I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Current meditation technique and success

    This describes how I am currently meditating and how well it's working out.

    Physical position:

    I sit in an exact spot in my room, on the floor, cross-legged. I put my wrists on my knees and put my hands in front of me. If I am lazy I leave my hands lax and let them hang there. If I am in a better mood I touch my forefingers and thumbs together like you see from real Hindu people meditaters, but I don't splay my fingers.

    I open the curtains and turn off all computers and TVs, and close my bathroom door so I can't hear the dripping shower. This is as much as I can do to to turn off distractions. I would also turn off a radio or CD player if I had one. I also like to do it in the morning. Perhaps it should be done first thing in the morning, as soon as I get out of bed, but I am not sure. Perhaps it should be the second thing.

    I set my microwave oven (I have a microwave oven) to make a timer for 20 minutes. I double-check to see if there are any distractions. If there are none I start the timer and go and sit down in the spot I've picked in the position I describe above. I probably ought to have a little better posture when I sit, but I don't think it's that important. I also like to be dressed normally (daytime clothes).

    I also keep my eyes closed or just slack in front of me, not looking at or focusing on anything, especially not outside.

    Mental position:

    I used to count (which was the only way I could meditate when I had no clocks in my room) to tell how long it was in my meditation. I also used to count just as the thing to focus on to meditate. I still do that. Actually today I just counted inhales and exhales, or tried to. The other techniques are to try to think of nothing by willpower, and to focus on breathing. I prefer the former, and actually I think it might work the best.

    It used to be harder to meditate when I had to keep opening my eyes to check on a clock somewhere.

    I have decided to go with a fixed time, twenty minutes for now, instead of stopping when I feel like I had accomplished something. I don't know if this is better or not, but it's probably fine for now. Also when I have a fixed time it encourages me to stop thinking and not waste time because I won't have another chance at it that day. That's the main point of meditation for me, to STOP THINKING.

    Most days I still think most of the period of meditation, but the thinking I do do is less intense and racing. Over all I don't think it's helping much except to get me to settle down overall. It's not really helping my mind much.
     
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I tried a one day reboot

    After some thinking about my rebooting update period and my resolve for rebooting I decided to change it to 1 day. I was serious about this and thought it was a good idea. I even think it led to me being able to see very pretty girls at the store the next day.

    I did not make it one day. I looked at porn and MOed on TV in the middle of the night. I think I was just being rebellious because 90% of me does not want to quit porn, and it was preventing me.

    I looked at porn a little the next day, too.
     
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Plan for going without sex or masturbation

    I see people talking about keeping very busy as the only way to go without sex. I agree. This is what I plan to do. I plan to fill up my time with school or employment, with exercise and chores, with socialising and going out, and with leaning a new language and relaxation. I think this will do it.

    The second part is a post I read today or yesterday (probably this one) on transmuting sexual energy into doing something creative. I think it is about creative energy, that it has to go somewhere. I think this will work and is a necessary second half to the first paragraph above.

    I believe I need to do programming, computer programming, to use this powerful creative energy. I believe that for makebelieve it's music and for others it's writing, music as well, and poetry.

    The last thing I think I need to do is reboot so I can have erections back and real life and real social skills back, and then have sex with a real woman in a regular way, so many months, hopefully less than a year and half, down the road.
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Two days of rebooting

    I had <insert link here> vivid dreams again, each night. The first night I dreamt of electronic keyboards, which is to do with my dad. The second dream I dreamt my very ancient friend got a job near here and I hung out with him, but he wasn't impressed. This is about my ancient friend, of course.

    I exercised today, it felt really good again. I think I should exercise every second day and run every second day. That's all I remember for now.
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    More of a plan for rebooting

    • Do running every second day, physical exercise the other days, including Sunday
    • Read Your Brain On Porn and NoFap every day to get motivation to quit
    • Continue write in my journal every day
    • Continue to spend time in nature (I have four different ways to do it now)
    • Continue with meditation every day, and get better at it
    • Continue to have short social interactions every day
    • continue to stay away from fatty, sugary food and junk food and fast food
    • Write two posts in this journal every day, or one here and one elsewhere
    • Break down my rebooting effort into really little goals

    Here are the really little goals for rebooting:
    • 1 day
    • 3/4 days (haven't decided yet)
    • 1 week
    • 2 weeks
    • 3 weeks
    • 30 days
    • 45 days
    • 70 days
    • 100 days
    Not sure about that last one.

    I would also like to reward myself (not with junk food, but maybe with chocolate or ice cream or cake) on reaching those goals. Not a very big reward for the small goals, of course.

    Perhaps I should not reward myself for not looking at porn, but only reward myself for starting and sticking with a new habit every day, such as the exercising. I definitely have this idea for learning a new language, if I get very far I should reward myself by letting myself buy and eat sushi (expensive).

    The post I made a few days ago about how I saw two attractive women and one young lady is still sticking with me. I think it was because I was serious for about a day about quitting porn.
     
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    More serious rebooting attempt: Day 3

    I had a vivid dream again last night, but I don't remember it right now. I slept on the floor. I was up late last night, but not like 1AM late. I slept in bed after I got up. I ran but only partially meditate yesterday. I have been eating well, too well. I have not been writing in my journal. I feel angry and like crap. I haven't been getting out enough. Some positives listed at the end of this entry.

    Porn is mostly all I can think about. I need to put a filter or two on my computer. I need more alternate activities. I need more of other people to associate with. I need to get out more. I probably need to be around other people most of every day. You know, just because I live alone doesn't mean I have to be alone all the time, I can go out and hang out with others.

    The idea occurred to me recently of officially getting into an indoor sport, lacrosse actually, although I have never played this before. I'm going to pursue this. I also believe in cycling and swimming, and that they really reduce porn ideas for me. I haven't done either of those much in ages. I'm not sure how I'll do swimming from here, the YMCA? But the bicycle I can do soon.

    I'm having no luck keeping to a schedule. This is dangerous because otherwise I am awake and alone at night, and I am usually tired, angry or bored, though I usually get through it fine. I'm just so used to avoiding porn. Yes, this is dangerous.

    I am pleased with my previous post about abstinence. I believe that with keeping busy, with transferring my creative energy to computer programming, with preparing myself for real sex with a woman, and adm it's causing me anguish and spending some time and suffering about it, I can make it indefinitely.

    Some positives:
    • Did work on my Livejournal presence
    • Pursued friendship with female friend on Livejournal
    • Was outside and enjoyed the outside briefly
     
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    List of things I have to give up

    • Internet porn, video and pictures
    • Pornography, sexual things, sexy things on TV
    • Sexy or sexual things on the Internet
    • Sex stories on the Internet
    • Sex-related fantasies, whether self-made or to do with actual people
    • Intentionally thinking about sexual things whenever something uncomfortable comes up or I'm bored

    These are the things I have to give up to quit porn.

    Most of these I have to give up permanently, but perhaps when I'm set right seeing sexy things won't be wrong or bother me.
     
  8. SimplyMe

    SimplyMe New Member

    I think you have to understand that you have to go through the hell sooner or later. it seems you try to avoid it... it will not be easy

    but as i meantioned earlier there is NO OTHER WAY!


    try to realise what you want more. the same old life or a new one.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    update

    I set up OpenDNS on my computer today. I had set it up in the past, too. But I disabled it only in a few days. I don't actually know if OpenDNS is a good idea or not. I am doing it out of reaction. I am trying to say that I am doing it sort of automatically, without really a clear plan.

    I also downloaded K9 Web Protection today and submitted my real name and e-mail address for a licence key. I have not installed K9 yet, but I did select a password. I should install it I suppose, but I could pick a new password again. I think this situation is out of control, going without a full plan I guess. I wish I had a friend to give my passwords to.

    I intentionally viewed P today, this morning. Actually it wasn't really P it was a Britney Spears music video. I couldn't watch that music video even if I didn't have a porn problem I don't think. It's too far to what I don't believe in, and too inappropriate perhaps, due to sexual content. I cut out out but it affected me. Possibly I partially did it to be rebellious.

    But it really affected me because it made me think about how I'll probably never get to look at a naked girl on a computer screen again, or any naked girl or woman I haven't earned or am not in love with and in a committed relationship with. I don't know if I can deal with that. Or if I want to deal with that.

    That reminds me. I think in addition to the psychological addiction of Internet porn, the brain changes including the takeover of the reward system and the reduction of the pre-frontal cortex there is a massive psychological or emotional attachment for each of us, including me, that has to be dealt with in order to leave porn behind permanently. Even writing "behind permanently" bothers me.

    Later in the day I slept because I had not slept much the night before. When I woke up and I was still in bed I did an MO to fantasies. I had many times to turn back or not have those fantasies, but I did them anyway, partially to be rebellious, and partially because I knew it would not turn back my porn counter. I also turned down at least one idea of looking up porn for my MO, so I did not go on the computer while I was doing my MO. I added an item to my things I have to give up list because of this, actually modified it, but it wasn't much. This was dumb (doing the MO) and I am embarrassed and rightly so for doing it.

    I also think that I may be a real sex addict in addition to being addicted to Internet porn and may have to do the Twelve Step stuff with God being involved 100%.

    I have not really been journalling, meditating, exercising, getting out or taking care of myself much lately, though I have had a few friendly social interaction. This is mostly due to high stress and resistance and lack of a schedule. For some reason I'm having a hard time lately. Also practiced guitar more than usual.

    I've been watching too much TV, but despite what my porn counter says I actually haven't looked at porn for more than a few seconds for a week or two. The last binge was not major and it was the only one for a while. I don't understand why I feel so bad or resistant (uncooperative). I'm not asking for anyone to say anything about this.

    Actually I wrote a lot just now, which I think is letting me make this long-winded post. I wish I could help out other people in this forum more, but I have a hard time keeping my head and being real, and being open or honest. I'm not open or honest here yet, but my confession that I think I might be an actual sex addict in addition to addiction to Internet porn is pretty open and is the most open I have been yet.

    I also want to change my nickname, user picture and tagline. To anyone reading this, good job keeping PMO-free, or at least trying to. (I am also trying, just in a slow, sort of bottom-up way,
    perhaps.)
     
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I feel rather high

    Although I looked at P yesterday or two days ago, I feel really high today. Actually my PMO counter doesn't give the right impression. I have actually abstained from PMO binges, except once, for at least a month, maybe two.

    For feeling high I mean optimistic and unthreatened (secure I guess) and confident. I think it's also from staying calm and sticking with other rebooting methods (socialising, going outside). I did some writing and journalling today and yesterday, for example, catching up somewhat.

    But I think it's also a catch-up on feelings and intellect. I think it's getting through because I have been seriously working on the Internet porn problem (though it doesn't look like it). My work has mostly been of the kind of trying to take it seriously and take into account the things I had to do and my willingness for them, and from trying to regulate my schedule. And also from not looking at porn (or masturbating) and not replacing those activities with bad or pointless ones (Youtube, constant TV, fast food).

    I am also dying to download music. Especially J-Pop. I want to read up about Japan and learn all kinds of things about it and do it in the original Japanese if possible. I had also practiced programming lately, which I really enjoyed. This is the real me! I believe if I reboot completely and don't let any of my other problems act up I will be like this all the time, whenever I'm not down. I had almost forgotten what kind of person I was like.

    If I'm like that more than 50% of the time I think I will be happy. This is what I have been looking forward to for years, over a decade even. Man, if I am like this most of the time (and well fed and housed and not depressed), well, I can't imagine how happy I'd be or how much I would get done. Maybe me not being able to imagine it is what's affecting me as far as lack of motivation.

    I was going to make a post on motivation here before this one. I was going to talk about how I had no motivation, and that just getting through a day with nothing getting worse maybe could have been motivation. I was going to say that just a bonus of being able to have an attitude might have been enough, or to make my situation better.

    I just read a lot of 0.BENEFITS.pdf and got a lot out of it. There's tonnes in there and I don't always have to read from the top. I just skipped to the middle and read some. I should do that every day. Everyone here should do that every day, read two stories from the BENEFITS PDF. I was going to make reading YBOP, YBR and noFap part of my quitting routine, but I had forgotten about the benefits file.

    I also feel more in tune with the God I used to know and like. I see God all the time. I see him in every aspect of society. I see him in Taylor Swift, Rihanna and Lady Gaga. If you could see God like I do.

    Thank God I chose to do this. And thank you guys for helping me with the forum and reminding me of things.
     
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    porn use down, doing MOs instead, but that's not good either

    Current status:

    I have been peeking at sexy things or porn on the Internet or cable TV regularly. I have not been m.-ing to it or looking at it for long. It is still a bad idea of course, and I think it is keeping me addicted. I think it happening because myself or my brain is trying to keep me addicted to porn, and just that one second is enough to give me a dopamine spike to keep me addicted.

    I have also been regularly doing m.-ing, three times, three days apart. This is not planned. This is just how I am when I'm not trying, so I think I'm not really trying. These are done to fantasies, too. I have to give up the fantasies, too.

    I exercised a few days ago, but meditation is still way down. I think my mind is racing too much for me to meditate and I don't know if I should be even doing it. I'm not getting far as far as the lifestyle changes that I need to replace Internet porn, but I think if I change the one critical thing in my life I'll be able to do them regularly and it will pay off. It's good when I do it anyway.

    Done lately:

    This is my first post to YBR from somewhere else. It shows I'm taking this a little seriously I guess.

    I read half of the Feed the Right Wolf recovery course, until it tells you to look up a video. The video is replaced by a document now and I read that. The Feed the Right Wolf instructions are what I already had come up with myself after taking seriously the A.A. and sex addicts fellowships stuff for years, and Christianity and some of my own ideas.

    It says things to do with God I have not been doing. I knew I was supposed to do them. I am unwilling to do them. This I need to do but cannot be done with the Your Brain On Porn framework. This is the thing for me. I need some more God stuff and probably Sex Addicts Anonymous. Is all bigger than anything else in this post. I am unwilling.

    I was hoping to separate the above from just quitting pornography according to the information from Your Brian On Porn. But now I know I can't. This is probably more important than anything else I have posted to this journal.

    I read a success story from the BENEFITS PDF file. It was effective on me. Most of them are. I am trying to continue quitting or rebooting, and to remind myself of what I am doing, and to get motivation to keep at it.

    Future actions:

    I should chart the following things for every day:
    - Middle circle behaviours on TV or Internet--cruising around, not really looking up porn, not really not looking up porn
    - Times seeing or deliberately looking up sexy things or porn on TV or computer
    - Times doing s. fantasies
    - Times touching myself when I know I shouldn't be, and actual edging or o.

    And another chart, to compare it with:
    - did I do meditation that day, for how long and did I do it well or at least try to do it well
    - did I do running and exercise, same as above
    - short social interactions, time in nature
    - if I read YBOP, this forum, the BENEFITS file, or Reddit NoFap that day
    - journalling, other writing, updating my journal on this forum
    - practicing my text editor, other programming stuff, typing tutor
    - getting out of the house, practicing guitar, reading at night

    Since I am a Christian I also have to do praying and Bible reading. I have not made a morning routine yet.

    I should also chart time spent on the computer with no clear reason, or watching TV with nothing really to watch, or time alone and awake at night. Maybe I should chart just whenever I'm not doing something constructive.

    ----

    More from my last reading of the BENEFITS file:

    A lot of the stuff in that document I have. And I didn't know it was from PMO. I believe that most of the problems of my life are from that PMO now, especially being able to assert myself. The document talks about many people who are able to stand up for themselves and socialise after ditching Internet porn and M, even in a big way. This is the thing I most look forward to and is most likely to make me motivated enough to put on the mindset of no porn again.

    I was thinking that if I kept doing rebooting-like things as much as possible I would slowly get better until it caught up to me in a bigger way, and then I'd all of a sudden be well on my way to a full, official reboot, and I'd have enough energy and organisation and motivation to do it.
     
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I haven't updated for a while.

    Did some m. yesterday, edging actually.

    I'm not enthusiastic about posting here. I think I may not supposed to be participating in this forum.

    I wanted to mention that I started making a list of things to do before I go on the Internet and this has worked out well.

    My PMO counter says 6 days since I last looked at P and I am really proud of that, a lot more than I expected. I might have it set to be too strict, even glancing at porn would make me reset it at this point.

    Hey, you know what that means? I can give myself a reward for passing my 3 (or 4) day goal, and for a week tomorrow.

    You know what I'd like for a reward? To kiss a woman. I wonder if any I know are willing. It's probably so chaste she could probably have a boyfriend or even a husband if I knew her well enough.

    Otherwise I don't have much ideas.

    By the way, one of the reasons I never have any enthusiasm or determination in this journal is because I think it's better if I don't. I think I'm more likely to have success if I don't try to put huge amounts of will power into it.
     
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I avoided a trigger

    Like I keep saying, I actually haven't been acting out very much lately. I haven't binged on porn (MO with P) for weeks, since I last mentioned it in my journal. (And I think even that one wasn't necessary.)

    This journal entry I want to note that one of the things that normally triggered me, a trip to my dad's house in another city, didn't trigger me, and it's been four days and I haven't acted out. That's a trigger because it's usually emotional and has a lot of stress to do with it, including planning getting there and back and the trips there and back.

    So, in retrospect, I'm actually doing fairly well as far as decreasing P consumption and getting off it entirely.

    I think the main point for me now is still the idea of giving it all up completely forever. I guess I should keep in mind I can still have a lot of the good feelings to do with porn (intimacy, love, joy, sexual excitement), I'll just have to earn them and they won't be on demand.

    And, maybe, sometimes, things will go wrong and I won't get them even if I have earned them and I'll just have to be disappointed and be a grown-up about it.

    I am encouraged when I read others' journals and the BENEFITS document. I think, from reading the journals and the document, that pretty much 100% of my problems are to do with PMO and addiction to Internet porn. [ Edit, Feb 22, '13: I think I should not have posted that and it's really 60%. I don't think the next sentence is quite true either. ] Either that or I have to solve PMO in order to to solve the problem. So I am encouraged from reading those documents because it makes it look like I can solve most of those problems and have a normal or good life after I reboot and permanently quit porn.

    I almost didn't come here today, now I'm glad I did.
     
  14. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Re: I avoided a trigger

    Same for me. Some days I believe my problems are so huge that PMO can't be the source of them, others I believe PMO is the root of it all and removing it will remove 100% of my problems. Perhaps we should convince ourselves that PMO is the only reason behind our problems, whether this is true or not, in order to have enough will force to reboot.
    I believe this is the strongest motivation we can find. The prospect of a girlfriend seems too far fetched at the moment to be categorized as a possibility by the brain.
     
  15. CrazyGopher

    CrazyGopher Member

    Hi quitporn2,

    I'm glad you made some progress on deciding whether you want to give up porn, or not. I guess we switched places, because now you seem more sure of yourself and I am having some doubts!

    Anyway, I hope your strategy of not using that much willpower and determination is successful!
     
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Thanks for your posts SimplyMe, Fiddler and CrazyGopher. I don't have much to say for now.

    My Internet access has not worked for a few days. I want to set my PMO tracker so it only counts real porn and full MOs, so it's less sensitive over all, but I still want to make notes somewhere of porn or porn-like infringements.

    My strategy is not not to try... it's kind of to try unofficially, partially so I don't stress myself out about it, or rebel against myself forcing myself to do it, and look up porn. It's also unofficial because I don't really want to do it (but I'm doing stuff to do with it anyway). I expect I'll catch up and suddenly make a real rebooting effort which will be a lot easier because I already am half-way through one.

    I have also read that working hard against porn only strengthens it, because the will power is part of the reward pathway or something. I have also read that the successful rebooters aren't trying hard.

    I have been continuing on the idea of taking porn off the table. I wanted to note that since refraining from real porn for weeks and doing too many MOs I have become extremely affectionate of all the female friends I know, whether I'm in contact with them or not. I feel like I want them to be my girlfriends, which I guess is kind of normal. My point is that my sex interest is diverting to real people from many weeks of seriously considering porn not being an option. This investment appears to be working. I don't know what I'll do when I realise I can't be affectionate to all my female friends.
     
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Actually I think I'm in deep crap. Although I have not looked up Internet porn for a while or watched a significant amount on TV I still think I have fallen off the wagon.

    I guess that means that I am just not trying to reboot anymore, or considering Internet porn addiction to be a problem, or that I have that problem.
    This is partially because my Internet hasn't been working lately and I haven't read YBOP every day like I am supposed to. It's YBOP that convinces me that Internet porn addiction is a thing, and that and other forums that remind me that Internet porn is calamitous.

    I also believe I should move somewhere where there isn't high speed Internet access and no one around.

    I think I'm kind of close to relapsing. I think I don't want to do that. I think I'll try a calm daily routine with meditation and exercising again. I keep thinking porn is a good idea. I should write down what happens when I do consume porn if I'm serious.

    I've also done a very large amount of edging to fantasy recently, with my libido coming back and hitting me. I can't do that, either, if I want to reboot.

    And I do want to reboot. I haven't mentioned this yet but I do have the reduced erections and prefer full ones. It's mostly just a matter of wanting to do anything at all. I'm angry at God and I think I'm ruining my life because of it. I should quit porn, get married, have sex, and then go back to being angry at God again, after I quit porn.

    Also have had at least three vivid dreams lately. I think it's related to porn-induced ED, actually. The dreams are usually about stressful things in my life. In the last one I was on a ledge over a flood, and all my stuff was in the flood. It was also outside a school.

    I feel completely dishonest with my PMO tracker. Has it really been 11 days (and 23) hours since I last intentionally looked at porn? No, I think I watched a sexy music video about a week ago that was perhaps crossing the line.
     
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    What happens when I look up porn (consequences)

    The subject says "What happens when I look up porn" and it seemed like a good idea to write at the time, but now I don't think so.

    I think I'm serious about rebooting now. [Edit: I was going to change that before I posted. I'm still not sure.] I just need to be reminded incessantly. Just the change from life where I am guilty and fearful and not getting anything done to a life where I am optimistic and not anxious and occasionally getting something done would be worth the change.

    I'm going to have to reboot. I lack the organisation. I need to spend time away from my computer and TV. I need to go outside more often, but I usually get in trouble if I do. I really should be going outside as much as possible. But what will I do with myself? I should get a job. I have an alarm clock now which really helps. It helps me keep my life more manageable.

    Actually I think there's other things interfering that I don't know about, more than general discouragement.

    A man on Youtube posted a comment where low dopamine means no motivation, no something, no libido, and high dopamine irritability, anger, and getting up and going.

    Yes, yes, yes, I get this all the time. This is my day. My dopamine fluctuates wildly. It's what causes me the most stress in the day.

    Reset my counters. Sucks. I just looked up sexy pictures and I did m. earlier today. I can't do that and get away with it! So I'm going to go back to having the strict counter and resetting it for even slight looks at porn or sexy images, because I'm doing it intentionally and I know it.

    I am also going to add push-ups and sit-ups to my day somehow. I don't know how. I'm rambling.

    I lied a while back when I said I was going to check out lacrosse. I wasn't going to, and I didn't. Sorry.
     
  19. CrazyGopher

    CrazyGopher Member

    Re: What happens when I look up porn (consequences)

    Sorry, about your reset :-\

    Honesty, is good ;D Something I have to work on, too.
     
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Re: What happens when I look up porn (consequences)

    Thanks, but I'm not. It actually feels pretty good to be honest. I know I should not intentionally be looking at sexy music videos or pictures. I also think just doing that is enough to keep me from rebooting.

    Thank you. That makes me feel a lot better. I almost didn't write that (about the confession), but now I'm glad I did.

    I'm nervous about rebooting. I think the main reason might be that I just don't know if it is what I am supposed to do next in my life.

    I don't know how I am going to do it, either. I am usually hungry, alone, tired, or angry, sometimes all four. And there is little to do here except watch TV, write, read, or PMO-related activities.

    So I wonder if I should try moving first to someplace where there's more people or less high speed Internet access or both.
     

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