I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I decided it was okay to MO last night. Boy did I have a lot of semen. I have changed my counter and signature to reflect the loss of my no M streak. (Streaks aren't that important, anyway, like TheUnderdog says.) I do have a problem with the sick fantasies I used, but otherwise I don't feel so bad. I don't think it ruined my recovery from P much.

    I still don't know if I'll MO regularly or not. I'd rather not. I should put my energy into living better so I could possibly get a wife and have real sex.

    I don't really know how recovered from P I am. Have I got my frontal cortex back? I don't know. I'm certainly way less stressed, guilty and anxious, and I'm a lot more clear-headed. I am playing chess with my brother semi-regularly to help heal my brain. I still feel like I'm not using my whole brain to play, though. He's very intelligent and I lose about half the time.

    Is my PIED cured? I'm not sure. I get erections from sexual fantasies, but not from seeing sexy things on TV. Maybe that's normal, especially for my age (44).

    I'm very happy I'm not looking at P anymore, but I'd be happier if I knew that I was cured.
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I would argue that you are cured. You have been away from porn for almost four years now and you can masturbate without porn. There's nothing to worry about in my opinion. I think it's somewhat normal that we don't get erections from "a stiff breeze" (quote from Gary Wilson) once we're not teenagers or very young men anymore.
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks @-Luke-. I think I'm definitely free of the addiction, for now, but I'm not sure my brain or penis has recovered yet. I can't M without sexual fantasies that are unrealistic and probably wrong, not that I've tried this much. Maybe I should experiment with it.

    I've gotten the urge to M today which I believe is a chaser effect from my M on Monday (Sunday?). Yes, I'm a lot more sexually mature and not as sensitive about sex as I was when I was a teenager. I can see nudity and not get triggered now, though I still think it's not a good thing.

    I'd like to take a break from this sexually saturated society. Everywhere I look women (and girls) are being at least a little bit sexy, and it's hard to watch a lot of movies without nudity and TV shows and music videos often have sexy parts. I'd like to detox from sex and sexuality and recharge and reboot my brain on it.

    I dreamt I was looking up porn for some good reason. Fortunately it was only a dream, and I don't remember any porn from it. I'm still getting porn dreams...
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I think I should test my penis and see if I can M without fantasies or, of course, any kind of images or porn. For some reason I'm reluctant to try this.

    You see for me, unlike most porn addicts I looked up a lot of textual porn (stories), which has a lot more perverted and deviant ideas than mainstream internet porn. Also, I think I'm a sex addict in general, which most of you P addicts aren't. I think getting addicted to pictures porn and text porn was one and the same with me. That's why I think it's porn-addictive behaviour to M to excessive sexual fantasies.

    Okay, I think I can try M to just sensation now, without fantasy, and see what happens. Well, I got in to fantasy right away and wasn't able not to fantasise. Heh. Well, maybe I can try again later to see if I can M without any kind of fantasy. Now I'm all turned on and I'm listening to classical music to calm down and go back to normal, because I fear going back to my bed will result in an FMO.
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I've still been thinking of how to M without sexual fantasy. If I can M to sensation only I think it would be a great marker of my recovery.

    Last time I tried I thought I'd make myself real comfortable to help ensure I could get an erection, but I went straight-away into sexual fantasies. I guess I miss them a lot. I'm not even sure I could entirely replace them with a wife.

    There, I just had some sexual fantasies after trying to avoid it. I guess I can try Ming without fantasy another day.

    Edit: I tried talking about M without sexual fantasies to my 12 step group today, that is, I was thinking that maybe sexual fantasies are more a sex addiction thing than an internet porn addiction thing. I didn't get much help, but at least I tried it.
  6. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Google 'A guide to mindful masturbation for men' (Wordpress.com) and see if that helps.

    And don't feel too guilty about the fantasies. They are nothing like as dangerous as porn.
    -Luke- likes this.
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I read that guide, and it is a little bit similar to what I was hoping to do as far as M. I think it's a bit weird but I'm glad you shared it. Edit: I like the main idea of the document, and I intend to try it until I can do it.

    I've thought of doing mindful M a couple times today, but ended up sexually fantasising instead. I miss doing that. Boy, it's been like 20 years since I had sexual activity with another person. That's awful, but at least it's Christian and may help me in my theoretical future marriage.

    Yeah, sexual fantasies I think are not as addictive as internet porn, but I think my fantasies are partially porn-inspired, both from videos and stories, and the fantasies neural pathways may overlap with the porn neural pathways. And, I'm not saying the rest of you have to do this, but I think it's consistent with my Christian morality to avoid sexual fantasies unless they're with my wife and are practical and she wouldn't mind me sharing them. Actually the YBOP site says something similar, somewhere, about sexual fantasies.
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2023
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    To the person who started a conversation with me, I got your PM, and it was okay to PM me, but I can't figure out how to make a reply to the conversation.
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I tried to M for about 30 seconds but didn't get any hardness or growth in my penis. I haven't tried the whole mindful masturbation idea. I'm not sure I can, I guess I can say I don't quite believe in having sex alone. Maybe a little M for rewiring or relief is okay for me, though.
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I know others don't necessarily agree with me, not that I blame them, but I am still not sure I'm mentally recovered. I definitely think I got in real deep with internet porn, completely and thoroughly addicted, going back to it time and time again even though I didn't want to, and looking at the most depraved stuff (and some stuff that was not so much depraved but funny).

    Now, I was able to quit this addiction by having and keeping blocking on all my devices, and with the thought arriving in my head when I was going to act out: "You know, if you do this, and you meet any really attractive or hot women in the next few days, you will be totally embarrassed and flustered and not know what to say to them." I think a lot of things helped me quit, but these seem to be the last two ingredients. The craving for porn went away and after about a year I stopped M except for very special occasions.

    When I started the rebooting attempt that eventually got me clean, I went and read The "No Arousal" Method - Celibacy of Body AND Mind and
    My Thoughts On Rebooting [EXTREMELY LONG POST] posts. I still agree with these posts, and I think making efforts like they recommend probably helped me quit porn. @et-ow-1 made a post about how he quit internet porn and how he used those two posts and some Christian guidance to help him quit internet porn. Well, I've said all this to say that I think I should be trying NoA, life improvement, and fleeing sexual immorality, even though I quit porn a long time ago.

    I am still looking at women sexually in public, which I don't want to be doing, and constantly on TV or movies I'm looking at females to see if I can see cleavage or sexy legs. I'm probably thinking of sex nowhere near as much as when I was porn binging, but I still am. I'm going to make another list. Sexual things I'm still doing:

    • Compulsively checking out/looking at women sexually in public
    • Lustfully looking at females on TV/movies
    • Watching sexy music videos (about half of them are sexy)
    • Watching movies with nude scenes (hard to avoid)
    That's not as long a list as I was suspecting, but I still think I should quit sexual rumination and hypersexual media for my own health, and it may help recover my brain and PIED. I know I've posted posts like this before, but the above posts helped motivate me again.

    I guess I could listen to music videos instead of watching them, or listen to my CDs or the radio, and listen to classical. I could try to control myself when watching TV, and definitely not watching shows that seem to be all about sex, and change the channel or go read a book if I can't stop myself from scoping out lady legs or butt or whatever. I'm not sure how to avoid movie nudity though... sometimes they put it in there just to make the movie R-rated, and I like watching movies for grown-ups and not just G/PG/PG-13-rated movies. I could pause it and then look at the preview icons and fast forward past the nudity. And, of course I can avoid watching movies even in the first place if I know they're going to be all about sex.

    Well, that's a lot of habits to change, and I think it will take a while to accomplish that, but it feels sort of good to have something to work on again.
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    Update the same day! Things aren't going well. Not many hours after deciding not to look at anything sexy at all I found myself looking up pictures of an attractive celebrity and some sexy pictures. Then later I browsed two celebrity-related Reddit forums that had most of their images blurred out and marked NSFW. This was very dangerous and is the closest I've come to porn in years. :-(

    I'm thinking it was an "Extinction Burst", you know, when you're quitting a bad habit and the habit does everything it can to stay alive, becoming more alive than ever--for a time, until it dies off. Maybe in the future it'll be okay to look at non-sexy pictures of celebrities, but probably not soon. And there's paintings I can look at anyway if I crave to look at a beautiful woman.
  12. OldMillenial

    OldMillenial Member

    Pretty sure thats the average male before porn through a 56k modem became a thing. Well, I went one step further, probably not super rare but hid porn magazines in my room. The porn mags were the gateway drug to 56K modem-porn, and the rest is history.

    I remember thinking sometimes, shit, to think I could masturbate to this old music video back in the day, or even a fully clothed not extremely sexy TV presenter. If I stuck to that, I dont think I would have been having problems now almost 25 years later.
    nuclpow likes this.
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I talked to my brother about sexual thoughts when looking at women and he said that was normal. I would like not to, though, possibly due to my Christian beliefs or my huge conscience. I want to give my sexuality a much-needed (and well-earned) break from constant peaking of it. I'd also like to be sexually pure for my future wife, as idealistic as that may be.

    And I still think that practicing NoA will probably help me rewire from porn and cure my PIED, and is a good idea even if you're not a recovering porn addict.

    Status update

    On the sexual purity front I've been listening to Youtube Music on my phone. This usually doesn't show sexy music videos, but I saw a very sexy album cover and I looked at it for a couple minutes before hiding it. Argh, my sexuality is being hijacked to make me view and buy stuff, not to get me to love my (hypothetical) wife.

    I woke up a couple times with a hard-on. At least I know my penis works physically, I've just got to have PIED cured. I think I'll try mindful masturbation today, too.
    DBA likes this.
  14. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Don't be too hard on yourself. You have done fantastically well. I had a French colleague who used to sit in a cafe and watch the pretty girls go by, and many Frenchman do that.
    Of course, for us addicts the danger is that we go from that to porn, down the slippery slope. But you haven't done that.

    I quite recognise that you might feel that your Christian beliefs suggest that there is something wrong with looking at pretty girls. And, of course, Muslims make sure that
    the men can't do that by requiring their girls and women to wear the hijab. But I feel that you should not be too critical of yourself, unless of course it leads you
    back to porn.
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    Still working on NoA. I wrongly watched a little of The Big Bang theory, even though I knew it had a lot of sex content. Actually I probably watched it because I knew it had a lot of sex content. And it did have sex stuff when I watched it, but I turned it off after a few minutes.

    This NoA stuff is hard, but I feel like it's something I should be working on and it's helping me make progress on the sexual purity and rewiring fronts.

    I haven't tried mindful masturbation recently.
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I viewed some blurred out NSFW images on Reddit last week, maybe me looking at celebrities on the WWW is part of a slippery slope. Browsing those subreddits was definitely not compatible with NoA.

    Yeah, it's quite possible I could look at pretty women, but it would have to be all face (and maybe hair and shoes), no body. Actually, I think it might be in fact good for me.
    Hmm, I'm unsure why I don't think I should be looking at pretty faces IRL. Maybe I'm fine with it, but just socially anxious or awkward or not confident. Maybe I'm repressing my sexuality too much because I'm trying too hard to be careful not to do anything sexual I shouldn't. Not sure. Maybe in the future I'll have more ideas.

    Thanks for your post, @DBA.
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    I went and looked at a movie video for partially sexual reasons. I know this is tedious and boring, reading posts like this, but I have to acknowledge that I am still seeking sexual arousal despite wanting to quit it and having quit porn. I think it's good to know when I'm doing something sexual. Probably I'm checking out females in real life, like at parties, and I'll get outed as a pervert or horndog or something.

    Edit: I think I violated visual NoA a couple times already again, and I stuck on a picture on Imgur which had some curves but not cleavage... I'm not sure that last part hurt me. My mom said the picture was gross, though, so I guess I'll move on.

    Complete NoA is hard to do but good for me, I think, to have no sexual stimulation, thoughts, feelings, photos, video unless I actually should be being sexual, like with my wife.
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2023
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    More on NoA

    Maybe this is getting funny. I'm finding arousing females everywhere, even in a parody music video and on the nightly news. I still looked at them sexually, but I don't think I had much or any arousal. On the news I tried looking at faces of the women, which paid off, they were a lot of beautiful women.

    I guess this means I would have to leave society altogether to avoid arousing imagery. Maybe if I don't go looking for it, and avoid it when I see it, and look away or look at the face, I can avoid arousal. It's not all others' fault, though, I am definitely hyper-attuned to anything sexual on a screen, and I'm compulsively checking out anything that I can see that's sexual on a female on TV.

    I'm still desensitised to sexiness--I look at it compulsively but it doesn't bring pleasure like looking at the face. I would like to lose my compulsiveness to do with sexuality, and re-sensitise myself to real women. I'm all exhausted from looking sexually at women, and I'm not getting anything out of it.

    In real life women aren't all exquisitely beautiful, though most are attractive, and they have marks on their bodies or different shapes. I've got to go back to being happy with one of these, and sexually attracted to them. Which is not sad or undesirable, real women are enormously better than fake women on a screen. You can have a friendship with them, and, maybe, an actual rewarding sexual relationship.

    I'm also being reminded how often my sexuality is being exploited to make other people money.


    I've been reading a religious holy book and an etiquette book lately. I think it's better than hanging around the internet all day and definitely better than looking at sexy music videos.
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2023
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update on attempting NoA

    I think I should keep practicing NoA. Last temptations were my brother's girlfriend and music videos (even by a woman without a reputation for being sexy in public). I looked a little at my brother's girlfriend, but not too much I don't think. Maybe I should have listened to the radio or music.youtube.com instead of watching music videos. Later I watched a video where I was hoping to see adolescent chests.... very bad. But I stopped before too long.

    I'm noticing I have a lot of bad habits to do with looking for sexually arousing things, like legs or cleavage. It would do me a lot of good to be a lot more appropriate in my behaviour, even if it doesn't help me rewiring from porn. I don't look at P anymore and I don't even have temptations or urges to look at P. In that sense I'm highly recovered. But I still don't get erections from ordinary sexy things and I can't M without fantasy yet. I'm hoping persisting in NoA for several months might help with that.
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status update

    I've been good for a day or two. I've been listening to music on Youtube Music, which usually doesn't show sexy music videos. I'm listening to a famous country music singer who is not famous for being sexy. Youtube Music shows some sexy pictures of her, though. In an ideal world I would avoid those, but since I think I'm trying hard to practice NoA and avoid all sexuality, I'm allowing it. The picture has her turning to look at the camera with beautiful curly hair everywhere. I'm having feelings of desire when looking at her hair in this and other pictures, and I'm finding it real beautiful.

    I'd like to comment that I think I am on track to finding real women breathtakingly beautiful, if I look at the face and the hair, and that looking at this beauty is far, far more pleasurable and rewarding than checking out the sexy parts and looking at the skin and judging the skin by how many children I might be able to have with her. I think it would be a good lifestyle change to dump looking sexually at people forever (except with my wife in the bedroom), and just look at the beauty of the face and hair, and maybe someday the body and the clothing and the shoes.

    Well, it may encourage me to keep up with NoA because of all the beauty. Do you think walking around the city and smiling at beautiful women would be too weird?

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