and how it has been affecting my life. I do not expect to recieve an instant cure from anyones responses but any input is much appreciated. I also am interested in using self-administered aversion therapy to cure the video part of my issue. I also plan on using visual discriptions to inform you and because I've read that writing it down is theraputic(we will see).
    History
    I was born in the late 80's, and around my 8th birthday I stayed the night at a friends house. We got into his sisters clothing and dressed up for fun. I wore panties and mabey a bra(i can't remeber perfectly). 2 other occassions my mom caught me dressed in her clothing and I wore her clothing once without getting caught. That was the only instance of crossdressing for awhile. Around 11-12 i started experimenting with sticking pens in my butt. This continued along with other objects till to date. Around 13 I got internet access and in chatrooms begining in normal stuff like talking to girls and things with cyber sex then progressing to acting as a female on-line and cyber sex with lesbian women. I don't know where the thought of dominant woman came from but soon I started fantasizing about women forcing my to be dress femininly(I may have had these thoughts since my first crossdressing). I got into many chats and even a relationship on-line with a girl who would command me to do humiliating acts to myself. she would tell me she would strap me to her bed and force her bloodhound dog to fuck me over and over and make me suck his dick. This lasted for 6 months or so till I got bored. internet chats continued for the next 3-5 years. around 16 I stole a friends sisters linguerie from the laundry and would wear it every once in a while, eventually I got a dildo purchased and filmed myself. Having a girlfriend around never haoppened, I tried but never succeded. *note I'm a very normal looking rugged kinda guy who works on cars and welds and builds, so none of these things were evident to anyone. I move across the country after high school on my own and decided to change my life and leave that kinda fetish stuff. I lasted about 9months before I bought linguerie. Also where I moved they had a male dog and I had a few encouters with him. I hated my self everytime I dressed up or saw the dog and eventually moved out and purged. 6 months later I bought lots of linguerie. I started thinking I was gay since I had never been with a woman even though I'm attracted to them, and the only encounter i've had was with a male dog so I started posting on craigslist as a crossdresser. one night i finally met up with a guy and sucked and let him fuck me, The whole time I didn't want to be there and was think I half to go through with this to verify if I was gay. I told him when he was done that I wasn't into that and I would never talk to him again. I purged again all my stuff. This lasted about year. more linguerie and self pleasuring. Then I meet my wife and my urge to crossdress or think of fetishes left me completly. It was the happiest i've ever been. we dated for 8 or 9 months before we started playing with dildos on me(her suggestion though she told me she could read it in my eyes). Gradually the thoughts have come back. When we were 3 weeks from getting married I went throught some major depression because I couldn't let her marry me without her knowing what I was(a crossdresser) and probley the harderst conversion of my life. She was shocked but understanding, we talked for hours about it a few days later after her shock came down. half a year into our marriage i talked with her about female domination and she agreed. It was light and gentle and I wanted hard but let her work into it. 1.3 years into our marriage we went through a huge time of domination and feminization and bdsm but never as hard as I wanted. Then around 4 months ago I realized I was going to destroy our marriage if I continued this and I purged. I have not dressed in over 4 months thought we still do anal activities. All this relates to pornography because all this time I've been watching porn of all sort just about everything except for blood and scat play. I believe it has taken me to the extremes I have gone.
    The problem
    I love my life, I love my wife, I love our children, I love being a man, and I now my wife needs a man. Every so often a urge so great that I can't stop my feet from going towards it, is watching these sissification trainer videos and feminization videos on pornhub. I'll watch them and dress up and masturbate and when it's all over, I'll hate myself and say i'll never do it again but every few weeks it'll relapse. In trying to prevent this from happening i'll get either depressed or obsessed and can't think of anything else. It's affecting my work and life. My wife just came in while I was typing this last sentence and we talked about what I'm staying(sparing her the details) on here and that I want to control my issue. As far as crossdressing goes, I have tried quiting for years+ and never suceeded nor do I think I will. As far as I've read, the science states that crossdressing is most likely ingrained in you and really you'll never get rid of it, but fetishes are psycholiogical and should be able to be either removed or nullified. on a side note for crossdressing, my wife accepts it and even has fun with it.
    The plan
    I'm going to try aversion therapy. This will consist of me playing a long montage of sissy/feminization videos after consuming ipecac and progressively reduce and eventually stop masturbating. My ultimate goal is that I will not get aroused by sissy video and that during vanilla intercourse i can concentrate on our moment, not what It would be like to have her tie me up and pound me while making me suck a cock. My other hopeful outcome will be having the urge to watch internet porn removed. Any suggestion much appreciated
     
  2. badidash

    badidash New Member

    Hey - you still checking this? I'm surprised no one has replied. Maybe because of the dog bit, which is a bit full-on even for most perverts on here!

    Anyway, I just want to say to you: well done for (a) getting married to someone you love, and (b) forming the intention not to fuck your life up with this stuff.

    I have similar issues (not the dog bit though...).

    The whole sissy humiliation thing is born out of self-loathing, the sexualisation of humiliation in your non-sexual life, fear of failure, etc. Therapy helped me HUGELY with this issue. I still enjoy wanking in girls tights from time to time, and I always will, but it's not going to fuck my life/relationships up.

    You're lucky your wife is ok with your fetishes. But she'll get fed up / disgusted at some point, if you don't keep it light. So just keep it light, and don't hate yourself.
     
  3. forthelight_vk

    forthelight_vk New Member

    I feel sorry for you... but you are very lucky that you got such an understanding wife. Please do put your best efforts to become a better person.. your plan is good. But try practicing meditation or light yoga daily which may give you better self control. And also try spending a quality loving time with your partner, need not have sex, but be close. Just show your love to her. Over time your mind trains it self to to your wifes stimulus. Instead of taking medicines and watching your porn, watch it immediately after having sex with her or after masturbating thinking of her. May the love for your wife and kids show you the way.
     
  4. fedmom

    fedmom Member

    There's a thread in my profile for getting rid of these fetishes.
     

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