I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I just saw on a TV show about addiction today, one man identified addiction as a pathological relationship with a drug. Actually I don't know if he said that, I tuned him out after he mentioned "pathos".

    I read on Wikipedia a long time ago that sex addiction, or maybe it was some other kind of addiction, is definied as having a pathological relationship with the drug.

    This is going somewhere. He said that pathos meant deep relationship, or deep empathy. This is how I feel about Internet porn. I have a deep, empathic, unhealthy relationship with Internet porn, particularly with particular themes or Web sites or subjects that come to mind.

    Now, my question is, does anyone else here find Internet porn highly, highly emotional? Like being about real despair, or real hate or real, sacrificial love? Because I think it's these intense emotions that bind me to porn when the internal degradation to my brain that causes the addiction isn't activated.

    I feel like I am caught in something a bit like a spider-web with all this, with the emotions of the people, some of whom seem to be having, or are at least pretending to be having, the emotions I'm talking about here. I think I need to detach and un-web from this relationship for me to replace it and say good-bye, and then have the courage, commitment and willingness to quit.

    ----

    This TV show also said that old-style addiction-quitting counselling was intense and all about ego-destroying.

    And then he said that that was proven to be not effective!

    This intense ego-destroying stuff makes me think of the Alcoholics Anonymous way, which I had been trying for like a decade, and it hadn't really worked for me at all, either.

    So I think I will give up on trying to practice the Twelve Steps (I completed Step One anyway) and just quit Internet porn in the sensible, straight-forward manner taught on Your Brain on Porn and this forum. This is a big deal to me, I'm really glad I caught that show today, which happened to be a repeat.

    I can probably tell someone the name of the show if they want, but it's probably only available in Canada.
     
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    My next projects for rebooting are:

    Starting a p. usage and m. activity chart as suggested by the Underdog in a binder.

    I am having a hard time getting this binder, or actually the paper and pens for it. It is partially because I take binders and pens and writing things down very seriously, and partially because I am anxious over-all.

    I want to do differently from what TheUnderdog suggests, though. Instead of just marking down when I do p. or m.-related activity, I want to put my full schedule in the binder. And then, whenever I am on the Internet looking up p. I will write that down in my binder later, in the spot where I should have been doing something else (such as relaxing and reading a book).

    I was going to make a schedule for me anyway, for daily activities and reminding me what I needed to do, and to keep track of my time, time management. So, in this way I will kill two birds with one stone. I'm just having trouble getting the binder and the paper and the pens.

    I also had one more idea. I get a lot of vivid dreams when I am rebooting, and so do a lot of other people here. Instead of just writing "sleep" from, for example, 11 PM to 8 AM, I will leave the full amount of space and fill it in the next day with the dreams I had.

    ----

    My project after that was to try to minimise temptations in my room. I keep wanting to eat, stay in bed or sleep all day, watch TV, lie around, and waste time playing computing games and on the WWW, and it exhausts my will power.

    And of course I am also often tempted to have s. fantasies or look up porn or sexy things on TV or the Internet.

    I am always tempted to relax my self-control and just go ahead and do all of these things. I usually give up and just go and do the thing that I want to do. I believe that all these self-control issues are exhausting my self-control quite quickly and that leads to porn consumption.

    I stay in a restricted environment, a small space. Everything that tempts me is within view. So my next project was to try to put everything away the best I can, including locking up my computer or Internet access a bit, but also to find some way to guarantee my ability to spend time outside more often, so my self-control muscle isn't exhausted anywhere near so quickly.

    The second part of that is to exercise my self control by saying no to all these things as much as I can, but not too much so that I exhaust myself and strain myself and end up having no self-control anyway. Again, the idea is to minimise the use of my self-control to keep myself from looking up Internet porn, and also I have to increase the strength of this muscle at the same time, too.

    ----

    A third idea I had was to do memorisation. I think I should do brute force memorisation of things every morning, things I have an interest in, like computer things or countries or scientific species names. I was going to do this for a time every morning, with flash cards.

    Also I wanted to read a stanza of poetry every morning, which is very stimulating to your mind I suppose.

    Speaking of scientific species names, this is a big idea here, too: I keep craving knowing about nature things, like grasshoppers or mammals or all the natural plants and animals around here. I have a desire in my mind for nature. I am sure this is from withdrawing from Internet porn and trying to replace it in my mind.

    I want to memorise and learn all the natural species around here, and how the whole environment or ecology or biological system works. I think I will find it fascinating. This is all really helpful and healthy.

    I used to be much more interested in these things, I think years of Internet use has made me less interested in these things. Internet porn has probably made me less interested or not interested in many good things...

    ----

    A fourth idea is to do creative writing. I noticed a long time ago that my s. fantasies and Internet porn consumption were highly creative, and I wanted to replace them with another creative activities. I tried that but didn't get very far.

    It was Your Brain on Porn that helped me be informed that I have to replace Internet porn with other, dopamine-raising activities, too, not just intellectual ones.

    I used to write little science fiction short stories. So, I want to go back to creative writing to replace my fantasies sometime, too. Plus I could put them on a Web page and people might read them.

    -----

    My fifth idea was to contact people on the Internet more as a help for good social feedback to help me feel more normal and get the dopamine hit from it, too. This I think I can do on Livejournal and with e-mail. I don't intend to replace real life socialisation either.
     
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Nothing to say.

    Watched too much TV today. No p. or m.. Too many sexy things on TV though. I should not have been watching that.

    I did successfully call my step-father and have a conversation with him. I told him about my recent status and it's also possible for me to visit his house for three days in the future. He also suggested two things I can do in the future which I can work on. Over-all, nothing bad happened and I got to talk for about 40 minutes and unload a bit.

    I think this is relevant to Internet porn because I think me going without for a while let me do that.

    Still feel miserable and resentful and am not really trying. I do think trying too hard in my previous reboot attempts was too hard on me and tried me too much.

    I should mention another positive thing that happened to me recently:

    I checked out the Web site of the girl I like. I liked the first part of the article that was showing. But mostly it was a good thing because I got to read her Web site and nothing bad happened (until I went beyond that). That is good just by itself, partially because it's her and it is very enjoyable.

    I am supposed to put a strong password on my Windows XP administrator account still, probably delete my Linux partition (ouch! really), and re-do my list of reasons for quitting on this journal (if I have one). I also still need a binder with paper for scheduling and putting down p. and m. instances and activities.
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Re: I avoided a trigger

    I changed that journal entry. Now I think only 60% of my problems are caused by Internet porn. I have changed my mind completely on this position.

    Fiddler, I have read your journal again recently (February 22nd, 2013, I just posted there today) and I don't think it's 100% for you, either.

    I agree with others that you have depression and I intend to post to your journal again and point out that I think so, and why.

    I believe now I have severe depression as well, and that it's preventing me from trying a reboot.

    No! You should not try to convince yourself of anything by force, and I don't think it will help you reboot. Also, honesty is best for rebooting, and making things too complicated is bad for rebooting.
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Thank you for checking up on me. Congratulations on the high counter (21 days no P at this point), it's encouraging for me.

    I have been avoiding Internet porn except for a binge a few days ago.

    Yesterday I read my improvement literature, Bible, did an extremely, extremely short amount of running, and meditated a bit. It was an improvement because I didn't have to stress out myself to do it, and I did very little of each to start with (so as not to stress myself out with it).

    I have to post further about really what's been happening for the last two months and about how I think severe depression is a more important problem than trying to quit Internet porn now.

    No. I am not sure about that. It is probably fifth on the list of things I could do to help quit Internet porn. Actually I've used the Linux partition more.

    You like Linux, right? I had the idea of installing Linux only on this computer. Maybe I can do that. I think putting off Internet porn let me think of it.

    Seriously, the most important thing is I think I have to treat severe depression before I make a new serious rebooting attempt.
     
  6. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Re: I avoided a trigger

    Yes, it's hard to actually understand when you are feeling down because of PMO or because of your depression. For example, yesterday I felt very depressed but in the evening it improved. Was it a bad moment due to withdrawal symptoms or I felt depressed because I couldn't do much due to the headaches and foggy mind I'm having? And, did it improve because the chemicals in the brain adjusted a bit or because I had some words of encouragement in my journal?

    It's really, really hard to know it for sure. Too many variables at play. One thing I have understood though is to not let the depression dominate you; accept it's there, accept that it's what is happening in a given moment but don't think "omg, I am depressed, I can't do anything about that!". Because that reinforces it.
     
  7. CrazyGopher

    CrazyGopher Member

    Yes, I love it, although if it's causing you problems with porn, maybe you shouldn't use it! :eek:

    Did you know the hosts file blocking works in linux too? The file is at /etc/hosts, and you have to edit it as root. 8)

    Anyway, I hope you can get your depression treated, if you feel like that's what you need to do.
     
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    It does trigger me a little. Actually I don't want to talk about Linux.

    See this post I made to Lysander's journal about Linux.

    Thanks. I think I over-stated it in my journal, but I think I still need treatment.

    Current status:

    I am not currently trying to reboot. I don't have the motivation for it, or a plan. Other, previous rebooting attempts I did have the motivation, and a plan. I worked hard on it, too, and made a lot of progress, especially on my first, second and third rebooting attempts. I think when I saw a woman police officer in one of my rebooting attempts, it was really approval from the law for what I was attempting, seriously considering permanently giving up porn.

    I have added Youtube to my block list.

    I put some thought into giving up TV porn, and sexy things on TV, which seems to be a major gateway for me into Internet porn. I didn't realise how big a problem it was.

    I read the list of 100 benefits twice about an hour ago. I have also read two major pages from YBOP about the basics of rebooting, that is, beginning again, and am on the third page now. This is helping give me motivation again, but it's still not enough for me to do the actual work, or think it out in my head the weeks of work and many months of rebooting ahead.

    One problem I remember from my previous rebooting attempts was that I had a severe lack of fun. I didn't know any ways to have fun. That's partially because I don't normally know how to have fun, and partially because I don't have any friends set up here at the moment, and partially because I have extreme difficulty doing anything, particularly fun things, and partially because I'm rebellious and will refuse to do fun things just because I would prefer to ground myself and rebel.

    Another difficulty was that while not doing any m. and not looking at any p. I began to feel very desirous over all the female acquaintances I've ever been close to, and these maybe were triggers for fantasy, which lead to p. I think I have to tell someone about these relationships, sort of as a confession, and admit fantasies to do with these people are not realistic.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I solved this by remembering to do one day, then three days, then a week if you are faltering, instead of 120 days all at once. I did that, and a few weeks later I am here now, reading YBOP again and possibly slightly back on track, and definitely not binging on porn for a while.

    Status updates for general readers:

    I keep resetting my P tracker for nudity I see on TV. I'm not consciously looking for it, but I know I shouldn't be watching TV late at night or flipping through channels on it, or even be awake at night.

    I once said I would do push-ups or running for a replacement for Internet porn. That's not good enough, I don't like doing those things anyway.

    I think I need to do writing, especially with a lot of research, as a replacement for Internet porn. I need, and I do really, really need, to do lots and lots of writing, including journal writing. But most of my writing would have to be done on computer, if only because my pen fingers would get tired.

    It doesn't look like it, but I mostly completed VIM tutor! I also continued to practice the typing tutor and got pretty far at it. So, with these two things, it's a good thing I did them so I can continue to write! I need something to practice the VIM tutor results with.

    I just now tried to set a strong password on my Windows XP account. Maybe I can finish.
     
  10. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Congrats! You'll become a Vim expert in no time :)

    If you have any questions about it, do ask, I've been using Vim for more than 10 years now.
     
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I didn't finish. I watched TV and movie with nudity on it, and I began acting out to it and finished to Internet porn, though not very much of it. This was early Monday morning. I had a really, really long day which is one of my triggers. I am not trying to reboot so this isn't a failure with rebooting.

    I ought to have set that strong Windows XP password and not turned on the TV but I didn't, because I didn't want to switch to a disciplined life, and also leave porn behind. I was thinking I would get away with it, but I never do. Have to try again for the Windows XP password I guess.

    I think I have to keep Windows XP on until I make serious headway into quitting Internet porn. Too much of a change in my computer will set back my focus on my rebooting effort.

    Speaking of my rebooting effort, I have none. YBOP says that some people trying to reboot just try it with willpower and a plan to be tough. I have to have a real plan, and I'll want it to be thought out.

    This post is not very good due to my previous acting out and me not getting a lot of sleep lately, and me not really trying. I ought to set it right later.
     
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    CrazyGopher and Fiddler

    I will have to reply to your posts after my status update.

    Status update

    My counter is accurate. It really has been 10 days since I last looked at P. I did a very small amount of m. to fantasies but that was only for a few seconds. I did look at some sexy pictures on TV and on the Internet lately but did not look at them further and did not look at porn shortly after that.

    My attitude changed from bad to good about two weeks ago, which is the biggest thing that I thought was stopping me from rebooting successfully. I think my attitude is going bad again, though. Lack of a good attitude means I don't try, including not trying to quit Internet porn. I don't try anything at all.

    Trip I had to my dad's and trigger afterwards

    I went on a trip to my step-father's house last week, and then stayed in a hotel for two days after that. I did a lot of activities while staying those two places. None of them porn. A really little masturbation. The point is, this is exactly the sort of thing that triggers me, either when I'm there or when I come home.

    Here is a post explaining the exact same thing. I was replying to a post made by Fiddler, who I now realise has been more helpful than I expected and I am humbled a bit. Actually, after looking at that post myself I see that it is pretty much exactly the same as far as triggers. Maybe it wasn't the appointment that was the main thing.

    After getting home I was tempted a lot, especially after 10 PM, the next two nights, Monday and Tuesday, but I didn't look up porn on the Internet. I was pretty tempted though. I guess I'm glad I didn't.

    Last temptation and flat-line

    A few days ago I came really close to looking up porn on the Internet though. I had my computer on for no reason and was logged onto the administrator account, where I can disable my hosts list protection. I really really wanted to act out, but I think I just wasted time on the computer and eventually went to bed. I think this was early morning Wednesday, which would be little more than yesterday.

    I believe I was in a flatline for about two weeks towards the end of February. It wasn't until Wednesday that seeing a sexual image on TV would trigger anything in me at all. It would affect me, but only for a few seconds, and I was able to turn down any urges right away. In fact I feared I wasn't really turning down the urges and they would come back at me later and take me over. I had been in a flat-line before, probably about four times in total.

    Not having MO for a while

    After reaching 10 days with very little or next to no p. or m. or unrealistic sexual fantasies I do feel some differences. Actually I was very surprised to see that I had even reached 9 days! And this has been very little sexy images and only one very small incident of masturbation, this is much less sexual-related activity than I usually have when I'm not doing Internet porn. Anyway, on to the differences I think I have seen after 9 or 10 days no MO. It seems like a lot.

    I identify with
    which I just read just now, and would not have been able to say otherwise.

    I don't feel good, but I feel more powerful over-all, more alert, and like I have more time in each day. I am sure my mind is more powerful and I am capable of getting more done. In fact I am getting more done. I got a lot of writing, mostly journalling done, and installed two much and badly needed programs on my computer, which is a big change for me and is hard. I'm sure I've done other things, too.

    What I need to do in the future

    I think the biggest things that I definitely need to do, must do, in order for me to reboot are to exercise and meditate regularly, at least three times a week for each. This is recommended by YBOP here and here and of course other places. This post from the same journal as the previous quote says the exact same thing.

    I really, really don't want to. I really don't want to meditate or exercise regularly. I don't even find it unpleasant when I do! I just really don't want to do it. Maybe it's my mind or my personality not wanting to get better, because if I do those things regularly, I probably will get a lot better, even if that's the only thing I do. I just really, really don't want to, not regularly, even if only three times a week for each.

    Maybe if I got accountability for doing those things, or if I reward myself with something I like for doing them. I repeat, once I actually start meditating or exercising, I don't mind it at all, not if it's only for half an hour three to five times a week. Not every day though. I think me trying to do those things every day a few months ago really tired me out and helped me quit my rebooting effort. I really don't want to. I think it's partially the idea of me getting any discipline at all. I think I am highly averse to discipline due to personality, bad experiences, over-doing it, and other reasons.

    Final status

    I still don't know if I am "on the wagon" or officially trying another unofficial Your Brain on Porn-style reboot from addiction to Internet porn. I should discuss this in another post.
     
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Hesitancy about really trying to reboot again

    I guess I am on my fifth unofficial rebooting attempt, mainly because I don't know what else to do. I don't think I committed, and I don't think I have a plan.

    I also don't think I have given myself enough time to think about the reality of giving up TV and Internet porn permanently. I don't even believe in it or think it's a good idea. It's pretty much the opposite of what I believe in or think is a good idea. I don't know what the main issue is.

    I think there is something affecting me that I have not identified yet that interferes with me trying to reboot from Internet porn. For a while I thought it might be Internet porn but now I think it's something else I don't know what it is.

    CrazyGopher, I still think you're right about your comment to be either on the wagon or off the wagon that you gave a long time ago. I think you should be giving me advice, not me giving you advice.

    Motivation for quitting Internet porn

    I was going to write a list in one of my books about my reasons for quitting Internet porn. This is the main one that stuck out to me a few days ago: It lets me seek God.

    I used to think that me seeking God was what let me accomplish things in life, but now I think it's me trying really hard to be good, and abstaining from TV and Internet porn and unrealistic fantasies and masturbation that lets me seek God.

    I know you don't know what it means to "seek God", but it always ends up letting me advance my life in a big way with possessions, places to live, computers, reputation, status with family and extended family and just generally making me look good to society and everyone. So that's one of the reasons I'm motivated to do that.

    Main difficulty with rebooting

    My main difficulty with rebooting is making a change in my lifestyle. I don't want a permanent change to my lifestyle.

    I don't want to change my routine. I don't even want to have a routine. I don't want order in my life, I think because routine would never be me doing want I would want, and that defeats the point.

    So I don't think I can add exercise or meditation or anything else into my lifestyle permanently. I don't have a lifestyle to begin with to add things into.

    I experience a great, huge amount of resistance on the idea of adding regular exercise and meditation into my life. Although half an hour for each three to five times a week doesn't sound so bad. It's starting to sound a little good, actually.

    I still think I really freaked myself out a few months ago with trying to meditate and exercise for a sold half hour ever single day, and the 10 other things that I was attempting to do every day.

    So that's where I am with introducing a permanent lifestyle change. I don't want any. I fear it for some reason. This may be a problem I have that is not related to Internet porn, but is interfering with it.

    Other updates

    A few months ago I said that my current project was staying awake during the day and sleeping at night. I guess I am finished it. I decided to take it easier and as long as I was sleeping at least half at night I should practice actually doing things for the day.

    I still don't have any occupation during the day, such as researching and writing or computer programming. I have little to do to be busy with.
     
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I think I should get it treated of course, including with exercise. I think I basically have to fix it if I want to quit Internet porn, since depression kills your motivation and you need a lot of motivation to quit Internet porn. Quitting Internet porn would probably help as a long term solution, too.

    I identify with your and Fiddler's enthusiasm for technology. I want you to read a post I made a long time ago to this forum. It was one of my first posts since making this new account. Here, read it here. It's one of the most honest posts I've ever made here, and maybe one of the most honest things I've ever said period. The top half of the post is, anyway, the second half just ordinary.

    I wanted to use my favourite operating system as a reward for quitting Internet porn. I was also hoping to boot to it as a replacement activity for Internet porn, since it was intellectual and fun, as well as informative. I was also hoping to boot to it to read books and static, text files while off-line, since I find it more peaceful and pleasant than Windows, and not go on-line with it to keep away from Internet porn.
     
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Difficulties anticipated for future rebooting

    Difficulties during previous reboots
    • Starving for having fun. Could not think of anything I could do for fun
    • Kept thinking about sex to do with all the women I knew
    I guess that last one is about going without sex.

    Benefits I've noticed of going without
    • I find myself hungry for foreign languages, I even watch French on TV sometimes
    • Lately I've really been finding myself wanting to associate with and talk to different acquaintances close to my own age, friendships in other words. This is more healthy than is normal for me
    • I already mentioned this, but going without MO seems to give me an extreme appetite for scientific things like mathematics and physics, I think it's the preserved testosterone
    I think that's enough posting for me for one day, I think it was six posts total. I should post every day if I can, and focus on this.

    One of the reasons I don't is that I have to boot Windows and I don't like Windows. Another is fear of turning the computer on at all, that I will avoid reality or look up Internet porn. Another is in the last hotel I hesitated to turn my Internet on there. Also the Internet here goes down a lot.
     
  16. CrazyGopher

    CrazyGopher Member

    I read the post. An offline linux PC is not a bad idea! I remember, one of the guys I respect a lot, Don Knuth, does that. Except, he uses Ubuntu and not Linux Mint.
    Here is the interview.

    Another advantage of having it offline is you don't have to worry at all about network security. If you accidentally get some malware somehow, it can't do as much damage.
     
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Status update

    I'll have to reply to the individual posts later.

    My counter is not accurate. It says 17 days no P, 17 days no M. I am going to go back and reset the M counter for a really little but of m. I did on early Monday morning I think. I mention it here.

    I have to reset my P counter too because I looked at some nudity I think on TV two nights ago. It was very little amount but it still counts. I know not to watch TV late at night, or cruise through the channels looking for something sexy. I am going to reset my counter there, too.

    I think I ought to report here when I do borderline activities like that, such as watch TV late at night or cruise for sexy images on it, or visit Youtube or other sites that might trigger me, but not necessarily reset my counter.

    Still, it's not very much activity over all. Just two little things over the last month I think.
    It's been at least a month since I binged on porn I think.

    Flat-line and penis size

    Speaking of little things I think I have been in flat-line most of the time because I feel unenthusiastic, because I am not easily triggered by sexy things I see on TV or on the Internet, and because my penis seems to be small and get fewer erections than normal.

    I have seen other people here be upset on decreased penis size while rebooting and I can understand it now. I find it disconcerting myself. I believe it will come back.

    My rebooting effort last week

    I only meditated for ten minutes on Monday. It could have been more. I think I tried 20 minutes on Wednesday or Thursday. I have not exercised.

    I have tried to stay awake during the day and sleep at night with some success. I have tried to reduce the amount of television watched with little success. I think too much TV prevents me from rebooting, as well as doing anything constructive.

    My willpower on rebooting

    I think I am trying for a reboot, but I don't seriously have a plan. I guess my plan is white-knuckling and willpower and while I slowly try to add the other activities. I know that willpower and white-knuckling are exactly what not to do according to the main Tools for Change article from Your Brain On Porn.

    I guess I'm thinking I can make it anyway because I'm tough, experienced and mad, or at least long enough to get the new habits into place.

    It feels better being without porn though, less anxious, less fearful around others, more able to stand up for myself, head cleared a bit so I could at least have a talk to catch up on things with someone even though now I think I'm even more angry. I'm also sure my head has been clearer and able to think more clearly about reality and make realistic plans for advances and things to do in the future.

    I have been behaving lately so some opportunities, such as meeting friends or going to musical concerts and other positive things seem to be opening up for me.

    Actual rebooting plan

    I know I just ignored the Tools for Change article, but I still plan to do everything it says:
    • Friendly interactions
    • Journalling
    • Eating right
    • Meditation
    • Exercise
    • Time in nature
    • Avoiding stimulating TV or videos or video games
    I think the next thing to add is meditation, and then very quickly after that exercise.

    A man on TV mentioned meditating three to five times a week as an example of a New Year's resolution. This is a big relief me because I thought I had to do it every day. I tried and I think I hurt myself. I also had the idea to do that before the TV show.

    The same thing for exercise, I found out I could do it three to five times a week instead of every day. I also found out that that is the same for brain improvement for adults and seniors.

    I plan to try meditating only ten minutes three times a week for starters, and increase it to twenty minutes three times a week, and the five times a week, and the that's it. I plan the same for exercise, ten minutes three times a week up to half an hour five times a week, which is the minimum time needed to see health benefits from exercise.

    [Edit: This is exactly what Fiddler said to do six months ago in my journal, in the same post I refer to below]

    I have much more to post but I need to stop posting now.
     
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Mistake of going into fast food places

    I sinned by going in to a fast food place.

    Someone, who turns out to be Fiddler, told me to stop going in to fast food places.

    Two days ago I did, and I knew it was wrong. But since the I haven't, though! Except a Wendy's which I think was okay.

    I thought it was someone else. Turns out Fiddler has been supporting me for a long time and is wise.

    I have gone in to a donut store restaurant too many times too.

    Mistake of watching too much TV

    I just mentioned this in my last post. I spent almost the whole night watching TV, often cruising for sexy things or just hoping to find them. I eventually did and regretted it promptly. I knew I wasn't supposed to be looking at sexy things on TV or hoping to see nudity. I shouldn't even have been watching TV late at night.

    I think I shouldn't watch TV from 10 PM to 6 AM, and I think I should never look for sexy things on it. If I do I think I should report it here, but not reset my PMO counter unless I actually see P or do M. So that's one thing I can do.

    Mistake of using my other OS

    Two nights ago I booted to my other OS that is installed on this computer. It doesn't have any filtering or hosts file protection like my main OS does.

    I went on Youtube, which was probably wrong and saw a sexy advertisement right away. It was just like I see on porn Web sites except the woman was wearing clothes. I think I should have to report here if I ever do anything like that again, too, either accessing the Internet from my other OS or bypassing my hosts file filtering.

    That's all for this post, but I have to keep posting more.
     
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    used my other OS too much, bingeing behaviour?

    This post is going to be all about a bad experience I had using my other OS.

    Yesterday night I booted to my other OS and spent almost all the entire time running many programs for no reason, building programs from source, downloading and installing software packages, and browsing video Web sites (mostly music, no porn).

    I did this for hours and I don't really like the edition of my other OS so I found it uncomfortable. I think my behaviour was exactly the same as some types of bingeing on porn, especially with all the downloading and installing of new software packages. CrazyGopher knows everything I'm talking about as far as ease of downloading.

    I think it even counts as a partial setback of my reboot.

    I did it after having bad feelings that I couldn't do anything and was being rebellious, just like I would often do for looking up Internet porn or watching way too much TV.

    I felt cocky and out of control and did two unwise things while on the Internet (I just sent some not very good e-mails to friends I know, not evil, just foolish), and I felt cocky and unmitigated the next day, too, just like after a binge on Internet porn with m. and orgasm.

    So I think I can't use a highly automated version of this other OS until I'm fully rebooted from Internet porn. I think I'm too sensitive to it.

    CrazyGopher, this is not your fault! I'm a big boy and know what I'm doing as far as the other OS goes.
     
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Here are some other important things for me to note as far as my reboot and my experiences lately.

    Off and on determination

    For two weeks a while back I kept getting really big surges of determination to quit Internet porn. This determination would come after me thinking about my situation in life, all the things that have gone wrong and I have missed out on due to Internet porn, and all the things I have lost and battles I could have won if I had my brain in working order. This made me really determined. This was about once every two days.

    They seemed really sincere and I kept thinking I could get through a 90 reboot on sheer determination. I knew somewhere that determination like that wouldn't last and fortunately didn't choose to rely on it. It took some willpower but I chose to go to the YBOP Web site and come here and post to my journal and make practical plans instead. Still, it was a lot of determination and I wonder if I can keep it and use it.

    Also fortunately I didn't look up Internet porn in that time.

    I am still tempted

    I believe that at least three times I was severely tested to look up Internet porn on my computer and binge just like I used to do and that I came really close to doing it.

    I think the main thing that stopped me was me anger and thoughts about how it would ruin things for two or three days. Not a lot of thoughts about the real consequences.

    So, I am still having ongoing, recurring temptations to look up Internet porn on my computer and binge on it for hours. It's just like it used to be for me. I think I'm only in the early stages of this rebooting effort.

    I have had some improvements

    I have changed my habit of thinking about sexual things whenever I'm alone or dealing with a painful feeling, which is all the time for me. I think about sexual things a whole lot less and I think that has been a major habit change for my life.

    It also leads to less sexual fantasies, which is by itself one of the behaviours I can't do because it sets back rebooting, and also leads to less Internet porn and MO. So this I think is a big improvement and why I have been looking up Internet porn a whole lot less.

    Speaking of looking up Internet porn a whole lot less I think I have been successful at doing that, too. I think it only doesn't look like it because I am resetting my counter now for very little things I would not have reset it for in the past. I am sure I am looking up Internet porn a whole lot less. I also believe I am looking up TV porn a whole lot less.

    I also believe I am getting a lot better for avoiding things where there might be sexy women, such as Youtube or TV, and this reduces Internet porn consumption, too. Makes life a lot easier too if I don't have to resist the strain of being triggered all the time.

    So, I think I have just had improvements in my habits and behaviour from this reboot and previous attempts to reboot.
     

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