I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I tried to meditate this morning but I guess I failed I just couldn't concentrate on it. But I think it still helped me put off internet addiction a little while. Maybe I will only be able to meditate every 2-3 days, but every little bit helps.

    No acting out but I did look at scantily clad women on my TV. Apparently there's apps for that. One app was $1.98 and I seriously considered getting it. It would have been the first time I paid for something pornish or sexual. I guess I'm over the temptation to buy it now, but I think I am not over the temptation to look for or install apps like that on my TV.

    I am having small temptations to masturbate. I turn them down, but I wonder if I'll be able to keep doing that at this rate. I lack a real plan and real motivation.

    I watched the first episode of Queen's Gambit and maybe I should pick up chess (and knitting) to make my mind do hard work to encourage rewiring.

    I am thinking I should buy myself pop to reward myself. I like different flavours of pop (soda).

    I'm not getting rid of stuff from my apartment because it might be infected, so there goes my plan of getting rid of stuff. I still hope to get furniture though.

    A strange post, but I though I should post an update and confess about the bikini girl apps.

    Edit: I almost masturbated but I turned it down and put away my cloth. I'm not sure what my motivation was to do that, but I guess it was partially having to reset my counter and a general feeling that FMO wasn't a constructive time.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2021
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  2. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    You're doing great Nuclpow.
     
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  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Glad there was something in there that was helpful. I prefer to "meditate on" something rather than just the breathing focus. That is, take time out, even 5 minutes, to ponder some truth and keep bringing my mind back to that. I find this does more good for me than just the breathing focus.
     
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  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your encouragement @Doper. I guess I am doing well, but I wish my brain was healed and I got erections back.

    @Rudolf Geyse, yeah, I've been trying to meditate for five minutes for the past few mornings. I think meditating on a truth rather than breath sounds like a good idea, too.

    I'm posting because I feel like I have been losing focus on quitting porn, and that I need to post to stay on point.

    Status

    Not a lot to report. I looked at some scantily clad women again, but didn't get turned on except by one picture. I think I'm doing well at not thinking about sex, but the medication I'm on is doing most of that for me. Meditating instead of going on the internet is working well, but it's just a start at this point. I'm still on the internet too much during the day. It may be that I need to exercise more and watch TV less (and the internet less) in order to rewire my brain.

    I'm behind on going to S*AA meetings, too. I haven't been for a few days.

    To-do

    Get rid of an item bed bugs probably aren't hiding in.

    Buy myself a reward cake and some pop to reward myself for going no PMO and no MO.
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No acting out. I've meditated and read the Bible for 3 of the past 4 days, mostly to do something constructive instead of going on the internet. I'm posting because I feel like I need to stay clean mentally.

    I don't get the temptation to look up porn much anymore. I feel like porn is just something I don't do anymore. When I consider looking up porn I think that it's wrong (and calamitous), and I am repulsed by the idea. I don't feel the same way about masturbation and sexual fantasy though, at least not yet.

    I still feel calm from my last FMO. I think it might have been a "good MO", except that I used too much fantasy. (One fantasy idea or imagination should be all I use for a "good MO".)

    My brain hasn't rewired yet. I'm not sure what else I need to do except 1. Refrain from FMO and 2. Don't use the internet so much. Edit: I have a feeling those 2 things aren't enough for me to rewire. Possibly I also have to engage in difficult life problems and dealing with people, and maybe strategy games like chess, and practice knitting. The whole thing may be more complicated due to my autism, so there might be something to do with autism that I have to do to rewire, too.

    I went to an SAA meeting and it helped a lot. I should go to them about 3 times per week, maybe sometimes more.

    To-do

    The donation place was closed according to the website, so I didn't drop off that item. I still think I should get pop and cake to reward myself for no PMO and no FMO.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2021
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No acting out. I looked at one very revealing picture of a woman but didn't get much out of it.

    Today I put off going on the internet for about 3 hours. I (not in order):
    • Meditated
    • Read the Bible
    • Cooked and ate breakfast
    • Stretched
    • Watched Dr. Phil
    • Took out the garbage
    • Stood outside for a little while looking at the bright sunlight and the blue sky
    • Paced (stimming) for a while
    • Read a little bit of a self-help book
    • Watched a half hour of TV on my other computer
    (That list is a lot more than I thought it would be. I guess I could have prayed, too.) I am trying to break my internet addiction in the hopes that it will make my life a lot healthier or that it will help me permanently break my porn addiction and my brain will rewire to normal, and I'll get my impulse control, long term planning, executive function, accurate thinking about right and wrong back. While refraining from the internet I felt a significant urge to go on the internet for about 1 1/2 hours. It was pretty strong. I just wanted to go on the computer and waste time on the WWW and Discord. I was surprised by how strong it was. The urge felt a little sick, too. The strength of this urge seems to depend on how excessively I used the internet yesterday.

    I think this is a first good step, but I still need a plan for getting off the internet at night, after I've used it for a while, and limiting its total use so I don't have the sick urge to go on it the next day. I did a lot of healthy stuff today instead of going online, and it's a good precedent, but it'll tire me out if I keep doing it regularly.

    Going to S*AA meetings

    I attended an SAA meeting yesterday, at least I caught the last 25 or so minutes. I went on Monday, too. I think they do me good.

    Life plan

    I can't give stuff to the thrift store because of the bed bugs in my apartment. But I should get a bed to help keep the bed bugs away from me.

    To-do

    Try to find a way to rest from all my activities that doesn't involve going on the WWW and Discord. Also eventually get my reward cake and pop.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2021
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  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No sexual acting out.

    On Friday and Saturday I didn't do much before I went on the internet. It turns out the activities I did on Thursday before I went on the internet tired me out, and on Friday and Saturday I went on the internet fairly quickly. But still I think I made progress.

    Today I meditated for 10 minutes, read about a chapter of the Bible, prayed, cooked and ate breakfast, and then went on the internet to write an e-mail letter to a family member. (I forgot to stretch/exercise.) I looked around on the internet for a few minutes and then I watched streaming TV, which I think didn't help. I felt a strong craving to go on the internet while I was postponing going on, but it wasn't as significant as on Thursday. I could feel myself resisting going on the internet and I was proud of myself for not caving. It looks like it's good progress for me to stay off the internet for a while after I get up. I should get off before I go to bed, too.

    (Streaming television is partially going on the internet and partially not. I don't know how to explain it yet.)

    I guess I have a new project to help me quit internet porn: Staying off the internet excessively.

    To-do

    Same to-do as last time.
     
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  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    It's only been one day since my last post. No sexual acting out.

    Today I was too tired to do my wake up routine. I stayed in bed for hours. But at least I didn't go on the computer.

    Edit: I woke up in the middle of my sleep with a very hard erection. I'm glad to know my body can still do that, even if I can't do it psychologically now.

    I think I'll try doing my wake up routine anyway.

    S*AA

    I attended an SAA online meeting and I got a lot of positive feedback, one guy even said I was inspirational.
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2021
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  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Today I went on the internet way too early again, but later I read from a self-help book, meditated, read the Bible and stretched. I think it's too much stress for me to do my full wake-up routine every day, but whatever I do helps a little. I'm unsure what to do when I want to go on the internet when I shouldn't, but I don't want to do my wake-up routine either. Maybe I'll think of something later. At least it my routine items seem to be doing good, especially reading the self-help book.

    So yeah, my quitting porn project has turned into a quitting the internet project for now. Again, I think it seems that I need to quit the internet and deal with real life in order to rewire my brain.

    No sexual acting out recently.

    No More Mr. Nice Guy! book

    In addition to the Dr. Phil self-help book that I read as part of my wake-up routine, I am also reading NMMNG! from the beginning again. I should join their official forum, too, since I don't have that many male figures in my life.
     
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  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I woke up earlier than I expected but I refused to stay up and went back to sleep. I went on the internet way too early again (and I'm still on it), but I did manage to read, stretch, prepare breakfast and pray a little. (I prayed for help in not going on the internet too much.) I had a hard time with the idea of putting off the internet and doing my wake-up routine, and I don't really know why. I don't have a plan for quitting excess internet use. Maybe I can sit around and try and come up with one today.

    S*AA meetings

    I attended one yesterday. Not much to report.

    To-do

    I still have to get my cake and pop, but also I should try to think of alternate things to do than the internet, like video games and playing piano.
     
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Well I messed up a bit. I went to look up a celebrity, I'm not saying which website just so it gives no ideas, but I knew it was a bad idea because the last time I did I looked up nudity. And so I saw some nudity yesterday, that fits a fetish of mine. I'm still trying to come to regret it, and calming down from it. Later today I watched a sitcom episode that was all about sex, which wasn't that good for me.

    To-do

    Admit I was wrong to go to the page where I saw the nudity from, and get un-triggered.
     
  12. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Hah, sometimes I'm in that weird spot where I am actually not against media depicting sexuality and intimacy on an abstract level, because I think suppressing sex in general is a bit of a dumb idea, but then on a personal level I'm just "it sexay, put it awaaaaay from mine eyes, my resolves crumbles faster than cookies arghlbla" or something as eloquent.

    Can we get trigger warnings for survivors of porn please. Half kidding, only.
     
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  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Hehe, survivors of porn is us. I liked your post.

    Status

    This morning I:
    • stretched
    • read some of Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil
    • stimmed (autistic stimming)
    But I still went on the internet to early.

    Sheesh, this internet habit is going to be hard to quit. I don't really have a plan for quitting the internet.

    I think I'm mostly over being triggered by the nudity I saw a few days ago when I was looking up a celebrity.

    To-do
    • Get a piano and maybe a guitar
    • Get cake and pop and sweets next grocery trip
    • Repair my bicycle
    I also have some shopping and errands I need to do, but I don't want to share them in case it reveals too much about me and compromises my privacy.

    Thanks for your support guys, I know I'm doing well as far as abstaining from porn and FMO. I don't know how I'm doing it myself, I think it might be a miracle in combination with the work I did on it. If my journal helps anyone else, that's great! Really.
     
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Well, I just FMOed. Some of the fantasies were more reprehensible than others, and I also fantasised about a real person. This real person I could possibly have had a romantic relationship with if everything worked out. I guess I'll reset my counter and change my signature. I don't know what I was thinking before I started. I guess a lot of it was triggered by the nudity I saw a few days ago, and maybe my SAA meeting today. That and it was just a long time since my last O. Oh yeah, I watched an episode of a TV show on Netflix, that although it didn't have nudity, had a beautiful young woman in scanty clothing and a bathing suit and a sex scene. Maybe that's what triggered me. Maybe it's all of the above.

    Edit: I am not sure how much I can MO while trying to recover from internet porn, but it's probably less than once every 4 weeks. It's probably about every 1.5 months. I don't think this FMO was a "good MO", unlike the last one. I don't really have a plan for refraining from FMO for 1.5 months at a time.

    To-do

    Same to-do as before. I should still reward myself, but maybe a little later because I did just FMO.
     

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