I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    (Replying to myself.)

    The next morning after posting the above post, I went on-line on the Internet at 9 AM and looked up Web sites all about staying active and eating right.

    These Web sites are:

    The last one also contains tips on staying active and how often to stay active. It also contained a list of different physical activities I could do, most of which I had already thought of.

    I think I should eat right, when I eat, and exercise, increasing my level of exercise to the 2 1/2 hours a week with at least two different types of exercise so I don't get bored.

    A TV show I saw yesterday night mentioned you only need to break a sweat to start to get health benefits and a brisk walk could do that. I think that's what I'll start with instead of running.

    I am trying to start as minimally as possible so that
    a) I will actually do it
    b) it will be easier to adjust to it
    c) I won't rebel at doing something too hard and not do it at all
    I did meditation only twice, really minimally lately, but it's a start, if I stay with it.
     
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Actually it looks like I have to go back and do the last half again. I appear to have not really learned it.
     
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Okay, thanks.

    That isn't what I meant, actually, but I had switched to that idea before reading your post. Now I intend to try to go through with it.

    I know who Donald Knuth is.

    I don't really want to talk about Linux here. I used to be an extremely advanced Linux user, and possibly still am.

    [ Edit Mar 14, 2013: Removed a large chunk about me making something out of Linux and how it related to quitting Internet porn, I don't think I should have posted in here ]

    Thanks for the URL to the interview. I really don't think malware is going to threaten me. When I got started on Linux there wasn't even ipchains yet (which is still my favourite). [ Edit: I am reading the interview now and enjoying it and gaining more knowledge. ]
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I realise it has been two weeks since I last posted.

    My PMO counter is not accurate. I reset it too over-zealously, I think. It wasn't even really nudity on the TV, and I hadn't spent that much time flipping channels.

    So it's been 25.9 days without me looking up porn or masturbating significantly. It's been much longer with no full PMO session at all.

    I recently read GABE's thread about not watching TV and not even listening to the radio much, and I did both of those things. I haven't had the TV or radio on much lately.

    I feel groovy!

    I feel happier. I feel more in control. I find myself more able to deal with crises. I haven't been excessively miserable like what happens after PMO.

    It helps that I have been eating well. But I attribute eating well to no PMO, too, since it really helps with practical application of buying and eating food!

    I feel good-natured, humble, friendly and intelligent. I feel like I'm able to work for a living.

    My theory about abstaining PMO making it so I seek God seems to be true. Nevermind what that really means, it just means that I think after a long time no PMO I get more good natured and humble, and more willing to do what I know I ought to do, such as be nice to my family or get a job.

    I think I have to demonstrate Your Brain On Porn to the others at my men's Bible study. I am not so comfortable with this and dread it considerably. I also think I have to tell family and friends that I have been addicted to Internet porn and have been trying to beat it.

    Poor post, I know. I read the benefits of quitting again, http://yourbrainonporn.com/100-benefits-quitting-porn, and at least a quarter of them seem to be true for me today.
     
  5. ISTAYAWAY

    ISTAYAWAY New Member

    Hi, QuitPornFoo

    I just signed up for this site and your thread resonated with me the most, so I figured I'd just reply in here first. Anyway, without getting into too much detail on my first post, I stumbled upon yourbrainonporn.com the other day and watched the entire six part series in one night. The science behind it all was truly fascinating, and I actually felt somewhat relieved to learn that my addiction was and isn't my fault. If I'm able to understand my triggers and deal with them, then I will be well on my way to rewiring my brain and allowing it to "heal". I found that when I removed the emotional and mental side of my addiction for a second, I realized that my brain just needs to heal itself (just like a broken leg would need to). How can I let it heal if I'm using it in a way that won't ever let it heal? It may sound simple and this post may come off as naive, but I'm okay with that. For the first time in 20 years, I feel like I finally have found an approach that might work. I pray that I have. Anyway, thank you for letting me "hijack" your thread with my first ever post. Best of luck to you, my friend.
     
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I like your nickname.

    It did? Was it the depression or depressing posts that appealed to you?
    [ Edit: I added that last sentence long after ISTAYAWAY posted. ]

    I'm honoured.

    I am actually slightly disconcerted, partially because I didn't expect anyone to read my journal, and partially because I didn't expect anyone to identify with me, but I am glad you posted to my journal anyway.

    I think relief is about right, since you find out how much of your brain has been rewritten to be doing the porn activity and how many thing are explained by that.

    Is that what you got out of my journal? I think I talked about that a little, but what you're talking about, keeping out the emotional and mental side of everything, is what I keep thinking about a lot, too.

    I think I should listen to that.

    Did you say 20 years?! That's longer than me. Was that all Internet porn, or different forms of porn before that? Are you my age? I hope you're at least 33. There was not a lot of high speed Internet access in 1995.

    Start your own journal and put all your thoughts and hopes and activities and ideas in there!

    I appreciate your post.
     
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Was it the depression I have?

    I'm glad you decided to join the forum and post.

    I still think you should start your own journal.
     
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Last acting out

    I binged about a week and a half ago. Actually two weeks ago, according to my counter. It was foolish, and rebellious. It was triggered by the trip I had to my dad's house and the stress from that.

    I'm still dealing with the consequences of it.

    Resisting since then has been really easy, and I don't know why. I haven't been doing much to replace Internet porn lately, but still I haven't looked at any porn.

    I was amazed that I went for 7 days without looking up Internet porn, and now it's 13 days and I'm still amazed and don't know how I did it. It used to be that I would find it almost impossible to go just 3 days and a week impressed me.

    About bad posts I made and CrazyGopher

    I regret my last two posts to CrazyGopher's journal and my last post to Fiddler's journal. I regret not posting to CrazyGopher's journal about an addiction barrier at 50 days or so.

    I read a post on this forum, which I can't remember right now, saying that specifically an alcoholic will have trouble recovering past 50 days because of some in-built neurological thing. CrazyGopher keeps relapsing at about that point, and they know it on his journal, but they don't know why

    Now CrazyGopher wants to quit this forum (because it's not helping him reboot), which I think is terrible and that he shouldn't. He should just be less hard on himself and less focused (obsessed) on rebooting. That's the other thing I wanted to tell him but am too late now. CrazyGopher, if you're reading this, I think you're way, way too hard on yourself, possibly more than anyone else on this forum.

    Fiddler

    I want to help Fiddler on his journal, too.

    Lately and today

    I've been tempted to do m. to fantasy lately. I came really, really close this morning. I only stopped because I would have to reset my M counter on this forum.

    I looked up pretty pictures of some relatively young female celebrities today, which has triggered me in the past. I'm not supposed to do that, but I didn't end up looking up Internet porn after that. I am playing with fire, though.

    I think I am actually triggered but I just don't feel triggered. I think I'm partially in flat-line (not easily triggered by sexy things, not feeling a lot of sex drive, dick feels very small), but I think there's something else blocking me from being interested in Internet porn. I think I am in a stressed state and am not well.

    More

    I have a lot more to say, and I especially should talk about why I haven't been posting regularly (I don't know why, I just feel a great barrier between me and doing so), and whatever else would catch me up on posting.

    I am wrong about not posting here sooner and helping others more.

    I think my main point of my next post is how I'm having lack of motivation for quitting Internet porn, and how I still have never put my list of reasons, or even come up with one, for wanting to quit Internet porn on this journal.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    some downsides to Internet porn

    Here are some practical downsides to consuming Internet porn in my life. This is not a list of reasons I want to quit.

    I don't have a list of reasons I want to quit. I think I don't want to quit.

    Like I read in some other posts on this forum, I have not completely realised that there is no positive side to Internet porn, that I am getting nothing out of it actually, and that a part of me still thinks Internet porn is a great idea, which is why I keep doing it. I wish I had kept and linked to those posts.

    I read a post on this forum saying Internet porn was a habit if your life was so-so or okay and you're not using Internet porn to escape from it, but you're an addict if you're escaping Internet porn and your real life is in messed up and you can't ordinarily deal with it. I am an addict, there.

    I also read some posts saying if you can't resolve problems in your family life you won't resolve
    Internet porn. I don't know if that's true and I might not even be quoting it accurately. I have
    noticed one other person (Fiddler) constantly complain about completely non-functional family life, which would make three people here, including the post I am talking about and myself, who seem to have that problem (no functional family life, making it impossible or hard to quit Internet porn). This is me too, and I don't know what to do about it.

    I also think I would not quit Internet porn because I have too many problems outside of Internet porn. I know that doesn't make any sense. What I mean is I would have no motivation because I cannot set things right and don't want to.

    • Ruins my sleep schedule
    • Makes me close my curtains and use private browsing mode
    • If I close my curtains I can't see who goes by, and I'm in conflict with most of the people who do, so I lose conflicts
    • I get sperm in my T-shirts and they get stained, or at least I can't wear them until I clean them afterwards (and I can't easily clean them)
    • It wastes hours
    • It over-accelerates my mind and puts me into a high strung, altered state for days (about one day for every hour of Internet porn session use)
    • I feel embarrassed and ashamed because I know I did something wrong and I am unable to stand up for myself for days, if not weeks afterwards
    • I am far more likely to do things wrong and ignore discretion for days or weeks afterwards, this gets me in trouble every single time
    • It sets me back as far as day-to-day life, and all my relationships, and may also help trigger me to flip out at people or maybe even get into a fight, which I think would lead to legal consequences, for me
    • It just really, really sets me back, far more than any other bad behaviour on my part
    • It takes hours and I never, ever, ever actually see exactly and precisely what I want to see, sometimes I come close
    • It makes me feel guilty for hours and days afterwards
    • I might end up getting a virus or ransomware infected on this computer, and I might have no way to get it out, which would lead to massive shame as I took my computer in to a computer store to have viruses removed
    • I see things that remind me of females I know and respect or care for, and this affects me negatively
    • It just really sets me back spiritually
    • I'm just physically uncomfortable sitting in my chair masturbating
    • I think it irritates my penis, too
    • It freaks out my head for days afterwards
    • It makes me guilty and afraid, or angry and rebellious, or both afterwards
    • the images, and what sticks out at me about the actresses, stick into my head for days--if not years--afterwards
    • I am freaked out and make really bad decisions for days afterwards, this often ruins very important engagements with people I was hoping to meet
    • It really ruins my self-respect and feelings of integrity
    • Did I mention I feel guilty?
    • I am in a really high state of stress the entire time while doing it, normally

    The other poster is right, my life is in too much disorder outside of Internet porn. It means I am an addict. I think I need to face that before I can get the nerve to recover. I think this is the way to get the motivation to really quit. Apologies for the bad and disorganised post, especially the unordered (pun) list.
     
  10. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    This is very interesting. Thanks for reporting it here too. As I have relapsed, 4 times, at around the same time into the reboot (between 21 and 25 days), the theory that after a point one doesn't get as many benefits from abstaining and thus some motivation drops is sound. Even if I clearly don't apply to the 50 days mark.
     
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Previous posts and what I have been doing (looking up porn)

    I keep looking up porn. It's partially due a stress thing, me trying to get an apartment. It's also due to me not really trying. I have acted out about 8 times in the last week and a half.

    I read two posts in this forum last week about people having trouble with family issues, and this is a barrier to them recovering. (Fiddler, I think you can identify.) I think I am in that category too. (I wish I'd kept the URLs to these posts.)

    I read two other posts I think in this forum where the poster was pointing out that you would not be looking up porn if a part of you did not think porn was a great idea, and another two posts I think pointing out you haven't yet realised that there is no positive or upside to Internet porn. I haven't fully realised that there is no upside to Internet porn at all, though I think it consciously sometimes, and I think it's obvious I still think Internet porn is a great idea, although I don't know exactly what that idea is. (Consciously I think it's a terrible idea sometimes.)

    I identify with Fiddler in this post, where he says he's in a strange kind of flat-line where he can only think about girls/sex/PMO and can not concentrate on any studying activity. I feel like this a lot recently, with writing but usually I can get it done if I give myself some time and do nothing else in the mean time (including listen to the radio), and maybe eventually make myself a bit. (I have to do a log of logging on paper to help me recover, this is what I mean by writing.)

    Status update

    I have not been practicing exercise, meditation, friendly social interactions, work-related activities on a regular basis. I have been slacking off (and jerking off). However I have mostly been awake during the day and doing constructive things sometimes. I have been eating, though.

    I am also supposed to keep up with the text editor tutor and the typing tutor, logging and journalling, and practicing guitar intermittently. I don't think I have to do all of these things every day, maybe every three days. I am also supposed to read these texts I have of life advice in the morning every weekday.

    More on apartment

    There is an apartment available in the newspaper that is in the location I want (or very close to it), and in a basement like I want (yes, this is what I want to start with), and a price that I want (or very close to it).

    There are a number of difficulties to do with me moving in to this apartment:
    • I don't have a steady income in order to pay for it
    • I do not have a good attitude, and this may show up to the landlord
    • I feel like I am hiding something all the time, so I am afraid to talk to the landlord
    • I have issues which could show up, and I am an addict
    • Being an addict makes it so that I can't converse normally or answer day-to-day questions
    The rest of these reasons have to do with getting Internet access:
    • There will be no Internet access at first, I could freak out or binge later
    • I fear me using unlocked wireless there for Internet porn
    • My dad has offered high speed Internet access and I'm terrified of me downloading a tremendous amount of Internet porn
    • I might get high speed Internet for myself so I'm terrified of the same thing
    • I think if I have no Internet access I will not unhook from Internet porn and will binge at other people's houses
    • I think I'd still look up Internet porn even if I got dial-up Internet access, and that I'd stay addicted
    Okay, I think that's all my concerns with moving into an apartment. I really, really need to move into this apartment, though, and me acting out a lot for the past week and a half has put me back 3/4 days to a week in getting it and I might miss it, which would be disastrous, because my current living situation is pretty bad (and is largely outside of society and also makes it really easy to look up Internet porn all the time).

    But where I really am

    Where I really am with quitting Internet porn is this:

    I am rebellious in my whole life, and this includes not trying to get better from Internet porn. I have a bad attitude.

    I am also not really trying to quit Internet porn (as always) because I don't think I really have a plan that would work (too many underlying issues and too many temptations in my current place of residence), because I don't think I really have the motivation mostly due to family issues, and because I still think Internet porn is a good idea and have not really seen yet that it has no positive points or upsides to it, ever.

    On depression

    I typed up here a while back that I think I have severe depression (like Fiddler I think) and ought to get that professionally checked. While I think that still might be true, I don't think I should have written that down at the time. I was slightly freaked out, as I often am here. (Internet porn freaks you out. It freaks me out anyway.)

    So if CrazyGopher reads this, I am grateful for his concern but he mostly helped by helping put the issue in perspective and I didn't need to write it down and if it caused him concern or worry I'm in the wrong and I'm sorry.

    Real status update

    I have acted out 8 to 10 times, either to Internet porn or unrealistic fantasies. I could have tried more, I don't know why I didn't. I think it's mostly the stress of moving into an apartment, but actually I think it's mostly the stress of moving into an apartment where there might not be an infinite supply of Internet porn. I think that's what's freaking me out more than anything else.

    Obviously I have not permanently decided to quit or this would not be a threat to me, it not be a concern.

    Speaking of motivation, this post, "How I went 100 Days Without Orgasm - My Blueprint for Success" by Tempaccount worked for me when I read it, and I know I don't have motivation. This is the biggest deal for me probably.

    ...

    I have watched too much TV (and listened to a little too much radio, too). A user named CrazyGopher has "don't watch TV" listed in his signature, and a user named GABE wrote about in this entry to do with an interview with Gary Wilson and having recovered.

    Like Fiddler I am reading a couple books in the evening, though not 3 or 4 like he does, just two.
     
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    What's been happening since about two months ago

    I should note that about a month ago now I did exercise, constructively, outside, for long enough to actually be considered exercising (running mostly).

    I should also mention that I continue to write (log) on paper, which is part of what I need to do for recovery. I don't do this as much as I should recently, but I am still doing it somewhat. I have also meditated intermittently, and continued to stop (just stop and do nothing for for to twenty minutes sometimes) and also pray sometimes.

    I also believe I ought to read poetry in the morning to do things to do with recovery, but maybe not every day. It's kind of intense.

    I have also spent time in my nature area (a mown-grass area near here that is unused for anything else, and it is near a stream), and just gone outside to enjoy the stars at least once. These are critical to me for helping me recover, too.

    I am also still trying to sleep at night and stay awake during the day, and watch less TV and listen to the radio less.

    Current status

    So, while it might look like I'm doing nothing to get better, I am doing a few habits still, out of habit.

    I am also continuing to floss and brush my teeth and shower and shave regularly. I say this because I think these things have to do with recovery by helping take care of myself and helping keep me connected to staying healthy.

    I also sometimes read one or two really good fiction books (good, old novels that you have maybe heard of) in order to relax at night, instead of watching TV. This really really helps me sleep, just like they say. I only read half a chapter of each book, so it's not heavy reading.

    ...

    I edited this post to take out a stupid post saying something posted on asha.med's journal was "epic". It wasn't, it was just very good.
     
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    About playing difficult turn-based strategy games to help with rebooting

    I have been playing a turn-based strategy game. I think it helps with rewiring. I think it is like the "doctor-recommended apps" mentioned in the "Convert your Computer to an Ally" section of the Tools for Change article on Your Brain on Porn says.

    This game is turn-based. There is no stimulation from things happening when you aren't doing anything. There is nothing to react to. When it's your turn you have infinite time, and if you want to win you have to stop and think. You have to think things through and make plans. I think it's good for rebooting.

    I think the key thing is that it's not real-time. It's completely turn-based. You have to weigh odds, make plans and think things through in order to win. You may need to use the hardest difficulty settings though. They main point is to make it harder than you think you can do to win. You must challenge yourself sincerely.

    See, another Your Brain on Porn article says that your pre-frontal cortex is the part of your brain which does the "assessing risk" and "making long-term plans". Your pre-frontal cortex is what is degenerated in you (hypofrontality), leading to your will power being really reduced and you being being addicted. You might not need to make "long-term" plans to win these levels, but you might, it might be close enough still, since whichever units you have left over from the first level still stay with you in later levels.

    I believe that playing these games can help you rebuild your pre-frontal cortex and therefore help with rebooting. I think I need to play this and another turn-based strategy game I used to play in order to help me with rebooting.
     
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    One of the main reasons I say I really need to move into this apartment is that the environment I am in now might be the worst possible in the entire world for a PMO addict. I have difficulty going outside and doing anything, it's very small, I am not near anything I know, and I have always-on high speed Internet access and I have nothing to do.

    I have decided not to get high speed Internet access when I move in, and not to work from home. I think I am supposed to go to my dad's every day to work, although I still don't know what profession it would be (it could be school).

    I could also do menial work or volunteering during the day, which I think would really help with everything, including quitting Internet porn.

    ---

    I just finished looking up Internet porn an hour and 46 minutes ago, and I figured everything would be bad due to the consequences, but I came here and put a bunch of posts up on-line and now I am having good consequences instead. I am getting wise posts back that work for my specific situation.

    Maybe I should not not freak out so much when I look up Internet porn in the future and post here instead.
     
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status update

    I acted out some more lately, mostly two or three days ago. I honestly think I just wasn't even trying.

    I have been struggling lately, I think due to some more stressful than usual life events, and I think coming out of a bipolar II depressive episode or possibly having a hypomanic episode or something, from just not really trying, from discouragement overall, and I think from this new porn site I found ... but that's just novelty.

    In summary, I'm just not really trying. I am resentful and angry at even having to post here in this journal, like another person said, "to hold myself accountable". I am not wanting to do the rewiring thing from Internet porn. I appear to be having a really bad attitude and not really wanting to try at all.

    The apartment

    I didn't get the apartment, and I think I did really, really need it to help recover from Internet porn, like I said above. I think I could have gotten it just fine if I had abstained from PMO and tried hard. I don't think I'm just pipe dreaming this, I think I'm very serious and it could have and would have worked out. I think I blew it.

    It would have been in my price range and very, very near church, my dad's house, the neighbourhood I know, other relatives, other people from church, volunteer opportunities... It would have given me a solid address to do any other thing from, like get a billing address or write letters from.

    Importantly, it would not have had high speed Internet access or cable TV, at least not until I chose to have it put in, which I think I would have resisted, at least for a few months. I think I could have gotten much more healthier. I am in a really unhealthy environment now and I think I really blew it.

    Reading this forum lately

    I read Addiction Please Leave Me's site. I agree 100% with not attempting more than your self-respect can handle. That same advice about self-respect is in a good advice book that I am supposed to be reading every third morning or so. It says that you should not attempt a serious project until you are sure you can do it (and that you will do it, I think), to respect your self-respect.

    If you get your self-respect damaged you get everything damaged. This is one of the reasons I am not seriously attempting to quit Internet porn. I do not believe, practically, that I have a shot, due to underlying issues, not really being absolutely sure that I want to try, not being completely willing to give up Internet porn, and having a really bad environment for quitting. These are the reasons I am not even seriously trying to quit Internet porn.

    But I think I should keep trying to refrain from Internet porn and practice my good habits (like reading advice books in the morning) and reading Your Brain On Porn and posting to this journal anyway. If I don't I just watch TV all day and look up Internet porn and then I let myself get bullied by other people around because I don't have the nerve to stand up for myself, and I get very hungry because I don't have the nerve to go to the grocery store to get food. I guess that's why I was originally trying to quit Internet porn there. My life gets awful fast.

    Other updates

    I read somewhere that the part of the amygdala (or what) used for porn use is the same part used for intimate relationships. I think this is true

    I read some other things in this forum to do with motivation. It said that if your life is awful outside of PMO, then you're an addict. I am an addict and my life is really, really awful outside of PMO. It's really awful in PMO, too. I almost never enjoy myself, and I don't think I would enjoy myself even if I didn't think what I was doing was a really terrible idea and wrong.

    Another post about motivation pointed out that if you refrain from PMO you get increased motivation. I noticed that, too. So, I think, the next thing I am going to do is try to refrain from MO and P for three days and see if I was motivated more.

    I was going to start with just one day but I have completed that. Actually, I am proud of myself for doing over one full day with no P or M whatsoever.

    Habits that set me back

    Well, it looks like I just like to have sexual fantasies and masturbate. This usually turns into PMO of course. I don't know what to do to replace my sexual fantasies with. They're definitely porn-related because I can feel the way they activate the same porn pathways in the brain, just like Your Brain On Porn says. I just have to try to refrain.

    I also find myself often having "short" or "quick" sexual fantasies whenever I think of a woman I like. I also often think about sex or having sex when I have an uncomfortable thought that I can't bear easily. These both often lead to full sexual fantasies and then masturbation and then Internet porn and PMO.

    Another bad habit is when I watch sexy or sexual content or porn on TV, or masturbate to it. I don't necessarily do it that often, but if I wasn't trying to reboot, and I was giving up overall, I would do it all the time. I would do this often and for hours.

    I just have the bad habit of watching TV when I shouldn't, and watching way, way too much TV over all. I also have the habit of wasting time on my computer and the Internet, and playing video games too often, and when I shouldn't.

    Summary

    I don't feel so good right now (partially due to not sleeping) and I only have a faint motivation to refrain from m. and fantasy and Internet porn for three days and see what my attitude is like then.

    I feel like I have been getting away with Internet porn use and not trying in my life, and so that is discouraging me from trying a YBOP-style reboot, or anything at all. I have not been getting away with Internet porn use, but to me it seems like I am.
     
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status update

    I don't know how long it's been since my last post. I have been acting out regularly to porn and fantasy. I have not been using my hosts file blocking, I have been going around it to newer porn sites I didn't know about and didn't know existed. I think everyone else here knew about it, though. They got bought recently, very recently.

    I have not been meditating or exercising or eating right or not watching TV. I have still been trying to stay awake during the day and sleep at night, though. I am falling behind and I am not rebooting. The acts of me looking up, and masturbating to, all that Internet porn has had severe effects in my life. I have not described these effects yet in this journal.

    I have not been trying. I even feel insincere in posting here, and perhaps I am!

    I have also not been trying to practice constructive activities in the day, including practicing the text editor and the typing tutor, reading a good advice book, or reading my holy scripture (the Bible) or praying.

    I noticed some triggers

    One trigger is when I want to do something hard, like e-mail someone important to me about something very important, and I know I can't do it properly without serious meditation and it's almost impossible to do, this makes me want to PMO. Basically, when I meet an impossible
    personal thing I want to do I want to do PMO. This has been going on for years and is the
    cause of discouragement in me.

    My hosts file doesn't work too well

    My hosts file blocking method worked well for me when I was seriously trying to reboot. It would block common trigger sites for me that I would like to type in to my URL bar. I put in the most common Web sites I could think of that I visit, and then my browser would just say "Cannot contact site" and I'd usually give up, great.

    Another problem with my hosts file blocking method is when I edit it to update it, or I open it to disable it to act out, I see a lot of porn sites I like and am reminded of them and want to go to them. I think I just overdid putting domains in it and should cut it down to the most common Web sites I go to.

    But the last time I was visiting this Web site, or assortment of Web sites rather, that had all different subdomains that I couldn't block with the hosts file blocking method. So I don't know what to do. I was thinking of filtering, which I think I should address in my next heading.

    Filtering

    I have no filtering except the hosts file method, which does not work that well. It works okay when I am trying, but still not that well.

    I have considered K9 in the past, and even gave them my name and e-mail address to download it, but I never set it up. I can still download it again. I think I don't like the lack of privacy.

    I have considered DansGuardian, a free Linux Web filter which includes pornography filtering. I don't run Linux though, though I would like to. I could set it up and block direct HTTP access with firewall rules and a strong root password and passwords on the BIOS, etc., but I don't want to. I think I'd end up taking apart my computer or buying a new one. Maybe that's just because I haven't fully decided to quit porn yet.

    I had OpenDNS on for a while but I didn't like it. I didn't like the lack of privacy or the control I gave to that other company there, either.

    I have also considered other filters such as NetNanny recently, and monitoring software that another person would access.

    I don't know what to do. I think I need some filtering beyond hosts file blocking.

    Motivation

    I still have no motivation. I also know that the more I refrain from masturbation and Internet porn, the more motivation I have. But overall I still have no motivation to go through the reboot completely, and I have not decided to quit porn permanently, and I am not okay with the idea of having no Internet porn again in my life.

    I think I should write a list of where I was (looking up porn sites in a motel room, binging on Internet porn on my old notebook computer, feeling extremely lonely and wanting someone to keep me company while I did this, starting to look at sex meet up Web sites and considering registering with them) and this may help me start to write up the list of reasons I want to quit.

    I think I still have to spend time by myself sitting or lying quietly on the floor considering giving up Internet porn for the rest of my life, or the same time outside in some lonely area thinking the same thing. I also think I have no motivation due to family difficulties (and I have severe family difficulties, a little like Fiddler does, too) like mentioned in a couple YBR posts that I have lost the link to as usual.

    Okay I think that's everything for now.
     
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status update

    I haven't been looking at porn recently, either on the Internet or on the TV. I have been masturbating a lot, usually to "unrealistic fantasies". Almost porn fantasy as far as it goes
    I think.

    I've noticed the following things to do with me masturbating a lot, about once or twice a day,
    every day:
    • Not tempted to look up Internet porn almost at all
    • Un-high-strung, easy-going nature
    • Increased (yes, increased) anger, I think
    • Unexpected nudity or sexual images on TV affects me less
    • I don't feel as intelligent
    • Of course lost most drive to improve my life or get anything done
    • Still feel guilty and uncertain around other people
    • Wasting my life

    I still want to quit masturbating in addition to Internet porn, but I think it's a separate habit (or addiction) and I don't know how to quit it, I really don't. I know certain relationships I am having are triggering, and so are many imagination scenes I am having.

    It's possible it's mainly my imagination that is getting me into trouble. I usually imagine something to do with sexual activity if I am not doing anything. The scenarios are not realistic and I think they are basically porn fantasy.

    I think I should be using my imagination for something else, like literature or something, reading or writing.

    I think I need to quit imagining about sex in order to quit Internet porn.

    Thanks to anyone reading my journal to support me.
     
  18. changeforgood

    changeforgood New Member

    • I enjoy reading your journal quitpornfoo. I'm the same. I don't have a problem with porn that much, but I sometimes use porn to get my engine going...it's more my fantasies/imaginations that I have a big issue with. If you figure out how to stop imagining so much, i want to know! It's very difficult to get sexual thoughts out of your mind. I always think of some old relationship I could have had... I literally have to say: "STOP" outloud, move my hands away...and do something - anything to get my mind off of it.

      On your list, the bold ones are the ones I feel. I especially relate to the feeling guilty part. I feel so depressed after masturbation. One day at a time...
     
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I wonder who's reading my journal sometimes.

    Actually this is new to me. I just realised imaginations were getting me into trouble, and not just sexual fantasy. The point is my imagination is where it starts, instead of just fantasy. Fantasy could be the same every time, but imagination is something you're generating new.

    I'm working on it.

    I used to be like that for trying to quit masturbating in the past. I think I succeeded somewhat with the method you are using now.

    I think I liked the part where you left some of the items in the list in bold. I'm sorry you feel guilty. I think it's related to the act of whacking off, not really related to thinking you did something wrong.

    Maybe this post on another journal will get you started on thinking about how to control your imagination. I don't really think so, it just came up.
     
  20. makebelieve

    makebelieve Member

    It's hard to deal with imagination, in my experience. It would be very good to use it for literature, writing, or something creative. But I'm not sure that will tire your imagination... I have found however that by rebooting longer my imagination will be less easily triggered. I've found that after a while I can just see a girl and fantasize about normal things about her, without it turning into porn-like scenario's.

    The only thing that keeps tempting to me on the long run is not visual porn, but story-porn. That just gives my imagination a boost. But if I keep from that (and that's hard sometimes) my imagination seems to calm down too.
     

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