I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Still clean at 129 days. I ate the last of my reward food yesterday, but I still think I need more rewards. I've been working at staying clean for 120 days for years. I'll probably live if I don't get more rewards, though.

    I dreamed last night I was looking up porn. It was detailed, I even middle-clicked to open new tabs. I saw no porn in the dream, though. And then I think I had the same dream again. I was a little alarmed in the dreams. I think it's a good sign that I'm detoxing. I also woke up with an erection again, and I think I woke up because I had an erection.

    I've come a very long way since first starting to reboot. I'm happy with my success now, but I have a while to go. I have most of a year to be clean and hopefully get my daytime erections healed.

    I tried to talk to the woman I like on the internet a couple days ago, but no real good responses. It's a downer but the possibility of dating is not completely over.

    To-do

    Maybe get more reward food and a movie. Maybe go for a bike ride.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 and -Luke- like this.
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Thanks for the likes. I'm 133 days clean now. Big number.

    I am thinking I need to reward myself more. I think I need a little bit more reward for going 120 days clean, and a much bigger one for when I get my PIED healed. I've been working on this for literally years and years. (I've been trying to quit M since I first started when I was 14, and I'm 42 now.) Maybe I should reward myself with a vacation, or with a lot of real sex. In the mean time I think I should reward myself more for 120 days and maybe a bigger reward for around 500 days. I'm not sure what to do for rewards, though. I don't have a lot of money and I don't get out so easily. You guys can make suggestions if you want :).
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I dreamed I saw nudity on a computer and I went to look up more. The dream ended before I saw more, but I had the feelings that I was beginning a relapse and I was going to lose my streak and a lot of effort. Fortunately it was only a dream. It's been over a year and a half since I looked at porn and I'm still dreaming of it as if it was yesterday.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2022
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    140 days no M and very little F. A couple days ago I watched a TV-MA-rated TV show on Netflix and it had 3 very triggering things for me. I didn't act out or even get very triggered, but maybe I shouldn't have watched that show.

    I should still reward myself more for 120 days clean. Otherwise I'm doing well.

    Thanks for your support.

    Edit: For honesty's sake I should probably confess that I'm still somewhat triggered by the TV episode. I don't want to look at porn, though, I'm not sure what I'm triggered to want to do.
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2022 at 4:48 PM
    StarWarsFan and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I am still clean. The triggering from the TV episode seems to have worn off by now. I will probably keep watching that show, though.

    Today I rewarded myself with a sundae. I had a good time eating it, it was pleasurable. I went slow and savoured my food. I normally don't enjoy food in that way, or eat it slowly to really enjoy it. I am thinking that the reason both are possible is that I am rewiring to real pleasures and real rewards, not fake internet porn and M. It's a great step! Now that I know it works, I can do it again.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.

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