I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I did some FM today, hoping to get some relief from the urge to MO, but it didn't work out that way. I just Med without orgasming, and fantasised some immoral fantasies. I'm not sure what I accomplished, positive or negative, if anything. I reset my counter but I added a line in my signature trying to show that I'm only doing M minimally. TheUnderdog says not to focus on streaks anyway.

    I had some vivid dreams, including a sexual one that I don't really remember now. I still want to MO and I'm not sure what I should do.

    Rewiring

    I found my other knitting needle. Yeah I have knitting in my apartment. I read on Nintendo's Brain Age 2 that knitting can help with rewiring, so I should probably resume it. I'll have to learn how again and then keep practicing it, but I really don't want to for some reason. But, maybe I'll give it a try, it's probably not as bad as I think. Watch this space.

    Perhaps I'm not sufficiently motivated. But I hope nothing bad happens to motivate me, I've been through a lot already.

    To-do

    I know I did some M today but I still think I should reward myself for going 36 days without M.

    Edit the next day: I viewed a knitting tutorial yesterday to help with rewiring today but didn't actually try it. I felt shaky and anxious while it was going on, which I think meant that rewiring was going on or at least brain-clearing in preparation for rewiring.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2021
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I did an FMO today. I was soft through most of it and I couldn't get hard until I had extensive sexual fantasies. (Fantasies that would be immoral and make me sick in real life.) It was pleasurable but not extremely so, I was able to think during the orgasm. It reminds me of when YBOP says one of the symptoms of internet porn addiction is "frequent masturbation, little satisfaction". I am little satisfied.

    The goal of this FMO was to provide a tolerable and acceptable sexual release during my rebooting attempt. I'm not sure if I accomplished that or not, but I am sure I shouldn't be having those sexual fantasies or be masturbating if I can't get it up without fantasies or porn (I didn't use porn today).

    I'd also like to mention that during this rebooting attempt I keep thinking of sex during the day, actually one recurring thought and porn image. I wish I could control my thoughts about sex. I think TheUnderdog is right and we should focus on love and not sex. I'm hesitant to focus on love because I think that would make me vulnerable and might make me behave silly in public. Also I don't have a woman to love (probably a good thing I don't at this point).

    I guess I can try thinking of love every time my brain thinks about sex.

    Rewiring

    I still haven't touched my knitting, but it's near my computer.

    Internet addiction

    I am trying to form the habit of watching TV and listening to the radio in the morning, and maybe reading, to help me avoid going on the computer right away.

    To-do

    Try focusing on love instead of sex, and have my bicycle and computer repaired.

    Edit: To be open and honest, now that I've slipped up twice recently including an FMO I am thinking of quitting this rebooting attempt and just FMOing every day or whenever I feel like it. It's a bad idea but it's what I'm thinking.

    Another edit: I read some older entries from my journal. It's obvious my situation is a lot, a lot improved. I am no longer looking at internet porn. I have blocking and other things on my computers. I'm no longer Ming every day. I live on my own. My self-esteem isn't anywhere near as low. Man, moving out on my own really helped, but so did the filtering. I've come a long way.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2021
  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    You've definitely made a lot of progress. You can be proud of that.
     
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  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity since last. I'm thinking my last FMO wasn't so bad. (I have noticed I have this thought after some MOs, that they're not so bad if they're rare or occasional and they don't involve porn.)

    Rewiring

    Just now I went to KnittingHelp.com and watched their video on the beginning steps of knitting. I felt shaky before I did it and a small part of me really, really didn't want to go through with it. I think that's the part of me that needs to be rewired. I need to be rewired to be able to do things that are hard for now, but pay off later. Anyway I knitted a few stitches and stopped for now. I still feel a little on edge. I think I should keep going to the website and learn how to knit, to rewire, and just for general reasons of self-improvement. Plus I'll be able to say I know how to knit.

    Those reasons above should be good enough motivation, but I think addiction and my unemployed lifestyle have made me lazy. Anyway I plan to keep forcing myself to learn how to knit and to see what happens.

    To-do

    Keep learning to knit. Get treats for going a long time no MO. Keep cleaning and organising my apartment so it feels bigger inside than it is and makes me feel calmer and at home. Maybe make one room beautiful like Jordan Peterson says.

    Thanks for reading and your support guys.
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity since last. I haven't been really tempted to M. I've looked a few beautiful women on the internet though. I was partially able to appreciate their beauty without going to sexual thoughts.

    Rewiring

    I mostly posted to write this section about rewiring. I did a little more knitting and it made me anxious, and makes me anxious even now just to write about it. I think that's because it's helping with rewiring. Also I've been remembering bad memories where I maybe could have done a little different, and deciding to be better. I think this sort of thing, the dredging up of stuff that made me feel bad in the past, is a symptom of getting near rewiring, too.

    To-do

    Skipping this section because the last post was good enough.
     
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    A lame update because I was silly. I saw movie nudity. I didn't know there would be nudity in it, but I shouldn't have been watching it anyway because the whole show was sexual. I definitely violated the NoA rule putting it on. I guess I don't take NoA too seriously most of the time and I often look at sexy things on the internet or TV. Usually it doesn't turn me on much. I guess I just have to get out of that habit. Now I'm tempted to M. I'll try to distract myself on the internet for a bit and see if that calms me down.

    Edit actually after the bottom two edits: (Somewhat triggering.) The show I was watching had cleavage in it, and the hostess was going on about how all the ladies in the movie were big boobed. And yet I still went ahead with watching it, hoping to see filled in shirts on ladies. Now that I think about it this way it looks plain insane for me to go ahead and watch it while I should be practicing NoA.

    Edit: I feel a little better and not so triggered now, but I'm going to have to put some serious thought into NoA.

    Edit again: I think I often think of sexual things or try to get sexually aroused as a self-medication or an addiction. It produces an altered state in me. I guess that's why I have to go to SAA/SLAA. It'll be a hard habit to quit, but I might need to in order to rewire from porn.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2021
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity since last. Some A (arousal) from watching music videos just now. I'm posting because it's been a couple days.

    Today I watched half an episode of Dr. Phil. Yeah, a lot of you probably think he's lame or a wannabe, but I still like him. He talked about how people who did drugs have their emotional age arrested from when they started until they quit. I wonder if that's true for me and internet porn addiction. I'm not sure when I actually got addicted, could be 21, could be 17. Even at 17 I wasn't emotionally mature, I might have been more like 12 emotionally. On the other hand, I think I emotionally matured a lot trying to quit internet porn and to survive mental illness, so maybe I caught up a little. I don't think I've caught up to my real age at 42, I think I'm more emotionally immature than that.

    To-do

    I have lots to do, but I think I should get rid of some luggage (sell it) that I'm not using and that is just taking up space in my bedroom alcove.
     
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Only one day since my last post. No sexual activity to report, but I was near my attractive neighbour today and I sneaked looks at her figure and her legs, and now I feel a little aroused. So I failed NoA for a couple hours today.

    I'm feeling pretty good, other than that. I don't have the urge to M daily (it used to be almost several times a day, and more when I was younger). I think posting here and going to the S*AA meetings are helping. I think maybe I'm also starting to realise that these fantasies are doing me no good, like the quote from C. S. Lewis says. They're just me, not actual females who love me and adore me, and FMing is counter-productive even if it wasn't me. It's not real. The long quote about the ghost with the lizard (taken from The Great Divorce) makes an impact on me too.

    The nudity I saw a few days ago occurred to me a couple times. I have the idea to go back and watch it. A part of me is like, "Those are free and convenient naked breasts! Why wouldn't you watch them? What are you crazy?" But it's crazy to share boobs with thousands of other people, and to look at boobs on a screen when they're meant for real life touching and kissing, and a relationship with a real woman.

    To-do

    Sell luggage and clean my room. Jordan Peterson is right, cleaning your room makes you organise the rest of your life. Getting rid of that rabbit cage helped a lot.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity (other than looking) since last. I was tempted a little to FM yesterday, but not at other times.

    Right now the Olympics are on and of course there are many young and fit women. I'm so far choosing to watch the Olympics, figuring it'll help my mental health. The first event they're covering in its entirety is women's beach volleyball of all things, where they're almost dressed in bikinis. My own reaction is to stare and drool and lust and otherwise behave like an animal, and just watching this and thinking about is revealing how ridiculous I am being. (I am hoping S*AA might help with this.) I'm going to keep watching it though and try to focus on the game, figuring it's worth it to try to watch the Olympics, and maybe I can heal my ridiculous habit of lustful looking.
     
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  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity, except looking, since last. It's been easy to go without M recently. I think it's because my medications suppress essentially all of my sex drive. (Though I still have a desire to look sexually at people, I think that's an addiction, not a natural sex drive.)

    I've been watching the Olympics. I've gotten the lustful looking reduced but I'm still doing it a lot, just not extreme like before. Maybe I should take a break from watching the women's sports. I think watching the sports is helping. It's clear everyone goes through a lot of work to be there, even the enormously talented ones. It's a good example.

    Rewiring

    I have not touched my knitting in a while. I think I did it backwards the last time and I'll have to undo it and start again. I know I've made this list a bunch of times but here's some things that I think might help me rewire:
    • Playing chess or other old-fashioned strategy games
    • Knitting
    • Cooking/baking
    • Piano or other musical instrument playing
    • Brain Age 2
    • Dancing or learning to dance or to do a sport
    • Formal education in something I don't know real well
    To-do

    I have to get rid of a kitchen appliance and buy a replacement. I think that's the next thing I should do., other than knitting.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2021
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  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity since last, but some lusting over people on TV and on the WWW. I've been strongly tempted to FM today but I didn't. I think it's why I'm posting. I'm not sure how much it matters, but apparently I've got to go mostly without M or O in order to rewire.

    Rewiring

    I have done no knitting recently. The resistance and anxiety I have to do with knitting makes me think that it's working as far as helping with rewiring.
     
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  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Rewiring

    I did three small rows of knitting today. (I think I did it right.) I feel a little anxious from it, and I feel like if I do much more I'll get a headache. Is this my brain getting ready to rewire?

    Like I've already said, I think ADHD and autism (ASD) will make it harder for me to rewire. I have to figure out how to work within the limits imposed by my disability. I'm not sure what that means in practice, but I intend to keep trying to feel it out and maybe figure something out.

    Maybe I should try knitting 3 times a week, and to continue not to look at people lustfully and to not look at nudity or porn, and not to have sexual fantasies or masturbate. (I've been doing well at avoiding sexual fantasies and masturbation recently.)
     
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  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I had a nap and I woke up with a semi-erection. This hasn't happened in a while, maybe it's a good sign.

    Edit: Ugh, I just saw some porn on a subreddit that I assumed was safe. I didn't look too hard at it, but I think it will still be somewhat triggering. I think I'll be fine though.

    Edit again: I made it through the accidental porn exposure, I wasn't significantly triggered.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2021
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  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity, except looking, since last. I'm fairly stressed from resisting the impulse to FM. I'm wondering if I should even be watching the female events at the Olympics. (The TV shows mostly them.) I have gotten slightly better at not looking lustfully at the women contestants, though.

    Rewiring

    I played a little piano today.

    I'm wondering if I'll be able to rewire with me being on the internet basically all day. Maybe I'll have to cancel my internet access and use the internet from a cafe every day or so in order to recover. I have little or no self-control with staying off the internet.
     
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  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity since last, except lustful looking at females on TV and outside. I don't have an overpowering urge to FM, but I'm somewhat sexually frustrated, I think. And I'm failing NoA because I'm looking at women lustfully.

    Internet addiction

    I noticed that I was going on the internet every day a few minutes after I woke up, only going to the bathroom and checking my phone first. Today I decided to try to stay off the internet until late in the day. I failed. I went in the internet in about 2 hours, and on my main computer to chat in about 3 hours. (I find it's IRC (chat) that I most want to get to.) The urge to go on the internet was high and I eventually gave in, even with the Olympics on on streaming television, which uses the internet. It looks like I have a problem with internet use, but I don't know what to do about it except to try to avoid the internet every day for as long as possible. Maybe I should let a friend hold on to my computer and lock out my other computer until it's time to go on.

    Edit: It's also hard for me to resist eating sweet spreads I have. It was harder, but it's gotten easier recently. I think to go without internet I'm going to need a job.
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2021
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  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Not a lot going on. No sexual activity since last, except looking. I wish that I could masturbate, or even better, have sex, but it's not been that hard to resist to masturbate. I think it's easier for me to resist masturbating because I'm thinking that I'd rather have real sex, and that masturbation is counter-productive. According to my counter I'm 22 days since FMO, with only one FMO in about 60 days. This is among the least I've ever masturbated since hitting puberty.

    Rewiring

    I dreamed of attractive girls and I woke up with a pretty solid erection. I'm taking this as a good sign to do with rewiring.

    I also decided it might help to practice rewiring activities (like knitting and piano practice) for 45 minutes at a time, not just a couple minutes. Maybe just summoning up the will power to do something I don't want to do for 45 minutes will do me good, and help me rewire.

    Overall I'm doing fine, I'm just sexually frustrated.
     
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  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    What about reducing it in the morning and evening by 1 hour a day? Then build from there. Usually it’s really hard to just resist and you’ll feel like failing, no matter how long you manage not to. Moving step by step makes it easier, builds confidence and doesn’t deplete our willpower as much.

    Great job otherwise Nucl. Making great progress:) keep it up!
     
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  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Good idea. I've been trying to put off going on the internet until a couple hours after I get up, but what I think I really need is other things to do, like volunteering or a job.
    Thanks! Yeah, I'm blessed. It's great not to be looking at porn anymore, but I have yet to rewire. I'm working on it.

    Status

    No sexual activity since last. I looked at one woman a little bit lustfully. I'm not even tempted to masturbate. A few days ago the idea occurred to me that masturbation was not an option, and that if I wanted sex I'd have to find a woman and marry her. It made me feel a lot more mature for a few hours. Posting here helps keep me away from M I think.

    I dreamed of attractive girls and I woke up with a partial erection. I think this is a good sign that I might be starting to rewire.

    Rewiring

    I have done no knitting or piano recently. I think I've been putting them off because I don't want to do them for half an hour in one sitting, even though I have plenty of time, especially if it's to help me get rid of porn addiction for now and forever.

    To-do

    Try to do a rewiring activity at least once before my next post. Buy treats at the grocery store as a reward for going no M. Go to a fast food restaurant as a reward for being good in general.
     
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual activity. One or two counts of ogling women outside. (Edit: Oh, yeah, I repeatedly watched a music video of sexily-clad women dancing. Even though I found it delightful more than sexual, I guess that violates the NoA rule.)

    I'm posting because I haven't Med in a while and I'm starting to suffer from it. It's a drag. I want to get married and have real sex, but I think I'm far away from getting married.

    Rewiring

    I know I said I should try to do a rewiring activity before posting here again, but I haven't. Anyway here's another list of things I think might help me rewire:
    • Playing chess or other games that require a lot of foresight and planning
    • Practicing and learning piano or other complex musical instrument
    • Knitting or crocheting or maybe even sewing
    • Preparing complex meals
    • Anything that's hard mentally that doesn't have an immediate payoff
    I really don't want to do any of these activities (except maybe chess). I wonder if that's my addiction talking, or if it's just my unwired brain knowing how much work it's going to be and choosing to avoid it, or if it's just normal and I lack willpower due to addiction. Well I guess those last two might be the same.

    Edit: I Med for a few seconds after watching that sexy video over and over again for a couple days. I guess it's obvious that that's cause and effect now that I write it out like this. I only Med for a few seconds so I'm not resetting my counter yet. I closed the window with the video. Knowing me I'll probably M more after anyway.

    Edit again: I made it a few hours without Ming, which is better than what I used to be like. Maybe I was thinking that God would be watching. Ah, the life of a religious porn addict.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2021
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  20. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Heya! I'd go for this one, honestly. Learning to cook better has been a slow thing for me, but I find it rather rewarding.

    Benefits are: you have to eat anyways, you get a quick feedback loop where you learn rather quickly, and in the end its a social skill of sorts too. Also it's healthier than prepped food. (Unless you get it way wrong :D)
     
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