I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @nuclpow

    Thanks for being accountable nuclpow! To be honest, you've been doing such an incredible job that is difficult for me to comment on your last FMO session. I do hope though that you get a chance to discuss this experience with your fellow SAA members soon. Best of luck with your upcoming activities and appointments! Keep your head up.

    Take care
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm 97% doing well and it doesn't make a lot of sense to provide criticism. I'm not going to take it too hard.

    I'm still wondering of my FMO was all bad. I think that of you don't have nocturnal emissions (wet dreams) an MO every 1 1/2 months is fine and even a good idea. But, I used fantasies to MO, which I think sets me back even if I do it rarely. I have done "good MOs" before, and I got an erection and MOed without even a little fantasy, just an image of a woman topless in my head.
    I talked about it later that night, and they were kind and polite, but didn't talk about it much.
    Yeah, I'm anxious but I guess I'll take it one step at a time.

    I want to FMO again, but:
    • I can't if I want to reboot, can I?
    • I want to keep my skin quality at least moderately good
    • I don't want to have fantasies that would be immoral or unlikely in real life
    • I don't get much reward from my orgasm at all (which makes me want to MO more to make up for it)
    • I just think masturbation is stupid and maybe wrong
     
    Rudolf Geyse and NewStart19 like this.
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I'm going to write a new post so close to my last.

    I watched part of a TV show just recently that had some scenes where a lot of a woman's breast was shown, though not quite naked. (Don't go looking for one) (I didn't expect sexuality/nudity in this show, but maybe I should start assuming they have it in shows oriented to adults.) The skin of the breast was really lovely and I was reminded just how beautiful and wonderful those things are. Now, this woman is not too far off from my age which means she might be middle-aged. I got the idea that I should some day have a relationship with a middle-aged woman where I can touch and enjoy her breasts and do other sexual things. Basically, that it'd be right and proper and even a good idea and responsible of me to have a marriage-like relationship with a woman. I'm not saying it would be that easy, but I should mature and put it on the agenda of things to do, get a wife. I think this is sexual maturity and I'm going to have to work on it a lot more than just posting this post.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2021
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    You said it. After an MO I often wonder why I spent so much of my life chasing this. Then the lie is, "maybe I should have another go?" Illogical. I'm so over this trash!

    All the best with your journey and your new streak.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    @Rudolf Geyse, yeah, thanks for your comment :).

    Status

    I had some urges, maybe the "chaser effecct", but I didn't FMO or PMO.

    I watched two episodes of a TV show that had nudity in it. But it's not gratuitous and I'm not triggered by it. I think I am mature and healthy enough to see far away or poorly reflected nudity and not want to masturbate to it or look up porn. I do get excited and want to do something sexual, though. I'm going to keep watching the show because I think it's good for me and that it's not threatening my recovery. It may even be helping it. I plan to delay watching new episodes by a week though, to keep the temptation from being overwhelming

    Life plan

    Here life plan means putting myself out on the dating scene with the idea of an eventual marriage-like relationship. I think I'll put myself up on my website and maybe join some dating sites.

    I failed to buy myself a reward cake because my cart was full, there was no one at the counter, and I feel like I didn't deserve one yet. Maybe I do for 450 days no PMO, though I did a lot of FMO in the mean time, and it hasn't been that long since I FMOed. I bought some treats though.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I think I had an erotic dream recently. I have the urge to masturbate but so far I've been resisting it.

    Life plan

    I'm slacking off on my life plan. I had a lot of activity last week so I'm tired, but still I could be doing more to:
    • Get a girlfriend or a wife
    • Get rid of stuff from my apartment
    • Buy furniture
    • Get 1-2 part time jobs
    • Make friends with my neighbours and the general public
    • Get some more education
    • Read more
    • Exercise
    • Meditate or at least deep breath
    I've been doing a little deep breathing, and I think it helps with anxiety.

    Anyway I'm just posting to keep up and because I'm tempted.

    Edit: I don't feel tempted now. I talked to some strangers on the internet and also decided to go easy on myself and I felt better. I think I need to make a solid plan for getting a wife, though.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2021
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your likes @Rudolf Geyse and @Thelongwayhome27.

    Status

    I was tempted today to FMO, but I didn't. I guess I was tempted because last week was busy for me and the stress finally got to me. The temptation was stronger than I expected, though, which is why I am posting here. I think I need some kind of plan to deal with the temptations. The temptation to FMO is stronger for me because it seems very harmless, and I don't have many ideas to put in front of my mind to talk myself out of going ahead with it.

    For porn I can put in front of my mind the idea that I will end up in a crisis every time after the PMO is done, and that I think I will look really bad and stupid to any attractive chicks I might meet in the few days after the PMO, but I don't have much similar for FMO.

    Here are some reasons not to FMO:
    • My skin is clearing up with no FMO/PMO due to the high testosterone, and I imagine I look a lot better
    • My fantasies are just garbage and I assume pretty bad for me and unrealistic and shameful
    • I'll never rewire my brain and get my willpower, my impulse control, my planning and my moral centre back
    • I don't believe in masturbating anyway, and I'd rather have real sex with a real woman sometime
    Speaking of having a real woman as a wife or girlfriend, I did some thinking on that but not much action. I might need just to clean and organise my apartment to get a girl that I'd hope to get. It might not be that hard to get a woman if I find one who doesn't mind me being disabled.

    To-do

    Wait until it's safe to bring stuff to the thrift store to get rid of it, then do that. Then get myself a futon.
     
  8. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I can really relate to this.

    I wish you luck on your project of looking for a partner.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    You get in crisis too? I read in the SAA documentation that they get in crisis too.
    Thanks very much, but I haven't really gotten started.

    Status

    I am still tempted to FMO so I came here to post instead. The only thing that was stopping me was that it would break my reboot, and that motivation seemed to be fading fast. I figured it was worth using you guys' time to see if I could avoid masturbation.

    I exercised, briefly, today, and pursued education. Maybe the dopamine pulse of that was enough to trigger me. But it's more likely the sex toy I saw on Imgur, with commentary that a woman was going to use it later. I can't believe we openly talk about masturbation with sex toys in public now. But I'm a little envious, there doesn't seem to be a similar sex toy for men, and I can't masturbate if I want to recover. I just love women's pleasure but I guess I can't think about it if I want to recover. Also I have got to stop viewing Imgur, it seems to be the biggest triggering website for me recently.

    Okay, I think that did it, I no longer feel tempted (but I still have Imgur open). I'll close and post this now.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2021
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    The best advice I could think of for meeting someone and pursuing a relationship is:

    1) Focus not on meeting the perfect person, but on being the perfect person. (I use the term "perfect" loosely cos no one is perfect. Perfection is a direction not a destination.) But yes, working on your living space is a great start and keep working on being someone who is reasonably together, caring, supportive, and fun to be around, rather than trying to find that perfect someone out there. I agree that you can likely find someone who is willing to look past the disability if you have a life worth living and sharing.

    2) You gotta go where the singles are, be it online or in person. Staying in the same space with the same people is comfortable, but if there are no options where you are, you need to put yourself out there.

    3) You can see if it's a relationship that's going to last if you have similar vision and values, ie. If you both have similar core values and both have a similar idea of where you would like your lives to go.

    Not that you asked for advice, lol. I don't consider myself an expert, so use it, don't use it... all the best with your journey tho
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2021
    nuclpow and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yes I usually feel terrible after I relapse. I can't tell if it's psychological or biochemical but I always felt it was much more the former (psychological). This because I feel it's related to stuff like shame, a sense of failure, feeling hopeless, doubting I'll ever be healthy, fearing it's getting worst, etc. Like an obsession with a lot of despair and depression in it.

    Yes, a lot of the SAA stuff fits well with me. I don't really identify as a ''pure P addict''. I think I'm much more of a sex addict, and P is one outlet - that to be honest is less and less rewarding. But the strong pull of sex addiction (of lust), of going for that ''fix'', is always there. Pulling me again and again. Hence the psychological despair when part of me wants to get out of this thing, put it behind, yet the other wants more of the fix.

    I don't even have problems with PIED, I just am completely compulsive with my behavior and a slave to it and it seems to be getting progressively worst, even though I manage to get some abstinence under the belt every now and then (followed by more plunges).

    Sometimes I told myself I should accept it and never try to quit again. But that hasn't really worked. I see how not fighting it seems to be a very dangerous thing (possibly something that could kill me actually).
     
    nuclpow and Bilbo Baggins like this.
  12. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    I can relate to that. I know I would feel terrible if I relapsed too. And I also believe it would be a psychological reaction, not a neurological one. Feelings of shame, regret, despair, failure... I really think it’s psychological, because I’ve been feeling pretty good lately, and I don’t think there was much change in my brain in the last month. I think I’ve been feeling good because I’m starting to see improvements with my libido. To be reaping the fruits of my labour is a very satisfying experience, even if I’m still not exactly where I’d like to be. It makes you feel that you live according to your values, that there’s hope, and that is very soothing. So yes, we should not underestimate the psychological aspect of dealing with an addiction. If you feel you’re not going in the good direction, your mind will remind you about it in different ways. And if you’re going in the good direction, even if you’re still far from your goal, your mind will calm down. I guess we had to learn this the hard way...
     
    nuclpow and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    @Rudolf Geyse, thanks a lot for your post. It was good advice I think, and it helped give me some confidence.

    I'm posting here because it's been a while since my last post, and because I've been thinking about sex a lot today.

    Status

    No acting out since last. I talked to my stepfather about looking at women sexually and I think it helped. Maybe I can get out of the habit of doing that now. This would help me a lot I think, and boost my self-esteem because I feel less of a bad guy sexually.

    Dating

    I've been thinking about sex today and I was reminded it would be really nice if I could have some. I thought about dating recently and I think instead of looking for a girlfriend I should try to improve my life (and become the perfect partner like Rudolf says), basically by working on my life plan.

    I think I should still get rid of stuff and get more furniture, but in addition to that I think I'm addicted to the internet and I'm watching too much movies/television (mostly streaming). I think my next step should be to spend less time on the internet. At least I can delay going on it when I wake up.
     
  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    I like the point about not browsing the internet immediately when you wake up. This guy has a point on "graduated stimulation" which makes a lot of sense:

     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks @Rudolf Geyse. I haven't viewed the video yet but I should.

    Status

    Had some sexual fantasies this evening. I am very tired because I did not get to sleep last night. I am having the temptation to have sexual fantasies and to masturbate because I am tired. My plan is to post here and go to sleep. I also got some bad news, I think an aunt of mine may be dead or dying.

    I went to an SAA meeting on Monday or so, and I shared and I'm glad I did.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your aunt.

    I hope you feel refreshed after getting a good night's sleep.
     
    NewStart19 and nuclpow like this.
  17. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @nuclpow

    I echo what @Thelongwayhome27. Not sure what this does for you, but if she truly has passed, try not to forget the fact that you (as well as those who knew her) keep her memory alive. And that does mean something.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks, @Thelongwayhome27 and @NewStart19. She's really a great-aunt, and yeah she is dying, but she lived a long life and was a good influence on me.
    Well, see status.

    Status

    I posted so I wouldn't FMO, but I FMOed anyway. To be brutally honest, I feel a lot better. I think I needed that. The session wasn't that long, I couldn't keep from Oing. I wonder if I helped myself out. I believe in occasional MOs while rebooting. Maybe this was a good one.

    I've had some temptations today but they were weak and I resisted them.

    I think my next step is to work on my life plan again now that I won't be able to get rid of stuff for a while.
     
    NewStart19 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I caught up on sleep today. This means I was really behind on sleep for two days, for about 8 hours of sleep. I've had no temptations to FMO today.

    I've been reading No More Mr. Nice Guy! from the beginning. I still don't have enough men to talk to about being a Nice Guy, so I was going to join a forum on the internet. I found at least one in a WWW search. I also have the idea to buy the book instead of using a PDF for which I haven't paid.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    This video was good, I think I needed to hear it.

    Edit: I like the graduated stimulation idea, and the writing down worries idea, but also the meditation idea. I did 5 minutes of transcendental meditation after listening to the video and it made me not want to go on the computer. In the future I think I should meditate daily or at least every 1-2 or 1-3 days, and check my phone to help put off going on the computer.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2021

Share This Page