I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I am still sober but I listened to a share at an SAA meeting that turned me on a bit. I was going to act out. It took a few minutes but I got the idea to post here instead. This seems to have helped get me past that temptation. And I don't want to disappoint you guys reading and liking my journal.

    Edit: I watched two sex comedies, and they both had almost nudity in them plus lots of sexual content of course. Now I want to do something sexual, but not masturbate, exactly. I know it seems crazy for someone trying to quit M to watch sex comedies, but I am hoping they will help me more knowledgeable or insightful on sex and then think about sex less in the long run. So far they haven't led me to acting out.
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2021
    Babylonier likes this.
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No F, M, or O since last. I think I've been doing well at NoA. Maybe I shouldn't be watching this one show on Netflix that I find a little arousing, but I'm so bored. I've been going to S*AA meetings a lot lately, maybe that's what's helping the most. I still think I should improve my life (and my apartment) a lot so I can finding easier not to M. I also prayed to God for sex. Well, it was more complicated than that, but basically I want to know what to do for sex. I'm thinking of putting out personal ad for myself and then trying to have outercourse with a willing female since I don't think I'm ready for marriage yet. Thanks for your support guys.
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2021
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I'm tempted to FM at the moment. I don't know why, I guess I experienced some slight stress and my dysfunctional stress circuits made me want to FM. It may also be due to the sex comedy I watched Friday, or just me wanting to have sex.

    I've prayed to God about getting to have sex, but I think I need to pray for that every day. There, I prayed and I don't want to FM anymore.
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I'm still doing well at no FM or P. But just now I looked up sexy music videos and that breaks the NoA rule into small pieces. I didn't look at any but I think I might be aroused for a while. Unsure what I should do...

    I mean, looking up sexy music videos is bad, but things don't trigger me like they used to. I can view very sexy music videos and not get into it and not get aroused. Maybe it's my medication that makes this lack of sexuality happen, or maybe it's a flatline. Either way it's pretty helpful, though I do hope I recover one day.

    I think I need to follow Jordan Peterson's advice and "clean my room" and make my apartment wonderful to be in so I can always find something to do other than masturbation. I've come a long way with that by getting a TV, a desktop computer, and a piano. But I still need to repair my bicycle and get a futon for watching my TV from. Also helpful would be tastier food, so maybe if I learned how to cook more and I had the spare energy to do so...

    Thanks for your support guys, it helps keep me keep on.

    Edit the next day: I Jordan Petersoned my apartment a bit. I took a rabbit cage to a thrift store and donated it. That thing has been in my apartment since I moved in about 4 years go. It's about time I got rid of it. Yeah, I have a hard time getting rid of things.

    The same edit: I have noticed that I'm not doing things often enough, so last night I decided I should do something today. So I went to the thrift store just after I woke up (I combed my hair first but that's about it). It takes a lot out of me to go out, but it'll be worth it to get an aesthetically pleasing, highly functional Rat Park apartment. Plus it's starting to bore me and feel small, so I can make it feel bigger by getting rid of stuff and having hobbies.

    Still the same edit: No temptations to FM or look up P recently.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2021
    Doper likes this.
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P, F or M since last and I've been doing okay at NoA. I have 11 days no FMO, which is a good start. I still think I need a lot, and I mean a lot of changes to my life to keep from FMOing. I went to SAA and SLAA meetings today. I'm starting to feel like I belong in SLAA, which is humbling but heartening at the same time. I think they might be helping. I feel better, and it might be the reason I'm able to refrain from FM so easily.

    Here are some things I think I can do to help improve my life.
    • Get on better terms with neighbours so I can knock on their door and talk to them sometimes (I've made some progress on this, I'm on good terms with at least two neighbours)
    • Get IRL friends so I can get out of the house and talk with them, have a Bible study with them, swim in their pool or play pool with them, or other activity (I'd like to go to church first thing)
    • Learn to cook better and easier things
    • Get rid of all useless computer parts
    • Go visit my brothers once the pandemic is over and maybe my parents
    Today one of my computer harddrives failed. This may rock my boat a bit because I don't like disruptions to my routine. I have a backup and I took steps to get the computer running normally again.
     
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I woke up early today, and my resistance to porn is low. I looked up girls in bikinis twice, which made me want to M. One even linked to a porn site (I didn't click on it). I'm still feeling crappy from my harddrive failing, and from other stuff that I'm not sure what it is yet.

    Edit: I slept more and I don't feel tempted now, and I feel better.

    Edit again: I dreamt I looked up porn. I think I saw some vague nudity that I forget now. I am not sure when I realised it was only a dream and I hadn't ruined a significant amount of my recovery, but I might have still been asleep.

    Edit later: The treat I use to reward myself for no FM? It was on sale at the grocery store, although I was already going to buy three packs. Also, going to the grocery store is a lot easier than it used to be since I'm not guilty and anxious from PMO approximately half the time.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2021
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I haven't acted out with F, M, or P lately, but I've been tempted off and on for the past few hours. The temptation is to look up underage girls in bikinis, and I'm in my 40s so that's not appropriate. So, confessing it here might help.

    In the mean time I still think SAA and SLAA meetings are helping me stay away from F and M.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P, F, M or O since last. I had a vivid dream I was looking up porn, interrupted with all kinds of other dreams. I dreamt I was looking at it with other people who were my friends because they were fellow users of the same porn site. I don't remember any of the porn, but I remember one of the other porn users spent a lot of time adjusting technical settings on the TV we were watching it on. Maybe my subconscious was in a fight about whether or not to show me porn. Anyway I'm not triggered by the dream, just a little antsy.
     
    -Luke- and Babylonier like this.
  9. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    you got this @nuclpow!! Maybe your subconscious is telling you it isn’t the P you want to see but you want to be connected with other humans. So it isn’t important what the P was but it is important with who you were. I think that’s what you’re subconscious wants to tel you. Where do you want to put you’re energie in.. P or real people?! You’re dream is telling you real people..

    This is strong my man!
    Be strong and god bless!
     
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    @Babylonier, thanks for your post. That is indeed what my subconscious might be telling me. I also think it's just because I've been without porn for a long time and my brain is detoxing from the awful habit.

    Status

    No acting out since last. I thought I'd check in. I'm glad people aren't unfollowing me because I mentioned a bit about teenaged girls. I am sometimes attracted to them but I think it's wrong and a bad idea to pursue them.

    I am still attending SAA meetings and I think that's helping me go without FM. I am getting more passionate, I think, because I haven't been able to FM or O for a couple weeks. Passion is a good thing, but I'd still rather have a wife.

    Thanks for your support guys.
     
    BoughtWithBlood and Babylonier like this.
  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Good to see you are doing well in recovery, nuclpow. Keep it up!
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    A little F, no M, O, or P. I fantasised a little yesterday but not for very long. I guess I miss my fantasies... perhaps the danger of coming to love the prison is real for me.

    I browsed Imgur today which I think got me aroused a bit. I know I keep saying that. Imgur is a bad habit but I'm bored a lot because I don't volunteer or have a job. It's not even always the pictures that arouse me.... I'm planning on hopping into the tub instead of letting the temptation to FM grind on me, and see what happens.

    I don't really have a plan for staying clean from M over the long term, but I guess I can keep searching for one.

    Friends

    Around Sunday I e-mailed two old friends I was out of contact with and they both replied and they still want to talk to me. This should help me grow a lot and give me more to do that's comforting instead of irritating and making me want to FM.

    Okay thanks for reading guys.
     
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I Med for about 2 seconds. I put my dick and my T-shirt away, although it took me a while. I'm feeling crappy and I'm praying to God about a plan for to be able to go without sexual activity for 150 days (or however long it needs to be). I'm still tempted to M.

    Reading the SAA "Green Book" seems to be doing me good. I think I'm benefiting from these 12 step groups, and I may need to do all the 12 steps.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    23 days no M. It's a strain not to think about sex.

    I watched a movie last night with a lot of sexual stuff in it, though no nudity or implied sex. I'm glad I stopped watching it half-way through. (It was a lot of sexual stuff from my perspective, but probably not from a mainstream perspective.) I also watched some of a sex comedy called Big Mouth (I don't recommend this show for us porn addicts because there's sometimes nudity), but I think I can find something else to watch on Netflix.

    I could probably feel a lot better if I got a haircut and some nice pants, so I could feel less self-conscious and go out more. I think that's one thing I can do to make M less likely, in addition to trying to make a Rat Park out of my apartment. Another thing that's helping is me making myself read regularly. I regret it by the end of the day if I haven't read anything. It makes me feel a lot better.

    I'm also trying chess to redevelop my mind, but I am not doing well and I've lost 3 games in a row so far. Well, the important thing is not winning or losing, it's whether or not it's helping my brain to rewire. I think the longer games help because they give me time to think about my moves, which I think helps rewire. Also I have ADHD which makes it hard to focus, but I think I can find a way to do the best I can with that, too.
     
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  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Posting to help keep me on track for no FM or P. I'm 26 days abstained from FM. I'm tempted a little, today, though, I had a big day (relatively speaking). Stress, or activity, makes me want to FM a bit. I guess I should try something to take my mind off it.

    I think I'm making progress on the 12 step stuff.
     
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  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Hi, guys. Posting to help me quit internet porn.

    I'm watching A story of porn addiction and recovery (Noah B.E. Church at The Mystery Box Show). It's a very good story, and exactly what it says in the title. It helps give me hope that I'm on the right track and I can get my full brain and erections back in the future, too.

    I'm still practicing 12 step stuff. I should get a recovery partner or a sponsor or both, too, because I have questions about the twelve steps and stuff.

    It's been 30 days since my last FM and I feel a little strained from not masturbating. I need additional things to make me happy and distracted to keep from M, I think. Although I've already done work in creating the following things:

    • Going out into the back yard
    • Listening to music
    • Watching movies
    • Watching TV
    • Practicing piano
    • Eating tasty food
    • Eating delicious treats or desserts
    • Getting a good night's sleep
    • Playing online games with my family
    • Playing video games (I don't do this much)
    • Playing computer games (I don't do this as much as I could/should)
    Here are some additional things that might help:
    • Going swimming
    • Going for walks
    • Going for bicycle rides
    • Going for mass transit rides just for fun
    • Hosting or visiting dinner parties
    • Just visiting or being visited by family and friends
    Thanks for reading and supporting me.

    Edit: I need to mention that my urge to sexualise compulsively people I see on the sidewalk is increasing. It's been bad since I discovered it over 20 years ago, but now I find myself checking out anyone moving on the sidewalk and seeing if they're a female with skin showing or clothing showing their shape. Disgusting habit.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2021
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    35 days no P or M. I did some fantasising today, and I've had a strong urge to M. I almost did but I realised the fantasies would help keep me addicted, and I wasn't read for a 1:30 minute FMO with minimal fantasy. At least I think I'm not ready. Also yesterday I looked up a picture of an attractive celebrity showing half-covered boobs. It didn't seem that bad an idea at the time, but now it's becoming a drag.

    Anyway I've still been going to SAA meetings and doing alternate activities like TV, movies, talking on the internet, reading, practicing piano, and listening to music.

    Edit: I was going to FM but I watched a half hour TV show instead. It's a start.
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2021
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Rewiring

    I wanted to mention something about my attempts to rewire. One day, a couple weeks ago, I listened to classical music for hours, almost all day. It was pleasant for a lot of it, but in the end I think it hurt my head, strained my brain. Maybe what I was doing wasn't really rewiring, although I think it would have been healthier in smaller measures. I still think abstaining from the internet (I haven't done this for a while), reading, practicing musical instruments, playing chess and listening to classical might help with rewiring, or if not, at least make me smarter. I guess for the next period I just have to keep trying.

    Thanks for all the likes @BoughtWithBlood.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    You’re welcome :D

    And yes, too much of anything usually isn’t good for us :D
     
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Posting because I feel like I should talk about a couple things. I'm 36 days clean of sexual activity except for fantasising and ogling people (both on screens and outside). Over the past 4 days or so I've felt a stronger urge than usual to MO. I'm wondering if I just should because once in a while is okay, even during a reboot I think. I think I can still reboot with an MO every month and a half or so, and maybe it even helps. For some reason I have been strict with myself and not let myself MO. I wanted to say this.

    One very large change that's happened since I first started trying to quit compulsive sexual behavior is that if I see something sexy, I'm not instantly turned on and wanting to masturbate. I can look at a lot of sexy pictures (not advised, still) and not get too aroused and want to MO. I can watch whole sexy music videos and not get turned on. I can see nudity in movies (unintentionally) and not want to MO. It's a very big change. I still compulsively ogle people if I see that they're showing some skin, though (women anyway).

    Rewiring

    I think a couple people have wondered if I'm already rewired, with my large streak of no porn. I wonder too. But I doubt it, I don't really have the impulse control that I used to, or the foresight and planning. (I'm still really bad a chess for someone of my intelligence and experience with the game.) I think it may be more difficult for me to rewire due to:
    • Long period addicted to internet porn (up to 21 years)
    • Autism seems to make addictions easier to get into and harder to get out of (like was said to an early user of YBR who left whose name I forget)
    • ADHD and autism make it harder to focus and use your executive area of your brain, so maybe I have to take them into account somehow when I reboot
    • I was depressed for a long time, and that makes it harder to enjoy ordinary things and to experience pleasure
    • I'm addicted to the internet mostly, and I may have to give up all forms of technological stimulation throughout most of a day (leaving about an hour's worth)
    I don't experience pleasure very much, like from ice cream or a sunny but pleasant day. I hope this is from my addiction and can be healed. I get satisfaction from movies and music and TV shows though.

    Okay, good post, I'm glad I came here.

    Thanks for your comment, @BoughtWithBlood .

    To-do

    I haven't done one of these for a while. I need to read before I go on my computer, and ideally whatever else I can do, like chores.
     
    Shady likes this.

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