I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    All I'm saying, a month of "Internet fasting" has done tremendous things for me in the past :).

    Forward, soldier!
     
    Newwaynewlife and nuclpow like this.
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I have to figure out some way to do it in my apartment with two computers online and not a lot else to do. Here's some things I can do instead of going on my computer (or my smartphone) (not counting internet video as internet):
    • Pray/meditate/read Holy Book
    • Exercise
    • Play video games
    • Cook
    • Clean/do chores
    • Go hang around outside sometimes
    • Watch TV
    • Watch streaming TV and Youtube on my TV
    • Read
    • Write things down
    • Pursue formal education
    • Meet with friends and family and supporters
    • Listen to music (especially CD quality music with the headphones on, that's an experience)
    Edit: Getting a job would be a great use of time, too.

    Status

    I was tempted just now to go FMO, but I came here to post instead. No sexual activity for a couple days, but I'm still tempted to FM. I also looked up attractive pictures of women today, which is a bad habit, but I quit it fairly quickly.

    Edit: I positive fantasised of adopting a boy. At least I did that.

    I attended an SAA meeting yesterday and I shared. I might have to do the Twelve Steps if I want to quit FM and recover my neurology (rewire my brain). I don't have enough motivation to do that now, though.

    Well, I'm still a bit triggered, so I'm going to pray and try to stay away from the area in the apartment where I usually like to FM. That might help a lot.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2021
    -Luke- likes this.
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Tempted again. I was tempted to go have some "harmless" sexual fantasies and masturbation fun, but I turned it down and came here instead. (Or maybe in another order.)

    It's hard to stay motivated to not M. The payoff, of having actual sex in a relationship, is hard for me to imagine happening anytime soon. (Though it's easier to imagine eventually than it used to be, it seems.) It was much better when I was MOing once a month, only for a few minutes, and not to extensive sexual fantasies. I think after about a year of that I might have recovered and rewired. I just liked myself better when I was abstaining, too, plus I wasn't masturbating while thinking that God was watching me and seeing my awful fantasies. I guess the idea that God is watching me (and seeing into my fantasies) might be the only thing that gets me to refrain from FM.

    Hmm, I have a second computer that's been running without a filter for a while, and it's tempted me slightly a couple times. But the only thing I've done on it so far is to look up pictures of women, which still isn't a good idea. I guess I should fix it and put the filter on it.

    Okay, I think I'm not tempted now.
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity since last. I dreamed of YBR. I hope that means that I'm leaving porn farther behind. I've been doing well the past few days turning down sexual fantasies and M. I sometimes think of porn and registering for it. This is bad and I hope it doesn't go anywhere. I am still remembering porn I saw two years ago. Unfortunately it might be like that for a long time, possibly even the rest of my life.

    Now that I'm over 2 years clean from internet porn I was thinking of posting to the Success Stories section of this website, even though I still haven't quit FM for long and I haven't rewired.

    Internet addiction

    I wrote a long list of alternative activities than going on the internet and I taped it in front of my screen. I can flip it over to the back when I go on the computer, though.

    I also wrote a smaller list of things that justify internet use, like trying to get a job.
     
    -Luke- and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I bet you woke up in a cold sweat. :eek:

    Just kidding. No internet porn for more than 2 years? That's a huge improvement! I'd definitely read your success story.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity for 11 days according to my counter. I'm a little strained from it. I have noticed that I have been finding young women very beautiful again. I think this happens when I haven't had sexual activity for a while. It sure is nice to be in a world surrounded by beautiful women (at least on TV and computer screens).

    I plan to keep refraining from sexual activity except for MO (without extensive fantasy) every 1-2 months.

    Rewiring

    I got outside recently, so I might be getting out more and doing things, which should help with rewiring.

    Internet addiction

    I haven't been doing well at staying off the computer. But I still feel better because I stayed off the computer for several hours last week. Yeah I don't know what that means either. I don't seem to want to do knitting or piano practice.
     
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity since last, and the movie I watched had no female nudity in it. I'm feeling tempted to MO, now, though. I might go through with it because it's been a while since my last release. I don't know what I'll do, but posting here regularly helps keep me on track.

    Edit next day: I tried Ming but I couldn't get an erection without fantasy. I gave up after a few minutes. I guess I'm resetting my counter, too.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2021
    Shady likes this.
  9. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Forget Ming, man. What's normal for others is overkill for us.

    Go down the narrow path. Believe me, I was tempted to compromise these days. But don't we know what that leads to?

    Every. Time.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I haven't been tempted to M lately. I did once a couple days ago, but now the idea hasn't occurred to me because I can't get an erection without porn memories or porn-inspired fantasy, and I know that leads back to porn and is forbidden. So I've been healthy the past few days.

    Sometimes I find myself thinking about sex a lot. When that happens I have to keep pushing it away and thinking other thoughts. I've been thinking way too much about sex since childhood, and I've been trying to cut it down for years now. I seem to have made progress because I haven't thought much about sex the past couple days.

    To-do

    I don't really feel the need to reward myself for going without P and M, I seem to be fine with my progress. I'll still buy treats at the grocery store though because they're good.
     
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I unintentionally but carelessly saw porn today. It was disgusting and turned me off. I've also tried M with F today but I couldn't get an erection. I've mostly been doing well at leaving fantasy behind. It's tempting me now, though.

    Edit: I'm ashamed of myself but I FMOed now. I was probably triggered by the porn I saw today, the same porn I said turned me off, and possibly by the chat in the 12 step channel I was in. I saw myself in the mirror after and I was not happy with myself. I was ashamed and embarrassed.

    Edit continued: At least I know now that it seems that I need a better plan to quit M, and then rewire from P, than just thinking that God is watching me and can see into my fantasies.
     
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2021
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I had a vivid dream that I was looking up porn and that I had to reset my 2+ year counter. Fortunately it was only a dream.
     
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I haven't MOed in the past few days, and of course I haven't PMOed in over 2 years. I think I am triggered to consider FMO by the dream of porn I had a few nights ago. I'm also thinking of giving up on trying not to M, although I'd have to give up on rewiring, having high quality skin, and also on my old goal of quitting MO. I also don't believe in having these extensive sexual fantasies that I have, so I'd have to give up on quitting those, too.

    I know I'm rambling but this is where I am in my rebooting effort, a bit tired and discouraged. Maybe I should find something big to reward myself with for continuing to try to go without P and M for years and years, something that is not addictive itself. Maybe a girlfriend.
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I FMOed to extreme and immoral fantasies. I am praying, but I don't think I have the will to quit FM. I don't have a plan.
     
  15. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    I've had at least one major battle per week. I miss this thing, for sure. 68 days, no release - I thought many times I'm on the verge of a wet dream; nope.
     
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I'm still FMOing every day or two. I'm thinking I should use the spreadsheet method to keep track of my sex life. I think that will help me whittle down bad behaviours. Maybe if I write a program that lets me just click a couple buttons and updates the spreadsheet for me I would have discipline to keep it updated.

    I'm getting bad consequences, or I have recently, for FMO. But it's not as bad as the karma and crisis that I get after a 6 hour PMO binge, so it's not as much motivation for me to quit. The only motivations I have for quitting FMO is it might help in getting rewired, and it may help get me to have real sex. I'm also not too comfortable with the fantasies I have, so maybe it'll help with that uncertainty and guilt, too. But I can feel myself rebelling against that even now, just after being sated (temporarily).
     
  17. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    1 day, after 49 pages... :D - just let me constructively grill ya, will ya?! Let me just minimize your progress, to motivate you! :)

    [​IMG] ,
    and I ain't ashamed to say I trust you will!
     
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm over two years clean from internet porn, and my head has cleared quite a lot and I find it easier to think strategically, which suggests to me that my brain might be healing.

    But yeah, this progress with quitting MO is sucky, and I can do better.

    Sexual fantasy is one of my oldest habits. I used to have sexual fantasies as a child before I even knew what sex was. I think it's because I was having a very bad childhood, and that I'm just born with an advanced interest in sex. I may need counselling or therapy to quit my over-interest in sex.

    I've prayed to quit sexual fantasy and MO, and I usually get results from prayers, but I know you guys want more concrete plans than that. I think I'll bring up sexual fantasies with my male support crew.

    Honestly, it might help if I didn't watch music videos with people I'm attracted to.
     
  19. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Oh, my bad, my bad! Beg for forgiveness, that is HUGE! Sincere congrats, MAN!

    Definitely, my friend!

    I can relate. That was the only way I would M, before. I don't know if any female colleague/neighbor escaped from being in one of my fantasies. I had a whole harem! Could barely wait for the night to come, once I discovered M. I still vividly remember how I discovered prone masturbation and the combination of out-of-this-world pleasure and scare my first orgasm brought me.

    And even now, eh...every once in a while I remember some torrid scenes with my ex-wife and boy they get e going! "It's unfair!", I say, and I'd spank the monkey. "It's been 4 years since the divorce, you've had no sex since due to your principles, come on, take care of yourself!" Well...nope; that's not for me anymore.

    More ways to skin a cat. Whatever helps you, my friend.

    The danger of P-substitutes can't be overstated. I've also had a period when I'd watch the local music TV / MTV and oh boy when one of those Spice Girls or even raunchier music videos would come up...what a rush! Pure dopamine and adrenaline. I can still clearly remember days when I'd come home from school, be alone, and have a long session of M to those channels. For some reason, if it was raining outside, it made everything even better. Gave me a cozy feeling being inside, warm, alone and...with "time on my hands", pun intended.
     
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I did a good job quitting porn. But I think I'm still addicted. I don't have good forethought or impulse control or even very good common sense. I also find it very hard to think things through, but that's partially due to mental health/disability issues I had before porn. Plus I have PIED still and can't get an erection to ordinary stuff.

    Just today I was masturbating, and I was feeling hardly any pleasure! Like, almost nothing. I think this is another sign I'm still thoroughly addicted and have to rewire.

    I'm having trouble coming up with the motivation to rewire, since I seem to be willing to accept this reduced life with this reduced brain.
    I've been trying to quit M since I started. I think it's a bad habit. The use of of extensive sexual fantasies, like a harem as you say, is making it 20 times harder. I've heard the advice of trying to say goodbye out loud to porn, maybe I can say bye to the individuals in my fantasies and that'll help me quit sexual fantasy. If I get rewired I'll be able to M without sexual fantasy, so at least I'll have that release. The idea of going without a release is scaring me heavily, though I don't know why.

    But nowadays I am a lot less hypersensitive to porn and sex cues. Maybe masturbation isn't so wrong, but it's bad for me now, and I don't have much ideas on how to quit.
     

Share This Page