I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn or acting out. I am thinking that occasionally looking at attractive women on the internet might do me a little good, if I'm careful about not being triggered.

    Internet addiction

    Today I put off going on the internet for about 1 hour only. I stimmed and watched educational TV and cooked and ate breakfast listened to the radio, but I began to feel bad for myself for some reason that I forget now, and decided to be good to myself by letting myself go on my notebook PC and on the internet. I've only been on the internet for about 20 minutes at this point, and I'm hoping to go off it again and spend a lot of time off of it. Maybe I can read my Bible, read another book, meditate and exercise then.

    I'm having a hard time meditating and reading my Bible and exercising and I don't know why. None of these things are particularly hard, I just don't want to do them. I can't seem to will myself to meditate for example. Oh well maybe I'll think of the reason why soon.

    Edit: I got off the internet and had a long bath and went back to bed, but I still haven't read or meditated or exercised, so I'm not sure if it's a win.

    To-do

    Grocery shopping trip where I am supposed to get my reward cake is coming up soon. More than a year without porn, I'm so happy. Also buying some pop will help keep me happy.
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2021
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I didn't take my medication and now I'm overtired and I can't sleep, and I'm tempted to FMO. I had a long day, which is helping influence me to act out, too. I'm posting here for the purposes of openness and honesty and in the hopes that I'll reject the temptation to FMO, but it doesn't look good at the moment.

    Edit: It seems to have worked, now I'm not thinking of FMOing. Good!
     
    NewStart19 likes this.
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I bought my reward cake but I haven't eaten it yet. I bought the cheaper one I guess because going 450 days without porn wasn't as hard as going 100 days without porn. A reward cake is a reward cake so I guess I shouldn't think about it too much. I also got some pop to cheer myself up and reward myself for going no MO.

    No sexual acting out since last. I am working on not looking at women lustfully.

    To-do

    Eat my cake!

    Edit: I found out it's been 530 days since I last intentionally looked at porn. Astonishing. I'm doing great!
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2021
  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    My best hacks for finding motivation to do stuff are: 1) Just start even though you don't feel like it. Often you only need to motivate yourself to start, then it becomes easy after that. 2) Break the tasks down into smaller pieces until you don't feel resistance to the next small step, for instance just get your shoes on for exercise. 3) Otherwise set yourself a limited time to rest or break, then jump in when the time is up.

    Keep up the good work
     
    -Luke- and nuclpow like this.
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your post @Rudolf Geyse.

    Status

    No sexual acting out since last. Maybe a little fantasising, which isn't good, but it didn't lead anywhere. I sometimes remember hazy images from some of my favourite porn sites and I want to MO to them, but I haven't done that for a long time.

    I have eaten half of my cake. I should keep reminding myself I did a terrific job. I quit internet porn! Rarely do people do that, and I did it finally after about 21 years. I deserve this cake! And maybe another one, or some ice cream.

    SAA

    I've been to a few online meetings and one with my sponsor. I haven't shared at these meetings recently, and I wish that I had, it really helps. I'm not sure what my next step for SAA is since my sponsor thinks I've done Step 1 and I don't.

    Rewiring

    I did a little thinking on rewiring and I think I should continue to make a "Rat Park" out of my apartment. It's hard when Covid-19 is on and I have bed bugs that might be in the stuff I want to give away. I know I keep saying this and not doing anything about it, but I could use a piano and an e-reader. I would also like it if I was on better terms with my neighbours and they were genuinely happy to see me and I could visit them or at least exchange food with them or stuff like that. I'd also like to travel and exercise more, like on a bicycle.

    I think it would help rewiring if I focused on solving problems in life and in strategy games. I tried playing chess against a computer program with its settings greatly reduced and I still lost twice in a row, but I think it helped me rewire a bit. Maybe I can tie or win a game in the future if I keep at it.

    To-do
    • Piano
    • E-reader
    • Bicycle maintenance
    • Play chess against computer and others
    • Get rid of stuff from my apartment
    • Organise my papers a bit more
     
    Gil79 and -Luke- like this.
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual acting out, not much fantasising either.

    I haven't been trying that hard recently to avoid excess internet use. I've stretched and read a little of a book, and also watched some sports on streaming television. I think watching sports might help me rewire.

    I have attended 3 SAA meetings this week and shared in one. It wasn't that great, but at least it makes me feel better.

    I've finished eating my cake. But yeah, the main thing is that I did an excellent job after 17 years of addiction to internet porn.

    To-do

    Continue try to do things off the internet. (Streaming TV seems not to hurt so much.)
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual acting out since last.

    I put off going on my notebook computer for a few hours today. I stretched, stimmed and ate breakfast, but I did not meditate, pray or read. I went on my other computer and listened to music and tried to see if sports were on (sports seem like they might help my mind). I went to YBOP (edit: YBR) and read the first post on the "No Arousal" method. It was very helpful to read this again because it reminded me that I have not been practicing NoA for a while (possibly a year or two), even though it was my plan to do so at the time. I am often thinking of sex and I often watch shows with sexiness or revealing clothing (these shows are hard to avoid if you want to watch shows for grown-ups, as I often do). I also compulsively ogle real and 2D women.

    I need a plan to enact NoA, probably for the rest of my life (unless it's with my future wife) and I don't really have any ideas. Well, I have one idea, if I created a rat park in my apartment it might be easier to control my thoughts if my house and my mind were happier. (I know I have been saying this for a couple years now, but I have taken some steps.) I'm going to think about it.

    Edit: Oh yeah, I did some programming recently. It was a lot easier than I remember. I don't think that's because I rewired, I think it's because my mind is more clear and I'm less stressed, anxious and guilty.
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2021
    Gil79 likes this.
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I went on the computer almost right away today. I felt like I didn't have the energy to do my wake-up routine. Plus I find it somewhat boring and tend to avoid it. I'm posting here to remind myself and be open about my attempts to avoid going on the internet too much.

    (No sexual acting out recently.) I have been trying to practice NoA. All this means is several times I have reminded myself not to look at women's bodies on 2D screens. I think I should be reminded every 1-2 days, "Are you practicing NoA recently?". This may help me rewire. I woke up with an erection, but they seem to be smaller than they were 5 years ago. Has anyone heard of reduced erection size due too much porn and masturbation? Maybe because I use a cloth when I masturbate.

    I programmed a little more and I learned a new strategy game. This may help me rewire, too. I haven't done any knitting recently though.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I stayed off my computers for 1-2 hours today. (Edit: I stayed off the internet for a few hours yesterday.) Here's a list of things I can do before I go on electonics:
    • Stimming
    • Preparing and eating food
    • Cooking and baking
    • Prayer
    • Meditation
    • Bible reading
    • Other reading
    • Listening to the radio (I know a radio is electronic, but it's not a screen and I don't interact much with it)
    • Bathing
    • Brushing and flossing
    • Deep breathing
    • Temple rubbing
    • Journalling
    • Knitting
    • Piano (once I buy one) and guitar (I'll have to get one of these, too)
    • Cleaning
    • Other chores
    • Go for a walk
    • Go for a bicycle ride
    • Writing and mailing letters or cards
    • Stretching
    • Exercising
    • Shopping for groceries
    • Other shopping
    • Make art
    I plan to put this list on paper (with some changes), so I can read it without going on a computer or the internet, and it can help organise my wake-up time.

    One I go on electronics but not on the internet I can:
    • Read books on an e-reader or my computer
    • Program
    • Learn educational stuff
    No sexual acting out. I've been trying to practice NoA to some success. Even the radio can make me think of sex sometimes, so maybe listening to the radio is a good way to practice NoA without risking getting majorly turned on.

    Thanks for reading.
     
    NewStart19 likes this.
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks @dark red drifter vessel and @NewStart19 for your likes.

    Status

    Today I spent a lot of time off the internet. I played some games with family over the internet today, including chess. I didn't do well at chess, even a beginner could have beaten me, but I think playing chess helps a lot with rewiring. It's better to play people than computer programs though.

    No sexual acting out except I checked out women's bodies on a movie. I went to SAA and we had a very good meeting. I need to stop obsessively checking out women and teen girls (I'm 41, that's disgusting) to practice NoA and reboot. At least I have the relief that I'm no longer looking at porn and seldom masturbating. I plan to keep working on not sexualising or objectifying women and girls and see if it helps. It's the right thing to do anyway. It also helps me appreciate the beauty of women the less I am lustfully looking or objectifying. (The Bible's clear about looking at women to lust after them, though, that it's wrong. I've always found that sentence from Jesus to be smart.)

    To-do
    • Take my giant list from my last post, organise it and tip-top it up a bit and print it out on paper and keep it near where I wake up
    • Move my computer workbench across my apartment so I'll have a place to put my piano
    • Buy myself ice cream to reward myself for going no PMO for over 400 days
    Glad I posted Thanks for your support guys.
     
    NewStart19 likes this.
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No acting out since last. I've been practicing NoA to some success, but I saw a lot of nudity in a movie that didn't list nudity as a content warning. I kept thinking it would be over, but it kept coming back. Eventually I just stopped watching the movie. I guess I can watch it again when I recover from sexual addiction. I also saw a lot of female nudity on an art site. Maybe next time I visit it I can hold my hand over the nude parts. (Edit: I also stopped watching a couple TV shows that make it more difficult for me to practice NoA.)

    I haven't been doing that well at staying off the computer, but I feel better, as if I was staying off the internet, and I don't know why. I'm not trying real hard to stay off the internet as it is, maybe I'll try again in the future.

    I posted because I wanted to update about the ice cream and because it's been a few days.

    I ate all my ice cream as a reward (the cake was also a reward) for going 450+ days no porn. It was good that I chose to reward myself with both cake and ice cream. I really deserved a big reward for quitting internet porn, possibly finally.

    To-do

    Work on employment or volunteering. Spare cash or some time used up benefitting others could help me a lot.
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2021
    Doper and NewStart19 like this.
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I watched two movies with nudity in them yesterday. One was cartoon nudity and I think the movie did me a lot of good. The other had nudity I didn't expect, but I watched it way too long and I shouldn't even had started it, because even a little was too much. So this post is sort of a confession. I am having trouble finding movies to watch with no nudity. I can't watch family movies all the time. (Edit: Because of the nudity last night I now have the impulse to masturbate. Argh, I did this to myself.)

    I researched streaming TV services that have more content with no nudity.

    I'm not really trying to delay going on my computer lately.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2021
    Shady likes this.
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I watched a movie and a TV show with some female skin (tw: cleavage) and a movie with a sex scene and distant, not detailed nudity. I thought it would be funny if I came here and announced all those details. Probably it's all triggering me, but mostly the last movie (Snowden) is. I watched it for my edification so I don't feel guilty about it, or overly triggered, but I still feel triggered and I'm wondering what I should do. Maybe I should watch a kid's cartoon TV show.

    I talked with a supporter about getting a piano.

    To-do

    See if I can donate anything from my apartment this week. Try to get less triggered.
     
    NewStart19 likes this.
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Well, it's time for another post. I think I was triggered so much by the last movie I watched because the nudity was so sexual and because of how attractive the actress was to me. It just goes to show how nudity does me a disservice because I'm never going to meet that actress and it would be creepy to ask her to marry me if I did. So it's like running into a brick wall. Anyway I guess my plan is to watch some G or PG rated movies for a while before watching the next R one. The trigger is pretty much gone at this point, half a day later.
     
    Shady likes this.
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I haven't acted out. I saw some nudity in a TV dramedy, but I think it affected me only very little.

    Edit: I've also been going to online SAA meetings.

    Counselling

    I had my final session with my counsellor today. Here are somethings he's advised me to do:
    • Go to bed at 10 or 11 PM and wake up at 7 or 8 AM
    • Go for walks a lot
    • Have a schedule (Jordan Peterson really likes this too)
    • Practice deep breathing several times a day to combat anxiety
    • Other grounding and stress-relieving techniques
    • Stay off the internet as much as I can
    • Read books
    • Love, respect and admire myself
    • Clean my apartment daily
    • Meditation and mindfulness
    • Positive self-talk
    • Exercise
    • Don't blame myself
    • Let go of the past
    • Set up boundaries, like with a disease, between me and toxic people
    • Spend time with friends and family
    • Don't watch too much TV
    It's a lot of good advice, the hard part is doing it. I'm working on it. For example I'm spending a lot more time with family virtually.

    Piano

    My brother's going to give me his old, somewhat broken piano. This will help a lot with rewiring and creative output!

    I should also do art on paper for creative output. Expressing myself artistically seems to do a lot for me

    Thanks for your support in the form of reading this journal, likes and comments.
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2021 at 5:48 PM
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I got a temptation to look up porn seemingly out of the blue. I went to chat with some peers instead. I think I'll be fine. I don't have the temptation now, and it wasn't strong.
     
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Naw, mostly Christian.
     
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    In Christianity all sexual activity is forbidden except between a husband and wife who are married to each other.

    In the Bible, in Matthew 5:28 it says not even to look at a woman lustfully. This definitely covers porn.

    I would be trying to quit porn even if I was not a Christian, I think, because it was taking up too much time, it was making me asocial and smelly, I was seeing things that I hated, and I got PIED.

    Let me know if you have more questions.
     
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual acting out. I woke up with an erection in the middle of my sleep and later had a dream with a sexual scene in it. It seems my subconscious is still attracted to the same thing as my conscious mind.

    I've been playing online games with my family twice a week. It counts as constructive activity because I have to think and focus in order to play. I am doing a lot better at those things than I used to, maybe my brain has rewired a bit. Today I was tempted several times to go on my smartphone and play this game on it that I play all the time. It was difficult to keep turning down the temptations, so I guess I'm addicted to pointlessly using my smartphone, too. I would get the temptation when I had to think hard, so I was tempted to go on the phone to avoid reality.

    Anyway games day counts as helping making my apartment into a rat park because for a few hours a week I get to spend time with family playing games.

    To-do

    I am thinking I should still reward myself for going no PMO with some sweets, chocolate or pop maybe.
     

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