I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I didn't sleep much last night and I had constant thoughts of sex and urges to do m. or p.

    I woke up really early (well, I hadn't slept) but still haven't done meditation or exercise. I did go outside, though, for half an hour. It is a really, really nice day out where I am.

    That reminds me, as far as changes to make to my life to quit Internet porn I have changed my mind. I thought the last change would be to meditate and exercise and practice guitar more.

    Now I think the main things to change are going to bed at night and getting out of my room as much as possible, which is why I forced myself to go out this morning. I think that's a lot more sensible. Though I probably still have to meditate.

    To do with sleeping at night I now have an alarm clock, an ordinary bedside type one, and it makes me get out of bed in the morning because I'm terrified about it going off. I really don't want to hear the noise so I actually get out of bed before it goes off. It's only set to 9:01 AM anyway. Being awake all day helps me go to bed at night.

    Also to help me go to bed at night and sleep I bought three novels and an epic poem to read. I was going to read these books before I went to bed and maybe fall asleep while reading them, or at least with them still in bed with me.

    I still have a lot of libido right now. I should mention that a few days ago I was getting good semi erections on very mild amounts of fantasy of real people. This is partially intentional fantasy and also my mind wandering I suppose.

    Today I chose to read a bunch of YBR before I did anything. That turns out to have been very wise. These are the posts that stuck out to me the most so far:
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=3651.msg57275#msg57275
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=3651.msg57291#msg57291
    Well, that whole thread.
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=272.msg56341#msg56341 (I'm a little like this)
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=313.msg58517#msg58517 Actually this one has to do with something I am probably doing wrong
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=3651.msg57240#msg57240
    And especially this one: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=3651.msg57652#msg57652

    I am ashamed that others have much higher PMO counters than me, even at the strict settings I have.

    My TV is also unplugged for now and I was planning on deleting Adobe Flash (I can always re-install it).

    Positives:
    - Actually I don't want to say for this one
    - Mind a lot clearer so far, thinking of Linux and other thing I like (Linux is one of my favourite things)
    - Saw a pretty young woman in a building near here and looked at her twice without feeling shameful or self-conscious
    - Called my dad okay, nothing went wrong
    - Bought three novels and an epic poem and read some of them and enjoyed reading them
    - Staying awake during the day more, getting slightly more done
    - Staying in bed at night more
     
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Don't. Determination is good, and willpower is good, but using willpower for quitting an addiction is not good. One reason I am not overdoing the willpower is that I don't want to stress myself out to high heaven trying to do this reboot perfectly, and another is because I don't even know if it's possible until I change accomodations.

    I consider myself on my third unofficial rebooting attempt. I guess that means I have to start meditating again. Actually I do have some determination to finish it this time, which I guess will be 120 days no sexual stimulation.
     
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Relapsed, but I still feel great

    The reason I still feel great is because it's now obvious that my previous two unofficial rebooting attempts have worked. The reason I believe this are these:
    • I am much more easily aroused over simple things
    • I got massive (okay, it seemed like that to me) erections over fairly basic fantasies really easily
    • I am starting to feel like I have the sexuality (the purity and attracted to the same things I used to be) ten years ago, when I started this whole thing
    • when I was trying to act out I didn't seem to be able to look up porn sites--I was blocking myself really hard, though I don't expect to do that in the future

    The relapse was to sort of the equivalent of profile pictures and having trouble letting go of the idea of fantasies about people I know. I did this relapse one day after making my resolution to make my third unofficial reboot. I think making the resolution makes me relapse.

    So, I believe these unoffical rebooting attempts, with regular attempts to do meditation, exercise, getting outside, etc. *are* working, just exactly like Gary Wilson and Your Brain On Porn and everyone here says they would. I am getting my old sexuality back and my old boners back.

    I think that by the end of my third rebooting attempt I will be back to normal, as long as I actually attempt it and don't have plans to look up pornography at the end of it. I might also need the vigilance to do with the subject the rest of my life, and replacements for the creativity that pornography has to offer.

    By the way I am freaking greatly relieved that that wasn't permanent. I read a Web page a while back that said loss of erection size was due to pornography, but it didn't say anything about it being able to be restored.
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    progress report

    Status update

    After that determination to do my third rebooting attempt I porned later, the same or next day I think, and maybe a P and a PMO and an MO or two besides. I have a new trigger and I know what it is and have to do something about it

    I barely decided to look up Your Brain On Porn instead of porn tonight, just now. I'm very glad I did, of course. I ended up reading http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/post-porn-culture , which again is giving me motivation to quit. And then I came here and started writing this.

    Actually I have set a YBOP URL to my Web browser's home page so I'll see it whenever I start up my Web browser. This was part of an idea I had for Fiddler, because he can't keep his filters on and needs help turning his computer to an ally.

    So I guess I'm back on track.

    I have been having a great deal of insomnia since starting my third rebooting attempt. I slept one to two hours a night the first couple night. I stayed awake all the day long, too, and then usually most of the rest of the night.

    I am still getting vivid dreams every night, two a night. In one of them I saw the phrase "set up a build environment", which I had earlier seen on a Web page an open source project. I thought it might be a message from God to do that and spend time programming.

    Replacing PMO with YBR

    Does anyone care if I participate in YBR here a lot more to replace time spent doing PMO? The thing is, there is a lot of urge to do PMO, so there'd be a lot of urge to spend time posting to YBR.

    I'm not sure what I have to offer, though. I don't seem to be much help to others yet.

    Actually, to be honest, one of my biggest difficulties in coming here to post or work on my posts is that I would have to use Microsoft Windows. My computers runs Windows XP and I just hate it. I even keep the computer off most of the time just because I don't like Windows or what it does to me, even though I am a computer nerd and I love computers. I just can't stand to turn this one on because it has Windows XP on it.

    Getting out more

    I said a while back that my next changes were to get out more and I think sleep at night. I have been successful at both of these changes. I got out at 8 AM, 10:15 AM, etc., for a few days in a row. Even though I just stood in front of my door it helped.

    Alarm clock

    I also decided to work on sleeping at night and being awake during the day. I decided this was more important than meditation and exercise at this point. This is to avoid the vulnerability of being alone and awake at night, a major trigger point for me and anyone else.

    I actually have been very successful at this. I recently got an alarm clock. It has really helped. Maybe everyone else here should get an alarm clock, too. I set it for 9:01 AM, but I have been awake before then ever single time and have not had the alarm scare me. I mean, That's good, because I hate having it scare me. I have woken up before 9 AM for the past seven days. That is a lot for me.

    Actually I have been up usually at 6 AM, which is ideal. Woken up by God I guess. And then I have to get out of bed because I tend to m. in bed.

    My alarm clock actually has the problem that I can't turn it off. If I turn it to the off position the radio comes on. It's broken. I can't turn the volume for the radio down, either. The volume control is broken and stuck at maximum. The only thing I can do is turn the alarm off, and then back on again when it goes off. This means I always have my alarm set.

    Porn and sexual fantasies

    Like I said I consumed porn a few times recently, and I think most of it was me being stupid or despairing. It was also because of my determination to do my third reboot. I think porn was rebelling against me going ahead with that.

    I am also having trouble quitting s. fantasies, which I think are so porn-like for me they heavily overlap with porn and I have to quit them, too. I am really resistant to this and it is leading to rebellion like the above, the rebellion of consuming porn. Plus I can't do it without doing m., either, and of course I have to quit at least 90% of the time if I want to quit Internet porn.

    I did some reading on sexual fantasies on YBOP. It said that it's ambiguous, that it depends on factors. There was even discussion on whether or not it was people you knew. For me it's people I know. But eventually I read a comment that said if the fantasies are unrealistic you shouldn't be having them, and I think that is where I am with that, I can't have them.

    I have to admit my fantasies of people I know are not realistic, which is surprisingly hard on my ego.

    Helping others and being here

    Actually I'm not even sure I should be here.

    I want to help out others like SimplyMe and Fiddler. I may have helped Fiddler a little. I want to support CrazyGopher, too, but he's way beyond me.

    I need to go to bed. Reading the BENEFITS document helped me today, too.
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Woke up on time. Didn't go outside. Didn't exercise or meditate. Set my home page to YBOP.

    Practiced text editor tutor. Practiced typing tutor. This last one to good effect, giving me a sense of accomplishment, that helps replace p. Had no ordinary social interactions. Wasted time looking up developer stuff.

    Called a professional to some good effect.

    Didn't do m. or p. No TV because I have it unplugged.

    Didn't eat anything today. Ought to move into different accomodations (more room, less (or no) high speed Internet access).

    Read a little Les Miserables. Trying to do reading of novels to replace night time TV watching. TV watching is a bad habit for me because I watch it for hours and it's partially a porn replacement, but it wastes huge amounts of time, makes my mind run and be numb at the same time, and makes me feel a little sick after a while. No guitar practice so far.

    Journalling now. No p. or m. today. Been keeping up with journalling.

    I am supposed to replace porn with exercise, meditation, social interaction, and time in nature. I didn't get any of those in today, except meditation. I think I will exercise before I meditate because exercising helps empty my head some more, and I need that because meditating is hard for me so far.

    Positive things:
    - Have been able to post to my Livejournal account
    - Some more positive romantic thoughts
    - Other things I don't want to say
     
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    complete update

    No PMO for over a week.

    My idea that I had to worry about sleeping at night and go out more was right. It's helped a lot.

    I also had my TV unplugged for a week. This is the thing that helped me sleep during the night. I had an alarm clock plugged where the TV was instead. The alarm clock really really helped me wake up and stay awake during the day too.

    For going outside I have not been as successful. Right now I just go outside my door and stand there like an idiot for a little while. This helps a little, but I really should be going out somewhere, at least down the street a bit.

    I am still doing meditation, journalling, running, exercising, some cooking, and sometimes guitar practice. I am not doing any of these things anything like regularly. Most days I only do two of the above. But they are still becoming habit. I feel off and weird if I haven't done them in a day or two, and only feel better after I do them. Actually I'm not sure I like that.

    I have decided that my default porn urge replacement activity will be to do sit-ups or whatever other exercise activity I haven't done recently. I don't like sit-ups but I think it will help.

    I have decided that my default m. urge replacement activity will be to practice guitar (a little like makebelieve).

    So, these new habits are becoming part of my life.

    ---

    I still have a lot of strain about resisting the urge to go and look up porn. My mind is still thinking going and lookup up porn is a good idea. This is not good.

    The strain goes down the more diligently I do the replacement habits, I think, including socialisation.

    For two days just after my last post I had no urges to look up porn at all and felt a little cured.

    Later those nights I actually had cold sweats in the middle of the night. Isn't that a symptom of heroin withdrawal? I woke up soaked and had to take off my shirt. It was a little miserable.

    I think I am only truly rebooting when I have withdrawal symptoms and days like that.

    This is my third "unofficial" rebooting attempt, because I don't think I am willing to commit to it but want to do it anyway, and I think it's going better than the second one and might seriously work. I have to think about that, because it might seriously work.

    I need to practice replacement habits more. I think I should visit the Tim Hortons (donut store in Canada) up the street every day for socialisation, there are usually people in there.

    --

    After a lot of thinking about filtering I decided that the best filter for me was just a large hosts file with porn sites, but also any other site, whether it's porn-related or not, where I could possibly find porn, or have found porn in the past. OpenDNS and K9 don't seem to be right for me.

    I found this really hard to implement. It took me days. But I did it today, a start anyway. Most of the porn sites I could remember on the moment. I added a bunch of domain names to my Windows XP hosts file with a 255.255.255.255 IP address, so my Web browser would reject them right away.

    While typing in these addresses and feeling the commitment, or at least the the idea of not visiting these Web sites any more, I detoxed a bit. I didn't necessarily feel good, but in the end I felt better. But mostly I think this had a very positive effect on my personality. I think it was a significant step in my quitting porn, since it was the most effective pornography filtering idea I could think of and the most serious.

    After this positive effect on my personality I got to boot Linux, which I like, and to clear up some files on it, and just enjoy it. I also felt more righteous and more entitled to talk to the real people in my life, including my old friends, like I was now no longer intent on doing something wrong so I could be real and honest and truthful with them in the normal way in the future.

    So, I think I should keep putting thing in my hosts file (I thought of one now) and keep it in place, and put a longer password on my Windows administrator account, and keep meditating, exercising, etc. I really want to talk with other people in real life, though.
     
  7. CrazyGopher

    CrazyGopher Member

    I'm glad, you are doing good quitpornfoo ;D

    I use the hosts file trick too 8)
     
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I'm not doing good. I may have been refraining from porn but I've generally been stressed and unhappy, and still doing a lot of m.

    I have been doing m. to unrealistic fantasies every few days. You can tell I am not serious about this.

    I still think being awake during the day and sleeping at night are the biggest things to help me quit Internet porn at this point. An alarm clock really helps, so does not watching TV all day. Especially not at night when you are supposed to be sleeping.

    I have not been exercising or running or meditating consistently. But that's okay because I don't think I am supposed to. I think I am supposed to work up to those things, so if it's only twice a week for all of them that's still a good start.

    I read in a book on time management that you can do meditation on the train on the way to work. He says to do it for 10 minutes, so I am going reduce meditation to 10 minutes and try to think about how to do it on my way to work (I have no work). I'm going to reduce time on exercising, too, I think I'm over-doing it.

    Mostly I have been porn free for weeks now, until a couple days ago. Then I did a typical porn session, except with very, very little porn. I kept trying to type in names of porn sites and look at porn, but I didn't, I didn't seem to be able to make myself do it. I looked at very little porn comparatively, and when I was looking at it, I was kind of looking away at the same time. My attitude was not pro-porn.

    I think I'm starting to "get it", that porn doesn't have consequences I like and I ought not to do it. It may be from months of unwiring (and many years of trying to quit porn before that) I'm starting to be able to think about the consequences of my actions a bit before I do them.

    I edited my hosts file, it was premeditated. I wasn't trying.

    Yesterday I went for a walk and felt my sexuality being much like it was when I was 18 or 19. This is a good sign. If I keep rewiring I think I'll go back to my sexuality being like that, which would be great. This and other signs to do with clearer thinking are making me think I have rebooted a lot already.

    I think I may have found some motivation: I find myself curious to know what life is like without a reduced pre-frontal cortex. Will it be easier? Will it be more possible? Will I be able to handle things better? Will I get in trouble less? Will I be less depressed? Will I like it? Will it be fun? Do I want the challenge when I get there?

    Also I am glad I started the habits of meditating, exercising, running.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I re-read a lot of my journal so far and I think I have come a long way. I seem to be a lot more level-headed, and able to do normal things like go outside more.

    I know it looks like all I am doing is contemplating quitting porn, but it's not. It looks like I actually have started to change my lifestyle a bit, but the most important thing is that I am not letting myself look at porn as a matter of course.

    Let me list the advantages I think I have had from my efforts and very much reduced consumption of Internet porn:
    • A better attitude
    • A more organised life
    • More social, more ability to be social
    • More self-esteem
    • More able to deal with others more, such as not being angry or ashamed when I talk to someone
    • Mind is calmer
    • I think I'm more intelligent
    • More productive on a weekly basis
    • Less distress
    • Less contempt
    • More patience
    • More self-respect
    • Less pointless Web browsing, computer use
    • Less TV watching
    • A whole lot less wasted time period
    • A lot fewer lost days due to porn
    • Less misery due to porn
    • Weakening of the "Go for it!" pathways and some strengthening of the "Let's think about this" pathways
    • Less distress and misery over all
    • A lot less time used trying to avoid Internet porn, using Internet porn, or recovering from the effects of Internet porn
    • Staying awake during the day more
    • Sleeping at night more
    • A lot less terrified of people, whether they're strangers or friends

    Other changes in my life:
    • Meditation habit practiced and improved
    • Running habit improved
    • Exercising habit improved
    • TV watching reduced
    • Pointless Web browsing and wasting time on my computer reduced
    • Procrastination reduced
    • More disciplined over all
    • Been able to talk to people more honestly more, and maybe even help them

    Some practical things accomplished during my quitting porn attempts:
    • Started writing in my Livejournal account
    • Have kept a journal
    • Can run about twice as long without extreme discomfort
    • Push-ups and sit-ups are not as hard to do as they used to be
    • I know my favourite programmer's text editor much better (VIM)
    • I have been able to e-mail friends

    I still feel pretty weird. I think I'm still addicted and that it's still likely I'll look up porn again.

    ---

    Later:

    Most of the above are listed on the 100 benefits available here:
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=3.0
     
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I'm still here.

    Two porn instances since I posted last.

    I was not posting because I wasn't sure about participating in this forum (I'm still not), and because I wasn't serious about rebooting, though I still think an unofficial reboot might be best for me. I need another place to live, one without high speed Internet access.
     
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Re: I avoided a trigger

    I think I overstated it a bit, but it still seems like 100% of the problems.

    I was happier when I was back into this (rebooting), even if it wasn't "official" and wasn't necessarily succeeding. It just doesn't seem honest yet, honestly willing 100% to give up porn.

    (Still no porn since last.)
     
  12. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Re: I avoided a trigger

    You gotta ask yourself: what do I lose if I am never gonna watch any porn? Ever.
    Honestly ask yourself this question and see what comes up. For example, in my case it was a double answer: I liked to see pretty things, as girl faces and bodies, and I wanted to be up to date on photoshoots and news about my favourite models/celebrities. That was what I kept me coming back for "just a little peek". Once I accepted that I could live without watching countless pixellated faces and without know what celebrity x was doing and if model y had done a nude photoshoot or not, resisting urges to watch porn became much easier.
     
  13. CrazyGopher

    CrazyGopher Member

    :( Are you doing any better now?

    The fact that you are aware of that, is great! ;D Frankly I think, this is a much healthier place to be, than to be one of the many guys in this forum, who, on the surface claim to want to give up porn forever, but who do not have enough self-awareness to know that they are in actuality deeply conflicted about it.

    Anyway, I'm glad you are sticking around through this process. 8)
     
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Responses to Fiddler and CrazyGopher and current status update

    Response to Fiddler

    Thank you for your post and advice, Fiddler. I believe it is good advice and I ought to follow it. Actually I think I have done so already, in my notes somewhere. When I find it, I think I will still keep it private, but I should put it somewhere. But I think if I did what you said it would really help.

    Actually I'll be honest here: One of the biggest things that keeps me wanting to look at porn is just me seeing happy (naked) young girls and women. For some reason I just want to see them happy. That is one of the biggest things, but I don't know if it is the biggest thing. They do seem to have to be in porn, I guess it doesn't seem creepy to me that way for some reason.

    On thinking about permanently giving up Internet porn

    I also had another thought regarding thinking about giving up Internet porn:

    I think I should think about the concept of never looking at porn on the Internet or other related behaviour ever again every two days or so until it catches up to me. Maybe I should do this in the shower, contemplate the idea of never looking at Internet porn again for 20 minutes or so.

    Current status update

    I offer a status update of my situation here:

    I am off my third rebooting attempt. It was unofficial as well. I guess I have given up on it. I am glad that I tried it. I believe it had positive results both in helping me quit porn and in helping me have a whole lot more manageable and productive and happy a life over-all. I believe all my rebooting attempts have helped me have a whole lot more manageable and productive and happy a life over-all.

    On my future rebooting attempt

    I think I should start my fourth unofficial rebooting attempt soon. I am not disappointed with myself. I did not expect to quit porn after first, second, third or even fourth attempt. But what did happen was a vast improvement in my life overall. I use the word vast and it might be true. It wasn't a huge change but it was vast, and I know that doesn't make sense. I did things while off PMO I had been putting off for five or six or... ten years, like starting an on-line journal and writing one or two of my very old friends. It was very, very positive in retrospect!

    By the way, Fiddler's streak of 18 days worked as a positive influence on me. I was thinking that I should not even try to quit while I lived somewhere that had high speed Internet access, but Fiddler does too and he did 18 days (and I think he's more influenced by Internet porn than I am), so that made me think that I ought to be trying after all, which of course I should have been.

    Response to CrazyGopher here

    I wasn't necessarily doing that badly. I mostly said that just so you wouldn't think my rebooting method was working and follow it yourself. It wasn't necessarily working. So, I wasn't actually doing that much suffering or looking up porn that much.

    I ought to post to your journal later. I find the break over the holidays you took to be interesting.

    Commentary about my relapse, more like a real relapse below:

    Okay, all that said, I quit trying somewhere around Christmastime and after I came back home from my parents' (actually just my dad's) I gave up on my third rebooting attempt and looked up a lot of porn over three or four days, and watched a huge amount of TV as well. I did not behave and I did not try. I don't know how much this set me back, but it was a lot, probably half or most or even all of a rebooting attempt.

    What's freaking me out, one big thing that's freaking me out

    I found out that one of the things that is bothering me, and it is bothering me quite, quite, quite a lot, is me being way, way, way too strict with myself as far as rebooting attempt methods, such as enforcing a strict daily schedule including meditation and exercise and journalling and many other things. I think I was really, really freaking myself out and no wonder I became rebellious.

    I later saw a man on TV suggest the idea of meditating only three times a week, and other people have suggested exercising only three times a week. Trying to do it once a day was probably freaking me out. I think I did myself harm, accidentally. I have got to find a balance, and that might be too hard to do, too. It turns out this is what a poster to my journal commented on earlier when he told me to change only one thing at a time. I thought I was, but actually I was trying to change six (or more!) things at a time.

    Future unofficial rebooting attempt

    I don't know about my fourth unofficial rebooting attempt. It'd have to be pretty unofficial. I'm discouraged.

    Thanks. I got to keep posting.
     
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I haven't been really trying lately. I did an Internet porn use, a TV porn use, and an m. to fantasies. I still feel committed to my fourth unofficial rebooting attempt, though. I feel good about it.

    ...

    I saw something on TV a few days ago where a man mentioned meditating three times a week as a theoretical New Year's resolution. This was a huge relief for me because I was experiencing too much stress trying to meditate and do other activities every day and I think I was really freaking myself out, like I say above. By the way I used too many adjectives about that in my previous post and should probably cut some of them out.

    Anyway, big relief because now I think I should try meditating and exercising every second or third day, and I still think this will be effective in helping me rewire from porn and also help me manage on a daily basis.

    So yeah, I think that I should apply that over everything. Not killing myself with trying too hard or way, way too much strictness. I think that's what an earlier poster to my journal was trying to help me with when he told me to just change one thing at a time. I tried to listen to that advice but I guess I just didn't get it.

    Not impressed with myself in general for not trying to not look at Internet porn or TV after Christmas at the end of last month. I was foolish and lazy and I ruined and wasted my third unofficial rebooting attempt. I watched way, way, way too much TV. I may have helped ruin my mind.

    Had the idea of pursuing ice skating as a physical activity.

    Changed my forum signature to have CrazyGopher's PMO tracker again, am now using it again. Changed my picture to Emilio Estevez instead of the nuclear fusion picture thing.

    I still have hosts file filtering in place, though I've disabled it a lot in the past. I have also set up Google strict Safesearch to close off something I tend to use there. I can still bypass these things fairly easily as it is. I guess that's my next project. I was supposed to do it before I even came on here.
     
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I am definitely flat-lining. I have no urges or libido or response to anything sexual. My PMO counter says 11 days no p. and 9 no m. This is accurate, except for a very minute amount of porn type thing on TV that I don't know if I will reset for.

    That's a high count for me. I am sure my streak, and my ease for resisting is coming from flat-lining. I am turning down anything sexual almost instantly, and even things that I see that are sexy, for example, on TV, I turn down in my mind right away. I definitely believe I am flat-lining. I am not sure I have ever done this before.

    I have not, repeat not, done anything I am supposed to do, such as meditate or exercise or interact with others or go outside. I have found this to be hard but mostly I am just not really trying.

    I have been watching a huge amount of TV I shouldn't have been watching. This is addictive behaviour too because it stimulates me and prevents me from rewiring.

    Actually I've been practicing hard trying to be awake during the day and be asleep during the night. I have been mostly successful with this. This has helped me not look up porn, but it's mostly the flat-line.

    I haven't put a long password on my Windows XP computer in order to prevent me from changing my hosts file and help me not look up porn, I have just done a lot of thinking about it. I am not serious about rebooting, but I'm not serious about anything lately.

    On the plus side I am grateful for not having done m. or looked up p. for over a week and a half. There are not necessarily positive effects from that, but there are fewer negative effects!

    Yesterday I had a big idea in my mind to do with mathematical things such as mathematics and physics. These topics are done in the human brain by testosterone. I am sure I am having higher testosterone from not doing any m. and I really like it.

    I still think the discipline I did to myself my previous rebooting attempts was over-done and I freaked myself out. Not as much as I stated in my previous posts though. I hope to increase discipline in the future without over-doing it and freaking myself out.

    Counts as of this writing: 11 days no porn, 9 days no m.
     
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I looked at porn on TV yesterday, a surprisingly large amount was on. Between that and another slight infraction before that I decided to reset my counter. I didn't m. to it though.

    I did some m. this morning, and then some more later this morning. This was foolish. I reset my counter for that, too. It was at 19 days for P and 13 days for M, though I guess the P was more like 11 days due to the slight infraction I mention above. All of that abstinence was relatively easy because of a flatline due to my fourth unofficial rebooting attempt.

    I need to go back to meditating more than anything else. That is by far the most useful thing for me I think, other than focusing on staying awake during the day and sleeping at night. I need to meditate, seriously, but not every day. I plan on trying every second day.

    I have also been watching way too much TV and playing too much computer games and otherwise wasting time. This one of my biggest setbacks.
     
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Still not trying. Did two stupid PMOs today, and one or two more before that.

    I still haven't even put a strong password on my Windows administrator account so I can't disable the hosts file filtering I use for porn blocking. I spent what might have been weeks thinking about it, but I still didn't do it. I think it's just about attachment to porn and how I don't want to be broken free from it.

    One good thing about thinking about it was the idea of devoting one of my other PCs (not here in the place where I am staying now) to an entire cause, mathematics for education. Mathematics has been on my mind a lot lately, I think because I have nothing to do and because I didn't masturbate at all for a while.

    I think having a full prostrate makes your mind more able to go after abstract things like mathematics and science better. I notice those things are caused by testosterone, at least I think so, so I think that my testosterone was high from a very full prostrate and not masturbating for a while.

    Another plus side is I had the idea of putting Linux on that other PC. Linux is my favourite thing in the world and getting to use it again instead of Windows or Mac OS X is actually one of the biggest motivations I have for quitting Internet porn.

    So, I should probably still put on that strong password on my Windows XP administrator account.

    I have been keeping fairly good as far as trying to sleep at night and stay awake during the day, which is one of the biggest things for me for letting me look up Internet porn, but overall I haven't been trying as far as going outside, exercising, meditating, doing something constructive during the day, or seriously trying to keep a schedule. I am being lazy and I am not really trying. This is partially from discouragement to do with things outside the scope of Internet porn, and a bad attitude.

    I have noticed that whenever I am not looking at porn, not using the computer or the Internet or video games, not watching TV or carefully listening to the radio or reading or reading the Bible or A.A. philosophy books... Or eating or exercising or showering, you get the idea... Whenever I am not doing anything else I turn my mind to some of the problems I have facing me in real life, in reality, and I get really angry and have rage right away, within seconds almost. I think that's what I have to deal with in order to get out of this.

    [ Added later: ]
    Having a high counter and being able to give better advice to other people here is one of my motivations pursuing discipline and not looking up Internet porn.caused be excessive, long-term use of Internet porn.

    [ Yet another edit: ]
    rcfergie5 said here:
    That was really appropriate for me. I think that being addicted to Internet porn is the thing that's preventing me from getting what's rightfully mine. Actually that's why I am getting angry above! It's always about me not getting what's rightfully mine! I'll just need to quite Internet porn and work it through and I think I'll get what's rightfully mine. That would be fantastic!
     
  19. CrazyGopher

    CrazyGopher Member

    I have been relapsing lately too. I hope, we can figure out how to finally put this behind us.
     
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    CG, thank you for posting.

    I see it has been ten days since you posted, which means it has been ten days since I checked my YBR journal. I really didn't think it had been that long.

    But, for the record, a status update:

    I believe I had two more silly PMO instances a few days ago after using Linux a lot, which doesn't have any filtering installed. It's also triggering because I feel so free when using it.

    I also looked at some p. on TV yesterday which is why I made my last counter reset.

    ...

    Crazygopher, I had been meaning to post to your journal for a long time now, since January 11th or so. I still ought to. If I do it will be proof that I am having a good attitude.

    I would like to list some things that I have done that I think have actually been an improvement.

    I think I was killing myself with stress before, with way, way too strict discipline. These are the things I was doing for strict discipline, and I think I have a harder time with discipline than most people due to a natural (mental, developmental) difficulty with it. These are the things I was attempting to do, all at once (way, way too hard):
    • Wake up at 6 to 6:30 AM every day
    • Floss and brush teeth every day (I have a really hard time with flossing)
    • Meditate for 20 minutes every day
    • Pray on my knees about a specific list of things every morning
    • Read my A.A. or other literature every morning
    • Read my Bible every morning, about a chapter
    • Do running in my room for 20 minutes every day (later changed to every second day, but I never did that
    • Exercise by doing push-ups and sit-ups in my room (that's all I know how to do, I don't know what I'm doing as far as exercising) every day, or every two days
    • Don't turn on the TV, don't turn on the computer, don't go on the Internet
    • Force myself to go out the door for five or ten or twenty minutes every morning
    • Showering and shaving are in there, too, but not necessarily every day
    • Get this done by 9 AM even though I have a hard time with it all, and at 9 AM attempt employment-related activities (actually, attempting the employment-related activities has worked out really, really well, when I actually get to end up doing it)

    And then the strictness of the routine did not end there, it was supposed to go all day, for example, an afternoon routine and an evening routine, including 20 minutes of guitar practice.

    The things I did that were an improvement were a decrease of sleeping at night, an increase of staying awake, an decrease in wasted computer time, and a slight increase in discipline with no corresponding increase in stress. But, overall, I know I am not trying as much as I ought to.

    ...

    I made progress when I was doing (the routine), but I still think the stress of the strictness of it freaked me out and made me anxious about it. Also I should mention I was on a medication that was definitely a stimulate (an anti-depressant) and probably doubled my daily activities that-I-wanted-to-do.

    So, I have to find some balance between discipline, which will help me replace Internet porn with other dopamine-raising activities, and over-strict discipline, which will probably freak me out and not help in the long run and maybe just lead to porn look-ups as I run out of steam and will power and feel self-destructive and defeated.

    Sooner or later I will just have to really try with the huge amount of will power that recovering from Internet porn requires. I don't want to unless I am absolutely certain about quitting, and until I'm completely positive about the plan I've worked out.
     

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