I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity since last. I'm watching a movie with nudity in it. It warned me that it had some, but I didn't expect it to be so gratuitous. Anyway I'm going to keep with my policy of late and just watch the movie. Otherwise, I wouldn't have that many movies to watch, and it usually works out fine. But man I love women though.

    Rewiring

    I listened to a bunch of classical music. I was hoping it would help with rewiring, but I don't think it did. I didn't feel like my brain was being challenged. I think I should go back and listen to some specific classical music that seemed to make make my brain work before.

    Edit: I'd like to get into this rewiring thing some more. I have tried several things to help me rewiring, and for a few of them I get the feeling that I'm doing something but I'm not being brainy enough or having enough forethought. For example, if I play checkers I can know, somewhere, that I ought to think more about my next move, but I figure that it's hard and I don't. Then I get my pieces taken and lose. Something similar happens in other strategy games. And for music, I feel my mind reaching for greater understanding of why the music was composed that way, but my brain is like "that's a lot of extra work, don't do that". I feel like that once I start going that extra distance and fully thinking about my next move, or appreciating that classical piece like I ought to, then I'll be rewired, or at least starting with the rewiring.

    To-do

    Practice rewiring more by listening to classical music. Buy myself reward treats for going a long time without M.
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2021
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Just posting a little while after my last post. Oddly, I've seen even more nudity on a TV show I watched later today. But I'm not as triggered by it.

    Rewiring

    I'm mostly posting to post more about rewiring. My last post was kind of a jumble and not well-written.

    Here are some things that I think I think could help me rewire (also things that I'm bad at because I'm unwired):
    • Strategy games (chess, Settlers of Catan, cards, etc)
    • Knitting
    • Classical music, some of it
    • Practicing piano
    • Keeping careful track of the plots of movies and TV shows
    When I do those things, I often get the feeling that I should be trying harder with my brain, to go the extra mile, to think things through several steps ahead. I think that's my brain telling me what would be normal if I had a normally wired brain. And I think that if I were to force myself to do those things, it would start to help me wire correctly. But I don't want to because it's extremely hard and because I have low willpower, both symptoms of hypofrontality. So, I guess my next effort will be to try and think those things through, and I think even if I did it once it would help with rewiring. It's a lot harder to do because of my low willpower and learned laziness, but it's my next project on this rebooting journey, so maybe I can do it.

    I can try and write down my progress here anyway.

    To-do

    Think things several steps through, to help with rewiring. Also reward myself for doing well so far.
     
    Shady likes this.
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Two MOs since last. A couple days ago I had an MO to minimal sexual fantasy, and I think it was a "good MO". "Good MO" is what I call it when it's just a release of sexual energy or semen and it just takes a minute or two and it doesn't set my rebooting back too much.

    Just now I had an FMO, an MO to extensive sexual fantasy. I was triggered by some stick figure porn I saw in a webcomic and I was tired and stressed so self-control was low. I still think I could have stopped myself if I really wanted to. Anyway I guess I'll change my counter again to P and M. I also found out that I still have some passions to do with sex and I wish I had been having regular sex since I was about 22 years old or so.

    Edit: It might have been triggered in part by some partial movie nudity I saw of a famous person I like. Actually I still feel a little triggered. It's been a long time since I had a sexual relationship with anyone, and even when I did, it wasn't very intimate.

    It might take me a while to recover from this FMO.

    Second edit: I'm tempted to look up porn a little, and I haven't been in over a year. I think it's best I stay at my computer near YBR and not lay in bed and let temptation overtake me.

    Third edit: Yeah, I'm tempted to FM when I'm lying down. Possibly the only reason I'm not is because I put a record of my Ms in my signature below my counter, and I'd have to update it. I can tell that I'm very lonely, though it's not as bad as it used to be.

    Fourth edit: I FMOed again later that night. I felt like I could have resisted it if I really wanted to. Anyway I think I've gotten that out of my system for now.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2021
  4. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @nuclpow I've been there before. I hate to say it but I saw it coming from the beginning of your post.
    You said coming to YBR helps, but the things is, you come here to discuss PMO which means it's still on your mind and as long as it's on your mind, it's just a matter of when.
    You need to get busy with something that is not related to PMO.
    Try visiting YBR only when you have a clear mind.
    This is just what I believe. You are welcome to try this if you like.

    Wish you all the luck.
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I went back thinking about the stick figure porn I saw and I am still slightly triggered by it. But no sexual activity since my last post. I know I MOed a lot recently, and it will take a while to bounce back from that.

    Rewiring

    Today I played a strategy game online with my family and I did a lot better at that game than I usually do. I think it's because I chose to go the extra mile in thinking things through as far as the strategy of the game. Maybe I'm rewiring already, as long as I continue to stay away from porn and I try to think through strategies as much as I can.

    Shady, I read your post but I'll have to think about it.

    Edit: I was tempted to FMO again but I exercised my will power and chose to listen to music and watch TV instead, a much better decision. Sometimes I just have to remind myself there's no one who can make this decision except me.
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2021
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I think posting to YBR often helps keep me sane and clean.
    I agree. I need to get a job and I sometimes fantasise about raising children. I'm a lot healthier than I used to be, but getting employed with my disability is still hard. (Some 85% of autistics are unemployed or underemployed.) I'm trying to fill up my life by talking on the internet and watching television, but I still have about 8 hours a day I don't know what to do with. It would be great if I could spend my time doing something constructive and if I got money for it. It might destabilise me a bit at first as far as staying away from PMO but I think I'll adjust.
    I'll have to think about this.

    Status

    I was tempted to FMO but that seems to have passed. Mostly I need something to do, like @Shady says.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2021
    Shady and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No acting out since last. The idea to FMO occurred to me recently and I fondled myself a bit, but I stopped that.

    I wanted to mention that viewing the stick figure porn (no breasts or privates shown) seems to have affected me for days. Even yesterday I was self-conscious going out, like I had done something wrong. (I don't think I did something wrong, viewing those stick figures was unintentional.) It was almost like I had PMOed. I don't think I can be more careful and still be able to view things on the WWW and TV that grown-ups need to get to.

    Edit: I got a cake to reward myself for going 1-1.5 years no PMO. It made me feel slightly better. I hope I don't eat it all at once, I should invite someone over to eat it.
     
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  8. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @nuclpow yes cherish these healthy fantasies and use them to motivate yourself to quit PMO. Some day in the near future you will start a family and have amazing kids.

    Disability? Why would you say that? You don't have a disability.
    I have never experienced what you have always experienced as an autistic and I can't even begin to imagine what it's like and I respect you for holding on so far, but with all due respect, that is not a disability.

    I struggle with mental health everyday fighting my bipolar episodes and trying to function and work around them, but from experience I can tell you being mentally special is not a disability.

    I've tried living my life believing that I have a disability and it all went to hell and then I tried believing that I'm actually special and miraculously, my life became the best it could ever be.

    It's all about the mindset. Believe that you are the best and you will be the best. That's how amazing the human brain is and studies prove that autistic people are actually genius.

    I'll suggest something to fill your time and to turn your life to the better.
    Use the internet to find online courses and develop your skills both in your field and line of work and in Interpersonal skills and abilities. Keep studying and develop yourself and one day you'll see the change and you'll even feel it inside.

    If you still have free time, go for a walk or a run or go cycling. Be healthy.

    And most of all, never give up and don't look for instant Gratification because results take time. Don't give up.

    These are some thoughts and suggestions and I hope this helps.

    It's up to you now to ten your life around.

    Don't forget! You are special.

    Now go amaze yourself.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    @Shady, thank you for a highly enthusiastic, supportive post. :)

    Status

    I FMed for several seconds, but stopped. I'm not going to reset my counter for it. I am tempted to fantasise sexually, though during my long streak I wasn't much. Yeah, maybe I should fantasise about having a job, a wife (without fantasising about sex) and children to help prevent the bad fantasising.
     
    -Luke- and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  10. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    :D That's god motivation right there!
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    This may be a controversial topic but I think stuff like that can help. I remember in my early days of NoPMO I used to fantasize about stuff like kissing or cuddling without the sex (sounds pretty sad) and I think it helped me. If porn fantasy is half as bad as watching porn, why shouldn't rewiring fantasy be half as good as rewiring in real life?

    However, I also see a pontential downside. If you fantasize about something and at some point you realize you don't have it in real life, this could also lead to some depression. Or it could be a powerful motivator. I guess it depends on the person.
     
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  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Okay, I think I'll try it.
    Eh, I think I'll be fine.

    Status

    Now for bad news. I did one FMO. It wasn't a "good MO" at all, it involved three extreme sexual fantasies. It was a "bad MO".

    I am feeling like I was triggered by something. It may have been to a dream I had recently of a famous attractive woman, and in the dream I saw her back. Or it may have been due to me listening to a long religious discussion about sexuality. Or maybe both. Anyway I need some kind of plan or alternative activity. I think it was most likely the dream, it was pretty sexy. I guess I have to have a plan for what to do if I get triggered, and be on the lookout if I have a sexy dream.

    To-do

    I ate most of my cake and my treats for going without P and MO. I think I should just give myself a pat on the back, too, and tell myself that I did a good job. Now to try fantasising about having a better life and cuddling.
     
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I fantasised about having a job. It tired me out just thinking about it, so I guess it works. I plan to do more positive fantasising. There, I just fantasised about having a bigger house and a wife that I could afford with my job.

    Last night I dreamed I relapsed to porn and had to reset my 500+ day counter. Fortunately it was only a dream. But my brain showed me some nudity so I have to find a way to be less triggered. Maybe if I watch a children's movie on Netflix.

    I've literally patted myself on the back and said I did a good job for quitting porn. It sounds silly, but it seems to work. I should have been doing it while I was still trying to quit. It looks like encouraging yourself is the right idea.
     
    Rudolf Geyse and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Thanks for the likes, guys. Unfortunately I FMOed again. Bad habit. I think I haven't gotten my mind into sober thinking since the cartoon porn thing I saw about a week ago that I keep complaining about. A lot of it is just loneliness.

    I'm also sex-obsessed. Every time they show me a woman on TV I check out her body to see if they're showing off boobs or private parts. I'll do something similar to women in real life. This is bad behaviour, but for an internet porn addict it is also risky.

    To-do

    Meditate to figure out how to get myself un-triggered and get my mind off sex and porn. Keep trying the positive fantasising. Continue to try to get healthier so I can have more people to talk to and be less lonely.
     
  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Man that loneliness is tough @nuclpow . Hope you come right with that.

    In my belief system we have church community, weekly meetings in larger and smaller groups. Really helps with making connections with people. Maybe you could check that out in your area, or communities formed around your hobbies, similar interests etc. This is not an easy road to get into, but it may help long term. Just a suggestion.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I haven't looked at porn, but I've thought about it several times. I even think of going back to my favourite porn site and paying for it. Also recently I have been FMing, about half the time to O. I've been caving really easily into temptation to FM. I'm having trouble getting my mind back on track to sobriety and clean living. I even think that God is watching me and I go ahead and do it anyway, and have fantasies he wouldn't approve of. I think a lot of it is loneliness and missing real sex. I reached out to my family a little bit now.

    Edit: Another FMO to porn-like fantasy. I've fallen off the wagon.
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2021
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Another FMO. I've prayed a couple times to stop the FMO, and I'm beginning to think that the answer from God is a reminder that he is watching me, and I shouldn't be doing that. I plan to think about that and keep praying on the issue. This may help me stop FMO.

    Positive fantasies

    I think that fantasising about having a well-paying full time job, a house, a wife, and children, is too much for me all at once. I fantasised today about raising a little boy, teaching him how to go grocery shopping and bathe and eat healthy. This is probably healthy use of my time, but I don't think it's helping a lot with rewiring.

    Rewiring

    I'm listening to classical music lately and I think it helps clear my head of nonsense, and may eventually help with rewiring as it increases my ability to focus.

    To-do

    Keep praying to quit FMO, keep fantasising about doing well, try and work up a plan for not wasting all day on the internet (maybe pray about that too). Reward myself with pizza or a sub for going so long no PMO.
     
  18. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    I, for a few days, had a Bible under my laptop table. Add a Bible verse desktop, too...and by the time you get the Bible out of the room and change the desktop, that time "buffer" will make you change your mind.

    I remember when I used to draw crosses on my hands. Before doing the deed, I'd need to grab some rubbing alcohol to get them off. Discouraged me a ton.

    A little "time barrier" between you and the mad act of indulging in sin (putting you to "work" to get in the "right position") will give time to your conscience to act upon it.

    Put a little sticky note on your system: "God sees you". Like a piece of paper...that you will need to physically remove before doing the deed.
     
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  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I like these ideas. They sound good hearted and that they might help. I don't look at porn on my computer anymore (though I do look at sexy pictures sometimes). The issue is fantasy masturbation.

    Status

    No sexual activity for a while. I had a temptation to FM but I turned it down, and I haven't had one sense. I guess I am back on the wagon.
     
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    One FMO and one FM session since last. I'm not doing too well. I think it's because if an appointment I had lately and me trying to change my sleep schedule (it was very bad). I think the stress of these two things helped me go FM and not resist it. I have the dysfunctional stress circuits that YBOP told me about. I also don't resist eating tasty food that I have, like snack food and sugary desserts. I eat them way too quickly, with hardly any self-control. I think it's the same with FM, I keep doing it because I have hardly any self-control. I do other things I don't want to do because of low self-control too, like going on the computer/internet before I should, or a gross habit I have. I guess I have to think about this.

    To-do

    Try and stay off the internet a few hours and think about my loss of self-control and bad stress circuits.
     

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