I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Tell me about it. I have blocking on both my computers and some that works on my smartphone, but how do I block sexual fantasies? Also, I'm pretty darn lonely, which doesn't help temptations to have a fantasy. (Maybe I should think about getting a sex partner again.)

    Status

    I have been able to refrain from F and M for almost 3 days now, and I feel better, and I feel like I might be starting to get back on track.

    I heard from another source that my dopamine would go back to normal after 90 or 120 days or so. It might take longer for me because I was extremely addicted to porn and fantasy. Either way I don't think I can go 120 days without FMO. I think an emergency release every 1 1/2 months would be okay, if I keep the F or nude imagery to a slim minimum, but I don't think I can manage that.

    The only thing I can think of is to continue to improve my apartment so it's ideal for me and the rest of my life too, so I don't want to masturbate. I think I will need to make a large lifestyle change (I've already changed it somewhat already) before I can even consider trying to go 90 days no FMO. Fortunately that's what I've been trying to do lately, to a lot of success. (Slow, but helpful changes have been made.)

    I plan to keep thinking about this. Rewarding myself with snack food for no MO might help too. The ice cream I got from the grocery store last time didn't really help as a reward, but maybe if I get a bunch of stuff on my next grocery trip it will help.
     
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I've been doing well! No acting out for 3 days. I am very proud of myself for getting back on the wagon as far as FMO. I got out today for about 45 minutes and I didn't fear the other people, so my FMO cowardice went away.

    I'm going to make a list of things to do instead of FMO:
    • Watching TV (streaming or live)
    • Watch movies
    • Practice piano
    • Practice guitar (*must get a guitar)
    • Program
    • Chores, cleaning, mostly
    • Food preparation, sometimes just for fun, sometimes dessert
    • Eating
    • Play computer games
    • Go hang out outside
    • Go for a walk some place, or just walk
    • Ride my bicycle (*must fix bicycle)
    • Go for a ride on the bus for an hour, see around the city
    • Visit family, or right now Zoom call with them
    • Gaming with family
    • Gaming with friends (I have a couple online friends, maybe we could play online games sometime)
    • Sleep
    • Exercise
    • Shop for any of a variety of things, books, music, comic books, clothes, computer parts, things for my home
    • Go to museums, art galleries, science centres, concert halls
    • Go to the library
    • Go to board game cafes
    • Read books and comic books
    • Go to computer group meetings
    • Attend SAA meetings, either video, text, or face to face
    • Compose music
    • Write a story
    • Write documentation
    • Talk to people on the internet, whether seriously or not
    • Watch/read the news, try to participate in society and help out
    • Explore computer software so as to help others later
    • Explore other computer technologies too
    • Volunteer
    • Try to run a small business
    • Do my taxes
    • Learn things to do with formal education
    • Polish cover letters and resume
    Whoa, that list is a lot longer than I expected, but that's a good thing. I have plenty to do, it's just difficult for me to get out or to do the more boring, tedious stuff. Ideally I would print this list out, put it beside my bed, and circle in red the easy ones to do. Actually the list might too long and might explain part of why I am stressed. I have to come back to this and organise it.

    I think I have replaced viewing porn with listening to music. I listen to a lot of beautiful music.
     
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I did a little M yesterday, so I'm resetting my counter. It's a bummer because it was at 5 days. I should also change my signature. I'm too tired to work on my to-do list, but hopefully it will help to have it kicking around in the back of my mind.
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I did okay the last day or two.

    Let me try to organise the list of things to do I posted recently.

    Alternate activities

    Home:
    • Chores (cleaning)
    • Food preparation
    • Eating
    • Baking
    Entertainment:
    • Reading
    • Playing computer or console video games
    • Watching movies
    • Watching TV
    • Reading webcomics
    • Reading comic books
    • Gaming with friends
    • Gaming with family
    Music related:
    • Practice piano
    • Practice guitar
    • Compose music
    Employment:
    • Volunteering
    • Working on cover letters and resumes
    • Learning or practicing programming
    • Doing my taxes
    • Working
    • Practice cloud computing and home computing
    Healthy:
    • Stimming
    • Exercising
    • Meditating
    • Going outside
    • Walking outside or visiting parks
    • Visiting family
    • Visiting libraries
    • Visiting art galleries, museums, science centres, concert halls
    • Swimming
    • Bicycling
    • Go to board game cafes
    • Take a ride on the bus just for fun
    • Attend computer group meeting
    • Attend SAA meetings, online, video, or face to face
     
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  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the likes @Babylonier.

    Status

    I haven't acted out, but I feel pretty sexually alert and I don't want to act out. I'm not sure why I feel this way. I watched a few music videos with people being sexy, but that doesn't usually affect me (anymore). Maybe I should go read something. Maybe that'll take my mind off intimacy and sex. I may as well read 12 Rules for Life.

    Edit: Reading seems to have helped, I didn't act out last night. End of edit.

    Also, I heard Gary Wilson died. RIP Gary Wilson, the athiest who helped me get over the greatest thing that was making me miserable in Christianity. Thanks a tonne, I owe you.
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2021
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  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Still no acting out. I've been a little bit better practicing NoA when watching videos. Instead I was seeing the women's shape and I was thinking how incredibly special it is. That's much improved over drooling and lusting over them!

    Another thing I'm thinking about is that in order to recover from internet porn and PIED I might have to do sexual activity with a woman. I guess most women will do as long as they're single and not too young or too old. I keep thinking of some women I've previously been close to. I don't know whom to pick or how to go about deciding. I also don't know how I'll square it with the people at church or the other Christians I talk to, or with myself and God for that matter. I might only need masturbating together or mutual masturbation to rewire. Well, that's my thoughts on that for now.

    Edit: I played with myself slightly when thinking about who I was going to have sexual activity with and what we would do. It was just a few seconds so I'm not resetting my counter. Anyway maybe just some touching of the sides and open-mouthed kissing might be enough to rewire me. I should pray about it. End of edit.

    I still have to get myself some reward food for going no FMO. I've been doing pretty good at that lately.
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2021
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  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I went out today, and it was warm weather. I am still compulsively checking out women, which means I'm not practicing NoA well.

    I'm still thinking about someone to play sexually with to help me rewire, and plus I'm very lonely. I guess I should work on practicing NoA for now.

    I finally got my treats to reward myself for no FMO.
     
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  8. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Hi nucl,

    i think you are doing great! Rewiring with an other person comes when you are ready. When you learned to not to listen to you’re learned impulses habits. When you are 100 % you're self! P and intimicie is not you. Not all of you! It is a part of you that is not healthy. Do things you love. Think about what you loved to do when you where 8 years old when you where 10 and 12 years old before you knew what P was. Check out if these things maybe you still love them. But now you stil love P and intimicie more. And that’s normal. You can put you’re energy in spearmint new stuff of get back an old passion.
    Stay strong my man! God bless!
     
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  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your post @Babylonier

    Status

    No M to report but I did a lot of sexual fantasising earlier today. I was tempted a lot to masturbate this evening, maybe because of that. I also want to mention that sometimes I am tempted to go and register and pay for porn sites I've gone to in the past. These seem to be my last temptations to consume pornography.

    Sexual anorexia

    I think I mentioned in another post how I was afraid of getting a girlfriend and having real sex. Well, I am right now, but if it were actually happening that we were going to have sex I'd probably wouldn't be scared. I don't know the reason for this anxiety and hesitancy. Maybe just because it's been a long time, or that I haven't got that much sexual experience, or that none of my relationships were a good idea and didn't work out.

    I'm going to the one sex-related 12 step group, SAA, but there are others, even SLAA. SLAA has literature on something called sexual, emotional, or social anorexia. This type of anorexia is where you are afraid of or you avoid sex, or socialising, or emotional intimacy. I'm not sure it's a thing exactly like they say it, but, roughly speaking, I think I may have this sexual anorexia. I think I'm afraid of having sex unless I'm married to the person, which would be a good idea anyway.

    Here are two URLs from SLAA on sexual anorexia:
    https://slaafws.org/files/What_Is_Anorexia_In_S.L.A.A.pdf
    https://slaafws.org/download/CACAmIAnorexic_ 50Questions.pdf

    I am similar, but not exactly what they describe. So, I plan to keep going to SLAA and see if I can get healthier from my fears and anxieties to do with personal closeness and sexual intimacy.

    Treats

    It might sound boring, but getting myself those tasty treats as a reward for behaving well seems to help!
     
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  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I FMOed last night. It was disappointing, it was like I didn't try to stay sober. I'm not sure what triggered me, but I did talk to a woman at an SAA meeting, although we didn't get explicit. (Edit: I have been watching some music videos with an attractive young woman (young enough to be my daughter) and I think I've been triggered by her videos before, so that might be it. I guess I'll have to stop watching to listening to music videos by her.) I think I'm frustrated with going without M and making no progress. I think I'm getting mad. I have to go about 150 days with only occasional M and I don't think that I can do it, even if the reward is to get my moderate dopamine and erections back. It's something for me to think about.

    I reset my counters.

    Edit: I did some more FM, no O, and reset my counters again. It probably wouldn't be so hard to quit if I hadn't read so much textual pornography. I seem to like all the really deviant ideas it had, much more so than regular porn (regular porn has to be legal). Maybe it'll take some time to get over, or maybe I should confess what I read to someone, maybe thatt'll help.
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2021
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  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I talked to the neighbour I find very attractive outside last night, and when I came in I did a lot of M. I don't think it's a coincidence. I've reset my counters. I'm not sure how to prevent this from happening again. Maybe I should keep talks with her short and sweet in the future. I'm not doing too well in keeping from M. I don't know to solve that problem, either, except not to think of sex and to practice NoA, but my willpower is very drained.

    Edit: Some more FM this afternoon. My fantasies seem innocent and problem-free to me, but I know they're not and they're wrong, and at the very least it would be preferable to have a real sexual relationship with a woman. I'm going to go read that quote by C. S. Lewis again.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2021
  12. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Come on bro! You can do this! Try to get you’re kind of of things. Do some housekeeping, laundry just anything to get you’re mind of M. Maybe you are to focused on women, M, P maybe?
    Be strong brother!
     
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  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Good advice, I am probably thinking of F, M, P and women way too much. I guess I need to get out of my head for a few days.

    Edit: I think I am sex obsessed. Even if I had a wife who really liked sex I think I'd want to do sexual activity more than she wanted to, or even more than we had time for. I think I'm sex obsessed as an upper for a low mood or as an anti-depressant, like a drug. I guess I have to find an alternative.
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2021
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  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Today I remembered I was trying to let go of sexual obsession and I turned down the urge to FM several times. Later I read a book for about 20 minutes. It's a good start. Reminding myself that sexual obsession is like a drug for me seems to help.

    Edit: I am now two days clean and I feel great. I sinned by fantasising a little and by looking up pictures of famous women, but mostly I've been good, reminding myself that thinking about sex leads to FM.

    Edit again: I looked up pictures of girls in bikinis and I almost ruined my no-M streak. Instead I prayed about sex and stopped myself, for now. I closed the women in bikini windows. I prayed about sex, I think it's been a calamity that I haven't had sex except for oral sex and that I haven't had a wife-like person in my life. I had a lot of passion and creativity to give, I could have given me and my wife an excellent sex life.
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2021
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  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I didn't or couldn't resist FM today, so I reset my counters. I have little or no idea how I'm going to refrain from M for 150 days (even if I do it every 1 1/2 months). I think I should relax from trying so hard to quit M and recharge my batteries a bit.

    I successfully read a little bit of 12 Rules for Life instead of M today. Maybe I should have read more.
     
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Today I practiced programming, practiced piano, read some of 12 Rules for Life, and cooked. Those are good healthy activities for me. I also wish I had gone outside. If I can fill up my schedule more and make my life more enjoyable and comfortable I might be able to avoid FM. One day at a time I guess for now.

    Speaking of AA slogans I'm still going to SAA and SLAA and I'm still praying. They all seem to be helping.
     
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  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Well, today I violated the NoA rule by looking up sexy pictures of celebrities and women on the internet. That would explain why I'm mildly triggered now. But so far I haven't Med. I think also I'm tired of activities recently.

    I guess it's tedious for me to post almost every day about how I'm abstaining from M. I'd like a clearer long term plan for quitting FM.

    Edit: I did FM. I was triggered by what I already mentioned above, but I think I still didn't need to FM. I also watched the pilot episode of I Dream of Jeannie (no URL because it might be triggering), where a man gets his own, personal, sexy, sexually willing genie. It reminds me a lot of the sexual fantasies I have, and I am thinking of watching the show to diminish my own fantasies. Only in Jeannie the fantasy has a mind of her own, and is extremely powerful. I wonder if it's healthier to think that.

    Edit again: I think that all those good activities I listed earlier can stress me and reduce my willpower (and lead to acting out), although mainly they're good for me. Maybe it will not be so draining on me as I recover.
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2021
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I'm not doing well recently. I looked up content on the WWW violating the NoA rule several times and Med a lot later yesterday. I FMed a bit this afternoon, too.

    I still think I Dream of Jeannie is good for me and some nudity-free sex comedies on my streaming services might be too. Overall I feel okay despite all the FM.

    Edit: I FMOed. I think it was because I talked for about an hour with this neighbour I find really attractive. But maybe also because I'm just horny and I don't know why, and because I looked up women in bathing suits on the WWW, and maybe because of 1-2 of the sex comedies, or maybe even I Dream of Jeannie. I still want to continue the experiment of watching those shows and see if they help me think of sex less or redirect my desire to something more constructive.

    Edit again: I looked up girls in bikinis again, in a third Web browser I had installed. The search results wouldn't show up in the other two browsers so I was feeling safe to do it. What a crazy idea. Anyway, I removed that third Web browser because I was doing that on it and because it had no protective extensions installed.
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2021
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I've been clean, to my surprise. I Med for about 5 seconds but decided not to count it. I've turned down the idea to M several times, and it wasn't that easy, but now that it's in the past it feels like it was easy to keep clean. It's contradictory but that's how I feel.

    It was crazy for me to look up bikini pictures in a browser where I didn't have protective extensions. I normally get turned on by cleavage, not bikini stuff, but I was getting very close to acting out. Now, I might have learned that I can go and act out in different browser versions that have less protections, something I wasn't tempted with previously. Maybe my no porn streak is in danger.
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2021
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  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Five days no FM! Except for several seconds. Hooray! Temptation is low recently, I've been coasting. I have been practicing piano and reading some days. Hopefully that's the start of some good habits. I think I still need to do a lot to quit FM, but I've already made lists of that.

    In the mean time I'm going to keep trying to improve my life, and keep praying and attending SAA meetings.
     
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