I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    A close call yesterday. I got my sperm cloth out (I know that's yucky) and was almost masturbating before I decided that I didn't want to ruin my 1 week streak and have to explain to you guys that I just wasn't trying. I think it was the closest I've come to masturbating while turning it down for the past few years.

    I wanted to masturbate for the release and pleasure of it, but one of the reasons I stopped is that I've noticed that masturbation does not give me much release or pleasure, so there's not much point in doing it anyway. I think it's what Your Brain on Porn says about porn addiction, "frequent masturbation, little satisfaction".

    I viewed a slightly sexy small, still picture of a woman in a modest bathing suit yesterday or the day before. I think things that are ever so slightly sexy and don't give me the impulse to masturbate might actually be good for me and help me reboot.

    To-do

    Continue to avoid gratuitously sexy movies, pictures and music videos. And I think I need to reward myself for going a week no P/FMO, though maybe a cake is too much. I'm not sure what.
     
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  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Less than a day since I last posted, but that's okay. I'm getting the urge to masturbate. I think it would really help if I got out for a good walk, but I've already been to the dentist and around the building lately, so I'm kind of overwhelmed. Plus I have a cold and I have to stay home if I'm sick. I'm successfully listening to music and watching TV and movies as an alternative to masturbation.

    But the urge to masturbate remains strong. I know if I do I will hardly feel better, maybe it'll help if I remind myself of that some more. Maybe I could use a hobby, too.

    To-do

    Continue not to masturbate and not be hard on myself. Get out for a walk when my cold is over. Try and get a piano for a hobby.
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2020
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P, F, M or O since last. I've been doing okay in turning down sexual thoughts rather than entertaining them. I am practicing NoA by doing this. I noticed that I get a lot of sexual thoughts that I have to turn down. But I feel like my willpower may have returned partially, because it's easier to will myself away from masturbation and sex thoughts.

    I also regret looking at so much porn because sometimes it's occurring to me and making it harder not to think of sex. Mostly my fault I guess. I'm glad I kept trying to quit, though.

    S*AA

    I've been going to SAA online meetings most days of the week. I think it helps a lot.

    To-do

    Reward myself for going without masturbation with movies and food I guess.
     
  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Nice job getting those urges to calm down with the help of NoA ! You are right I think to find a way to reward yourself for your good work.

    I have to say I find the notion of online SAA meetings interesting and intriguing.
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    You said it better than I did. NoA is excellent advice and it seems to be working for me. Small rewards seem to help even if they're very small... after all, I really don't want to be looking at porn anyway. I know it's bad for me. So I guess the small rewards are enough to tip the balance of the decision towards sobriety.
    Yeah, I go to SAA Online meetings. I think they're open to anyone trying to quit addictive sexual behaviour, including internet porn. I'd say they're good for you if you are having deeper emotional or sexual problems than just internet porn, but you can come just for internet porn, too.
     
  6. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to say I'm impressed at the steady progress you seem to be making here. Thanks for the inspiration.

    Take care
     
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  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the information. That describes me pretty well. I'm pretty sure they would help me.

    Take care and keep going !
     
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I guess I am making steady progress. It's too slow for me, but I guess it's better than nothing. If I'm helping others here, that's great! Thanks for letting me know.
    Okay, I hope it works out for you.
    Yeah, that seems to be what I have to do to stay clean.

    Status

    No P, F, M or O since last. I'm 15 days clean. I get the idea to masturbate regularly, a few times a day. I keep turning it down. I think my willpower has increased due to going over 400 days without internet porn. I feel a little more intelligent, though it's hard work focusing my mind. I'm on another medication now that may additionally reduce my sex drive, so maybe it's easier to stay clean (but it doesn't feel easy).

    I guess I'm doing well, except that I need more things in my life to do for fun, like games and hanging out with people. I don't feel so great, but generally I've had a lot of improvement. At least I have a TV and streaming services.

    To-do

    Keep on the way I'm going, I guess. Work on my life plan a lot. Continue to take it easy on myself and reward myself.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Some fantasising, but I stopped after a couple minutes, no P, M, or O. The medication I'm on dampens my sex drive, plus I'm no longer 18. So it's fairly easy for me to abstain from sex stuff and to practice NoA. I'm also attending S*AA meetings.

    Life plan

    I think with Christmas and New Year's happening, and having attended a counselling appointment, I'm too tired to do much life planning. But it's still the same, I need to get rid of stuff out of my apartment and get more furniture (couch, kitchen chairs, bed, desks, office chair).

    Exercise

    I read an article today about how exercise improves your mood and your emotional well-being. I'm sure it helps with addiction, too. I guess I feel stupid when I exercise in my home, doing push-ups or jumping jacks or whatever. Maybe that's one reason I don't exercise much. I guess going on walks and going grocery shopping works as exercise for me, especially when I am walking uphill. I wish I had bought that Wii exercise board when I saw it. I don't really know what to do to get myself to exercise more. Maybe I can join the YMCA. I like swimming.

    To-do

    My counsellor gave me a lot of instructions, I guess I should try to do them all before our meeting next month.
     
    NewStart19 likes this.
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P, F, M or O since last Not much has changed since my last post. It's been relatively easy for me to keep from thinking or doing sexual things, so I'm practicing NoA in that way. I think the two psychiatric medications I am on are really reducing my sex drive, so that's helping make it easier. I've woken up with somewhat hard erections a few times over the past few weeks, which was pleasant. But mostly it looks like I should keep doing what I'm doing, except work on my life plan more.

    I've been thinking of exercising in my apartment, however briefly, as an improvement to my life that might help with porn addiction and with mental health.

    Life plan

    I still need to get rid of stuff and get a couch or a futon. I also should get a piano. It's not so easy for me to get rid of stuff since some of it still works or could be valuable if repaired or I should try to sell and get money for.

    To-do

    Give away or sell stuff to improve my apartment. Exercise in my apartment even if that irritates the neighbour downstairs.
     
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  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I unintentionally saw porn. I went to watch a raunchy sex comedy, but I checked the movie's maturity rating and it didn't say anything about nudity. I think I'm moderately triggered by it, although I stopped watching after about 20 minutes because I didn't like the movie. I guess where I went wrong was watching an R-rated raunchy sex comedy. I should watch something clean and wholesome to clear out the triggering from my mind.

    Edit: It's been about an hour and 35 minutes and I don't feel triggered so much anymore, even though I watched a show which had some sexual content (by my standards) that would trigger me. I guess refraining from FMO and practicing NoA and my two medications are doing me good.

    Edit: I'd also like to add that the porn I saw in this movie just looked really bad to me, so artificial and fake and immoral. I guess I've been on the right track for a while to see it this way.

    Edit a couple days later: I don't feel triggered anymore. I didn't continue watching that movie. I maybe shouldn't have watched a TV drama with some sexual scenes, but so far I haven't done any F, P, M or O. I should make a post later, but I guess I need to work on my life plan too.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2021
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Not a lot going on, still haven't acted out. I have noticed a little bit that I tend to think about sex or sexualise a lot of things that I have to get rid of and practice NoA instead. I think it's relatively easy not to think of sex because of the two medications I'm on that reduce my sex drive. I am still going to SAA meetings. I'm fairly happy. Edited later: But I don't feel like my willpower or extremely disciplined self-control or planning are back yet. Maybe I should try knitting and other mental activities that require discipline to help me recover. (Knitting is recommended in Brain Age 2.)

    Life plan

    Same as before, I need to get rid of stuff and get furniture.

    NMMNG! book

    I'm still reading this book. I need to follow its instructions and talk about my issues with fellow men and try to make progress.

    Counselling

    I've been trying to follow the instructions of my counsellor, which isn't easy, but it seems to be working. He also told me to read instead of be in front of a screen all the time and I started a non-fiction book I found online. I'm still in front of a screen but at least I'm not pointlessly Web browsing or gaming.

    To-do

    Keep reading my book, meet with my fellow men and talk about my assignments in NMMNG!, get some treats and eat them as a reward to myself for my sexual abstinence, keep going to S*AA meetings, donate some stuff in my apartment.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2021
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  13. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    No news is good news.
    Keep going.
     
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  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No acting out since last. I feel like my sex drive is returning a very little. In my last post I talked about how it was easy to practice NoA. Maybe it was easy because I was in flatline. And I think I am coming out of flatline now. I get thoughts and ideas of cuddling and doing sexual things with a girl. They're positive feelings but I can't entertain them. I have to practice NoA, which has gotten slightly harder for me.

    It was nice to have a flatline and to practice NoA. I was able to train myself not to think excessively about sex for the first time since I got my sex drive at 14. It would have been nice to do this when I was a teenager or young adult and could have saved me a lot of stress and misery.

    Having a real sex drive is nicer than having a porn drive. That is, I used to want to look up porn and masturbate or have sexual fantasies and masturbate all the time. That's not a sex drive, that's a porn/fantasy drive. I think I'm returning to a real sex drive. (I think this has happened to me several times in all my rebooting attempts over the past seven years.)

    I think my sex drive will get a lot stronger as time goes by, despite the medication I'm on. That's when I usually fail at a rebooting attempt. I don't know what I should do.

    Life plan

    I think I should do various mentally challenging things to help my brain rewire. Maybe if I do a really good job I'll get smarter, too.

    To-do

    Same as before. I should get some rewards for not acting out recently. I think I should get myself another cake for 400 days no PMO and a couple months no FMO.
     
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    A few minutes ago I remembered a fantasy and some porn and I was tempted to masturbate. I think this was about half an hour or twenty minutes after deciding again not to think of sex and to practice NoA. I was also thinking that I should make out with a real woman some time to help me reboot, and that may have led to the thoughts of the fantasy.

    I turned down the temptation with a little difficulty, partly by reminding myself that I'd have to reset my counter here, and a little bit by reminding myself that I get hardly any sexual pleasure out of masturbation and orgasm lately. I didn't even think of reminding myself that I needed to refrain from masturbation to reboot and get my brain and my life back (this motivation usually doesn't work for me anyway because I feel so hopeless and discouraged, and I don't really think long term like that anymore, probably due to the disabling of my pre-frontal cortex).

    I figured I'd post this to my journal before I forgot about it. I think I feel fine now.
     
  16. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    I feel you, man. But keep it up, there’s always hope. I am well acquainted with the feelings of despair and hopelessness, but I think they are an illusion, a trap. Optimism is an illusion too, don’t get me wrong. But I guess in this world, it’s better to have beliefs that feed us, not beliefs that shut us down. It’s not always about being right, or objective. It’s also about building, working towards something, and I think that staying away from despair is probably necessary for that.

    Take care, friend.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2021
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Hi @Bilbo Baggins, that's a great insight. Despair is lie, or at least false, and I should let it go. Thanks for your post to my journal.

    Status

    No P, F, M or O since last. I haven't been thinking of sex much and I think I'm practicing NoA reasonably well. I think I'm benefitting from the medication I'm on reducing my sex drive, but otherwise things are going well for me. It's been easier to turn down masturbation when I think about how little pleasure I get out of it and how unrewarding the orgasm is. I've also been struck by how bad the fantasies I've been having were. They were highly immoral. This might be helping me detox from porn-inspired sexual fantasies.

    Counselling

    I have been letting go of bad or painful memories from the past like my counsellor told me. It hasn't been easy, and I've had some emotions and stress from it, but after a while I felt a lot better. I guess I have to keep doing this a lot. My counsellor also advised me to spend less time on the internet (obviously), which I've been trying to do over today and yesterday by doing other things like chores and computer repair and stimming. I've also been advised not to let people's opinions get into me, he said to keep myself immune to it like I would try to keep Covid-19 out of my system. This should help my confidence and maybe help me get out of the house more often.

    I've been told here to get out of the house more, and I have been trying. I go to a nearby park and I found that rewarding the last time I did it.

    To-do

    I still haven't been to the grocery store to get my treats and my cake to reward myself for 400 days clean of PMO and about 2 months clean no FMO. But I plan to keep avoiding the internet as long as possible in the morning to reduce my internet use and help weaken my internet addiction. I've done this before while rebooting and it helped significantly.

    Thanks for reading and posting to my journal guys.
     
  18. Keep up the great work.

    For my own learning, any tools or techniques that your counsellor suggested to let go of the past?

    I have found that journaling and mediation have helped me some.
     
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  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    He said to let go of the past and to move on, and he said stay in the here and now. What I did was, whenever I noticed myself thinking about the past I gave myself permission to let it go and tried to willingly leave it behind.

    Thanks for your post to my journal :)
     
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  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No acting out since last. I woke up today with a soft erection after having a slightly sexual dream. It was kind of nice.

    Since waking up I have been considering doing a "good MO", where I MO to just the slightest amount of fantasy, or just an image of imagined female nudity in my mind. If it really was a good MO, and didn't involve significant amounts of fantasy, I wouldn't reset my counter. I think it's okay to have the rare emergency override that doesn't involve porn or fantasy while rebooting, especially if you're never having any wet dreams.

    It's been 43 days since my last M and before that about 9 days no PFMO. I really have been doing well, haven't I?

    Edit: I FMOed. I couldn't get an erection thinking of simple nudity so I went with my previous sexual fantasies. I'm not going to reset my counter because I still feel this was a semi-okay emergency override that I needed for my sanity (though I'll take "orgasm" off the counter).

    Edit: I think I'll reset my counter because it's honest and this wasn't a "good MO" since I used fantasies (and some extreme ones). TheUnderdog is right, it's better to have a spreadsheet with acting out checked off than to use a counter. (TheUnderdog is usually right.) I don't know when I'll do that, though.

    Edit: I think I FMOed because I had a lot of activities and appointments this month and it stressed me a little, and I have dysfunctional stress circuits due to being addicted to internet porn. I don't have a plan for dealing with this yet except maybe not rewarding myself for refraining from FMO, though that may be too extreme.
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2021
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