I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I watched Seven a long time ago and gave it another try recently. I stopped it early on. Somehow I just can't watched this genre anymore. The same for e.g. The walking dead series. I used to enjoy it, but the violence is to overwhelming for me now.

    Cool that you watched Jurassic Park. It has become a classic!

    I guess that it is quite difficult to find movies without sex and nudity. But I guess there must be good lists for that? Maybe even from a more Christian angle? And what about documentaries? You like those?

    What do you mean with 'supposed to do'? Do you feel some pressure from outside that you should be living your life differently?
     
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I'm more sensitive to harsh content in movies lately, not sure why. I just did a search for "wholesome movies on Netflix" and found a Netflix URL of 5 or so family movies. I've seen a lot of them already, but I think I just need to form the habit of web searching a movie for sex and nudity before I watch it. Yeah, Jurassic Park made me feel pretty good. I searched for Christian movies, too, but the first list was seemingly unremarkable. I think I just need to do the web search thing.
    I don't know, God? Maybe not. I have found that continual effort to improve my life and be a better person seems to be a real gain for my life. I am bored sometimes, and I would like to do more constructive, something that helps society. And I'd be more comfortable with spending money, I think, if I had a second source of income.

    NoA status

    I tried to watch two movies today, and I forgot about searching to see if they have sex and nudity. One has a rape scene, which I stopped before seeing, and the other has female (and male) nudity, which I didn't expect in a romantic comedy. I assume the nudity is pretty much over with now... okay, my conscience got activated, and I looked up the Common Sense Media page on the movie, and it rates sex and nudity as 3 out of 5 and lists a bunch of examples. Now I'm sure I shouldn't be watching that movie.

    I can always go back to reading Megatokyo, anyway.

    Edit: I figured the nudity was done, and it was, and I finished the movie. Two more scenes of extremely fashionably sexy ladies in lingerie, and I didn't have to look lustfully at her. My sexual purity, man! It might still be worth something after 20 years of addiction to internet porn. Anyway, I think it was fine to watch the movie, though the movie review about sexuality and nudity didn't mention the women in their underwear.
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2023
    Gil79 likes this.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    What kind of thing are you thinking about? And do you think that there is a possibility to connect that to your other aspiration to have a second source of income?
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I hope to do high tech work, system administration and programming, but also to help ordinary people at home with their computers. I also think manual labour is a good idea. I want to do some combination of the above, or one then the other.

    Status on NoA

    Other than the two movies I watched recently that I've already talked about I don't think I've seen sexuality on TV except when I watched a bit of The Big Bang Theory (ugh, terrible show). I did look at a woman's chest a few times, which was definitely sexual looking... really bad habit...

    I have been feeling my sex drive recently and considering doing FM, but not very seriously. I decided to work on getting married and having real sex finally and I wrote down a list of things I could improve upon to make me more dateable. Here's what I came up with
    • Read Miss Manners' book and become more polite in general
    • Become able to socialise well and with everyone, even rude or bad people
    • Become able to make phone calls and appointments and deal with life and reality well
    • Get a high school education and diploma and possibly a college or university education as well
    It's a bit humbling to write that out, but at least I have my work cut out for me.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2023
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  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I like that list and the ideas you have for the kind of work you'd like to do. Those a clear, concrete goals to works towards to. The great thing with these things is that you can just take small steps and improve yourself every day a little bit, until you look back and realize that you have come a long way.

    For your work and education it might even be possible to combine them. For sure you already have those tech skills. Maybe you could find a place in which you can work and study at the same time. In my country there are many of such options, where your employer finances the study. Or would you rather be self-employed?
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2023
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  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    @Gil79 I liked your reply, but I'd like to answer it later.

    NoA status

    I watched a talk show where a guest had a lot of cleavage... darn, I'd really like some boobage on a wife... and I watched some of a music video with some boobage... It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't really focused on it (lustfully looked at it).

    Otherwise I think I'm doing fine. I may need to think about Gil's post.
     
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  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status of NoA

    I watched a fictional WWII movie today and yesterday. I forgot to look up if it had sex or nudity, but it was a 60s movie, so I assumed it didn't. It had the bare back and shoulders of an attractive woman, which were shown involuntarily. which unfortunately I did find a little alluring. I think I'll watch something G-rated and walk it off.

    Thanks, Gil. I think I would rather be self-employed, part time, and do some of each of the various things. But real life may happen and I might have to do just 1 or 2 of them. At least this way I might be prepared for all four.

    I'm going to quote my dateability goals again to help me remember them:
    • Read Miss Manners' book and become more polite in general
    • Become able to socialise well and with everyone, even rude or bad people
    • Become able to make phone calls and appointments and deal with life and reality well
    • Get a high school education and diploma and possibly a college or university education as well
    I have a lot of work to do.

    Speaking of which, I think I'm on the internet too much. Fortunately I'm not looking at P or (not usually) attractive girls, but I think I'd get more reading and schooling done if I limited my internet time to a fraction of the day, maybe it'd be easier to make phone calls and go to appointments, too. This probably deserves a post all by itself.
     
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  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status on NoA

    I think I've done reasonably well with NoA this week. I remember no sexuality or nudity.

    Status on becoming more marriageable

    I thought a bit about improving myself to make myself better husband material, but mostly I concluded that in order to do anything I had to spend less time on the internet. So I tried (yesterday, I think) to avoid going on the internet and I got a couple things done, but not hugely.

    Good MO

    I am strongly desirous of having an MO today, but I still think that having preposterous sexual fantasies is wrong (or at least a bad idea) so it'll have to be a mindful MO. I can give it a try, I think it will do no harm.

    Edit: I tried a no-fantasy MO, but mostly did fantasy. Some of it was not fantasy, though, so I had a partial no-fantasy MO. Some of it felt pretty good, but I felt guilty about enjoying myself masturbating. Religious guilt perhaps? I hope I can clear my conscience for any real sex I have in the future.
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2023
  9. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Yep. Also I think husband material would entail being able to communicate your things with other people. At least in my mind. Is that something you feel comfortable with? Sorry, I read a lot of journals here, not sure if you mentioned stuff like that.
     
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Hi! What do you mean communicate my things? Like telling her I'm a surviving porn addict and I'm still trying to practice NoA?

    Do you really have 330 days without P and M? That's real impressive. I have more no P, but I have done several Ms.

    Status no NoA

    I erred today. I watched a movie without checking beforehand on the WWW if it has sex and nudity, and it even said nudity in the content warning. I guess I was figuring if it was short it would be okay, but I was looking forward to the nudity and when it finally showed up I was enthusiastic about it. I mean, I looked real alertly and enjoyed it. I turned off the TV when it was probably at its height. Maybe some people can handle some non-sexual nudity, but I can't. I thought she and her private parts (breasts only) were real beautiful.

    I'm not sure where I went wrong, maybe turning on Netflix when I didn't have all my self-control online. Maybe it was from me doing an MO yesterday, and my will power is weakened because of that, or the chaser effect made me want to see nudity. I'm leaning towards the MO thing.

    Too bad there's a lot of movies I can't watch due to nudity (and TV series). There's lots of beautiful sexy women out there (most of them?), but ideally I'd only being seeing one woman nude, my wife. I should work on being more marriageable, and I was, by staying off the internet for a few hours.

    I thought it would be okay to watch a movie instead of going on my computer, but the nudity was just so attractive. Maybe I should have been reading. I think my failure at NoA was from my MO.

    Edit: It's probably not good for my marriageability for me to look forward to movie nudity and look at it real hungrily when it comes on. I probably can't watch any movie with nudity, even brief. It's something for me to work on, along with many other things. I don't have as much motivation for self-improvement as I used to, but maybe it'll still be enough to impress and attract a woman.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2023
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status on NoA

    I am overwhelmed by how beautiful the naked woman I saw earlier was. I think it's a good sign that I'm recovering from porn and not taking naked women for granted anymore.

    Marriageability

    Here's another list of things that I think will help as far as dating:
    • Looking good, haircut, etc., nice clothes
    • More physically active, maybe I can lose weight
    • Be more educated
    • Be able to get out more and socialise better
    • Be able to do appointments and shopping more easily and more quickly
    • Sexual purity, no lust or drooling over other women
    • Church habits, more Christian life
    • More employment or volunteering
     
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I'm still somewhat triggered by the movie nudity I saw today, and I was tempted to FM. Fortunately, I refrained and came here instead. I did that sort of automatically, which is good, but kind of scary. The F for the M was of stuff that would definitely be immoral IRL, and I think I shouldn't have any F until I'm married.

    I was going to go to other people's journals to see if that helps me stay away from movie/TV nudity and FM.

    Edit: This seems to have worked, I am not tempted to FM now. Though I can't see much the harm in fantasy-free (and of course porn- and other sexual images-free) M. It'd be really great if I had a wife with a big sex drive that I could do all kinds of things with. I think easing up on my internet use (I'm working on that) might help a lot with that.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2023
  13. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Nope, I am just too dumb to reset my counter and haven't really bothered. Sorry. I haven't watched porn in like 14 days

    Edit: I got rid of it, to stop the false advertisement :3

    That'd be oversharing deluxe. No I meant to ask whether you are used to speaking about your emotions/issues and whatnot and listening to those of others, cause thats kind of a key thing I feel.
     
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    @nuclpow, somehow this list makes me feel sad. It suggests that you feel that right now you're not worth it to be someone's partner but that if you have checked all those boxes you will be.

    You're such a great guy: so sympathetic and so caring. You are marriage material right now. Maybe the list should be on what you want in a woman (instead of what you think that some women may want in a man). And wouldn't you want a woman who is comfortable with who she is?

    That doesn't mean that the points on these list are great points for self-improvement. But then work on them out of love for yourself. Because you want the best for you.
     
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Still better than 0!
    Maybe not, I have some difficulty identifying my own emotions or what's bugging me about another person's behaviour (is that what you mean by "issues"?), but I still might be ahead of average because I can do it a little bit.
    @Gil79, this is a great post and I am taking it to heart. I have heard from a couple other sources that I was being too hard on myself or not setting myself up properly. I think you might be right that I am marriageable material right now. Thanks for the compliments, I should be more confident.
     
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status on NoA

    I went out today and I didn't do the NoA rule too well. I looked at about 8 people to check out their body or skin. Maybe I should psych myself up to do NoA before I go out regularly. But I saw nothing bad on TV or movies today.

    FMO

    I thought a little about going no-MO and that maybe it was causing me harm, or at least that maybe I was enduring discomfort for no good reason. So I did an FMO. I tried to do it without F but it was mostly with F, and fantasies that would be impossible and wrong IRL, too. (Though not illegal, if that helps.) Honestly, I think I feel quite a lot better now that I've had that release. We'll see how it goes the next few days...
     
  17. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Hey, no trying to be too nitpicky here, but see what happened here:

    1. @Gil79 comments how you are absolutely fine the way you are
    2. You take the compliment and
    3. then low key chastise yourself for not being more confident

    Maybe I am reading too much into it here, but I have seen this in myself and others too often, too.
    Gil told you (as far as I understood him) that you actually are fine the way you are, and yeah, one would
    wish that you could see it for yerself and be good with it.

    And you sorta put that on the list of things you need to do, of things you not yet are.

    The trick is to accept what already is and be good with it. The scriabin, who wrote on here years ago, no idea what happened
    with him, once had a quote about kind of holding the dual thought of wanting to improve AND embracing yourself as the
    person you already are at the same time. Stuff be a bit subtle, but its important I feel.

    Anyhow, sorry for the tangent. Just know that prolly there are people right now who'd marry you as is :3
     
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  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Very good comment, @dark red drifter vessel. I'm too tired to respond properly now.

    NoA and mindful M

    I think I've been doing okay with NoA lately.

    I tried to M today just to sensation but I got no erection unless I fantasised heavily. I got a rock hard erection this morning, while I was sleeping. (I woke up for a few seconds to touch it. I think my brain wanted me to check out my penis.) So I know I can get erections, it's probably PIED. I am 4 years clean and still have PIED? That doesn't seem likely, but I get no spontaneous erections or erections to stimulation.

    Maybe I am addicted to the internet and this has somehow become a replacement addiction. Maybe what little MO I do and what little TV/movie sexiness and nudity I do see are enough to keep me under the PIED spell. I should check out YBOP's videos and articles on PIED again. But I'm too tired now.
     
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Maybe you have unwired from P, but you still need to wire to touch to get erections. It could just be a matter of practice, right? Nontheless, if you can get erections from fantasy you are in a way better position than many guys with PIED.

    Regarding @dark red drifter vessel's post and your last post: try writing 'want' instead of 'should'. I want to be more confident or I want to check out YBOP video's is a way more positive message to yourself than 'I should'.

    Keep up the good work @nuclpow
     
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  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yeah! Maybe if I fool around with a woman I'm attracted to it'll help with rewiring.
    Good advice, thanks. I'll try it now. I want to re-read some stuff on YBOP right now.
    Thank you.

    Status update

    I have FMOed twice in the past few days. One time after being warned that trying to practice Christian sexual morality harms people. I don't really think this, yet, but it did lead me to think that maybe a little M wasn't harmful. Another time was after thinking about all this forcing myself not to do anything sexual for years and years and years.

    Honestly, I think I'm really sick and tired of trying to control my sexuality into abstinence and the repression that brings. I don't know if that's a good or bad feeling, but I think it's really reasonable after 30 years of having a sex drive and only really rarely having sex.

    I have prayed to God about having friendship and dating, or sex and marriage, and I want to get more confident so I can go out and meet women. I want to consult with God to make sure I marry the right woman, but that's probably a long way off and not really related to just me getting out of the house more.

    @dark red drifter vessel, yes, I'm cruel to myself. I want to do therapy to stop it, and I have a free therapist on Youtube now. (It's not so easy for me to get real therapy.) I like the dual thought of being happy with yourself but also wanting to improve. Thanks a lot for your post.
     
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