I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    Just FMOed. I think I half-intended to try a mindful MO, but I got into sexual fantasy, and then further and further into it. I even edged some to get more fantasy going. Anyway I don't want to keep up this behaviour. I think it might help me to keep having PIED, help me stay in sex addiction, stay attached to an ex-girlfriend, and I just think that FMO is wrong.

    I'm not sure what triggered it. I looked at a lot of this site today and posted. Maybe all that sexual talk got me going. I'm probably repressing my sexuality all the time so I don't MO to fantasy, and my subconscious is looking for relief. Maybe it was me talking about beautiful women earlier and a revealing picture of a woman country diva.

    I started with one fantasy but moved on to ones of my ex-girlfriend, my first (and perhaps only) sex partner. I don't know if I'll ever recover from that sexual activity with her, and that was in the 90s. I guess my next sex partner might have to work within that.

    I'm falling off the wagon as far as no-FMO goes. (Fortunately no temptations to look at P.) I'm not sure what to do, I'm probably not making things much worse. I'm tempted to do it again tonight, maybe the only thing stopping me is that I'll have to put it in my signature and maybe confess it to my 12 step group.

    Edit: For some reason I still want to try a mindful MO. Let's see if I can keep fantasy out of it.

    Edit: Tried to do a mindful MO, but almost the entire time kept getting fantasy into it. I tried Ming to just sensation only and it was just tedious and I got no erection. Also my erection from fantasy starts to go away right away after stopping the fantasy. I'm still thinking of trying again some other day. Maybe the time naked and trying to regenerate my old sexuality is doing me good.

    Edit: Here's the picture that may have gotten me excited (possible trigger warning) (Edit again: Took off link since it's not necessary. It was of a famous singer with very pretty hair and showing the skin of her back.). And I'm still naked to see if it helps.
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2023
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    I tried to mindful MO but failed again and FMOed to terrible sexual fantasies :(. I think I should give up on trying to mindful MO for a while. I hurt my penis, too.

    Maybe I should pray to God about quitting sexual fantasies and M, and go to my 12 step meetings more often. I tried but I kept going to fantasy, and if I keep doing sexual fantasy so easily, maybe I'm really addicted to that and need to be cured from that, too.

    Edit the next day: I have noticed that FMO is a whole lot less bad than binging for 5 hours (or more, off and on over 3 days) on hardcore internet porn. I feel off, tired and a little guilty, but not in crisis like I would from P.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2023
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    No MO since last. I do think it's kind of funny that I can MO to ridiculous sexual fantasies but not to mere touch.

    On YBOP Gary says that the essence of porn is fantasy over reality. I guess that's a good summary of why FMOing for me is staying addicted to pornography.

    Anyway I went and did constructive things instead of just lying around and I feel a lot better. I don't have a plan of how to mindful MO, though. Maybe if I make out with a real woman it could help rewire my sexuality.
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update on NoA and rewiring

    I looked at one sexy picture far too much, and listened to a song about sex. I've turned Youtube Music back to Taylor Swift, mostly an unsexy singer. This NoA stuff is pretty hard.

    Maybe in 4 weeks I can try a mindful MO again, but I'd have to quit as soon as I had feelings of fantasy creeping up on me again. Actually maybe I should try every 3 days, because it would only last a few seconds before fantasy comes by to ruin it.

    Fantasy is a weird thing, I generate some images of sexual things and boom my penis thinks it's in sexual activity with another person. I'm pretty lonely, and having memories of past sexual experience isn't helping.

    I think I need to put more thought into this rewiring and NoA.

    Edit: I was thinking about a sex because a song was talking about wearing a smile, and I saw another sexy picture by a usually unsexy musician. I used to let myself view the occasional picture, because it didn't turn me on too much and partially because they were hard to avoid, but I think I've been viewing way too many recently and I have to clamp down on them.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2023
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update for NoA

    I turned on Dr. Phil today and I saw one attractive woman in a bikini, old people making a sexual reference, scantily clad females, cleavage, breastfeeding... Most of that was in commercials. I decided to leave it on, even though it might have been making me have sexual thoughts.

    It's only one show, but I'm starting to be reminded and amazed how sexually saturated our society is.

    Edit: I feel a little more tired than usual (I normally feel tired), and in a little discomfort. I think it's because I Oed twice recently, but I also think I am starting to go through withdrawal for sexy images and sexual arousal. It looks like NoA is starting to work on me.
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2023
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Update on NoA

    Same day. No acting out since last. I am having porn images from years ago occur in my mind. I hope that's only temporary, but that's just a hope, because I know I have seen enough porn to last me the rest of my life (and several more).

    Anyway I think this practicing NoA is a very rewarding project so far. I'd really like to stop thinking about and detox from sex, and with medication reducing my sex drive, maybe I can. I think I fear that if I stop thinking about sex and let go of control of myself I'll lose all the work I've done on my sexuality from youth and I'll lose all sexuality or become a pervert or something. I should probably talk to a therapist...

    Edit: I'm having some temptations to FMO based on memories of an ex-girlfriend. Maybe if I tell myself it'd be wrong and unhealthy (and probably impossible) ever to go back to her I'll lose this source of temptations.

    Edit again: Watched two episodes of Batman The Animated Series with sexy Catwoman. I'm not sure if I should have been watching even. I did some lustful looking at Catwoman, and sometimes I looked away. I don't know how I'm going to avoid sexy stuff and still watch TV and movies.

    Edit again 2: And I heard songs about sex on the radio. I think this caused no arousal. The Catwoman animation probably did, though.
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2023
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Update on NoA

    I saw some really old fashioned, gross pornography on a public television show about propaganda. I don't think I liked any of it, but it may have caused me to be aroused against my will anyway. Anyway, I think I've improved somewhat to do with avoiding arousal.

    I haven't tried a mindful MO recently, and feel like it would fail.
     
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    I've woken up a couple times with soft erections. Is this my morning wood? Not sure why it's not hard then. I can get hard to heavy fantasy, so I know my dick works physically.

    I've been listening to the radio and I heard two songs with very sexy music videos. I couldn't stop myself from remembering them. Maybe I should put on audiobooks instead of the radio... I could remind myself that I'm never going to date Rihanna and I can't date 18-year-olds anymore and I can't date more than one woman.... that could shut down some of the allure of the videos.

    I think I'm being slightly silly, but working on NoA seems to be helping.

    Edit: Watched two cartoon shows with sexy or sexual content... saw cartoon nudity... I'm wondering if I have previously made a habit of watching all the sexy stuff I could, or if it's just that everything for adults in society is sexual, or just coincidence.
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2023
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    Watched two sexy music videos...err... Listened to a song on the radio with a sexy music video that I could remember... sexually fantasised for several minutes... I watched the music videos because I wanted to hear lyrics that remind me of a bad time in my life, but I guess I could have just listened.

    Edit: Well, I think I did a partial mindful but mostly fantasy MO. I was able to, I think, partially get an erection just thinking about masturbation, and to keep an erection just from stimulation. That said, I think it was mostly FMO, but I still think I made a lot of progress because it was partially mindful. I got excited about touching myself.
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2023
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    I've been doing good since my last MO. No sexy music videos, although a movie I watched had a very sexy character. No M in this time, and no nudity or of course P.

    I'm thinking I should try a mindful MO once a month or so.

    I think it'd also be good to have sex with a real woman. I'd have to be married first, and I hear that's really hard, and I don't have a lot of spare energy. Maybe God will help me with that, I think he wants to see me have sex too. (Not in a voyeuristic way, God sees everything and I don't think he's a pervert.)

    Edit: I forgot that I watched two movies lately. One had 3 attractive ladies approximately my age, and one had an impossibly sexy lady in a voyeuristic scene and other scenes. That last one probably didn't help my NoA, but I am finding it hard to tell what arouses me and what just makes me think of sex.

    Edit: Watched another movie with cleavage, sexuality, bums. I think I'm more roiled up by all the swearing and violence in the movie, though. Again, I don't know how I'm going to watch movies for adults (or even teens and adults) without sexuality... and I know it's tedious to read me posting what I just watched, but for now I think it's helping with my effort to go NoA and rewire to real women.
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2023
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Still trying to practice NoA. I am starting to notice exactly how much I look at girls and try to look at their legs or chests. I'm starting to think I'm a pervert after all. At least I'm trying to recover from it, and I've been trying to behave better sexually most of my life. I think it's being enlightening. It's also nice to be looking at women's faces and hair more often, they're both really beautiful.

    No urges to MO recently. I think my recent partially mindful MO will hold me off for a while. I hope this is a good sign that I'm rewiring. From what I remember of the YBOP material, it might not take that much to rewire to real women. Certainly not as much as it took for me to wire to P/fantasy in the first place.
     
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I looked at two videos of some of the world's most attractive people (I stopped the second video early into it). Then I looked up one of the women and saw some sexuality on Youtube. I am not sure why I did all this. I suppose because I have no wife and I like beautiful women's faces. I'm not sure how bad it is for NoA, but seeing cleavage and skin is definitely not helpful.
     
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I did an MO now, basically entirely a sexual fantasy MO. I am not sure why I did it, I don't think I was sexually aroused or had exposed myself to too much sexual stuff. Maybe it was just because I remember my last MO, which was mostly fantasy, and I wanted to feel that nice again. I'm not sure I'll put it in my signature.
     
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status with NoA

    No M or fantasy since last. I assume I've seen sexy things since then, but not much.

    I read the YBOP article on "Wiring to hairless genitals... oops!" and I probably did do that a bit, I like that look a lot more than I used to. But he says we can rewire from that back to normal. It says not to use fantasies (and of course no porn).

    Either way, I think I should quit fantasies. I don't want to do partially fantasy MOs anymore. I also want to rewire to real women. Maybe I can get a real girlfriend. I think kissing might be enough to rewire my sexuality towards real women.

    I think I can probably refrain from FMO, but it is tedious and a bit of a strain to do that and go without sex for years. I have some vague ideas on how to socialise and maybe meet a girl, but I don't know when or if I can do them...
     
  15. tig

    tig Active Member

    Hi Nuclpow,

    Amazing commitment to keep posting here after being 1000+ days without porn. You have a real commitment to self-improvement.

    Yes. Being intimate with women is what helped me rewire. All parts of it. All the five senses. The brain to brain connection between you and the women. The fact that you are having sexual (and non-sexual) stimulation from another living human being who is also getting sexual (and non-sexual) stimulation from you. It's all great man.

    When? Now. Today. As soon as is possible and convenient for you. Can you go and do a social activity today? Can you join a class (exercise, dancing, etc) today? Can you call up a friend and ask him to come along to a bar/club tonight?
    "I don't know if I can do it?" Yes, you can! Self-belief. Self-confidence. But to manage your expectations: if you're like most people (and like me) you might not be very good at it at first. But you get better at it as you go, as you have new experiences and build your belief and confidence. You build you aeroplane as you are flying it. Jump in the cold water! (a mix of metaphors there).
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Hi, tig, I like your post but I want to reply when I've thought about it more, so maybe later.

    Status

    Twice today I did some FM. The first time I was triggered a bit by my earlier post about hair on the genitals, and I thought fantasising about pubic hair might help rewire me, but I just kept thinking of porn I've seen or having sexual fantasies. Just now (just before writing this) I did some more FM, but quit before O. I may be low on self-control because I woke up earlier than usual today and didn't get my full sleep. I know that being mentally tired was a big problem when I was trying to quit P.

    Well, I'm still tempted to M or FM, so maybe I'll stay here and off the couch, which is where I've liked acting out lately.
     
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I do seem to have that motivation. I'm also here because I still think I need to cure PIED and rewire to real women, and to see if I can help others.
    Okay, good to know.
    I think I could definitely use more self-belief and self-confidence. I am working on getting out more and socially interacting with people more, though.

    Status update

    I did another FMO. I don't know why. The only clues I have are that I was very horny yesterday, and that I have been waking up earlier than I usually do, which may mean I'm tired and have less self-control. I intend to keep going to SAA meetings, but I am starting to think that maybe the main solution to managing my sexual urges is to have a wife and have regular sex.

    Edit: Maybe just being generally stressed helps me want to FM. I also watched a movie called Naked yesterday, though it has no female nudity or even very sexy females. It has a mostly naked man a lot, though. I'm not attracted to that, but maybe it made me think of sex anyway.

    Edit again: I thought it was worth mentioning that in my MO I did some physical stuff just for pleasure, instead of just fantasy. It may be that I am being way, way too hard on myself and I should just MO for fun, or better yet, have real sex with a wife.

    Edit again again: I am feeling the urge to go outside and go on a walk of shame from my MO, like in my old PMO days. I'm not sure why, maybe watching Naked was a sin because of the male nudity? I'm thinking of staying in and seeing what happens. Yeah, I can't explain this situation either.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2023
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Update

    I did some more FM without O, and I'm wondering what's going on. It's not a calamity, yet, but I have fallen off the no FMO wagon a bit. Maybe it's that extinction burst that I talked about earlier, that is, my habituated brain doing everything it can to keep FM in my life. Being tired and stressed probably isn't helping.

    This NoA and not thinking about sex is harder than it looks. Maybe I'm running into the thought avoidant paradox, that is, when I'm trying not to think about sex it makes me think about sex more.
     
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    I've been okay in the last day. I've been refraining from F and M, and I think practicing NoA. I've been keeping busy, also, which may be helping with the NoA. I have been working on piano and educational stuff, and also I'm reading more and being on the internet and watching TV less.

    I have been waking up earlier recently and feeling more motivated. Is my dopamine level recovering? I know that gives you motivation. Maye that partial FMO did me a lot of good. Maybe it's from the NoA, or just a natural result of trying to recover for years.

    Right now I'm tired and can't sleep. Uh oh, it might be a bipolar episode. Those make me not sleep, be irritable, get a lot done, and have a high urge for sexual activity, but also high energy in resisting sexual activity. I guess I'll know in a couple days if it's a bipolar episode of hypomania.
     
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I was tempted to FM today. Earlier I had some sexual fantasies for a few minutes, longer than needed to happen. I've also seen sexy images today without looking for them. This NoA stuff is hard, though I think today was not so bad.

    I think I'm fine as far as bipolar.

    Edit: I attended an SAA meeting but was not able to share. I thought I should, but I seem to be fine now.

    Edit again: I tried to watch a Netflix TV show but it had way too much sexuality and nudity in the first few minutes. I stopped watching it, but it's in my mind now, and I have to detox. I also think I might have to feel bad for a while, because nudity is supposed to be special, and the making of that show is a disaster. Well, that's a weird way of putting it... it may not be enjoyable mentally rejecting all those images for the purposes of sexual arousal.

    Edit again: I also have to resist the temptation to go back and finish watching the nudity, or more of the TV show, or worse, go back and re-watch the nudity again, and maybe M to it. That gratuitous of nudity in that show seems pornographic to me.

    Edit: I seem to have turned down that temptation. I am thinking that I should check the content warning for sex and nudity before watching any show or movie, and then go on Common Sense Media and see how much sex or nudity it actually has before I watch it.
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2023

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