I want to be on my own but need to reboot too

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by schmadam, Aug 19, 2018.

  1. schmadam

    schmadam New Member

    Hello all, newbie here but I’ve been aware of the PMO/rebooting community for a few years and I’m finally doing something about my own addiction after a difficult year.

    It’s fascinating reading about everyone’s stories, struggles and successes and the support I've seen here is priceless. I’m trying to reboot (I like that word, it fits perfectly with what I feel I need) to bring back some of my lost mojo. I’ve PMOed most of my adult life – starting with magazines (Dad, did you really expect me not to find them under your bed?) and then progressing to the wonderland of fast internet. I don’t suppose I’m alone there.

    I feel like I've lost track of the real me and I want him back.

    Me #1:
    Until my late thirties all was well. I didn’t feel the need for a relationship. I have a busy work life, which accounts for a fair proportion of my social life too, I have good friends. Outside of that I didn’t feel the need to share my life, I was happy being single with PMO as my outlet. Overall I would describe that me as happy-go-lucky, humorous and socially capable.

    Me #2:
    Around 6 years ago, maybe more, I started to get a constant and extreme brain fog. There were a few stressors in my life at the time and maybe, along with PMO, it all became a bit much. It crept up on me and I can’t say for sure how long I’ve had it. I had a panic attack in the supermarket, everything became a bit blurry and I started to be more socially anxious. It’s been that way ever since. Those other stressors have long gone but I’m still foggy, mostly I’d describe it as a superficial anxiety. Inside I have no worries, insecurities or issues, I can think clearly and logically and I perform well under sometimes great stress at work, but the fogginess brings me anxiety at times in public.

    Me #3:
    I started a relationship in the middle of this fog. She was (is) wonderful, beautiful, funny, kind and has a healthy sexual appetite. She swept me off my feet away from my previous happy singledom. She was always very horny and I expected to be equally keen but, to my surprise, I didn’t have the interest or energy that I expected to have. I found I had DE and often couldn’t O with her. I could only guarantee that with my secret habit. Well, not so secret - I did own up to her that I'd been a regular P user before meeting her. We were together for a couple of years before I felt a sudden need to spend more time on my own. More time than I could expect her to give me, so it ended. I honestly don’t know whether it was PMO that led me to that decision or just wanting to return to my old self outside of a relationship. I was gutted to let her go but it felt absolutely right. I hope it was the right decision.

    It's been a year since that relationship ended and I want to get back to Me #1 but without PMO, just because it feels like that's the real me. So I'm currently on Day 12 of no PMO and intending to go as far as I can to see if I can beat the fog and the anxiety it brings. It may be that it's not been induced by PMO but I feel confident that a reboot will bring at least some benefits.

    Part of me thinks that I've spent the last few years in a constant state of binge+withdrawal because I tend not to PMO when I work away from home, which is often and for 5-7 days+ at a time, but then binge when I return. Does that make sense? Maybe, because of the regular short streaks, so far my withdrawal has been fairly easy but I also haven't seen very much benefit yet, here's hoping!

    Anyway, hello, that's me and I look forward to being part of this amazing community.
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2018
  2. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    schmadam likes this.
  3. schmadam

    schmadam New Member

    Thank you Libertad.
    I've only skimmed Underdog's post and will read it properly tomorrow, it looks like a lot of useful advice.
  4. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Welome aboard and looking foward to watching your journey.
    schmadam likes this.
  5. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Welcome to you. Glad you have joined this fight
    schmadam likes this.
  6. schmadam

    schmadam New Member

    Thanks chaps, it's good to be here.

    I'm currently flatlining, which I'm happy with :). It makes things a lot easier. Even if I want to M I give up the idea pretty quickly when there's no life in the old man. And I'm finding it pretty easy not to look at P otherwise I might find that would wake him up more quickly and I'd do the very thing I don't want to do.

    I had a week or so of apathy, lack of motivation and constant fatigue earlier in the month. It was hard not to nap at least once during the day. I don't necessarily put that down to withdrawal as I often get like that at this time of year. I work very hard most of the year and tend to have August off. The sudden drop in work (I enjoy my work enormously) does tend to affect me like that for a short while and this year has been particularly busy, maybe withdrawal had its impact too. I'm still fatigued now and not waking up refreshed but sleeping pretty well and noticing subtle improvements in outlook.

    Generally feeling good and only troubled by fatigue and brain fog

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