Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.
I've been bad recently. I haven't been trying to be good at all or to reboot. I've been masturbating a lot, except for one or two days where I made a deliberate effort to try not to.
I have not been meditating or exercising lately. I find exercising to be insanely difficult.
Also, I binged a lot lately, starting Sunday night. I know you're going to ask about the triggers, and I think I know them.
On Sunday morning I had a hard time getting out of bed, and I was caught unprepared for something I needed to do (vacuum my room and change towels). But I got up and had the towels changed anyway. This involved interacting with a man who is difficult to interact with, partially because he doesn't seem to care if you know if he understood you or not, and obviously speaks another language mainly. But this was a big deal to me. It's difficult for me to force myself to deal with life.
But I missed out on asking for the vacuum. I gave up and turned on the TV, and a show came on (The New Adventures of Old Christine), a comedy, where a woman already had a vacuum and didn't want to finish vacuuming the last half of the room. She even complained that she was out of extension cord room. Then a man told her that she had to finish and there were of course electrical jacks available on the other side of the room. He turned out to be her life coach. This pictured my situation almost perfectly, so I got motivated to do something.
So I eventually got outside and worked up the nerve to ask to borrow the vacuum cleaner. My timing could not have been worse, but I waited and got permission to use it ten or fifteen minutes later. Then I got to use it myself, too, instead of the other man doing it, which is a whole difference for me (if he had done it it would have been worse than not doing it at all). I didn't expect this. He said I had five minutes, then ten minutes.
I vacuumed some things that didn't need to be vacuumed, and didn't vacuum some things that did need to be vacuumed, and vacuumed some more when I was supposed to turn it in to him, but over all, I got my room vacuumed, and it really needed it, and I am very proud of myself. I gave him back the vacuum cleaner. This is how my life is. I find everything extremely difficult, maybe I'm making it up myself, and I have very little of my own.
So that was in the morning, and I started binging on porn at about 9:30 PM. I was very tired throughout the day, and had several naps, about a half an hour long. I went and looked up Your Brain On Porn, which was really, really good, because the Life Is Better When You Don't Jack Off article, new, really seemed to suit me, and then I read a lot of Your Brain Rebalanced and failed to comment a couple times when I probably should have.
I began looking up Internet porn just after reading a lot of Your Brain Rebalanced. Normally I find that difficult to do. This is how triggered I was from all that life events above. Those are significant life events for me because I have found them very difficult in the past and didn't think I would be able to sort them out, and they affect my ability to do well, because if I can't vacuum my floor things get bad in a few weeks. But mostly it was a significant life event because I went and faced life to the best of my ability even though I didn't want to.
Also, I'm sure that me not really trying to reboot, and being really, really tired made my significant slip (binge) possible.
I also binged on just masturbation, and then on porn later the next day, Monday (today), twice I think.
So that's the story of my recent porn or not rebooting activity.
More things going on
I also want to mention that I think I made a bad, way too needlessly blunt post to makebelieve's journal about his rebooting effort and wish I could make amends to that, and posted elsewhere to this forum, like to Fiddler's journal, without really thinking it through.
Also for life events I recently sent someone an e-mail apologising for something, which is a significant deal for me because I have strained relations with most of my family, and I don't want to admit that I'm wrong over anything because it makes it look like I'm admitting I'm wrong over everything, which I don't want to do even if I am, and perhaps I'm not. I think this had some effect on my porn session too. Also I wrote my mom, another person I don't have a working relationship with, a whole bunch of e-mails Friday, and she replied to a bunch of them, which is new for me, and somewhat emotional.
Also I got in trouble lately, Friday night, after doing something that was unwise, actually two things that were unwise, and I find that difficult. I can explain these two things too if you want.
Also a show about unforgiveness on a Christian church service show I watch that I had difficulty watching because it matched me precisely, I have unforgiveness in a big way just like it says, and I don't to forgive people or let them off, I really don't. I fell asleep during it because sermons make me tired and I was really tired, and I didn't really want to watch it. Plus I was laying down in bed on a pillow, obviously wrong if I want to stay awake.
I'm still feeling feelings of discouragement and don't want to try anything, or rebooting, and don't think I can if I would.
My biggest enemy still might be television. It wastes my life, destroys my focus, prevents me from accomplishing anything, and I think reverses my reboot (even if it's not to do with sex).
Thanks to the above posts to help with imagination. I think I just have to stop myself from imagining things to do with physical intimacy, sex, love, romance and sexual fantasies.
I made myself get into the habit a long time ago of imagining myself cuddling a girl to the right of me when I am lying down. I did this partially because I was really, really, really lonely at the time.
I also did it, later on after that, to force myself think about real girls and cuddling as a way get my mind right on Internet porn. That is, focused on just physical intimacy, not nakedness or sex. I don't think either of these two things was a good idea to do intentionally. That is, I didn't even think so at the time.
The best thing that helps me be productive is when I turn off the TV, pace and be really angry and rageful in my room for a long time, keep the computer and the Internet off, and eventually calm down and think of something to do. After I do that I can usually do something constructive, like pray or write or work on work-related things. Maybe even much later, after much deliberation, I can actually go on-line to write e-mails or go grocery shopping, or post to this forum.
One more thing I want to mention in this post. When I clicked on Your Brain On Porn last night, which I said really helped a lot, I did it almost as an afterthought, thinking something like, "Well, I'm not really addicted to Internet porn anymore, but I can check out Your Brain On Porn again, if only for something to do." But it was really helpful and changed my life for the better a bit. This is what I actually think most of the time I go to YBOP and get any positive influence out of it.
Thank you very much, makebelieve.
I do use story porn sometimes, but not normally.
I think I just need to notice that I'm imagining something sex-related and stop it and try to do something else.
My imaginings are really close to porn stories. They're basically porn stories. I think the porn stories I read are nasty, too.
I wonder if I can replace it with positive imaginings somehow. Maybe I should try to imagine positive things for my life.
Thoughts on imagination
Thoughts on imagination
I still think it's my imagination that is getting me into trouble lately. I'll have some fantasy idea, and I'll want to masturbate. This by itself would undo my reboot because my fantasies overlap with porn. It is also bad because I often get up and look at porn, or at least I get encouraged to do that a couple hours later.
I like what they say about Monk Mode in this thread. I have been thinking lately that is what I have to do. I can not intentionally have or encourage any thought about sex. I have to stop them all as soon as I get them. I seem to have missed Monk Mode discussion in the main thread.
This would be a big change for me. Obviously I have to do it if I want to abstain from Internet porn. I also have to do it permanently in my life, unless I'm in an actual sexual relationiship with someone I think, but that's too far in the future to need to think about. I think I'm going to have a hard time with this.
I tried this a few months ago, successfully. I think it's come back, but different. Also I have to quit it permanently, which I or my body don't want me to do.
More thoughts on imagination
I'm surprised two others have commented here on imagination.
This thread, rather hilarious, (optional) talks about the number of musicians on this forum. One post specifically says, "I think being a musician requires an active imagination. So does porn use."
I have also noticed a high number of writers and software developers, both of which require quite a lot of creativity and intelligence. I have read in a Mormon report about pornography addiction that some other people here have read, that anecdotally, it seems that intelligent people are more vulnerable to pornography addiction, because their own creativity works against them.
I also ran across a couple other posts that talked about imagination, but I've lost them now. I guess you just can't let yourself imagine about sex, or romantic intimacy if that's too suggesting for you, too.
Other status updates
I am not really trying. I viewed some posts I made 8 months ago and I realise I am seriously not trying. I am ashamed when I read posts by others, such as Fiddler, about how they're seriously trying.
I think the main reason I am not seriously trying is because I have to, and I just don't want to do anything I have to do, out of not wanting to deal with reality or childish rebellion or rebellion of any kind or what.
Other reasons for not seriously trying:
I don't have a sound plan that I think can succeed
I just actually shouldn't, because I could kill myself with trying in a vain effort, because I wouldn't actually be trying the right plan, I haven't got a clear, sound plan yet
I have some advice that says not to try something until you're sure you can get it right, this is to regard your self-respect
My main motivation is to stand up for myself. My main problem in life is people taking away things from me and me being unable to stand up for myself. This is everything from my talent, possessions, rights, time, self-respect and people. I am being steam-rolled by everyone.
The reason I can't stand up for myself is I know I am unwilling to abstain from Internet porn and I know that's wrong, or at least it loses me from moral authority because I think it's wrong or I feel guilty about it.
I noticed that after a long time of no Internet porn I am able to assert myself. This is true even if I have not decided to quit Internet porn permanently. It also helps if I make myself do a lot of constructive things during the day, like trying things to do with work.
So that's my main motivation.
My discouragement on my main motivation is it's extremely hard and I don't even know if it's possible if I do put myself into it.
Default porn-replacement activity
As it says on the Your Brain On Porn Tools for Change page, I am supposed to pick a go-to activity for when I get the urge to look up porn. Right now I have chosen to open my curtains, open the door and stand there and look outside. I can also stand just outside the doorway if I want.
This is very simple. It's usually sunlit and I can look at the sky, or often the stars if it's night. There's not usually anyone there, but if there was they could see me and I can see them. This counts as socialisation. I think it's the possibility for socialisation that works as an anti-porn thing.
My point is this simple thing seems to work. I can do it as much as I want, whenever I want, and if anyone sees me doing it they can't really say I'm doing anything weird, and I don't even have to put my shoes on to do it. Also I get out of the house and look at the sky a bit, which helps with the reboot.
In the past I've tried:
eating salads (it helps, if the curtain's open)
going to talk to the landlord (it's his wireless i'm abusing anyway)
exercising, such as doing sit-ups
I think I have found my default porn go-to replacement for now. Stand in the doorway or just outside and stare at the sky for a few minutes, until I think of something else I want to do.
Speaking of me not trying
I haven't been seriously trying. I know this. But I didn't know that I was seriously trying before! I thought I wasn't, but I was! I was doing really, really good! I didn't know that I was. I was doing way more to reboot than most people here. (In fact, I was trying way too hard starting too many habits at once, which ash.med's insight helped with.)
I was getting more of what I wanted out of life (better respect, better room, better progress, better time spent, better furniture, better food, less things not okay, less letting people down, less getting into trouble) when I was trying. I was probably trying way too hard, though, and trying myself out.
I never knew I was making progress when I was making it. It still felt like I was stressed and addicted and terribly unhappy. But, except for the stress and disappointment, I was much better off. This is what I am thinking about when considering another semi-official serious reboot, whether or not it's worth the stress and disappointment.
I still remember that I had very much improved real self-respect in the first unofficial serious reboot I did. I liked it. It affected me positively.
Future serious reboot
I should probably attempt another unofficial serious reboot.
I have been invited to a party in 16 days with my family. It is probably a big deal. I will meet strangers and family I haven't met for a while. It would make a big difference if I was sane and well and looked good when I was there, as opposed to being insanely skittery and guilty and looking sexually guilty, especially since there will be young (18-20-year-old) people there.
So I should probably stay away from porn and masturbation and fantasy the entire time. I have good results when I do this.
I think I'd reboot now just have to stop rebelling and have more confidence that my method for rebooting would actually work, plus I'd just have to accept the major change it would make in my life (an entire improvement in every way).
Internet porn addiction being like a drug addiction
I have thought my addiction to Internet porn was more like a drug addiction for a very long time now. I think I have to treat addiction to Internet porn as a drug addiction. I saw someone here say that it works best the more he treats it like a drug addiction. That's what I'm thinking.
I have to take it seriously. I think I need to have serious personality changes to quit the same way a drug user often has to.
I want to find some place to live where there's no high speed Internet. I have tried to get an apartment before.
I plan to have no wireless devices with me when I move into an apartment. (I will still post here but I don't want to explain how, yet.)
On skin tone
I am very sure my skin looks better when I refrain from masturbation for a long time. I am sure it is not my imagination or just a psychological effect. My skin looks smoother and has more colour and looks fuller. I just look more handsome. I like it. I really like it a lot, actually. I hope to be really handsome and have women love me a little more than they would otherwise just because of my face.
I am sure it is because I refrain from masturbation. Testosterone is used to keep skin tight or something like that, something to do with the skin. Testosterone gets lowered for 7 days if you masturbate, and I'm sure it's the low testosterone that makes the skin look worse. What happens if you masturbate more than once in that 7 days, does it get even lower? That's not a serious question.
My last post was earlier this morning. It's now 11:48 PM at night and I ought to have been bed a long time ago.
Almost all day today I felt excited and happy about positive things to do with my life, like I had a sense that things were going to be better, finally.
I was also very sure that I wanted to start another serious rebooting attempt. I was really doing that. I was resolved that I would not let anything distract me or stop me from finishing a reboot. I had an almost enormous sense of self-respect during that time. I liked it.
Even though I had only refrained from Internet porn for about 7 hours, when I looked at the TV I noticed (and was struck by) how very beautiful a few different women were on it. It made an impact on me. I liked that, too. So it looks like Internet porn rebooting sometimes has positive effects within hours.
About my excitement. I was thinking that euphoria would stay with me the entire time, and another part of me realising it wouldn't. I was wondering if I would still want to reboot after this excitement wore off. It wore off by 6 PM or so. It's still worn off. I still want to reboot. I still want to give Internet porn rebooting for 90 days another try. I had really big successes the last times I tried, and I think I made some partial progress, and I think I want to do it again.
I think I can probably leave Internet porn behind completely. The main reason I want to reboot is to get more in tune with reality or connected with the real world, and then be able to do things in there and assert myself. I want to win, I want victory. So, I think this is enough for another informal serious reboot attempt from me. This means no porn on TV or Internet, sexual fantasies, or masturbation, except perhaps maybe a little masturbation, for 90 days or so.
I think I should be prepared for when the demons organise their counterattack to get me to forget about my reboot, or give up on it. They will probably try to tell me that I wasn't serious, or that I shouldn't try yet, or that Internet porn is better, or that I won't succeed. I should make plans to survive that. I'll need to go at least 90 days without Internet porn if I want to reboot I think.
Also accomplished today
Read and posted to this forum in the morning
Received and sent e-mail messages with my family
Read my first good advice book, a whole chapter of it
Read my second good advice book, a second chapter of it
Practiced a full lesson of my typing tutor
Practiced a whole bunch of back lessons in my text editor
Read a stanza of a very difficult to read imaginative poem, especially because it was in German (I don't speak German)
Also did today:
Some pointless Web browsing
Watching and listening to too many music videos
Playing a new video game I have way, way too much, wasting hours
Wasting time in two other computer games, too
Partial solid exercise run for today
An unwise grocery run
Watched too much TV too
Cooked some food today! This is related to quitting porn for me it helps me reboot
Forced myself to get outside twice to do it
No meditation today. No paper journalling yet, either.
I have updated the first page of my journal to include more personal information about me and my journal, and also my profile. I ought to do a better job interacting with this forum since I'm serious about this, and I keep posting to other threads here trying to help people, and because I may need someone's help in this forum if I'm going to reboot.
Techniques to help with rebooting
I still think I need to volunteer as soon as possible. I also should move into an apartment if available and I can. I also need new filtering options for my computer. My hosts file isn't really cutting it any more, and may be blocking sites I should see, like videos that may be helpful that are hosted on Youtube.
I have to minimise my computer use, like I used to, and my TV use too. I also shouldn't listen to the radio for more than two hours in a day, probably one.
I need to meditate, exercise, pray, read the Bible, my scriptural Book, eat right, read good advice books, find something to do during the day (volunteering), socialise briefly, interact with others during the day, visit nature areas periodically, review YBOP regularly and post in this forum, read books before I go to bed. I also have to bathe and shave, etc. I don't have to do all of the above every day.
I am also going to follow ash.med's idea about adding in only one new habit a day. So the next habit added might be exercise, but only a little during the week at first. Should probably be meditating actually.
I have to face reality and the terrible difficulties that I seem to be having with everything, even though I think it is impossible. This is my greatest trigger, if I try to face reality with the terrible difficulties I seem to be having, I often give up completely and relapse (not relapse, just act out somewhat). This is the hardest part, though I think it might be impossible, and I think I should take it easy on it.
I should also follow TheUnderdog's advice and not break rule #2: not being too hard on yourself.
My counter is accurate. It has been almost 3 days since I last looked at p. or did any m.
I am still sticking with my resolution to do another serious reboot attempt. I still have resolve and I am still seriously avoiding p. on the Internet and TV, and m. and sexual fantasies.
I am not as resolved as I was two days ago, though. I lost enthusiasm the next day, but I expected that.
I am succeeding in doing Monk Mode, where I push sexual thoughts out of my head as soon as I have them, if I can. Actually I've breached that (Monk Mode) about twice, yesterday. I feel pretty lonely.
I have to pick up the habits I had again, and there are a lot of them. It's taking a while.
I have still not meditated and I have still only done half an exercise session.
I have also been playing this one new video game too much.
I have been participating on this forum a little more, posting posts to general threads and people's journals.
Two days ago I disabled my hosts file block for Youtube and Vevo and looked at some music videos, some of which were sexy. I thought it might be okay to unblock these two sites with my new enthusiastic reboot attempt, but no, it wasn't, I don't want to be specific. So I put the blocks back on.
Staying awake during the day
Going to sleep at night
Watching too much TV, having trouble turning off the TV and keeping it off
Still tempted to look up Internet porn
No volunteer position to occupy my time
Having trouble meditating or doing exercise
I keep trying to get pretty close to watching sexy things on TV without actually looking at sexy things on TV
I'm tempted to look up sexy pictures on the Internet, too
I think to make progress I may have to make things right with all my previous intimate or romantic relationships. I think any relationship where I've been sexual, or could theoretically possibly be sexual in the future, is a problem.
I think I need to contact these people and apologise or at least say something that alludes to the idea that I don't want to do anything sexual in the future with them, and maybe that I think I was wrong to do it in the past.
On the other hand, maybe it could make things worse if I contact them at all. Maybe I should ask in the main Pornography Addiction section in this forum for advice.
I still think this one strategy game I have installed is good for my brain, as far as rebooting. It's a small, relatively simple turn-based fantasy strategy game.
I see on another section in this forum some people doing Intermittent Fasting. I am a big fan of that idea and plan to do it myself. I might be doing it unintentionally, I don't usually eat regularly.
It has been three days since I looked at porn or masturbated and I am very proud of myself. I have been seriously trying to quit Internet porn. My counter is accurate. I have been taking real life action to do with it. Actually I'm not sure I have...
I came really close to looking at Internet porn yesterday, and I thought for a few minutes that I should reset my counter. I'm glad I didn't, though. It was just a few sexy pictures, not Internet
porn. I later added two of those sites to my hosts file block list.
Also I moved to a room where Internet access is intermittent. It is not constant enough to download video Internet porn. It's often not on at all. This is why I haven't posted earlier. I couldn't get on. I felt a lot better after moving rooms, but I actually haven't been meditating or exercising, or staying awake in the morning or sleeping at night, or reading books before I go to bed.
Some things accomplished
Still, it's a lot better than it used to be, and I did get to read most of a chapter of my favourite book I'm reading now.
I practiced the typing tutor program more. I'm getting really good at it. I type at least 80 WPM on difficult things, and that's adjusted for mistakes.
I have also gotten to boot my favourite operating system (Linux) with impunity, which I really enjoy.
I started a spreadsheet file to track my finances for this year. It's only got a few lines in it, but it's still better than nothing.
I have not been exercising or meditating regularly. I did not do so today, for example, when I knew I should have and had the opportunity to do so.
TV is still my enemy. I have trouble turning it off. The same with computer and the Internet.
I am in the same position I have been in before. Whenever I do not have the TV, computer, Internet or radio on, or am not eating or drinking, or am not taking walks wandering pointlessly around outside, I do not feel comfortable and want to do one of the above.
I feel completely surrounded by temptation. The idea and impulses to watch TV or eat high carb food is perpetual. It, more than anything else, exhausts my willpower. The temptation of turning on the computer and wasting time on it, playing video games or wasting time on the World Wide Web, or of eating high carbohydrate or fatty food, is greater than the temptation of looking up Internet porn.
More on Monk Mode
Actually my main temptation might be when I am lying in bed. Whenever I am lying in bed I try to think of women and girls I know, some of whom I have had previous sexual interactions with, some not, and imagine things to do with sex and sexual activity. I know it's a bad habit, but I don't want to quit. I have only blocked out some of the thoughts when they came up.
I think the main solution for this is for me to tell someone, such as a pastor or a good friend, that I have had sexual interactions with these other women, and in this way de-romanticise the relationship (bring it into the realm of reality), which should make the idea less appealing. I can also make amends to these young women, or their parents, which should help set things right and make it so I can't do anything bad with them again.
My other solution is to spend less time lying or sitting in bed. I spend a lot of time sitting or lying in bed. The bed is in front of the TV, which I watch a lot, and there is no room for a chair. I think I should use a chair more and maybe move the bed away. Maybe I should even move the bed up, against the wall.
To be honest, I have a secret here which I am hesitant to reveal, but here goes:
Sometimes I sleep on the floor. It is much harder for me to have sex imaginations or to masturbate on the floor. It's a much simpler environment for me for quitting masturbation and addiction to Internet porn. It also allows me to get up in the morning earlier, and sooner. There is little incentive to remain in bed, since the floor is uncomfortable.
The main solution is to volunteer during the day. This will get me off the bed, out of the house in fact, and should get me tired at night so I fall asleep much sooner. It will also help give me perspective, social interaction, social skills, natural dopamine recharge from actually working, extra resources, friends maybe, better attitude, emotional and spiritual state, personality, a better reputation, a re'sume' point, more opportunities...
But I still haven't even gone to the office to inquire about opportunities. I don't think I am supposed to now.
I got my laundry done, though, which means I can show up there in clean clothes when I ask about them.
I'm really proud of myself for not looking up Internet porn for almost 5 days, and for being serious about quitting addiction to Internet porn again. I have been successful so far.
I realise I was serious on previous reboot attempts, and that that was very good of me, and that they had benefits and did help.
I am still having really terrible difficulty facing my life outside Internet porn addiction, and I am not being successful so far, but so far there are also better, more positive, more interesting results and I am really glad I have been trying hard for the last four days.
I still haven't looked up porn or masturbated in 6 days. I haven't even done it a little. I am very proud of myself. I've pushed myself with a semi-erection into the mattress for a few minutes in total a couple times though.
I also keep looking up sexy music videos when I probably shouldn't. Music videos are one of my favourite things though, and often they are sexy.
I still haven't meditated or exercised since starting this reboot attempt. I don't know how to get on board with this. I have been successfully avoiding excessive computer use and TV watching. I have also been successfully avoiding porn on TV and sexy things on TV.
I think I read on this forum to follow my hobbies to meet someone my own age. I think it was about meeting a girl, but I took it as advice for meeting anyone. I think my lack of friends my own age is one of the main parts of my terrible unhappiness. I can't share anything with anyone.
But actually I wrote a post to do with computer programming, one of the hobbies, to another young person's Livejournal, and I really enjoyed myself. I wrote a little un-tested computer program in it. I don't think she minded.
I'm supposed to go to the volunteer place today I think, and see if there's an opportunity for volunteering to do things there.
It's been 7 days since I looked at any porn or did any masturbation. It seems like a long time for me, but I guess it isn't, really. I have been trying to be good.
I have been trying not to waste time, use the computer for no reason, watch too much TV, not to look at sexy or sexual things on TV, not look up sexy things or porn on the Internet, not to get back into bed in the morning to sleep after I get up. I have also been trying to face my troubles, be good, have social interactions, do a little writing, get outside, practice guitar a little, read good influence books at night.
I have not really been trying to meditate or exercise and I still haven't done hardly any of those in one or two months. I am really lonely and I always want to talk to someone, especially someone I have a previous relationship with (not necessarily a girl, could be a family member).
I think I am in a state of anxiety. I think this state of anxiety is making it easier for me not to look up porn. I am worried that if I get emotionally calm in a few days I will look up porn with little to no resistance and ruin my day counter as well as part of my reboot.
I am also worried after 14 days I will be stressed from trying to quit Internet porn and I will look up porn. This is a concern for me, too.
On finding some motivation
My goal is to do another rebooting attempt. I want to refrain from Internet porn and masturbation to fantasy for a period of 90 days or something like that. This will let me not have people in my family push me around. Maybe I will even be able to push them around a bit. I don't even think that's wrong. I think I would not actually do anything wrong and that it would be good for them.
I think I have a little motivation. This is my motivation. It's just for a 90 day-like rebooting attempt, though. It's not for permanently quitting Internet porn. My motivation is to stand up for myself in family gatherings and even push around a little the people who would be push me around. It sounds obnoxious but I think it would be okay.
I have put some thought into the idea of not ever looking up Internet porn again and some of me seems to like the idea. I have even been thinking that as a replacement activity it would be better for me to get in trouble with the police, or end up having to talk to them, or other people. I'm not serious about that.
On Monk Mode
I have been trying to do Monk Mode. Monk Mode is when I do not intentionally think about sex or have imaginings or fantasies, and I don't think about sex when it comes up, except maybe when I really have to. This is what I am doing to prevent my imagination from getting me in trouble, which I talk about above.
I have partially been successful about it. I have been dismissing thoughts about sex most of the time during the day. It's an improvement, but it's hard.
Last night I too much fantasies or imaginings, though. I didn't m. but I shouldn't have done it anyway. If I do that often I'm sure to masturbate regularly and set back my life and reboot, and probably look up porn on TV or the Internet. So, I was definitely wrong to do that.
I don't know what to replace my fantasies with though. They seem to have a lot of emotional meaning for me and it seems very, very difficult to give them up. They are also closely related to relationships I have, or have had, mostly with women and girls. I have already mentioned that I think I may need to give up these relationships.
It's also possible I could partially replace my imaginings and fantasies with something creative and intellectual, like programming.
My default "porn replacement activity" is still just to put my clothes on and go to my door and stand inside the doorway for a few minutes. I think I think this provides a small dose of reality and works as a porn antidote. Also there are often other people outside who might see me which provides social interactions, which helps remind me how out of kilter it would be for me to watch porn.
I also try to read books in the evening to relax before I go to bed. I should also try practicing my guitar.
The hardest part for me is still just keeping the TV off. I turn it on all the time and watch it for four to eight hours every day. Well, I don't really watch it sometimes, sometimes it's just on and I just listen to it, or I ignore it. I'm sure it's a distraction and it's preventing me from really rebooting because it's a stimulation, and there's a lot of sexual titillation in it for me because I think there's going to be something sexual around every corner, and there often is.
It's also a screen, an information overdose, and other things like that that make it like looking up Internet porn and somewhat like pointless computer and World Wide Web use.
I have a lot of stress in my day-to-day life. Everything is terrible. I am always trying to force myself to do things to improve my day to day life, such as contact my mother or go to Bible study, which is in a different city. I am pressuring myself to do these things and I think it is the main source of my stress.
I am also doing it to distract myself from Internet porn. It's obviously bad if I am mostly sitting at my computer at home. Perhaps I should talk to other people more and not pressure myself into doing things.
I should also look out for the 45-50 day alcoholic barrier thing that I mentioned before and Fiddler responded to[/iur above. I think I should do the following things to survive it, and get past that.
Actually, Fiddler says his barrier is around 21-25 days. I think I should be prepared for that, instead of the 48 day barrier, instead. I should ready myself for that on the 14 day time I think.
My original list of things to survive the 45-50 day barrier here below:
Continue with ordinary rebooting efforts, including:
Staying awake during the day
Sleeping at night
Short social interactions
Brain straining activities during the day
Time in nature
Find replacement emotional activities, such as:
Real life friends
Interaction with family
Employment or volunteering
Enjoying life and nature
Practicing a hobby
Carefully take care of my emotional state and keep an eye on it
Be prepared for it coming, note how may days it's been and be ready for the barrier
Still trying to look up porn on the Internet. This is triggered by my difficulties, how I can't do anything in life. I'd like to go out and buy something, particularly food, but I am having difficulty even getting out the door. I have to do intense praying, writing, working, etc... in order to get a clear enough conscience to go. I am very, very far behind on writing (logging, paper diary). That has a lot to do with it.
But I think that I will go to the relatively high end grocery store anyway. I need to make a grocery list, too.
That reminds me of a sin I did yesterday, where I watched this "reality" TV show about someone who had been in (relatively softcore) porn. I watched some minutes of it and it was really dumb. But it was still wrong because I'm not allowed to watch something sexy or sexual, or to do with porn on TV. The reason the grocery store reminds me of this is because that's where I think they shopped too in the show, only I didn't know they had branches whereever they were, in the States somewhere I assume.
Me on filtering
By the way, I wish I wasn't using a Web browser that had a private browsing mode. I need filtering, too. I have downloaded and registered for K9, but I haven't installed it. I have set up and taken off OpenDNS a few times already though. I still have the hosts file list in place for blocking more obvious domains, and Facebook and Youtube and other domains.
I think I would like to use Seamonkey instead of Mozilla, because it does not seem to have a private browsing mode, only a "clear private data" option which seems to be more restrictive than Firefox's. Firefox's privacy settings seem almost designed for Internet porn. Maybe they are.
Also, I am thinking of using GNU/Linux on this computer and DansGuardian (a free WWW proxy-filter for Unix/Linux). DansGuardian is probably better than K9 or any other filtering anyway as far as actually blocking sites. I could use strong passwords on my BIOS and Unix system in order to lock myself out from disabling DansGuardian, too.
I could also keep using my hosts file list (although it would be public, in a system-wide file and directory), and use Seamonkey instead of Firefox. I'm currently looking for sexy videos or porn on a Web site right now, which doesn't seem to have any. It's probably wise enough to not have any or at least block searches for them. I probably have to close the tab.
Maybe I can make it to the relatively high end grocery store after all tonight, if I can find out what to wear.
I didn't look up sexy things or porn yesterday or M. I haven't acted out at all in 9 days. This seems like a long time to me.
I think it is the state of stress that is letting me not look up Internet porn. I have been straining not to look up porn for 2 days. I think when I relax in life I will start looking up porn. I'm pretty afraid of that.
Porn I viewed recently keeps occurring to me during this reboot. It gets in my mind, the pictures almost show up in my mind, and I have to turn it down. I am turning it down, though, when I'd really rather not. Also porn from even before that is occurring to me and I have to turn that down, too.
I still think I'm in a state of stress and that's what letting me not look up Internet porn.
I just read now there is a section on Your Brain On Porn called Coping with Porn Flashbacks. That's what's going on with me now.
I don't think I'm really rebooting yet. I am still not exercising or meditating and I have the TV on too much. I am not in a flat-line like many people seem to get in the early stages of rebooting, including me. I mean I am trying to reboot, I'm just not succeeding yet, I think due to my state of stress.
I notice when I am refraining from porn and masturbation I want to learn foreign languages. I have a desire for French and Japanese, which I've always wanted to learn.
One time I was going to look up Internet porn and I cleaned up my room instead. This wasn't my normal porn-replacement activity, which is just going to the door or outside for a couple minutes, and didn't help. I ended up acting out anyway, but with a clean room.
I have caught up with reading my good advice books lately. I have also read a stanza of difficult to read poetry, at least it's difficult to read for me because I don't speak German.
[ Edit: I have also practiced text editor and typing tutor recently. ]
My sleep is awful. It almost always is, but especially in the early stages of rebooting. I can't sleep at night, I sleep too much during the day. I don't sleep anywhere near enough, and I am tired and sleepy and can't concentrate all the time.
Also it's dangerous because whenever you're sleepy you're more likely to look up porn, and whenever you're alone and awake at night it's a huge trigger to look up porn. It's less so for me right now but has been that way in the past (home alone at night and awake being a trigger).
I think that writing on paper will help with sleep. Also what will help with sleep:
Writing things out on paper (I know I just said that)
Not watching too much TV during the day
Avoiding pointless computer use, too
Turning off TV and computer two hours before I go to bed
Meditating during the day
Exercising during the day
Doing anything constructive during the day
Talking to friends on-line if possible
Time outside, or at least listening to nature
Anything constructive during the evening
Reading books to unwind before I go to bed
Eating a couple hours before I go to bed
Eating enough during the day, it's difficult to sleep while hungry
I don't think I can do half those items yet.
My counter is accurate. It has been over two weeks since I intentionally looked at porn or did any M. I am proud of myself. I really have gone 17 days without intentionally looking up porn or doing any M. at all.
I did do some substantial sexual fantasies Thursday night, though (two days ago). I didn't m. at all but I might have, it was tempting the devil. But it was way too much, and a failure of my current rebooting attempt. It was also a failure of Monk Mode. I think I should track sexual fantasies on my PMO counter.
I had been on a trip to my dad's for the last six days, that's why I didn't post. I didn't have my YBOP password with me. I think I should have reset my password and posted anyway.
Trip to my dad's and the party and motivation for rebooting attempt
The purpose of the visit was supposed to be for a graduation party for a family member. I thought I had mentioned this party in this journal, but I haven't. Anyway, this party was the main reason I wanted to refrain from Internet porn. It was also going to be a family gathering, where I tend to get pushed around a lot and didn't want to be this time. This was my motivation for rebooting.
So after hearing about that party I decided to do another determined reboot attempt. I have been doing very well, actually. I haven't done anything bad except the sexual fantasies I just mentioned above. I am also driven by determination based on the terrible consequences of two long acting out sessions earlier this year. I really didn't like them at all. I am hoping that this is The End, the final motivation for quitting Internet porn and nearby behaviours permanently.
Trip to dad's and success socialising
Just after I got to my dad's I interacted with his neighbours, there. I was fairly good socially, despite the fact that they're both really good at it and I'm not good at it at all. This was mostly due to a good attitude of mine and partially due to me having refrained from Internet porn and masturbation a long time. This was a long of interaction and most of it went well so it was significant.
I want to mention, the woman neighbour, older than me but pretty herself, complimented my appearance much, twice. She asked my how I looked so good and blew kisses at me twice and I blushed to the side for a few moments each time. I told her it was just from healthy living. But I think it was really from me completely refraining from M.
Actually I did this on purpose. I did this for selfish reasons. I refrained from M just so my face would look more attractive, so girls would talk to me more and I would get more attention from girls and women. I think M causes lower skin quality. Anyway, I'm not too proud of this reason for refraining from M and I think I should change it to something healthier or more moral.
The actual party
Back to the party. Actually, despite me being abstinent on porn and M. for over 14 days (which isn't actually that much in retrospect) I didn't do that well at the party. I'm not even sure I did okay. I did a lot! I met a lot of people and talked to them, and played chess and talked a lot about computers and programming, and met two people I haven't seen for a very long time who really wanted to see me, and I got several phone numbers and e-mail addresses, and I played social party games constructively. Overall I think I did too many weird and foolish things that day, but I don't think that's immediately related to PMO.
I think if I had been on PMO and hadn't been abstaining for two weeks I probably would not have made it to my dad's house, the city the party was in, or the party at all, and if I got in it I would have been extremely introverted and weird, basically too weird and everyone would have known
I also came away with plans to play chess with a family member, and contact information for two other people, this was very important, too.
Habits and things I did on trip
I did pray in the morning and read my Bible a lot, and meditated sometimes, too. I didn't do much in the way of exercise. Actually, in retrospect, I did a lot of physical things like helping with the disposal of things and in the garage and trying to set up this big thing in the garage and get my bicycle going and some runs and walks. I was somewhat active. A lot more active than I am here anyway. So yeah, I did some prayer and Bible-reading and meditation.
When I was at Dad's house I watched hardly any TV, less than half an hour over six days. I tried to get outside a lot, but didn't, really. I got to church for Bible study. I helped with chores at church Thursday. I viewed too many sexy music videos (about three) when I was there. I had no filters on my computer there to block the music video Web sites I go to. I tried to set up computer things but didn't do much.
I also ate a lot. I ate at least three meals a day, usually big meals. Dad gave me a lot of food and I hate a lot of his. This helps with rebooting because you're supposed to eat well, not just right but enough.
Also I got to with Dad on a trip to buy me clothes and I bought some much much needed clothes for myself and other clothes I didn't really need.
I also went on a trip with him to run an errand disposing of something (nothing bad!). I think most of this would have not been possible if I had not been doing another determined reboot attempt.
Trip to Dad's: Sleeping and vivid dreams
Importantly, I mostly slept at night. I never slept in past 10:20 AM or so, and I usually went to bed on time and stayed in bed. I think it helped that I was determined to do this, and that I had a lot of physical activity during the day and hardly ever watched TV when I was there. I did stay up one night to 2:30 AM, though. I slept on the floor most nights (this helps with rebooting for me).
One of the first things that happened as far as sleep was on the first night I slept there I had intense and very vivid dreams, almost nightmares. The first night I slept there I had so intense and long and vivid dreams I think it was two nights' worth of dreams in one night. First of all, vivid dreams are a sign or symptom of rebooting, and I finally had some. The dreams were long and intense and both involved being underground, trapped, and with huge spiders. That's why I think they were almost nightmares.
I didn't have many vivid dreams the next nights.
I said I didn't get any computer things done, but I think I was wrong. I got to bring home some very much needed (and wanted) computer supplies I needed for my computer. This is a big deal for me since one of them runs my favourite operating system.
I arranged to play chess with a family member remotely, and possibility for other players. This relates to rebooting because it's partially a success of my rebooting efforts, but also because chess is a brain-strengthening activity that will help with rebooting. Already I noticed it helping in just the one game I played at the party. I have for a long time now. I think it's close enough to Your Brain on Porn's Tools for Change article where it says to get doctor-approved brain training games.
I need to write more about what went on at my dad's house and my trip and the party, but not any more tonight, I think.
Also I have a lot of other things I should write about, including how ash.med's journal is really good and especially how I liked his idea of only trying to have or change five habits at a time, with the fifth habit of not trying to have or change any more habits than that at a time. I thought it was really smart.
This morning I did an MO, thinking I would do it just in the way people do MO because it's better than looking up porn. It wasn't so bad (for me). It was a lot better than looking up Internet porn, I'm sure.
But then I went and did another, which I don't think I should have done, and I'm not proud of myself. Both were to fantasy that might overlap with Internet porn, and is pretty much definitely unrealistic.
I haven't looked at any porn in 18 days.
I have mostly been good as far as keeping the TV off. Today I turned it on, though, and watched some sexy things on it at different times.
I have prayed and read my holy book, but I haven't really meditated or exercised, which are important and needed to me.
I haven't been sleeping well and I haven't had any vivid dreams, which for me indicate I'm rebooting.
My motivation still seems to be anger. I think my motivation is to be able to stand up for myself and even push back on people who want to push me around. I think this is my main source of determination.
Other sources of determination are the easier and simpler life I seem to get, women get a whole lot incredibly prettier, I have a huge amount less of anxiety, huge amount less of guilt, much greater ability to do anything, like go on bus trips or to the grocery store...
And another source for motivation for me is avoiding all the terrible consequences that happen when I do a lot of acting out.
More on trip to Dad's
Normally a trip to or from my dad's, or any other event, would be a trigger to look up Internet porn and probably binge on it. I didn't think it was guaranteed a trigger was coming this time, though. I thought, with my current angry determined motivation, that I would not even get near to looking up Internet porn.
I was right, I didn't. I did the MO above I think instead. Still, I haven't looked up Internet porn. Writing about the trip and posting about it here to my journal really helped though, but mostly I think it was just this general sense of determination to continue another Internet porn rebooting attempt.
More on permanently quitting porn
I keep mentioning that I am determined to do another Internet porn rebooting attempt. I am, but this is not the same as permanently quitting Internet porn. I could, for example, try for an attempt for 90 days, and give up, whether successful in abstaining or rewiring or not, and go back to looking up Internet porn again.
I seem to be a little more reconciled with the concept of never looking up Internet porn again, or never intentionally looking at porn again. I think I thought about it before I started this last rebooting attempt, and decided I was partially good with the concept. That's good, this is good, because I have always, pretty much always always, though Internet porn was an immoral, bad, foolish, stupid idea that was incompatible with all my values, how I wanted to treat girls and women, how I wanted to use computers, and what I thought was a good idea.
It looks like I've made a little progress in the area of permanently giving up the concept of Internet porn.
Hey QP, I just read most of your journal. I'm in the "40+" category but decided to look at a younger cohort group today. You have been going on this journey a long time my friend! About ten months if I'm not mistaken - that's quite an achievement in itself. Impressive work! Some observations if that is in order:
1. You have received some good feedback from your attractive female neighbour;
2. You are developing great self-awareness as to your behaviour in acting out at times and likely triggers;
3. You are having good success in managing and controlling your behaviour in more positive directions.
Now, I am no expert but it seems to me that your physical environment is a bit of a challenge at present because you are spending quite a lot of time indoors in your room (for various reasons). That can make it hard to establish a pattern for sleep and waking and makes it harder to set up new healthier patterns of behaviour. I am living in a tropical city where the outside air right now is filthy dirty from pollution and you cannot go outside without a face mask due to burning of forest fires in Indonesia so it leads to a closeted internal life where the internet is a an incessant temptation. Also I have no tv so I cannot watch tv (obviously) but instead I go surfing the internet. So how to control my growing internet addiction?
So the physical environment is a factor in how we behave. Are you getting much natural sunshine? Sunshine can help us to set our internal body clock and helps to relieve depression. Something to do with sunshine producing Vitamin D I have heard. Also I think that the whole thrust of this program for me is about SOCIAL interaction rather than S*XUAL behaviour. Of course the two are interconnected but for me (someone who has led a very solitary life) the pathway to s*xual fulfillment is via social interaction.
ON DIURNAL RHYTHMS
Just thinking about how having a bed in your living room in a huge trigger to sleep. Just ask any student who has to do an assignment how tempting it is to have a little "power nap" to envigorate yourself" before tacking that pesky essay! Is it possible to arrange the room so that the bed is not so prominent? Even moving your desk and chair so that your bed is behind and out of sight can help a lot. In Japan I know that they roll up their futon beds during the day and roll them out at night before they go to sleep. The act of rolling up a bed and putting it away in a cupboard takes away the whole temptation to nap. I also have found that taking my laptop to bed is asking for trouble because it is too easy for me to access P while I am laying on my bed.
ON GETTING THINGS DONE
As a person with ADHD I have used a couple of good systems for getting things done. 1) I write down a list of everything I had achieved that day. so I can include things like: + made a cup of tea + had a shower + got dressed + washed some clothes + took out the rubbish + cleaned the room for 10 minutes. If you count the small things as achievements you will be able to build up a list of at least ten successes by lunchtime easily. Your sub-conscious counts them all as wins and you will start to think of yourself as a winner and high achiever. This will help you to form an identity as someone who is getting things done. You may think it is silly and cheating but I have had great results with this way of making lists of things I have already done today or "wins" (not things I have to do).
The other way I have lived my life for about 15+ years is to give myself only ONE goal for each day. Another term for this is a PRESCRIBED task. If you achieve that goal then you can consider it a productive day. If you can achieve your goal by 10.00 am so much the better. The rest of the day is yours to use constructively as you please on DISCRETIONARY tasks and activities. The one goal per day is my default system now. It can be a big or a small goal - it doesn't really matter. As you achieve your goals, day by day you will start to build a self image as a person who gets things done every day. As I said, it doesn't matter if they are big or small things, just make sure you achieve that one thing. Try it and see.
Oh and one last thing..try doing at least one thing for yourself every day and see it that makes a difference to your day. It can be small treat you buy yourself or a small pleasure. I used to always do things for other people and this helped me to feel better about myself and value myself more. Some people like Martin Seligman recommend writing a list of three things that went well each day before going to bed. I have tried this and it made me feel a lot more +ve about my life. I am using my blog on this site in this way now. Keep going!
Oh yeah, one last, last thing. Do 1 thing for yourself and also 1 thing for somebody else - it can be a really small thing like picking up a piece of litter from your neighbour's driveway. it doesn't matter what it is so long as you do it. This is my 1 thing for you today!
Speedy, thank you for your two posts.
I failed in Monk Mode last night and early this morning. This means I thought about sex a lot or had significant s. fantasies.
I haven't looked up Internet porn yet though, and haven't done and m. since the last time.
Actually just now I looked up something I'm interested in that's related to porn, not specifying in case it's triggering for someone, but with the safe search on and without seriously looking for Internet porn. Good thing I didn't actually see any nudity or really explicitly sexual. I'm not going to reset my counter for it. I activated incognito mode, though, so it was a fail.
Response to Speedy
I don't agree that it's impressive that I've been at this for ten months, not yet. My neighbour is attractive, but she's much older than me. She's technically my dad's neighbour. I agree I'm getting better at knowing my habits and my triggers.
I agree having a bedroom in my living room is a recipe for disaster. I liked your reminder about the pesky essay, too. Actually, I don't think I even should be sleeping in bed. It's too triggering. Within seconds of me getting in to bed I start to think of having s. fantasies or m., and getting up and looking at Internet porn. Also, I seem too comfortable and I actually find it harder to sleep!
One of the main reasons I don't want to sleep in bed, though, is that once I do, I don't want to get out of it. I often sleep in, past 7 AM and past 10 AM, which I can't do normally.
I don't know what I should do about it yet. I have stripped it, though, so it looks less appealing. I liked your reminder about the Japanese folding up their beds and putting them away. I should do something like that if I can. Maybe I can put my mattress on the floor and put everything else up on the wall when I'm not using it. I never take my laptop into bed with me, though, so I don't have that problem.
The idea of doing one real, obligatory thing per day, and then as many discretionary activities as I like the rest of the day is fantastic, thank you. Does it work for you? I used to do exactly that, actually, and had success with it when I tried really hard at it. I didn't keep at it, though. The idea of doing as many discretionary activities as I liked the rest of the day, once I had accomplished that, had not occurred to me, though. Most of the time in my life I had been trying to a list of four things every day, usually doing none of them.
I agree going outside during the day and getting sunlight will help me sleep, and that I should do that more often.
Me doing one nice thing for myself every day is going to be hard, but doing one nice thing for others every day is going to be harder.
QP Thanks for replying to my post on your journal.
I had a think about what I had written and thought that maybe I shouldn't give advice on someone else's journal. I am new to this online social world and I'm still getting my head around this sort of etiquette. Also I realised that although I have had great success with some of these ideas like doing ONE thing each day, I had also slackened off myself, so I have had made renewed efforts to get myself more organised. :-[
In the last couple of days I bought myself a white board and am using it now to remind me of what I want to do each day. I am really getting a lot more things done now. Yesterday I put down a deposit on a new apartment to rent. There are great views from all the rooms and it has a really green jungle (forest) behind with wild monkeys and wild boar (pigs). Also it is very quiet at night and has beautiful cooling breezes. Also rent is cheaper than my current house by about 40% but it is not furnished. I will be living like a Zen monk for a while sitting and maybe even sleeping on the floor etc. I really believe that our environment helps and supports us to live a rich fulfilling life or it makes it hard for us to get out of bed and tempts us into bad habits. Most environments will lay somewhere in between these two extremes.
As an example though, I would guess that a basement apartment with no windows would make it harder to establish a good diurnal cycle. I have been living a shut-in life the past few days because we have a lot of pollution here now - the worst ever from the Indonesian fires and so it is hard to go outside without a face mask to protect against the pollution. That means that i am always tempted to go online because there is no decent free-to-air television here.
FYI I see this whole non-PMO journey as being one leg of a three-legged stool comprising 1) Getting things done 2) socialisation and 3) health. No-PMO falls under 3) health. Each leg supports the other two legs. You can start anywhere and it will have a beneficial effect on the other two legs of the stool. All three legs are necessary for balance and stability . Tracking PMO-free days is a great place to start but for me I need to work on socialisation and effectiveness and a holistic approach to good health that includes exercising, getting outdoors and a balanced diet.
I also struggled to get out of bed today but I had made a commitment to attend a yoga class at 9.30 am so I did get up at 8.45 am and got out of the house early [health leg]. Unfortunately the class was cancelled due to low numbers but I went out for breakfast with my yoga teacher and another lady and we had a really great time laughing and sharing a lot [socialisation leg]. Now I have to think of one thing to get done and get it done. I am such a bad procrastinator sometimes mostly because of anxiety. But I also know that I have to get one important thing done today otherwise I will really feel like sh*t and be down on myself.
I found doing something for myself each day hard at first, but it can be a simple thing like letting myself meditate for ten minutes. Even that is not easy at first but I think that the important thing is to have the intention of giving something to yourself. Maybe don't worry about doing things for others until you have established doing something for yourself as a regular habit.
I hope that you keep posting because I am interested to hear about your progress.
Hi QP I hope you are keeping well.
I had a little "win" today that I wanted to share with you. My kitten has been annoying the heck out of me because he is a young adolescent with bags of energy and going through a "teething" stage of biting me and damaging my landlord's chair with its sharp claws. I have also been sitting in a bad posture and using the internet too much (including this site, I know).
Anyhow, today I found this plastic stool and replaced the older dining chair with this plastic stool. So now I am forced to sit more upright and because it is hard and uncomfortable I am less likely to sit for too long. I also found an old wine rack and am using as a climbing frame for my kitten so he doesn't get too bored and bite my leg all the time.OWW! Just thought you might like to know how our conversation is helping me to take charge of my environment more as well. Hope your day is going well.
I think I'm having trouble rebooting due to difficulty sleeping. I am often like this when I am trying to reboot. I can not stay awake during the day and I can not sleep at night.
I have been having really high anxiety lately, I think from trying to adjust to forcing myself to do more things in my day to day life. I haven't actually done any of these things yet, and in retrospect it was way, way, way too much, so I think I should lay off.
Still, my anxiety level is really high.
Here's what's going on
I am also having immense difficulty keeping the TV off, and everything else off. I always want to be doing something: Watching TV, browsing the Internet, listening to the radio, playing games on my computer, eating, doing something else on my computer, cleaning my room, playing with my guitar, just lying around, reading books, everything except what I ought to be doing.
This proceeds for hours, and can proceed all day, or all month.
I think once my brain realises I will not give it any stimulation of any kind I think I calm down and become willing to do the right thing.
I am still having immense difficulty getting outside to do anything, such as get exercise or out of the house or to focus or socialise with people or do running.
My computer still runs Windows XP
Some people who've read my journal know I have a favourite operating system. It's not Windows but I don't want to say the name of it now. I'm just going to call it my favourite operating system.
I brought home some computer things from my dad's house, hoping to get my favourite operating system going. I think running Windows XP on my notebook computer is really bad for my mind, as well as slow, unstable, uncomfortable, weird, clumsy and limited. It's like watching cable TV. It seems to confuse my mind.
So I think that having an alternate operating system to run might be helpful to rebooting. Windows confuses my mind. My favourite operating system seems to set it right. It could count as brain training.
It would have better filtering actually. I'm somewhat miserable that I have to run Windows XP on my computer.
Reply to Speedy
Thank you for your two responses. It's good that I got to know the result of my suggestions on your journal. The idea of the climbing ladder for your kitten is good.
I know what you mean about regretting giving advice because I've been in your exact position before, I think. It looks to you like I went for it way, way too much and you might have been a bad influence instead, and now it's impossible for me to assure you there was no problem. First of all I didn't go for it that much, and second of all, you don't have that much power.
I also liked your idea of making a boring check list for the day, like "washed some clothes" and "cleaned my room for 10 minutes". I used to do that, exactly that, actually, but need to go back to doing it now. I don't have ADHD but I do seem to have some trouble focusing. Doing that has helped me in the past.
I am having trouble organising my papers and journalling, I'm blocked from doing journalling and writing like that because I keep running out of paper (I do a lot of it). Your posts worked for me as reminders for some things that I should be doing that have worked in the past.
More status update
Last night I really wanted to look up Internet porn, or do an MO to imagination I liked. I think the important thing is that I was feeling creative. I was just feeling creative. I had the idea to do some computer programming, and work on this program that I have been trying to write for a really long time now. I didn't, but I should have, I should have at least tried.
In the end I did nothing, but I did do an MO later the next morning, which I think was related.
My point is, it looked like I wanted to do something creative, and it could have come out sexually, or it could have come out in an a program. Next time I should program.
I think I am having more difficulty in general lately, and I think it's because of a bad attitude.
I also appear to be struggling, I think it's because of my room.
Mention of time in nature
Time in nature is one of my favourite rebooting solutions. I have mentioned this before. There is a power canal near here, and I can go there, if I can get out at all, and listen to the violently rushing water. It's relaxing to the brain.
I also watch birds outside sometimes. I think this helps with rebooting.
One thing that helps big is just going outside when it's clear out at night and looking at the stars and the sky. Just looking at the sky and the stars helps clear your mind and I think it counts as time in nature.
The Your Brain On Porn Tools for Change article says you have to replace porn with other, natural dopamine-rewarding activities. It also says somewhere on Your Brain On Porn that time in nature is one of the natural dopamine rewards. So, this going out the door and looking at the stars in the sky is to do with my Internet porn reboot attempt.
On paper writing
I need more paper. I need to do a lot of paper writing to stay focused and to organise my reboot attempt. I think I need to two to four pages of paper a day in order to reboot. I really need to do this.
I don't know why I am having trouble with this now. I know it's a shortage of pens (and paper. I need spiral notebook, I just finished one). I am supposed to write a paper journal at night I think.
On my reboot attempt
More seriously, I have not believed yet that there is no positive benefit to pornography. I still seem to think there is.
I still have not decided, profoundly, to give it up permanently and never look at it again.
I think my motivation for my rebooting attempt is still the idea of standing up for myself to my relatives, and to avoid really disastrous consequences that come up due to my masturbation to Internet porn.
Still, I think I have gotten slightly closer to the "porn is not an option" mindset propounded by our excellent leader, TheUnderdog.
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