I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks, @dark red drifter vessel.

    Status

    Still no sexual activity since last. I also haven't watched any sexy music videos that I can remember, and I haven't ogled anyone outside.

    Boy, going without sex and masturbation is getting on my nerves. I feel frustrated and I guess a little angry. Getting married is a long way away from me, if ever. I'll probably just M. Or not. Either way I'm pretty frustrated. I'll think and pray about marriage I guess.

    I have noticed that when I don't M or have sex I have a drive to accomplish things... but since I'm disabled, doing things is hard for me, and I don't do them and just get frustrated.
     
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I MOed. I didn't go for extensive sexual fantasies so I'm not calling it an FM. The urge to MO was getting larger over the past few days, and eventually I decided I was suffering for no reason and after a false start went to MO. There was some sexual fantasy that I am not proud of, but I didn't go for a 20 minute long FMO with extensive perverse sexual fantasies. I don't feel so bad and I don't think I was reset to start as far as rebooting, it was partially a "good MO".

    Rewiring

    I still haven't chosen to do rewiring activities like practicing piano or knitting for 45 minutes, I just am really not looking forward to it. I guess that's because of my unwired brain, which doesn't want to do anything hard for a long time.
     
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity since last. I watched half an old movie (The Graduate) I didn't expect to have implied nudity in it, so I stopped watching it. I'll probably watch the rest later since it usually works out for me to finish watching movies even if they have sexuality.

    Rewiring

    I have been trying to avoid going on the piano for just five minutes. I think it doesn't help with rewiring. I think I need at least 20 minutes. Well, after about a week or two I finally got bored enough to go on the piano and make myself practice for 20-30 minutes. It got harder as I went on and eventually I stopped at about half an hour (just guessing), but I think if I do it regularly it could help with rewiring. Also I'm very bad at the piano, I can't even play pre-grade material without making mistakes most of the time.
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity except some self-fondling, and I had some fantasies, and I looked at sexy attractive pictures on the WWW just recently. So, I haven't been doing great but at least no porn or M.

    Edit: I seem to have triggered myself. I went to FM but stopped myself. Now I'll have to distract myself for a few hours to get un-aroused.

    Rewiring

    I think that the ability to focus has a lot to do with rewiring. I have noticed that I have the habit of skimming over, actually not really reading, articles and Web pages. I've been trying to force myself either to read every word or go do something else and see if that helps with rewiring.

    I haven't practiced piano or knitting for the past two days.
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I did some fantasising, which I'm not supposed to do, and started to get a semi-erection fairly quickly. I take this as a sign that I might be rewiring. Usually it's not possible for me to get a boner without extreme fantasising and masturbation.

    Edit: I read an article, https://www.theguardian.com/global/...addicts-and-what-we-can-do-to-break-the-cycle , about addiction to smartphones. I don't have much going on on my smartphone, but I'm addicted to going on to my desktop, usually hoping for someone to chat with me on the internet. I waste years doing this. I might have to quit this in order to rewire, but I should probably quit it anyway (and find improved things to do with my time).
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2021
    Gil79 likes this.
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I Med for a few seconds yesterday or the day before. I'm not going to reset my counter since I didn't really get going, but I thought it would be worth it to come here and be honest about it. Before that M I looked at a lot of arousing pictures and an arousing music video, which I shouldn't have done. It breaks the NoA rule as well as the Christian rule of no lustful looking. In retrospect this arousing content made me want to act out, just like NoA is supposed to prevent. I've got to remember to take that rule more seriously, my recovery may depend on it. I guess next time I can avoid looking at sexy pictures and skip music videos if they get sexy.

    Rewiring

    I haven't practiced knitting or piano recently, I'm hesitant to do so because it's hard work. But maybe that's exactly what will help with rewiring. I think I messed up my knitting, though, and I don't want to have to undo it all and start again.
     
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I've been doing well as far as sexual activity. No sexual activity and I haven't been tempted. I've looked at a few women outside but not really sexually.

    Rewiring

    I was playing online table top games with my brothers today and that took a lot out of me and I feel like shaking now. I wonder if that's because I'm getting close to rewiring.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity since last. Just a painting of like 50 naked women that I looked at but tried not to lust over pornographically. I'm still mildly turned on though, and I wish I could go back there and ogle the picture.

    Edit: I went back and closed the picture without looking at it, but I still ended up Ming for a few seconds, I think because I looked at the picture a lot. I Med to a little bit of fantasy, but it was only for about 6 seconds, so I'm not sure if I should reset my counter or not. I might have to, or else I'll never stop FMing for 6 seconds, which I think sets me back even though it's only 6 seconds.

    Edit again: I think I've gotten over my FM earlier. I wanted to mention that I've been feeling amorous and affectionate today. I've been thinking about attractive women and maybe how to have sex with them. I've been like this before after periods of no ejaculation, I guess it's a good sign that I'm having a healthy sexuality. I think I'll pray to God about what to do as far as dating.

    Edit a third time: I did another few seconds of M but not as bad as earlier. I forgot about praying to God for a romantic relationship.

    Rewiring

    I am thinking of telling my family that I have an addiction, though not which kind. I was going to ask them for ideas on challenging my brain so I can get some ideas for rewiring. Maybe they'll play me in strategy games or assign something else to challenge me.

    Someone on the internet told me about doing chores mindfully. You guys might know about mindful meditation. Well, I guess mindful chores is when you think clearly about what you're doing and why you're doing it. I think doing chores and other things mindfully might help me rewire. It might make it easier for me to practice piano, too. I guess if I do it I'll post here how it went.
     
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2021
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I reset my counter for my six-to-ten second FM. It kept occurring to me, or my conscience, so I figured I had to do it. I had an erotic dream recently, which I think I should note, and woke up with a partial erection. I don't know why I always wake up with partial erections. I hope I don't have ED, but I can get hard with porn and sexual fantasy, so I guess I don't have ED, just PIED.

    I still think I'm doing pretty good at rebooting overall.
    • No looking at porn and no temptation to look at it
    • Avoiding most nudity on TV and on computers
    • MOing once a month without fantasies
    • Trying different things to rewire
    My head is a lot clearer and my brain is chemically detoxing from internet porn I think, and I still have a sense of relief and gratitude that I'm not spending my days embarrassing myself by looking up porn that I think is wrong and I hate.

    Rewiring

    I confessed to one family member that it was hard for me to do strategy because of something to do with my brain, but I didn't mention addiction because I didn't want to burden him. At least it's a start.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  10. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Hey man. As many can attest (I am one), not waking with boners does not mean ED.

    Now that I sleep more, I wake with them.

    They sometimes don't even occur when we have long periods of abstinence. It's as if our bodies "forget" about sex. But when the occasion comes...it arises (heh...) to the occasion.

    Listen: trust the process. It simply works. Don't test, don't fret; 99.9% you'll be fine.

    I, too, get form time to time the little gremlin talking rubbish in my ears. Bitch-slap it and stay on the course, like a man of integrity.

    Congrats on your two day streak!
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your post, @CleanBootsBaby! and your likes, @-Luke-.

    Status

    No sexual activity since last. I had the opportunity to ogle some scantily clad women but I felt like I might get in trouble and it wasn't right anyway, so I avoided it.

    I've reset my counter back to porn only which gives it a much more impressive 500+ count. I'm not sure there's much a point in me having an M counter and resetting it every month.

    Rewiring

    Today I played strategy games with my brother, and I thought carefully about my moves. I think I could feel the bit of exercise working on my brain. I might have to play chess every day to rewire, maybe. Well, I can do that online.
     
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Some fantasising, not extreme or extensive I don't think. I started to get erect but not fully. At least my penis is working a little bit. I've been tempted to FM, but I turned it down. I think the temptation is because I changed my counter over to porn only and if I FMed it wouldn't show up on it, so maybe I'll change the counter back.

    Rewiring

    I'm still feeling positive from playing strategy games yesterday. It was just within my ability to think and to focus, and I think it helped grow my brain. Maybe I can slowly recover and rewire my brain this way.
     
    BoughtWithBlood and Shady like this.
  13. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    It will come - these are exciting news, anyway! Things are moving forward. The more you stay clean (anything is dangerous for us - and, believe me...I am preaching to myself here as well), the sooner you will feel like a teenager again.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity since last post, though I've been touching my crotch more often than I used to. The idea to M is coming to me more often to me than it used to while I had my counter set to P and M (now it's just set to P). But I haven't Med so at least it's not a set back. I keep checking out people that I can see walking outside my window, to see if any of them are attractive women showing off shape or skin. Bad habit... maybe I need to get out more.

    I'm posting because I think I have to do it often in order to keep clean and keep on track.

    Rewiring

    I haven't been knitting or practicing piano recently. I think I forgot how to continue to the next row in knitting and I just don't seem to want to make myself do another 30-45 minute piano practice session. I guess I find it too hard. Anyway, I think that resting my brain is part of rewiring too, so maybe I'll recover eventually.

    To-do

    Get myself another set of rewards for going almost 2 years no PMO and months no FMO. I feel like I need to reward myself soon, so next grocery shopping trip I guess.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  15. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    If you've been 500+ days on this website, you know very well that flirting with disaster leads to disaster.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I had a sexy dream and I woke up with a 95% hard erection, which was nice. I wonder if that means I can get it up without porn now. I have that temptation to check if my penis works with fantasising now, which I understand is a bad idea.
     
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Yes, it’s a bad idea. Just wait for the spontaneous erections during the day.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  18. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Leave it alone, IMO.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yes, guys, I'm leaving it alone. I was only slightly tempted to M. Thanks for your support.

    Status

    No sexual activity since last, but I have been browsing Imgur, which is possibly a bad habit for me since I like to save all the pictures or videos of sexy or attractive women. I also came really close to viewing porn yesterday when I looked up pictures of a woman celebrity. Many of the links were to a porn site, and it was way too close to looking at porn (and resetting my counter) and I got a little scared. Yeah, I know it's a bad habit to look up pictures of celebrities. It used to lead to me acting out (PMO) but it hasn't lately. But I think I'm not doing NoA really sincerely.

    Edit: I changed my counter to not show M anymore, now I don't know how long it's been since I MOed. For that and other reasons I think I should change my counter back to M even if I keep resetting it at 30 days when I MO.

    Rewiring

    I haven't been doing much to help with rewiring.

    To-do

    I repeat myself, but I really should reward myself for being (mostly) good lately, staying at from P and FMO. Maybe I should go to a restaurant.
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2021 at 9:52 PM
    BoughtWithBlood and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  20. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Great job, buddy!
     
    nuclpow likes this.

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