I Want to Break Free

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Anselm, Mar 21, 2012.

  1. Anselm

    Anselm New Member

    March 21 2012 - Day 3

    Hello Brainers

    I'm 25 years old, male. I've started masturbating around 12, discovered Internet porn around 14. I'm probably addicted since then. I tried to quit many times, without success.

    I've never had sex and I've never had a girlfriend. I am rather shy and reserved, I am probably known as an aloof person.

    I completed a university curriculum, but never submitted the thesis, thus I have not graduated. I have been working on the thesis on and off for the past year and a half. The deadline for graduation is in September. I am not employed and live with my parents.

    I discovered YBOP on Sunday, March 18. It was a great revelation for me. I was aware I had a problem in the past, but the articles I read really put everything in perspective for me. I realised that my fumbling with the graduation as well as the inextistence of a normal sex life is most probably caused by my addiction to Internet porn. Why try to achieve anything in life, when your brain is perfectly happy with only its nightly fix of dopamines?

    I decided to make a change immidiately, and thus I am on day 3 of the reboot. So far I am feeling well and shake off any nagging thoughts easily.

    The problem I currently see is with the web blocker. I am sure such a program would be very useful in my situation; however there are two shared computers in my household. I am quite sure I am not able to install a porn blocking application clandestinely on both computers. If I try to block only one I will probably be tempted to use the other one, so I think it's not worth the trouble. I am definitely not ready to admit my problem to my parents, so I can't just block both PCs with their consent. For now I will resort to willpower alone.

    I also have a stash of over 30 DVD-Rs. Getting rid of them would probably require to break each of them so I am putting it off for now. That should not be a problem, as I hardly ever used them at all, always prefering new stuff from the web. I now understand why, having learned of the Coolidge effect.

    I really like sport, and hope that will help me keep away from peril. I like running and I completed a marathon in my city last September. I also enjoy working out. I stated a barbell strength training routine recently. I enjoy 'classic rock' kind of music, especially The Doors.

    I intend to update this journal page to keep motivated. The plan for now is to continue the reboot process and get seriously to work on my master's thesis. If things go according to plan, in two or three months I will have the diploma in my pocket and a brain free of the catastrophic changes. Then, maybe I will find employment and start to look for a woman in my life. I will be grateful for any support of this community.
  2. XmasTURbatorX

    XmasTURbatorX New Member

    Welcome aboard mate, this is definititely the right track, the right track to better, brighter and sexually healthier future. Keep putting posts here and you're sure gonna get support! We're all in the same boat here.
  3. james_992

    james_992 Guest

    Welcome my friend ..its good to know there are more and more people trying to kick the habit .
  4. casco

    casco New Member

    Keep going man! My life changed totally when i reduced pmo. Now i've decided to quit it all together, it will make my life even better!
  5. Anselm

    Anselm New Member

    Day 4

    Thank you all for your words of encouragment.

    So far I'm doing fine, with just some stubborn thoughts around bedtime, but I keep my hands on top of my sheets and leave my bedroom door open.

    A little motivational thought: your ISP is required by law to keep records of visited websites and possibly search terms assigned to your IP. Now YES, the ISP probably has a good privacy policy and NO, you are probably not going to be blackmailed or anything. But keep in mind that those records are there. Day after day of hits to porn tube sites several times a day. Maybe an employee of the ISP takes a look sometimes and chuckles at the number of pornsite visits. Just think about it. That has to stop.
  6. Kudos on trying to break your cycle man - this habit is some serious bullshit and worse yet to get rid of, but with your No-Fap bros here to help, you'll make it through man.

    All the best!
  7. Anselm

    Anselm New Member

    Day 5

    Woke up today without any fantasies and without wood - maybe I'm into the 'flatline' perios some people describe?

    Motivational thought for today: the porn industry hurts people. It preys on the vulnerability and inexperience of young women with the promise of quick & easy money. It alienates them from families, often ruining lives. This practice is ethically wrong. When viewing porn, you support the porn industy financially and therefore support their unwholesome modus operandi. You do it even if you visit free sites, since the operators get paid each time an ad banner is displayed. Such conduct is ethically undefensible. Stop today and never go back!
  8. Anselm

    Anselm New Member

    Day 6

    This is going better than expected so far, I feel no withdrawal symptoms or strong cravings. I can sit in front of the computer alone at 1 AM and easily ignore the opportunity to browse you-know-what, even though the possiblility is there at my fingertips.

    Week one is almost over, I expect more trouble ahead during week 2-3, but remain motivated. I plan to check in to post progress on a weekly basis, since it is better not to obsess about the reboot and just carry on with life.

    Today's motivational thought: porn isn't even that exciting. The unconvincing moans. The mechanical copulation, positions changing on cue. The unnatural staring right into the camera. The unending, unimaginative close-ups. No sense of drama or tension. Porn is just a totally boring in-out kind of affair - it's your brain that tricks you into thinking it's exciting, because of your neurobiological imbalance. You can live without it.
  9. Joss is Boss

    Joss is Boss New Member

    Well done keeping going Anselm. This is my first attempt since reading the Your Brain on Porn site, and the info there has really helped in this go round - day 19 for me - particularly around what to expect in the future.

    I like your two motivational thoughts for the day. Particularly today's (day 6): when I was looking around for ideas on how others manage this I watched a few things on youtube by a buddhist monk on how they stay celibate, and how they view addictions. The most useful part for me was in just seeing the thing for what it was, separating it from the emotional/chemical effect it has on you - with porn, as you've said, just some very mechanical boring visual stimualation.
  10. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Oh yeah, it's totally true that, looked at objectively, porn is ludicrous on pretty much every level. The problem for a lot of us is that we were sort of thrown in front of it by chance circumstances at an age where we weren't yet really sexually or morally mature. Plus, in a lot of the societies in which members here live, porn is totally mainstream, and reflects many of the central "values" of their societies. How are you going to escape it in these conditions? How are you going to cope with it when you haven't yet become an adult?

    What's so astonishing to me is to hear people from older generations talk about it as if it's just a total no-brainer that porn is so outrageous. Take a listen to this clip of Noam Chomsky talking about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNlRoaFTHuE (if you're sensitive to triggers, you may want to beware. I don't see any, but I think it might be different for different users?). Chomsky is largely considered to have an unrelenting moral compass in America, so to hear him speak about how terrible it is is rather interesting.

    It's just so perplexing to me to read people's journals here--especially the many who come off as being extremely intelligent--showing how they got themselves sucked into this garbage.
  11. Joss is Boss

    Joss is Boss New Member

    Interesting from Chomsky. I’m finding my view on the morality of porn changing, the longer I spend away from it. I think growing up with it normalised you get desensitised to what it actually is – it seems like just another thing to consume to make yourself feel better.

    The separation thing, seeing porn as visual stimulus, helped me as since thinking about it I find staring at something visually neutral actually helps calm my mind when I feel myself getting compulsions (I actually just stare at my wall – pale grey and featureless).
  12. Anselm

    Anselm New Member

    Day 7

    So week one flies by succesfully. I think my goal so far will be 60 days, or two months, of strict reboot. Of course the ultimate success is when I will no longer even think of viewing P.

    Thanks for the Chomsky vid, Psychosis. I find his no-nonsense approach to be quite motivating. However I'm not fully convinced by his arguments about the conditions of life, i. e. that women choose the porn-starlet lifestyle because they have no other attractive career options. Unfortunately, I think it is better explained by the values of society, as you pointed out yourself.

    A lot of women likely reason along these lines: "I am having sex anyway. I could have sex and receive money for it. What's the difference then? The difference is that I will have money! So why not go for it." Furthermore, there is the issue of how mainstream media promotes the cult of physical beauty and sex appeal, or 'hottness'. I think a lot of young women with self-esteem issues treat their engagement in porn as a sort of confirmation of their attractiveness. So, while economic situation, job opportunities etc. definitely remain a factor in the boom of porn industry, the main reason for it is the fact that values like privacy and intimacy have fallen by the wayside in Western societies. It's rather sad to think about, as many of the girls you see in scenes look like you could meet them at a university campus. Both their look and often their way of speech sugest a middle-class background, not a life of poverty. Of course I am the last person to condemn anybody and I think each individual holds the responsibiltiy over his own life.

    Motivational thought for today. I'm a non-smoker. I never even entertain the thought of trying a cigarette. It's absurd, it's just not a part of my life. I don't need it, it does not enrich or benefit me in any way. My goal is to be able to say the same about PMO. After all, it's the same type of behavioral addiction.
  13. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Congrats on a week. I'll be there after tomorrow is done. [High-five!]

    I'm starting to enjoy your posts quite a bit. I totally agree with your argument re: self-esteem issues in female porn performers. In fact, one of the more interesting arguments for a "patriarchal" society is that mainstream standards of "femininity" (which are as false as mainstream standards of masculinity, of course) are judged by the woman's willingness to submit to male domination (for young men it is submitting yourself to male peers, usually with overtones of homosexuality). This is explored a bit in that book I keep plugging called "Guyland". The author of that book discusses how hazing rituals for girls will sometimes involve them doing something for the boys. One example he gives is some young girls in some American school being pressured to give head to the boys--the meaning being that to belong to the girls' group is to go through a ritualistic submission to the boys' one. Indeed, how many times have you been out with friends, or even seen pictures of scenes in which girls are making out with other girls while the guys are all around? I remember reading about a study which suggested that, in the majority of cases, young female "experimentation" with lesbianism is done to receive attention from male spectators: i.e. it's really not experimentation at all.

    I think Chomsky's argument by analogy to sweat shops was less to say that the female porn performer is like the sweat shop worker in terms of taking that job by economic necessity, and more that, even if the sweat shop worker and porn performer truly and responsibly choose to engage in those professions--that's not an argument for endorsing the institution of sweat shops or pornography. But, to be honest, I have a lot of difficulty truly understanding this on the gut level, precisely because I think the institution of pornography is so mainstream in American, European, and other societies. So, it's kind of like we were born cigarette smokers, and just have no idea of how horrible the non-smoker views the activity of inhaling chemicals and slowly choking himself to death.
  14. Anselm

    Anselm New Member

    *high fives*

    Yes, the 'girls cuddling' is a weird fad. Recently, as I was cycling through a recreational area in my city enjoying the spring weather, I saw two teenage girls doing the mock lesbian act, in company of two boys. I gave them an exagerrated look of shock, which of course provoked them to double the efforts on bending and groping. Another time a girl was showing me some photos from an excursion with her university group. There were some scenes at a beach, where the girls where lying bizarelly piled up on top one another and pretending to kiss. Blimey!

    I guess some level of provocative behaviour in social situations is a normal phase of development of young women, who are hungry for appreciation and experiment with the kind of reaction they can elicit. I believe the reason they choose to do it by faking lesbianism is they are aware of the prevalence of girl-on-girl stuff in male-oriented pornographic material. So in short, this is another way how porn in the mainstream is affecting society.

    And why do straight men like the lez stuff in their porn? I think it's the typical drive for novelty and shock value, which hijacks the normal sexual desires of us porn addicts.
  15. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Yeah, it does seem like lesbianism as a male fantasy has become more prevalent in recent years (I could be wrong about this). I mean, you see it in mainstream (i.e. bad) movies all the time, and it's also become normal for girls to do it for male approval in the real world. I'm not quite sure if it's shock value that makes men into lesbianism (the way it definitely does for other types of stuff), but I frankly haven't encountered any other theories for it.

    Once you start trying to understand pornography, and by extension sexuality in general, you begin to realize how fucked up are the societies we live in.

    Anyway, I'll be starting on week two tomorrow, good luck on yours.
  16. Anselm

    Anselm New Member

    It's official: WEEK TWO starts today.

    Entering nocturnal emission country, according to prior experience.

    I have a new additional goal: to become an early riser. They say it takes 21 days to form a new habit, today is day one.

    Motivational thought: The hunger for porn is the kind that can't be sated. You can't have a look 'just this once'. You will always need more, more, more. Soon you will be stuck in a rut, just waiting to be alone in front of the PC again, everything else in the world be damned. That is a road to nowhere, don't take the first step.

    Keep strong. Next update: start of week 3.
  17. Anselm

    Anselm New Member

    Day 9

    and a quick observation. For the past few days I've never had the urge to touch my private parts. I've had the urge to view stuff. The thoughts and images that race through my mind are visual in nature. This symptom seems to confirm that it's the porn that lies at heart of the addiction, not "MO". That means that the cravings to display the nudies are not the work of the libido, but rather the signals of the reward circuits to comply with the behavioural addiction. We are not fighting our inherent sex drive here, we are just fighting an adapted condition of the brain, the craving for visual stimuli. It can be done.
  18. Anselm

    Anselm New Member

    Frankie says Relapse. Don't do it!

    I did at day 10. I'm not going to self-flagellate, just continue with the reboot. A lot of my suspicions where confirmed, the pornographic material felt banal and lifeless, I barely watched to the end of the scene. When it's done it leaves you feeling empty. This minor slip only strengthened my resolve.
  19. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    At least you know now how shitty it feels to relapse. I remember when I did it, the initial orgasm didn't feel like anything at all--and the subsequent attempts (chaser effect had me at "hello") were merely a desperate attempt to experience pleasure. "Emptiness" is the perfect word for this.

    Yet all in all, I think it's good to relapse, because now your unconscious knows you don't really need this shit; it's all just an illusion. You know the next time you get overpowering urges that satisfaction of those urges isn't the answer.
  20. Anselm

    Anselm New Member

    Aiaiai week 2 was a disaster. First relapse at day 10, then I got a nasty flu and I just couldn't resist 'comforting' myself in this miserable condition. The comfort doesn't last of course and when I'm done I almost hear a voice saying 'Is that it? Is that all there's to it?'. It feels so insubstantial and disappointing.

    I must return to the right path in week 3.

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