I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yeah, that is pretty funny.:D
    Thanks for your vote of confidence. Yes, I am doing well, and I think I will continue to do well.

    I'd like to help out more for people who are still struggling. I sometimes read others' journals and sometimes make comments, but I feel like I don't have much useful to say. I can try to recommend the things that worked for me (AA/SAA/prayer, filtering on all my devices, keeping trying, trying to avoid triggering or arousing thoughts or images, avoiding risky behaviour/behaviour that's likely to end up in acting out), but I think I had a miraculous cure that might not be coming for other members here without years of prayer.

    I did improve my life a lot, too, and after I got into my own apartment and was eating every day and got some things to do other than stay on my laptop, something changed in my porn addiction. I didn't feel the urge to disable my filters (thought it was easily done) and binge... where before I would have been so craving porn I would have done anything to get around the blocking. Maybe it was the psychiatric medication that reduces my sex drive (olanzapine and/or escitalopram).

    If you guys have any questions or ideas, feel free to offer. I want to help out.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Hi nuclpow,

    What do you take the olanzapine for? Because I have bipolar I take sodium valproate, and another family member with bipolar takes quetiapine and lamotragine.

    Is the escitalopram good at dealing with depression?

    I thought of taking an SSRI to reduce my libido, but luckily having come off the dopamine agonist onto another medication I don't at the moment feel that I need an SSRI
    to do that.

    It is not easy trying to recover from porn addiction when there are other problems, and I really admire your 160 days. It is fantastic.
     
    Newwaynewlife likes this.
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I take olanzapine for anxiety or agitation. If I don't take it I am awake til 6-7 AM and still rarin' to go. I'm not sure why I have so much anxiety and/or agitation, but it could be because I've been through a lot and my brain isn't what it used to be.

    Yes, the escitalopram helped me with low mood and I've been on it for years and I haven't been depressed, even though I have bipolar type ii. I'm really glad I have access to this drug. I think it's amazing.
    I don't know much about dopamine agonists... are you saying you feel your libido is reduced even without taking an SSRI? By the way, I think, but I can't prove, that the olanzapine is the one that really reduces my sex drive, not the SSRI.
    Thanks a lot! Yeah, it was challenging. It took me about 17 years to quit P. Mental illness and social anxiety and rejection and homelessness didn't help.

    The 160 days is for no M, for P I've been free for about 3 and a half years.
     
  4. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    I have bipolar I. I took Lithium for many years and now sodium valproate. The olanzapine has a similar effect.

    Over the dopamine agonist it sent me high and led to P and sexual addiction. At the moment my libido is low, ie flatlining,

    I'm really sorry to hear about the rejection and homelessness. Bipolar isn't funny. You have done fantastically well, with no P for so long and no M for 160 days.
    I greatly admire that.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Okay, yeah, bipolar 1 is no joke. I'm glad you're not on the agonist now. It's been a long time since I was flatlining (unless I'm doing it now), but I think you will get better.
    Thank you and thanks a lot. I think I've probably left P behind, not sure about M. I'm glad I'm not having preposterous and inappropriate sexual fantasies anymore. I think that's the main thing that helped me go without M.

    I still feel a little off or weird to do with P, as if IRL I would do something weird to get my sexual fix. I don't and haven't, except for checking out females. Maybe this is my sex addiction acting up and I should work the 12 Steps.

    Update

    I had a dream I was going to look up porn, but I stopped myself because it would ruin my streak. Still occasionally dreaming of porn.... Fortunately it was only a dream.
     
  6. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Hi nuclpow,

    We all agree no P ever. But when I have done 90 days on my counter I will try M occasionally. Clearly if it leads back to P it is out.
    But my wife is past the menopause, doesn't want sex of any sort and has had an operation which means penetration is not possible.

    So M would be the only way I could have sex
    .
    I know that there are many well known memberx who think that M is also out. But we should be tolerant and let each person
    find their own way to recovery.

    174 days!!! Astonishing. Congratulations.
     
    Vampire Hunter D likes this.
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I have never been married and I have no experience with a partner who is post-menopause, but I'd like to suggest that you try to find a way to have sexual activity anyway. I thought it was the main point of getting married that you'd get to have regular sex. I hear you when you say penetration is not possible, but are you sure? Maybe consult a specialist in sex and see if there's a way. I hear that women with low sex drives still enjoy sex if they force themselves to do it. And then there's external stimulation, she would probably like her clitoris stimulated even if she has no sex drive. At least she should be giving you hand jobs or blow jobs, I think. Does any of this help?
    Thank you! Like I keep saying, I think it's due to a lot of factors, like me never giving up, getting help from YBOP and you guys, and some divine help from God.

    Yeah, I don't M anymore (and I'm not anxious to restart the habit), but I'm not here to tell all you other people not to M. If you can do it and still stay clean from P, that's fine with me.

    Status

    I'm still clean of P and M of course, but I have recently had two temptations to look at P, or at least have visual sexual fantasies again. I don't have them now, but I fear they could come back. I hope they don't come back in full force like they did with my addiction. Even if they do I think I can resist them for a while. Maybe I should put my website filtering on this computer as a precaution.

    While thinking about temptation to look at P last night I came up with a list of reasons why I shouldn't look at porn again. Here's what I can remember perhaps plus some new ones. If I look at porn:
    • I will do something wrong and I will further ruin what sexual purity I have left and my appreciation for the normal woman that may be my wife some day
    • I will be ashamed and humiliated in front of society (other people) for an indeterminate amount of time
    • I will be totally embarrassed and tongue-tied and not know what to say to any hot women I meet in the next few days because of P
    • I will end up in crisis after I act out like I do every time I look at a bunch of P and MO
    • I could end up falling into my addiction again and ruining my progress and living that humiliating life of Ming to other people having sex or women vomiting
    • I could ruin what reconstruction my brain has done so far to rewire from P
    • Edit: My neighbours could smell my BO from M and could hear me fapping and watching P
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2023
  8. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Hi nuclpow,

    I know that your suggestions about sex were well intended. We are all trying to help each other.

    But I don't want to go into all the reasons why what you suggest is not possible.
    I can't do that because I respect my wife's privacy.
     
  9. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    nuclpow, I should say that I take no offence at all at your suggestions. They are kindly meant.
     
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Okay, I apologise, I guess I don't know what I'm talking about for middle-aged people like you having sex.
     
  11. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    No problem. It is not age but the nature of the surgery.
    My wife is unable to have sexual feelings as well as unable to have penetration.
    I would be coercive if I imposed on her for my own selfish reasons.

    We are very close.
     
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Okay, I guess someone could read what I said and see it as recommending selfishness, so I'm glad I apologised.

    Status

    No P or M since last and no P temptations and little or no temptation to M either. I am happy and thankful to have put porn behind me (hopefully permanently), but I feel like I have not recovered yet. The point of rebooting is not so much to quit porn, but to rebuild our brains to close to factory settings. That is, we have to rewire to get our pre-frontal cortexes (frontal lobes) going normally again. This includes forethought, planning, thinking things through, and the moral centres of our brains. I don't think I'm doing much wrong, but I still think my brain is nowhere near where it used to be for forethought and moral quickness. Also I still feel kind of sad a lot and unmotivated, which could mean low dopamine, and I still feel like my brain is sensitive and that some of my synapses have "grown seven extra ears" like it says on the Your Brain on Porn site.

    So I still feel un-recovered, although life is quite a lot better. I am not sure what to do, so I am open to suggestions, feel free to post here. I go outside on nice days and I talk to family regularly and I play games that are fun that require thinking. I think those things might help me recover, but I don't seem to be making much progress. I've always had difficulty focusing (ADHD?), but it's not improving much despite me focusing on chess games. Here are some ideas I could try for improvement:
    • Making lamps like they do in rehab, something about having the cord go in first
    • Going to a farm and trying to lift up a horse's foot until I finally realise I just have to tug on the ankle
    • Going without the internet except for a few hours a day and weekends
    Well, I have no more ideas. Feel free to post.
     
  13. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Hi nuclpow,

    You were not to know. No sweat.
     
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks.

    Status

    Still mercifully free of P, sexual fantasy, and M. I woke up in the middle of the night with a strong erection and may have stroked it once or twice (I don't remember), but I went back to sleep. At least I know my dick still works. Actually, I don't know if it works when I'm awake. I'm worried I still have PIED. I don't have much a way to check... I don't get erections from sexy scenes in movies and music videos, even nudity. Maybe that's only because I'm older and more mature, and I know that porn leads to awfulness and ED so I try not to get turned on from stuff on TV or other screens. I can't think of a way to test other than to have a wife do something sexual for me, and I don't have a wife.

    Love and marriage

    Speaking of not having a wife, I honestly think I should make it a priority to have real sex. With my Christian values I'd have to get married first. Should we test my erections before I get married so she doesn't have to marry someone with PIED? Well, while I'm here, I'll make a list of places I might meet women for dating.
    • Christian hangouts online, or those that align with my political beliefs (but I don't want to get into politics on this forum)
    • Volunteering at something where women are at, soup kitchens, old folks homes, or libraries
      • Volunteering at a computer recycling place probably wouldn't lead me to meet many women
    • Going to church and to church functions
    • Going to board game or RPG cafes
    • Just going out for walks, bike rides, or bus rides
    • Going out with family members or friends/acquaintances that I already have, and maybe I'll meet women
    • Make a dating website for myself and accept web form requests from single women piling in (heh)
    Well, your comments are welcome.
     
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Still clean from P, excessive fantasy and M. Actually I sometimes do a little fantasy. Recently I fantasised about performing oral sex on a hypothetical wife, and I started to get a bit harder. I view this as a good sign, because oral sex isn't an extreme or preposterous sexual fantasy and it still started to give me an erection. I'm just hoping my PIED is cured.

    As for getting out more so I can find a wife and have actual sex, I'm finding it easier to go out than I used to. I'm more confident because I'm not (as?) ashamed anymore from all the P and M. I hope to make friends first though, and not jump straight into a romantic relationship.
     
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I had the idea (urge?) to look up bad pornography today. I think it's because I watched a movie with a lot of nudity in it, and some that was really attractive to me. I think I feel better now, but I think posting here will help.

    On the plus side, I think I'm starting to find all women attractive again. I'm not sure, but I assume porn dulled my appreciation of real women. It sounds like progress.

    I'm not trying to date or get married anytime soon, but I have been getting out more. I think my next step would be to gain employment and then friends. Then, sometime after that, dating.
     
  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Good job on not giving in to that urge.

    It's definitely progress and a sign of recovery that you find more and more women attractive again. It happens to a lot of us guys after giving up porn for a while. I would also agree that job/friends and then dating is the right order.
     
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks a lot for your post, @-Luke-. Yeah, I am hoping that not only will women's faces and figures get more attractive to me, but that eventually, if I get married, naked body parts will be amazingly attractive to me like they used to be before porn desensitised me. Yes, I think I'll try that order for socialising and dating.

    Status

    I think I woke up in the middle of the night with an erection and Med a bit. Not for very long. I'm not resetting my counter because it was a little and I wasn't fully conscious at the time. I think the whole thing was set up by the gratuitous nudity I saw in that movie on Sunday.

    I am not as triggered by movie nudity as I used to be, but I still wish there was less of it in the movies I watch. Oh, wait, now that type that out I remember there was nudity in a TV show I watched last night. I lingered on the channel far too long (about 1 minute) but I eventually left it. Maybe that show and the movie helped trigger my almost-sleeping M. Ugh, it's hard to be sexually sober or pure in this society.
     
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I woke up in the middle of the night again and Med a bit to old sexual fantasies. Still not resetting my counter because I wasn't fully conscious at the time. I don't know what's causing this acting out. At least the sexual fantasies don't turn me on like they used to, and I believe they're wrong more. If this continues I'll have to try and find out why.
     
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I saw a movie a couple days ago with a lot of nudity in it. I quit watching it part way through.

    I don't know if that caused the ideas of relapsing that occurred to me today or not. Yes, even after quitting IP for 3 years I'm tempted to go back to my favourite porn site and pay for a membership. Maybe I should donate to charity or something instead to help get it out of my system.

    Yes, today I had the urge to M for a bit, but I resisted it. You know, it would probably be fine as long as I didn't use porn, other sexy imagery, or excessive or ridiculous sexual fantasies. Maybe I should put some serious thought into Ming once a month or so.

    I watched a couple sermons and sex and marriage, because I would like to have sex and marriage, and maybe that triggered some urge to M.

    Overall I'm still doing well, though. I've been working on my social skills, getting more confident and trying have more self-esteem, and considering going to meet-ups to make friends. I'm also trying to handle life better, so I am more capable probably have a more able wife. I even imagine adopting years into the future.

    I should post more in the other areas of this forum, it might help my social skills and I might help someone.
     
    -Luke- and Thelongwayhome27 like this.

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