I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Two FMOs since last. The fantasies are definitely inspired by written porn and sometimes by visual porn. So, I'm not going to recover at this rate. I know I'm not making a lot of progress. I guess I'm hoping I'll come across some good ideas soon, and I haven't really tried anything. Also I'm not as motivate to quit FMO because it doesn't make me humiliated when talking to attractive women and it doesn't put my in crisis every time the PMO ends. I guess I don't have much motivation or a lot of a plan.

    NoA

    I think that going to sex addiction meetings and reading about sex addiction is arousing me. I'm not sure though. I get temptations to FMO whether or not I'm going to meetings or reading posts on the WWW. Otherwise, I've been doing NoA except when I fantasise sexually. I am so filled with or saturated with sexual thoughts and desires that I think I can't stop FMOing as it is, or even be at peace or calm when it comes to dealing with other people.

    Rat Park

    Rat park is my attempt to make my apartment a pain-free dwelling home with lots of good and creative things to do. This is to keep me from PMO or FMOing. I think I am about halfway to making a good rat park for myself. Here are some things I have done:
    • I have two computers (I like computers a lot)
    • I have a TV with a VCR and a DVD player
    • I have Netflix and another streaming service
    • I have four video game consoles, all somewhat old (I don't play them that often)
    • I have nice carpets for two of my areas in my apartment
    Here's some things I need to do to get rat park going in my apartment:
    • Make it easier to go to parks regularly for fun
    • Remove a lot of old computer parts
    • Clear stuff I don't need out of my bedroom
    • Get dining room chairs
    • Get on better terms with neighbours so I'm not afraid to go out of my apartment
    • Get a couch/futon, a desk, and a bed
    To-do

    I don't really know. Maybe I should ease off reading about sex addiction and also not go to meetings much for a while.

    One final note, I'm half done eating my cake and I think it was a good idea to reward myself for 150 days clean.
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2020
    Doper likes this.
  2. badger

    badger Active Member

    I attended AA meetings for 40 yrs. after I got sober, on my own, AA never seemed to help me. it's great for some, not for me. anyway, I had been sober about 10yrs and went back to an AA meeting, that is the only time I would think about drinking is when I attended AA meetings. just my 2 cents worth.
     
  3. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    Right, because it might keep your mind focused on the problem, instead of your future goals. It's the same as this site. I think everyone should try both ways and see which works best for them.
    As an aside, I think a lot of the stuff AA talks about is scientifically debunked nonsense, and does little to help the addict become anything more than a dry drunk (a person that might go 40 years without a drink but still yearns for it all day so has to go to two meetings a day).....that's far worse than just staying a drunk. I think actually learning about the science of addiction is the best way to get away from it....and then, after that, not thinking about it at all as much as possible, and focusing creating a new life.
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Posting because I haven't posted in a while.

    Badger, Doper, thanks for your input to do with AA.

    Status

    Only 1 FMO since last. No P.

    I finished my cake. I think the plan of rewarding myself for 150 days no PMO worked, although it was pretty late. Eventually, I should get another cake to reward myself for 400/365/350/300 days clean.

    I've been practicing NoA still, except for one time when I looked up a celebrity (but I didn't see anything sexy). I guess that's a minor slip.

    I went to a hangout for the SLAA sex-related 12 step fellowship. I attended my first SLAA meeting yesterday. I feel better and I don't want to FMO. Maybe the SLAA fellowship is much healthier than SAA, or at least it works better for me. I think it's helping me not FMO.

    Another thing that's going on with me and FMO is I have been trying not to have fantasies that I couldn't manage in reality or are immoral. This really cuts down on the fantasies available to me, but I still have enough left to keep going strong.

    Rat Park

    I still think I need to make my life more like a rat park with a good apartment, the ability to go out and interact with others freely, and have friends and maybe one girlfriend at a time.

    To-do

    Get rid of a lot of stuff in my apartment and get furniture to make it more rat park-like.
     
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  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P, F, M or O since last. I think attending SLAA meetings is making it possible for me not to FMO. Attending online meetings there seems to have done me good. I'm about 3 days clean of FMO. I think I'm getting the love I used to fantasise about getting in an FMO from SLAA instead. I dismissed SLAA a long time ago, but I appear to have been wrong to do so. It might be exactly what I need. (SLAA is slightly different fro SAA.)

    I feel my sex drive returning somewhat. I think just a shapely girl in form fitting clothing would make me want to masturbate at this point. It makes me feel better to know this.

    I'm going to keep going to SLAA, but I think I need to keep participating here and make my rat park, too.

    To-do

    Get counselling. Rat park.
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2020
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No FMO or P since last. I think I should get a sponsor in SLAA or some other sex 12 step fellowship. I think I might need to do the 12 steps to be able to go without FMO and get my pre-frontal cortex back. (And get my executive function, long term thinking, planning, right and wrong centre and other things back.)

    I went and looked at women in bathing suits again. I feel like some of it did me some good, though some of it was very lustful and definitely didn't. I'm not sure if a little is harmful. I stopped before long.

    I'm feeling better despite the small discomfort of no ejaculation. I seem to be more available to go and do things on my to-do list. I think it's no PMO/FMO that's arranging that.

    I read a little of NMMNG!. I'm in the section about having good sex. I don't have a marriage partner so I can't practice much of it but it was fun to read. I still feel like it's got my number, and I'm way too much of a Nice Guy.

    I called and got on a waiting list for counselling.

    To-do

    Reward myself a bit with TV and food for getting counselling set up.
     
  7. badger

    badger Active Member

    Nuclpow,
    i was in AA for over 50yrs. did not keep me sober. i am not knocking 12step programs. it helps many. maybe it was just me. i have written on another post about my experience in AA. again it helps many people. maybe i'm just not the type to follow the program. after a while the meeting just become drunk a logs, bragging, gossip. i need to rely on myself to stay clean. what am i going to do when i can't reach my sponsor or go to a meeting. many, many times those were excuses for my relapse. i tried 12 step with porn, has not worked either. for me it has to come from within. this forum is great to vent. but in the end it is i who chose to act out or not. simple but not easy. i truly believe i have to change myself to quit porn. working on it on a daily basis. today, thanksgiving i am grateful i have not used pmo. just my 2 cents worth. thank you for your posts, i have learned so much from them and give me great inspiration. never give up.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Be careful not to make it a too negative lable for yourself. We're human, we're living, and that means we're in a natural process of learning.

    Awesome that you got yourself on that list!!
     
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  9. badger

    badger Active Member

    Doper,
    i like your "focusing on creating a new life"-that is exactly what i am doing. for me i have to be who and what i want to be. when i figure that out the new life will automatic rise from the actions i take. so i am working on myself-porn free. developing healthy coping mechanisms and habits. anytime i am going to do or say something-i ask myself. is this in line with who i want to be? if not-don't say it or do it. of course easier said than done since we do and say 95% out of habit. i have to slow down and think before i react. not easy but working on it. hardest thing i ever had to do. for there to be a new me, the old one has to die. thanks for the input. hang in there-i am.
     
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  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P, about 2 weeks no FMO. It seems to help a lot to go to SLAA/SAA meetings. I even participate in them, talk, and talk to others. I think I need to go every day. I think I'm making friends there. This is the longest I've been without M in at least a year, maybe several.

    It's not surprising that a lot of you don't like AA-style groups. YBR as a forum isn't oriented to it. But I think I have deeper sex addiction issues than just internet porn, so I think SLAA/SAA are appropriate for me.

    To-do

    Reward myself a little for going to the S*AA groups and abstaining from M. Maybe movies and TV would be enough reward for now.
     
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  11. badger

    badger Active Member

    hey Nuc,
    it's not that i don't like AA meetings. actually i did for many years. they just did not keep me sober. it's not the program, it's me. i still use or rely on hundreds of advice i heard in meetings. like you, i believe i have other issues than just internet porn. i question my sexuality sometimes because of the type of porn i needed to get off there at the end of my viewing. very shameful. guilty. dirty. i know i could never discuss such issues at meetings. this forum seems to help me more. it is not for anyone to judge what is appropriate or not for anyone. whatever works. i am desperate. i am not getting any younger and sex with my wife of 42yrs is non-existent. she tells me sex isn't everything to make me feel okay after my many ED attempts. besides the sex, i need to feel normal. haven't in years. thanks for helping me. hanging in there.
     
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  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    @badger, if I'm helping you that's fantastic. I don't know any advice for you except to keep refraining from P and MO. Yeah, I'm going to keep going to the SLAA/SAA groups, and keep reading and posting here, too.

    Status

    No P, no FMO in I don't know how long, about two and a half weeks. I'm feeling a bit down because I haven't had an O in a while, but I'm reminding myself that this is what I have to do to get rid of PIED. I also remind myself that my O during FMO is not that great and kind of sucky. My FMOs don't feel that great, it's a drag. I think this forum an the 12 step groups are helping me keep up the willpower to abstain from FMO.

    To-do

    I'm gonna keep refraining from FMO. I'll have to reward myself with a cake if I go without MO for a certain amount of time.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2020
    Gil79 likes this.
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I have to reset my counter to include M and O now. Goodbye 423 day counter...
     
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  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P, F, M or O since last. I've caught myself having sexual fantasies a few times, but I stopped. I reminded myself that I needed to practice NoA. So I thought about what thoughts were the ones that were leading me down the road of sexual fantasies. I was able to identify them, and then I decided to avoid them in the future. I think that if I can strengthen this habit I can practice NoA long term and reboot from internet porn.

    Today I was laying around with nothing to do on a lazy Saturday afternoon and something happened: I felt at peace. It was peaceful and quiet, sure, with only some noises from the street coming in through my window, but I hadn't felt peaceful like that in I think years. I think it's from me abstaining from P and FMO, and maybe from me going to S*AA meetings. I could get used to this peaceful scenario, and I hope to do it more often in the future, ideally every day.

    Resisting the urge to FMO is getting slowly more difficult, and I'm getting more sexually desirous as I put off FMO. Ideally I'd get more support than YBR and S*AA meetings. I'm keeping my eyes out for new ideas. I know I still need to work on my Life Plan and make my apartment into a "rat park" (an ideal hangout for someone like me). I guess I'm open to the possibility of having sex outside of marriage.

    Life plan

    I was able to get rid of some computer parts about a week ago. I still need furniture and better tasting meals. Actually I can probably go a lot faster on getting rid of stuff.

    I was thinking of not disclosing the following, but a Life Plan is so important to quitting porn that I think I should post it. I've had the opportunities to get a couch/bed (futon) and a shelf but I turned them down. Now I don't know what to do, since I don't want to pay for it. Maybe key to me having a good life is me believing I deserve it, instead of believing that I don't deserve it. I should get my friends to help me on this.

    At least I have the streaming services, which really help.

    To-do

    Talk to my friends and supportive people about how I need to feel like I deserve good things again. Keep getting rid of stuff from my apartment.
     
  15. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I love to see all these AA/SAA/SLAA referencing flying about, 12 step programs have become a beacon of recovery for me.
    Last night I did service at my local NA meeting and I wanted to be more active in that community, alongside my SLAA group.
    I started going to NA meeting because a SLAA fellow mentioned it a few times and I needed to up my meetings for step work.
    I've attended practically all the Saturday meetings for the last 3 months (with social distancing of course) and some on Wednesday.

    The way I see it, you can't use when you're present.. you can't flip open your laptop and browse for porn when there's a dozen others around.
    And about the shares.. I can get distracted from attending SLAA meetings because when someone has a relapse, I feel empty handed ... it is a bit of a mind fuck.
    So going to NA really has allowed me to reconnect without having to deal with addiction, because in NA you don't mention your bottom lines or drug of choice.

    If you can't find a SLAA group you could attend a form of NA. One of the best things I have learned at NA is Just For Today. It is not about 4 days clean, it's not about 423 days, it is about staying clean for one day at a time. That day is today(sometimes, easier said than done - but the philosophy is simple and effective).
     
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    @Rengaw, thanks for your post. I think I'll keep attending SAA and maybe SLAA.

    Status

    I'm posting because I feel like I don't need to, which is always a bad sign.

    No P and no FMO since last. According to my counter I am at least 17 days clean of F, M, and O. I unintentionally saw pornographic cartoon nudity on Netflix yesterday, and I'm still working off the trigger a little bit. Edit: I marked it and the TV show that caused it to be recommended as thumbs down, and I'm planning on not watching the show anymore (except maybe one day when I'm not triggered by such things and I feel it's right to watch the show).

    I feel good, but a little strained from resisting the urge to PMO or FMO. I think it's slowly getting more difficult for me to refrain from P/FMO, and I don't really have a plan for if it gets worse.

    Life plan

    I had my toilet replaced yesterday which might help me feel more comfortable in my apartment.

    To-do

    Relax for a while, and still tell my friends I keep turning down things that are good for me.
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2020
    Doper likes this.
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I did some FM to porn memory and fantasy and sexual fantasies. It was a slip. This slide might have started up to a week and a day ago when I saw two sexy pictures of a celebrity I like. I left those pictures open and later looked up other sexy pictures of that woman. I thought I could handle the moderately sexy pictures, but I was wrong. It aroused me and I ought to have stuck to NoA.

    Maybe I'll just leave the non-sexy pictures open and look at them to unwind from being aroused and engaged in addictive behaviour, which gets all my hormones going. I guess I can look at non-arousing pictures, but that I really can't look at arousing ones. At any rate it was still a slip and set me back a few weeks or so.

    My willpower was working for weeks though without major problems before this. I kept turning down looking at sexy pictures and sexual/porn fantasy easily for weeks. I seriously think my willpower might have increased. Am I starting to rewire?

    Life plan

    I know it seems stupid to talk about how a new toilet changed my life a little but it did. I use it every day after all.

    The next step is still to get rid of old computer parts and then get more furniture.

    To-do

    Keep posting here. I probably shouldn't browse Imgur, that's what's triggering me. It wastes my time, too. But for some reason I'm having trouble doing it. Maybe I should remove Google Chrome because I use that browser for Imgur.

    I'm going to keep going to SAA and SLAA meetings. I seem to need them.
     
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  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No, P F M or O since last, but I've been breaking the NoA instruction a lot. Today I was looking at sexy pictures of young women, and yesterday, too. I don't know why I am (because I still feel like this) willing to throw away weeks or months of progress on a lark. I keep wanting to look at revealing pictures and videos. I haven't felt like this since I was still looking at porn over a year ago. I don't know why it's back, but I intend to try to come up with some kind of solution. In the mean time I'm turned on and I have to burn off some sexual energy.

    In the mean time I feel like my willpower and clarity of mind are sabotaged from the boobage and skin I saw today.

    NoA

    I think I haven't convinced myself that I need to practice NoA. I need to practice it in order to quit internet porn and reboot from it, but I also need to practice it because that's just the grown-up thing to do. Getting aroused when I can't have sex is a waste of time at best, but more likely a cause of sexual frustration (and loss of sexual purity).

    S*AA

    I had my first step meeting with my stepfather as sponsor. This might lead to a lot of progress with my sex addiction, so I can practice NoA, so I can reboot from internet porn.

    To-do

    In the short term try talking to people on the internet to see if that reorients my mind away from sex. Keep participating in S*AA and talking to my sponsor.
     
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  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    It’s exactly as you say it. Those small moments of exposure to sexually stimulating material sabotage your willpower and clarity of mind. If you don’t stop it here and now, it will grow out of control and eventually lead you back to a relapse.

    If you’re already triggered and took small steps on the path of arousal, you can’t just simply say: “I won’t do that anymore” without cleaning up your mind, so to say. For me it really works to pray, confess to God what I’ve done and speak out that I don’t want that and break with that behavior and those images. It’s important you find out what works for you. It might be prayer, it might be rethinking and writing down your goals, it might be meditating, it may even be a hike in nature or a big workout.

    Don’t sit idly by while arousal is hyjacking your brain and steering you towards a relapse.
     
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  20. badger

    badger Active Member

    i agree with bought with blood. i didn't relapse when i actually MO'd. the relapse started back when i started sneaking in peeks at dirty pictures or for me youtube. whenever that was-a day, an hour, a couple of days ago. i need to be extra vigilant what goes in my mind through my eyes. for me it just snowballs until i am back watching hardcore stuff. hang in there.
     
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