I want a better life at age 36. It´s NOT too late!

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by MarstonS, Jan 19, 2013.

  1. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal setting: 6 (365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 5
    Alcohol Day: 6
    Meditation Day: 6


    Today I'm grateful for

    -My home gym
    -Coffee
    -My online project
     
  2. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal setting: 7 (365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 6
    Alcohol Day: 7
    Meditation Day: 7

    Extremely stressful day at work yesterday so I made sure I got a long sleep after work. Slept for 9 hours I think.


    Today I'm grateful for

    -That It will soon be chirstmas vacation
    -All the free info on YouTube
    -My happy childhood
     
  3. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal setting: 8 (365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 7
    Alcohol Day: 8
    Meditation Day: 8

    Ok, I'm over the first hump. Day 3,4,5 and six after a relapse are the first really tough days for me. Day 7 I'm leveling up and start feeling a little bit better. The next level after this is around day 14...I know this from my many relapses before.


    Today I'm grateful for:
    -Clean clothes
    -Day off from work
    -Coffee
     
  4. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    I fell today...right now I'm feeling ashamed, frustrated and...very sad.

    Orchestra rehersal and I performed very porly (according to my own standards) and I also suffered from pretty high social anxiety levels. I got dissapointed at myself and, basically...gave up and relapsed on purpose. Now that's pretty pathetic.

    Rebooting is hard enough when we think we are able to stay clean....right now I lack all confidence in ever becoming clean....

    Sorry for the negativity...just had to get it out
     
  5. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    That's ok, that's what this forum is for, if we can't share our slip ups on here then what's even the point of this site? What's your goal with no pmo? Abstain for the rest of your life? I gave up on that idea when I realised it was doing more psychological harm than good, not saying that shouldn't be someone's goal, but just feel it's reasonable to not hold yourself to that standard. Seems like you're getting some good streaks, keep it up.
     
  6. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal setting: 16 (365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 3
    Alcohol Day: 16

    Got another band practice today with incredible demanding pieces to play. My usual worrying brain is its active self again...ah, fuck it, it'l be allright. The ironic part is that I'm not so much worried about the playing but I'm more worried about perhaps having really bad anxiety attacks. This is nothing else than fear of fear. But fear in itself isn't dangerous, so therefore I should not have to woryy about that either. Easier said than done though. I think everyone who has experienced a full force anxiety attack would agree that you can't find many things that feels worse than that.

    Haller_79, Thanks for commenting. I would indeed like to be free from pmo for the rest of my life but I can see the point you are making. And perhaps it is so that I'm inflicting psychological harm on myself...well, I know I do since relapsing often pushes me into a depression because of me becoming dissapointed at myself. I might change my goal further down the line....perhaps.

    Today I'm grateful for:
    - That the orchestras want me to come play with them.
    - My gym
    - Anxiety tools and tricks
     
  7. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal setting: 17 (365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 4
    Alcohol Day: 17

    Today I'm grateful for
    -The good night sleep I got
    -The healthy breakfast I got
    -The weekends with more free time
     
  8. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal setting: 18 (365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 5
    Alcohol Day: 18


    Tonight when I get home from the evening shift I may have urges after a stressful day. Then Iäm going to think about what I'm writing right now and just notice the urges and not follow them...

    Reboot and dominate!
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2018
  9. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal setting: 19 (365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 6
    Alcohol Day: 19

    Having a bit of tough times with anxiety at work this week....This usually gets a bit better after I have been 4 weeks clean from pmo.

    Today I'm grateful for:
    -4 days off from work, starting tomorrow
    -My youtube channel
    -My trumpet playing
     
  10. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal setting: 20 (365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 7
    Alcohol Day: 20

    Ok, difficult music gig this evening. For some reason I'm still strangely calm.

    Today I'm grateful for:

    - Good food
    - Free info on the internet
    - Kind people
     
  11. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal setting: 21 (365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 8
    Alcohol Day: 21

    The gig went pretty...good. Yeah!

    Today I'm grateful for:

    - Three days free from work
    - My livingroom
    - My mother and father

    Reboot and dominate!
     
  12. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal setting: 22 (365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 9
    Alcohol Day: 22

    Irritability is high today. Not much else to report moodwise

    I have noticed that I tend to procrastinate on the things that are more important and then I do a lot of other smaller stuff instead to feel that I'm doing something useful. This is totally upside down if I want to get somewhere. I need to turn it around.

    Today I'm grateful for:
    -It's not so cold outside even though the winter is here
    -My childhood that I remember with a warm heart
    -That I got a deep sleep this night

    Reboot and dominate!
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2018
  13. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal writing: 23 (365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 10
    Alcohol Day: 23

    Escapism to porn, or whatever it might be, has always been a way for me to avoid sitting down and just being with myself. This is nothing new but it struck me again yesterday when I felt very uncomfortable, lonely and sad.There are three things to do when feleing like that...

    1) Quickly try to do something to escape from the feelings
    2) Quickly try to find friends and some activite in order to not be lonely
    3) Be aware and sit with the feelings. Listen to them and just notice them.

    It is number 3 that I will have to get good at. I'm pretty sure that meditation will help with this. Of course I will also have to get better at number 2, and I will try, but number 3 is the thing that really will be a valuable tool in life's toolbox.


    Today I'm grateful for:

    -Christmas that is coming up on us
    -My trumpet website
    - Rebooting
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2018 at 2:16 PM
  14. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal writing: 26 (365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 13
    Alcohol Day: 26

    Stay strong...
     
  15. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal writing: 27 (365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 14
    Alcohol Day: 27

    I'm happy that it's Friday yet at the same time I know that means there is a higher risk for relapse. I will keep this in mind.

    Today I',m grateful for:

    -It's Friday
    -My trumpets
    -My father and mother
     
    Merton likes this.
  16. Merton

    Merton Member

    I also suffer from quite a bit of social anxiety. I wish I could make myself stop worrying about what other people think. I have found myself recently changing what I say in conversation to make sure I do not upset others. This is probably quite bad.
     
  17. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal writing: 28 (365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 15
    Alcohol Day: 28

    Another music gig tonight. It's strange that I got the whole day free to work on my projects but just because I have a gig late tonight it is like I can't get myself to work on these projects. Kind of like the brain saying, no, don't occupy youself with anything right now because I have to use all my energy for worrying about tonight.

    Merton, yes that is a tough thing to get out of our system. I have always been that way...however, at times, it do seem to be better...and then again it is worse other days.

    Today I',m grateful for:

    -That the gig tonight is so clsoe to my house
    -Only one full work week to go until christmas vacations
    -Right now I'm calm in my body
     
  18. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal writing: 29(365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 1
    Alcohol Day: 29

    Day 18 turned into day 1 and I'm not going to bitch about it. Instead I'll try the journaling method my brother Merton are doing.


    The roads we take are what build our life:

    -The situation: I had a stressful day with a difficult music gig in the evening. After the gig was done I wanted to reward myself with something so I decided to play some online poker with real money (only 11 dollars). It eneded up with me losing with good hands agains an idiot who run into a world of luck and beat me while I had over 90% odds on my side, several times until I was bust.

    -How the situation made me feel: dissapointed and frustrated. I went from high dopamine to low dopamine. What does the brain do when it wants more dopamine?....

    -The Action the feelings made me take: As I sat there in my sofa I started brows my search history and sure enough it didn't take long until I found stuff, which lead me to other stuff pretty quickly and it ended in a full blown relapse

    Where was the lie: I was telling myself that "I wonder if my last relapse show up in the search history."......"I'm just going to look in my search until I find it and then not look at any of the material"......after founding it and clicking on a picture, "I'll just look at a few videos without jerking off then at least I get the benefit from seemen retention"......after looking for a while "Ok, so I'm wathicng porn but at least I'm training myself to be able to see stuff without touching myself".....after having watched even more : "ok so now I have atched so much porn that I might as well just have a release and M.O".....All those things are obvious lies and it is incredible easy to see that reading it on the screen. I know PERFECTLY well that JUST ONE SEEK after some ereotic material 99% of the time ends with a full relapse....

    ... So the first big lie was "I'm just going to look in my search history unti I find it and then not look at the material" What a load of crap. Addiction brain giving me a big lie and I went ahead and followed the suggestion.

    The road I should have taken instead: When I lost the poker game and it didn't bring me the relief from a stressful day Ishould have noticed the dissapointment, taken a cold shower and then went to bed, feeling proud for being strong. I should have fallen to sleep with a smile on my face, thinking "roboot and dominate"





    Today I',m grateful for:

    -That I get another chance
    -No anxiety right now
    -My house is cleaned and looks nice
     
    Merton likes this.
  19. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Daily goal writing: 30(365 day challenge)
    Nofap Day: 2
    Alcohol Day: 30

    Today I'm grateful for
    -The good night sleep I got
    -That I have access healthy and very good food
    -It's warm outside
     

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