I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual acting out since last post. I've been doing pretty good at staying away from nudity on the internet/TV recently.

    Edit: I just FMOed. I think it might have been a Good MO because I hardly got into the sexual fantasies (relatively speaking) and because I was only at it for about 2 minutes. It's been about 1 1/2 months since my last MO, so this might be fine. I don't think it's setting back my rebooting to MO every 1.5 months, but I'm not sure. I ejaculated before I even got as hard as I can get, it was strange. The sensations were almost electric with a limp dick at first.

    Internet addiction

    I haven't been trying to quit internet addiction recently. Today I put off going on the internet for about half an hour. It's not much, but it's a start.

    I haven't been feeling good, off and on, over the past 2 weeks, and I'm not sure why.

    I still have ED and it's been years since I've gotten an erection without porn or sexual fantasy. I feel a lot better since I don't have the stress, guilt and low testosterone of regular PMO/FMO, but I'm not 100% yet. One time, months or a year after I found and got started on YBOP, I fantasised about an ex-girlfriend and got rock hard erections, but that doesn't happen anymore. Am I just older? Am I more thoroughly addicted than I used to be? I think quitting internet addiction has something to do with curing YBOP, but I feel like there's more, and I don't know what.

    To-do

    Still think I should reward myself with pop and chips for going without PMO.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2021
  2. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    Even if a person is completely rebooted, if they are not actively MO'ing, or around attractive women a lot, then that person will be in a general flatline, and the first number of times you try to get hard, it won't be very hard.... that's my experience. I may be wrong, but I think you may very well be completely rebooted or close to it, given the numbers in your signature. If a person has made a habit of flushing any sexual thought from their minds for a long period, it isn't hard to imagine they can't get a raging hard-on the first moment they switch away from that mode of thinking.
     
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  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I think rewiring should have happened by now or at least some signs of it. But no, I think I haven't rewired yet.

    Here are some positive effects I have had for quitting internet porn and FMO:
    • A lot, lot less guilt and shame
    • Less socially self-conscious and socially anxious
    • Improved everyday life
    • Improved skin quality and less B.O.
    • Much clearer head
    • Relief from not doing things that go against my values
    Here's what I am expecting from rewiring but haven't got yet:
    • Excellent impulse control
    • Ability to be focused for a long time
    • Long-term planning
    • Good planning or puzzle solving in daily situations or at least in puzzle games or strategy games
    • Return of erections on even mild fantasising or seeing something sexy
    • Partial return of sex drive
    • Excellent willpower (edit: and very good self-control)
    I've never been good at long-term or strategic planning, maybe I need to get that way in order to rewire because that's what rewiring is. I don't know how to put it it at the moment (which is example of my inability to think things out sometimes).

    Now, I don't know why I haven't rewired yet but I have some ideas:
    • I did a lot of FMO after I quit porn, so my streak is not as long as it looks
    • The psychiatric medication I'm on has sexual side effects, it's lowering my sex drive, and I might need to have that sex drive but need to control it in order to rewire
    • I am on the internet most of my waking hours and maybe that's activating the same neuron pathways as PMO
    • I've tried rebooting helpers like exercise, brain training games, and now music, but I never stick with them long enough to really be disciplined about it or to form a new habit
    • My disability of autism might make this 10 times more difficult, I don't know how to explain it, but I suspect it's like this after 40 years of living with autism
    • I was never really able to live a day-to-day life even before I quit porn, so maybe my brain's never been disciplined before (or it broke from over-discipline), which I need to reboot
    • Never had sexual activity, slight or very intimate, with another person to help with rewiring (and I don't think that I'm ready for it yet)
    • I'm still looking with quite a lot of sexual desire at women on TV or movies sometimes, maybe that's activating thee PMO pathways too
    But I think that @Doper's comment might be right, trying to turn off my sex drive might be giving me pseudo-ED and non-sexuality.

    I thought I made a list of things I need to do to rewire, but I've lost it. Here's a new one:
    • Practice a long list of things before I go on the internet (piano, knitting, exercise, brain training, chores, go outdoors, read, listen to music, try to do school or employment)
    • Make a to-do list before I go on the internet and get off when it's done (I've been wanting to do this for years now but have never done it)
    • Spend only a limited number of hours on the internet per day
    • Stop being so sexually high-strung and thinking about sex (attend more SAA meetings)
    • Maybe in the future some light making out (kissing and maybe French kissing) with a woman
    • Better relationships with neighbours and strangers and family
    I got a used piano today as a gift from a family member. It's great. I practiced on it 3 times today. Maybe my interest in it will last and help with rewiring. I still think I should get a guitar too.

    Thanks for your comment, Doper.

    Edit: I tried mild fantasising to see if I would get a hard on. I didn't, but I went too extreme and did an FMO. I only got hard by the end of it. The opposite of what I wanted to happen happened. I wanted a hard erection for a mild amount of fantasising, but I got a soft erection for an extreme amount of fantasising.
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2021 at 9:21 PM
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  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    One more FMO since last, so two FMOs an one "good MO" recently. I think these last two FMOs were partially "chaser effect" MOs, even though it was a while since the "good MO". I also think running out of one my medications helped me FMO. Both my medications seem to reduce my sex drive. I'm not happy about this last FMO, I think 9 MOs in my signature looks bad and having to reset my MO counter wasn't good either. I also think stress set off my acting out, so:
    • I would like functional stress circuits again, as a benefit of rewiring, so I don't want to FMO when I get saturated with stress
    To-do

    I still think I should reward myself next grocery shopping trip for going without porn and mostly going without FMO.

    Edit: I've been having poor sleep and mood swings recently, so I think my bipolar disorder is acting up. It also gives me hypersexuality, which probably explains all the FMO recently. Now I feel less embarrassed about it.
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2021 at 8:49 PM
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Eh, today I FMOed again. I also looked at sexy pictures of a young woman celebrity (way too young, young enough to be my daughter if I had her at a normal age). It started innocently, I was just following a news story of a celebrity I liked, and then they covered this other celebrity and showed the sexy pictures. I went and looked them up, which only seemed like it may be a bad idea but now seems to me certainly to be one. I guess I shouldn't be looking at sexy pictures of anyone, either from a porn-quitting or a Christian point of view. I used to not view pictures like that while I was rebooting, but I think I've let that caution go, and I've been browsing sexy pictures or videos freely, which I shouldn't have been.

    I think all the FMOing recently is because of bipolar and running out of a medication that reduces my sex drive. I don't know when I'll get back on track, or if I will.

    I have one more thing to say. Does anyone else feel like they are, in habit or intention, always, constantly sexually turned on and trying to grasp at and gulp any sexual thing in the world or in society, like a drunk who needs the 10 000th drink as if the previous 9 999 didn't fill him up at all? I think I feel like that. Maybe I should tell my SAA friends this.
     
  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    When I'm not relapsing I have moments of this, like I'm constantly erect even (not actually but a fair amount of my downtime), which is ironic cos when I'm not trying to reboot lately it's difficult to maintain an erection when I need one (which is motivating me to try rebooting more seriously). The unfocussed horniness isn't constant for me though, it comes and goes.

    As for your alcoholic analogy, I absolutely relate to that. It's also why I'm trying to get out of this cycle, I don't want to live/be like that.

    Yes, it may be a good idea to open up with SAA, if you feel like it is a truly supportive group of friends, I don't think it can hurt.
     
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  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks @Rudolf Geyse. I don't constantly feel like I described. I think the SAA folks are more likely to have what I said in common with me.

    Status

    I haven't been doing well. I did some more M since last and maybe an FMO (I'm losing track). I was also tempted to download a program and look up underground porn. Fortunately I just stayed in bed and I still have that program's website on my block list.

    It's mostly my bipolar acting up. It gives me something called hypomania, which gives me hypersexuality (and other symptoms), which is defined as something like wanting to have sex 5-6 times per day. But I've had hypomania before and I haven't had this degree of hypersexuality (edit: not recently). Oh well, I guess mental illnesses don't have to be predictable.

    My plan is to keep trying to refrain from FMO and stay the hell away from PMO. I think I can stay away from P for now, I'm not really tempted to. I think I should try to stay calm and go easy on myself and try to M as little as possible and not get close to looking at P. (This means I can't look at sexy pictures of celebrities, either.)

    I wish I could turn all that work I put into my sexual fantasies into something constructive. Oh well, maybe in the future when I no longer have an FMO habit I'll be able to do that.

    I plan to go to an SAA meeting tonight and maybe share.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2021 at 11:31 PM
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  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I just FMOed. I felt myself doing something I thought was wrong, and that I could resist it, but I didn't. I think my willpower is weak from internet porn and FMO addiction. Maybe it's partially due to my bipolar or me not being on the anti-anxiety med anymore. It's time to share the C. S. Lewis quote on masturbation again:

    “For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back; sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides.

    “And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman.

    “For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no woman can rival.

    “Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover; no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity.

    “In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself. . . . After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.”
    I attended part of an SAA meeting today. I don't know how I'm going to stop FMOing but this passage in C. S. Lewis's The Great Divorce seems to be about masturbation to sexual fantasy:

    I saw coming towards us a Ghost who carried something on his shoulder. Like all the Ghosts, he was unsubstantial, but they differed from one another as smokes differ. Some had been whitish; this one was dark and oily. What sat on his shoulder was a little red lizard, and it was twitching its tail like a whip and whispering things in his ear. As we caught sight of him he turned his head to the reptile with a snarl of impatience. ‘Shut up, I tell you!’ he said. It wagged its tail and continued to whisper to him. He ceased snarling, and presently began to smile. Then he turned and started to limp westward, away from the mountains.

    ‘Off so soon?’ said a voice.

    The speaker was more or less human in shape but larger than a man, and so bright that I could hardly look at him. His presence smote on my eyes and on my body too (for there was heat coming from him as well as light) like the morning sun at the beginning of a tyrannous summer day.

    ‘Yes. I’m off,’ said the Ghost. ‘Thanks for all your hospitality. But it’s no good, you see. I told this little chap’ (here he indicated the lizard) ‘that he’d have to be quiet if he came—which he insisted on doing. Of course his stuff won’t do here: I realise that. But he won’t stop. I shall just have to go home.’

    ‘Would you like me to make him quiet?’ said the flaming Spirit—an angel, as I now understood.

    ‘Of course I would,’ said the Ghost.

    ‘Then I will kill him,’ said the Angel, taking a step forward.

    ‘Oh—ah—look out! You’re burning me. Keep away,’ said the Ghost, retreating.

    ‘Don’t you want him killed?’

    ‘You didn’t say anything about killing him at first. I hardly meant to bother you with anything so drastic as that.’

    ‘It’s the only way,’ said the Angel, whose burning hands were now very close to the lizard. ‘Shall I kill it?’

    ‘Well, that’s a further question. I’m quite open to consider it, but it’s a new point, isn’t it? I mean, for the moment I was only thinking about silencing it because up here—well, it’s so damned embarrassing.’

    ‘May I kill it?’

    ‘Well, there’s time to discuss that later.’

    ‘There is no time. May I kill it?’

    ‘Please, I never meant to be such a nuisance. Please—really—don’t bother. Look! It’s gone to sleep of its own accord. I’m sure it’ll be all right now. Thanks ever so much.’

    ‘May I kill it?’

    ‘Honestly, I don’t think there’s the slightest necessity for that. I’m sure I shall be able to keep it in order now. I think the gradual process would be far better than killing it.’

    ‘The gradual process is of no use at all.’

    ‘Don’t you think so? Well, I’ll think over what you’ve said very carefully. I honestly will. In fact I’d let you kill it now, but as a matter of fact I’m not feeling frightfully well to-day. It would be silly to do it now. I’d need to be in good health for the operation. Some other day, perhaps.’

    ‘There is no other day. All days are present now.’

    ‘Get back! You’re burning me. How can I tell you to kill it? You’d kill me if you did.’

    ‘It is not so.’

    ‘Why, you’re hurting me now.’

    ‘I never said it wouldn’t hurt you. I said it wouldn’t kill you.’

    ‘Oh, I know. You think I’m a coward. But it isn’t that. Really it isn’t. I say! Let me run back by to-night’s bus and get an opinion from my own doctor. I’ll come again the first moment I can.’

    ‘This moment contains all moments.’

    ‘Why are you torturing me? You are jeering at me. How can I let you tear me in pieces? If you wanted to help me, why didn’t you kill the damned thing without asking me—before I knew? It would be all over by now if you had.’

    ‘I cannot kill it against your will. It is impossible. Have I your permission?’

    The Angel’s hands were almost closed on the Lizard, but not quite. Then the Lizard began chattering to the Ghost so loud that even I could hear what it was saying.

    ‘Be careful,’ it said. ‘He can do what he says. He can kill me. One fatal word from you and he will! Then you’ll be without me for ever and ever. It’s not natural. How could you live? You’d be only a sort of ghost, not a real man as you are now. He doesn’t understand. He’s only a cold, bloodless abstract thing. It may be natural for him, but it isn’t for us. Yes, yes. I know there are no real pleasures now, only dreams. But aren’t they better than nothing? And I’ll be so good. I admit I’ve sometimes gone too far in the past, but I promise I won’t do it again. I’ll give you nothing but really nice dreams—all sweet and fresh and almost innocent. You might say, quite innocent. . . .’

    ‘Have I your permission?’ said the Angel to the Ghost.

    ‘I know it will kill me.’

    ‘It won’t. But supposing it did?’

    ‘You’re right. It would be better to be dead than to live with this creature.’

    ‘Then I may?’

    ‘Damn and blast you! Go on can’t you? Get it over. Do what you like,’ bellowed the Ghost: but ended, whimpering, ‘God help me. God help me.’

    Next moment the Ghost gave a scream of agony such as I never heard on Earth. The Burning One closed his crimson grip on the reptile: twisted it, while it bit and writhed, and then flung it, broken backed, on the turf.

    ‘Ow! That’s done for me,’ gasped the Ghost, reeling backwards.

    For a moment I could make out nothing distinctly. Then I saw, between me and the nearest bush, unmistakably solid but growing every moment solider, the upper arm and the shoulder of a man. Then, brighter still and stronger, the legs and hands. The neck and golden head materialised while I watched, and if my attention had not wavered I should have seen the actual completing of a man—an immense man, naked, not much smaller than the Angel. What distracted me was the fact that at the same moment something seemed to be happening to the Lizard. At first I thought the operation had failed. So far from dying, the creature was still struggling and even growing bigger as it struggled. And as it grew it changed. Its hinder parts grew rounder. The tail, still flickering, became a tail of hair that flickered between huge and glossy buttocks. Suddenly I started back, rubbing my eyes. What stood before me was the greatest stallion I have ever seen, silvery white but with mane and tail of gold. It was smooth and shining, rippled with swells of flesh and muscle, whinneying and stamping with its hoofs. At each stamp the land shook and the trees dindled.

    The new-made man turned and clapped the new horse’s neck. It nosed his bright body. Horse and master breathed each into the other’s nostrils. The man turned from it, flung himself at the feet of the Burning One, and embraced them. When he rose I thought his face shone with tears, but it may have been only the liquid love and brightness (one cannot distinguish them in that country) which flowed from him. I had not long to think about it. In joyous haste the young man leaped upon the horse’s back. Turning in his seat he waved a farewell, then nudged the stallion with his heels. They were off before I well knew what was happening. There was riding if you like! I came out as quickly as I could from among the bushes to follow them with my eyes; but already they were only like a shooting star far off on the green plain, and soon among the foothills of the mountains. Then, still like a star, I saw them winding up, scaling what seemed impossible steeps, and quicker every moment, till near the dim brow of the landscape, so high that I must strain my neck to see them, they vanished, bright themselves, into the rose-brightness of that everlasting morning.​

    I think I need my red sexual fantasies/perversion lizard killed. Maybe I'll ask some Christians to pray for me.
     

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