I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Yeah, it's bad policy "to test". I've fallen into that trap before.

    How did you quit P? Can some experience form there translate into this new goal?
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I have a list I posted in my signature.

    I am posting because I've been clean a few days and I thought it might help me keep at it.

    I am talking with my mom a lot over the internet, and I think it's giving me something to do, which is helping me abstain from sexual fantasy and M.

    I'd also like it if I was healthy and put together enough to have a girlfriend I'd have sexual activity with. Oh, I forgot, I'm Christian, so I'd have to get married first, and I think I'm nothing like able to get married.

    Reading has helped a bit, too, even if I'm only reading the same book over and over again.

    Edit: The idea that messaging my mom is helping me has given me an idea. Talking to her makes me feel less lonely and makes me happy. I think it's revealing that 90% of the time I feel bad. Maybe not in great pain, but in some pain, and over the minutes, hours and days it becomes great pain. I'm probably not the only person on this forum like this. I think I am self-medicating this pain with sexual fantasies and M. I guess I have to improve my life a lot. Maybe I'll make a post later about what I can improve.
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2021
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  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I have another thing to say. A day or so ago I started imagining, without trying, taking off my old girlfriend's bra. This image keeps occurring to me without me doing it intentionally. I think this is a very good thing, but I'm not sure how to explain it. It's not a sexual fantasy, it's just raw desire. And it's desire for actual sex with an actual woman, not a hankering for porn or sexual fantasy. I think it's a good sign!

    I think it's from me willfully trying to abstain from SF (partially due to @CleanBootsBaby! admonishing me), and from talking to my mom recently. Maybe the relationship workout, social payoff and stress relief I got from talking to my mom helped me stay clean a couple days.
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    Four days no P, SF or M, and it was hard to earn. Now I'm somewhat triggered by a bikini girl and some partial nudity I saw in a television show. Now I want to look up sexy pictures (though not P) and the idea of a certain model or whatever keeps occurring to me. I think it'll take several hours for the trigger to wear off, and in the mean time I should do something helpful, like read or practice piano. Maybe I shouldn't watch that show. It'll take some moral effort to do so though, since I seem to be attached to it.

    Edit: I just went to bed and listened to music and I forgot about the trigger. I wish I'd read or played piano, though.
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2021
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  5. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    I like it that you keep churning ideas in your head, pushing forward. Never give up, man. Especially as a Christian. Do the right thing for the sake of doing the tight thing in His eyes.

    Use whatever thing you have at your disposal. We're not quitters, man. Nope, not today, not tomorrow...never.
    nuclpow likes this.
  6. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    It sounds good, but I'd still ask myself whether I'm slowly descending into sin / triggering stuff. Just stay alert!

    You stood clean, most of everything, because you wanted to, and you could. I will recruit whatever mechanism I have at my disposal to do it filling my life with whatever good thing there is to do. Suddenly, you will realize it just comes easy, natural, to do it.

    Amass some days and after a few hard-fought weeks/months it will become...I don't know...natural? You will gain more clarity for the simple fact that you have distanced yourself from that unhealthy obsession. We have more control over this than we realize, as trite as it may sound.
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  7. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Very good, man. Brother. I'm literally proud of you. Honestly.
    nuclpow likes this.
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Posting because I'm pretty tempted. I am seven days clean now, the longest in a while. I feel like I want to have a SF and MO. I think it's partially because I had a talk with a member of my support crew that was a little emotional, and also because there's not a lot for me to do around here.

    I've made a list of things to do that don't involve going on the computer and going on the internet, but most of them I don't want to do or have difficulty doing (going outside for a walk, playing piano, exercising, meditating). I'm kind of at a loss. Well, maybe I can check my electronics for bed bugs.

    Edit: I checked a little, and I still haven't acted out. I got the idea that I should do something to amuse myself, like play games alone. (Maybe a lot of my boredom will be solved by family.) I'm going to try to play chess against my computer.
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2021
  9. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    I'd just get out and have the longest walk of my life.

    Hope you're doing well.

    There's no better time to break the circle of defeat than now. This thought that I could postpone it forever scares me, otherwise.
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Hehe, I used to take long walks all the time when I got the temptation to have sexual fantasies or to M. I pissed off a lot of people in the city doing this, although it was a fairly silly city. I'm no longer in the same city, but I don't really want to go for long walks every day, still, and be seen by a lot of people. Maybe I can at least go into the back yard. That seems to help me a bit.
    I am! Partially thanks to you.
    I've overcome a lot so far, so I'm optimistic.


    No SF or M for 9 days. I had an erotic dream last night barely with no nudity. I am having a fairly strong temptation to have SF, I think because it's been a while, but I've been able to push them away with willpower. Yeah, I know, one's willpower is not an unlimited resource, so I have to come up with more of a and better plan.

    I'm still talking with my mom via e-mail, and I think that provides a source of positive dopamine (social and family payoff) that helps me avoid SF and M.


    I've played a few games of chess the past month. I've lost all of them. I am thinking that making myself do the forethought and strategic planning that chess requires may help me rewire. It's definitely hard enough. But I can play against my computer when I have no real player to play against.
  11. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    LOL, "There goes this sill boy again, walking on the streets as if he owns them!!" :D

    Wow, this made my day, man!



    happy for all the rest of your report. Smashing!
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yeah, they were pretty angry. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to bicycle regularly soon.

    I'm 11 days clean of SF and M. I'm strongly tempted to have SF and M, I think because it's been a while. I almost did, but I cam here to post instead. I am trying to right my sleep schedule so I've been awake for a while and I'm tired. This might be why my resistance is lower, because tiredness makes self-control harder.

    I am thinking I am extremely addicted to the internet. I tried disconnecting my computer for 24 hours but I only lasted 1 hour before I plugged it back in. I need more to do around the apartment and outdoors. At least I've been in contact with my mom, so maybe I can visit her house and help her out, that might help me be less addicted to the internet.

    Edit: Today I watched an episode of 3rd Rock from the Sun, and it was about sexual fantasies of all things. They say that it's normal for males, although the episode did not mention masturbation I think. Anyway, I figure I can't have SF that's extensive or that would be immoral in real life, and I can't masturbate while I'm trying to rewire from internet porn addiction.

    Edit continued: I disconnected my internet and was partially successful for staying off my computer for a couple hours, although I did use streaming TV and another computer, it was still a small victory for combatting my internet addiction.
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2021 at 5:45 PM
  13. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Good man, good man!

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