I watched a movie that warned about sex and nudity, but the sex was brief and the nudity was male, so I wasn't triggered. Overall I'm doing well. I should keep trying not to look sexually at sexy people on screens, and continue to go to SAA.
I wonder what it's like at SAA meetings. Are there many participants? Do people only share or also give feedback?
I attend online meetings. There's about 10-15 people. It's mostly sharing with vague feedback. Just going and participating seems to help me be sober, even if I don't practice the 12 Steps.
About 3 weeks since my last post. I have played a couple chess games. One game I had a very clear head and I won easily, the second game I got my butt kicked. I assume both games helped my mental health. I think I should play chess 2-3 times a week to help me recover from internet porn addiction. Other than that I'm doing pretty well. I'm still compulsively sexualising women and teenage girls I see, and I think SAA/church might help with that. Still no cravings to look at porn, but the idea of masturbation occurred to me a lot today. Maybe my limbic system really misses it. But I intend to stay free of M for now. I'm not getting much closer to marriage and sex, or even friendship (other than my family) and dating. Maybe I should work on that.
Hi fellows. It has been about 2 weeks since my last post. I am still very porn-free and free of M, too. Most of the porn I viewed is in the rear view mirror (I try not to think about it too much, of course). I feel very relieved. Keep at it you guys if you're still struggling. I am feeling now that I should think about getting married and having real sex. Phoosh, those things are a big deal and a lot of responsibility. I also will be bringing a lot of baggage to the sexual relationship because of all that porn viewed, sexual fantasies, and past sexual activity with real girls. Something for me to think about, I guess.
Women have flaws as well, no one is perfect, also a lot of women I've met watch porn occasionally as well and often times to my surprise not the vanilla stuff. If they don't have an addiction I don't see it as a issue. Also I wouldn't worry too much about the past, you're giving your best to be the best possible version of yourself and also have a remarkable streak.
I am also bip0lar and also on a dopamine agonist for a health issue. Really hard to beat the problems this causes.
I'm not bipolar, but I tend to have phases of agitation or perhaps anxiety or whatever you want to call that. In that state I'm drawn to anything sexual, because climaxing is relaxing by nature. (a bit like a painkiller) I'm fully aware of that, what helps a bit is stuff like meditation, even though it feels counter intuitive in that moment, because you're so tense and feel the need to do something. Also it is natural to try to block away bad feelings, but that makes it worse, better is to accept them, feelings change all the time it is not an issue.
No acting out since last. I've been clean a long time and I feel good. Don't give up if you're still struggling. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. I watched Netflix's documentary on Pornhub. It had some nudity but not huge amounts and I wasn't triggered, but I don't recommend porn addicts watch it. The documentary covered things like porn stars' rights and the uploading of rape or underage (or underage rape) videos and how Pornhub finally responded to that. They never covered anything about how their sites are designed to be addictive (and presents weirder and weirder stuff in its recommends), or that internet porn addicts a lot of users and there's millions of us clicking at our computers like rats clicking for dopamine.
"there's millions of us clicking at our computers like rats clicking for dopamine." That's exactly what we are doing. I am on a dopamine agonist and it led to addiction to PMO. The same brain pathways are involved as in addiction to drugs. In other words we are drug addicts. And the only remedy is removal 0f the drug which is the effect of P. How do you find SAA? It is based on AA, of course.
I looked up dopamine agonists and it does say that compulsive behaviour is one of the risks. I have no idea what to recommend, though. Yes, I remember a web page saying that men looking at porn looked uncannily like rats clicking for dopamine. I even noticed that of my own behaviour a few times. I go to SAA regularly, once a week, and I think I need to. I think it's a mediocre fellowship but sharing our problems with each other really seems to help. I think AA and SAA changed my life. You can go to SAA if you are an internet porn addict, but I doubt SAA will be helpful for everyone here. The SAA helpful literature talks about "The Bubble", where when you start to act out you end up in a fantasy bubble where you ignore all possibilities of consequences. Then, once acting out is finished, it talks about you being in crisis from acting out. Both of these things were try to me when I was looking up cable nudity/sexuality and looking up internet porn. (I found the only way to resolve the crisis was to resolve never to act out again and to try and work on quitting.) They also talk about "The Three Circles" which mapped on to my own behavior very well, too. If you have any more questions (you or anyone else) just ask.
Hi Nuclpow, thanks for the answer. Yes, I am only too familiar with the bubble. I was hoping that posting and discussing on this site would be a substitute for SAA. I know that SAA, like this site, maintains confidentiality, but worry that I am well known in the area in which I live, and fear my problems becoming public. I have found sharing here helpful. I clearly need never to watch P again as it escalates and leads to acting out. I am seeing a sex therapist who is very helpful. I am also trying to come of the dopamine agonist onto another drug that deals with the health issue without the risk of addiction to P and sex. Bipolar also runs in our family, and another family member became addicted to alcohol. He has now been dry for many years. I need also to be dry or P. The dopamine agonist exaggerates the bipolar, and that is how things got so out of hand for me. I will look at your journal. Many thanks for pointing it out.
Hi Nuclpow, I have looked at some of the pages of your journal. Are you bipolar like me? Do you have a job now and what meds are you on? Sorry to be so nosey. You don't have to reply to that. It's only that I am looking for others who have similar problems as me. I'm older (ie 40+) and married but that doesn't mean that I haven't had an addictive obsession with PMO. Being bipolar myself has been a severe problem, and it is in other family members (as is addiction). My bipolar was well controlled, initially with lithium and then with sodium valproate until I started having to take pramipexole, a dopamine agonist. I'm now weaning myself off it onto another drug that is not associated with problems of impulse self control. One big trigger for me is being on my own. My wife has just gone out, and I have resisted looking at P. This is due to being on this site, getting support from others, seeing the problems that others have and looking at my counter. I have to reboot for 60 to 90 days with no PMO. Then I am going to allow myself to M to O, so long as it doesn't take me back to P. I certainly can't risk watching P ever again as the compulsion and escalation will just start up over again.
