I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. Tatonno54

    Tatonno54 New Member

    HI! I'd love to live in such city.
     
  2. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Good job on 350 days

    About the thoughts. I know it feels impossible but it just needs practice.

    TBH, the fantasies will never stop but you'll get better and better with time fighting and ignoring them.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I'm still mildly triggered by the nudity I saw on TV last night. It was only cartoon nudity, though gratuitous. I keep wanting to remember it and masturbate to it so bad. So far I haven't, though. I listened to the radio and played a video game, which helped get my mind off it for a while. I also did a few minutes of fantasising.

    I think I can't take nudity more than once every 2-3 months, especially if I perceive it as gratuitous. I guess I'll have to be careful watching Netflix. (And maybe music videos too, not a lot of nudity there, but a lot of sexualised dancers.)

    I read some YBOP pages on sexual fantasies, and I've been trying to turn them down, to some success. One article referred to sexual fantasies as his "Happy Place", and I think it's that for me, too. I should make a new Happy Place which isn't sexual. Maybe it should be my Life Vision.

    There, I just worked on a life vision file, and at first I want to clean my apartment more, like I planned last week.

    To-do

    Keep not being hard on myself. Refrain from masturbating and reward myself later.
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    @Shady, thanks for your encouragement, I am thankful for it.

    Status

    I don't know how long it's been since I Oed, but temptations to MO are occurring to me a lot today. I think the trigger of the gratuitous TV nudity has worn off. (Almost all nudity is gratuitous to me. I'm very sensitive about sex and nudity. But nevermind that now.) I keep wanting to MO to reward myself for not masturbating, or generally being good lately. Normal rewards don't work on me because my brain is addicted to internet porn, so it makes sense that MO is the only reward my brain wants me to do.

    I've already listened to music, watched TV and movies, and gone outside today, so maybe I'll try just resting and seeing if that makes the impulse to MO go away. Plus I'll continue taking my medication that lowers my sex drive.

    To-do

    Don't give in to cravings to M. Try just about anything that doesn't involve sex or pornography.
     
    Shady likes this.
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Still no P, M or O. Some F, but it was only for minutes and I didn't M to it. The urge to masturbate occurred to me a lot, though. I think my resolve is weakening. I keep wanting to reward myself with a wank, for not wanking. Impossible yeah but that's what I keep thinking.

    I joined in on a Sex Addicts Anonymous online meeting yesterday. I feel like I have a lot in common with these people, and I intend to join in on more meetings. I am not just addicted to internet porn, I had sexual compulsive issues before that, so maybe I'm a sex addict too, or at least what they would call one. Maybe I should do the sex-related recovery fellowships and YBOP and this forum too. I feel better confessing this

    To-do

    Do something to take my mind off the urge to masturbate, maybe play video games.

    Edit: I played video games for a few minutes and now I don't have the impulse to masturbate or to touch my genitals. I guess this works as a fix at least some of the time.
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2020
    Shady likes this.
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P, M, O since last, and very little F, if any. Woohoo! I don't feel great, but I feel a little bit like a boss or "alpha" for refraining from fantasy and masturbation. On the other hand I still feel a little crappy and I think my balls are uncomfortable from lack of release. Maybe I should buy myself some food treats to help boost my mood.

    I've attended 3 SAA online meetings. I think they're helping give me the willpower to refrain from F and M. I think posting here helps give me that willpower, too. I guess I intend to attend more meetings, and maybe even join SAA forever. I think I have other sex addiction problems than just internet porn.

    All that said I feel like I am on an emotional high that's giving me the will power to refrain from M, and that I'm going to run out eventually. It's easier for me to abstain from porn than from masturbation. I have before, when I first discovered YBOP, refrained from masturbation for months, which wasn't fun. Later I found that refraining from MO for 1.5 months seems to be the limit for the sake of my well-being, and it seemed okay to MO once every month and a half for two minutes to a single sexy or naked image in my mind (not porn or porn fantasy).

    I am worried that this is what I have to do to recover my pre-frontal cortex and recover from addiction to internet. I'm worried because it seems like a lot of discomfort and pain and I don't know if I can do it. Maybe a shortcut is to have a girlfriend/wife have sex with me or masturbate me, and I could recover from porn that way. That would be fun and enjoyable, too.

    To-do

    Reward myself with some sweet foods and television. Continue to take it easy on myself, I'm doing well.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P, 1 FMO. I think I got triggered mildly from reading the SAA literature. It had a lot of descriptions of sexual activities that could be addictive and how to prevent them. On another document it suggested that masturbation, even to fantasy, would be a perfectly okay, even encouraged activity. I think the main cause of my slip was it just being a long time since I MOed and me not having a lot of willpower.

    Still, I want to participate in SAA more. I think I might have exactly what they are trying to help with. Edit: At least I read those two documents yesterday. It was good work for recovery.

    I found that turning down fantasies seems to have worked. For a day or two after turning them down they hardly occurred to me at all.

    To-do

    Still go easy on myself. Talk to people from SAA about the literature that triggered me and attend a meeting.
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2020
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P, at least no new P consumed. 2 FMO. I am not doing well in quitting masturbation or porn/sexual fantasy. I did two FMO yesterday and started to do one today. It only stopped when I prayed to God about quitting sexual fantasy and porn, and I decided after that that it was probably wrong and wrong to God for me to continue. I kept thinking about what fantasies not to have, and then I was fantasising those fantasies. I guess I know better and I have to turn down fantasies when it comes up like that, too.

    SAA

    I attended part of another online SAA meeting. I think it's making things worse in the beginning, because the literature keeps mentioning sexual stuff. Another thing seemingly coming out of SAA is the idea that I am enormously sexually repressed. I don't know why I think this is coming out of SAA, it's just a feeling. I think it might be true. I may have been unreasonably cruel to myself trying to prevent myself from looking at porn or masturbating.

    But the group is about having a healthy sexuality, and part of that is probably having regular sex and being open and creative with it. This scares me a little. Maybe in the short term it won't help me quit porn, but maybe in the long term it'll help me get healthier and both quit porn and have a healthy, active sex life in the future.

    To-do

    I'm going to keep going to keep trying to pray to quit sexual fantasies and to keep going to online SAA meetings. I am also playing a puzzle/strategy video games to help me recover my pre-frontal cortex, and playing action games seems to help distract me from PMO, too.

    Take care fellow rebooters.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P, M, or O since last. Some F. Resisting has been easy the past 1-2 days. I think it's because I prayed to not have F or M and maybe because I've been attending the SAA online meetings.

    I still think quitting F and M (at least M) are required to quit internet porn addiction and regain my pre-frontal cortex, but I don't seem to be able to use that as motivation to quit F and M. I guess the rewiring is too far in the future for my handicapped brain to go with as motivation for quitting M. Even though in my pre-frontal cortex are my right and wrong centres and my thinking things through and planning centres and my impulse control and all the other good things, things that make me human and a good person. I don't know why this isn't enough motivation.

    Anyway, I'm hoping that SAA will help with me feeling saturated with sex and sexuality, and being preoccupied with it, and then maybe I can give up sexual fantasies and M, in order to rewire my brain.

    Filtering

    I still have filtering on all my computers, and I think it helps even if I'm not tempted to look up porn very much anymore. But I've been tempted to look up sexual stuff on an alternate Web browser which has a private browsing mode. I guess I can look for a private begone-like extension on all my other computers, though.

    Life plan

    It's still my life plan to get rid of old computer parts, make more room in my apartment. I think that will help me move on to the next thing in life.

    To-do

    Keep considering whether or not I can have sexual fantasies (which heavily overlap with written porn I've read), keep going to online SAA meetings, and take some computer stuff to the recycling place.
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P, F, M or O since last. I've been four days away from sexual fantasy, which is good. I think going to the SAA meetings is helping me abstain from F.

    I passed 365 days no porn recently. It still feels very nice to have not consumed porn recently. I don't feel stupid or ashamed in front other people anymore, and I'm not seeing disgusting and horrible things that I hate. I wish I had accomplished more over the last year, but quitting porn is one of the biggest accomplishments in my life, so at least I did that. I also am starting to like a girl, but I don't want to write too much about her here for her privacy.

    SAA

    I intend to keep going to online SAA meetings, maybe once every two days. I also may attend Jitsi (video meeting) meetings of a nearby group when I feel up to it. I am trying to get rid of the constant feeling of being saturated with sex and having thoughts and thinking about sex fill up my whole being, that's why I'm going to SAA. And it seems to be helping me not F.

    To-do

    Reward myself with food and TV and movies. I've been good lately.
     
  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    One year! That's really great man!
     
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  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    FMO relapse. Here is a list of things I did wrong that lead to it:
    • Watching an R rated movie with a lot of nudity in it
    • Watching a sexy music video over and over again
    • Reading a lot about a sexual movie
    • Sexually fantasising regularly
    • Being extremely tired
    • Giving up and going to get my sperm cloth (yes I'd like to get rid of the thing eventually too)
    I was crazy to keep looking at the R rated movie after it had nudity. I'm an internet porn addict and maybe a sex addict, it's insane for me to look at lots of movie nudity. I ought to have turned it off. I kept assuming that nude scene would be the last, though. I guess I can't do that in the future. It looks like I can't watch any movie nudity, at least not until my brain heals and I get sexually sober.

    I'm also in the habit of fantasising almost whenever I want to. I'm not seriously trying to quit it. I do it the most when I'm in bed. I don't know how I'm going to quit it. Maybe SAA will help.

    I'm glad I wrote the list of things that I did wrong. When I look at that list it's no wonder I relapsed, it's obvious. It looks like the main thing I need to do to stop relapsing is to block thoughts on thinking about sex all the time, and run from whatever makes me think about nudity or sex. Maybe SAA can help with that, too.

    Thanks for reading, YBR people.
     
  13. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Keep going. Don't let this derail you.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P or O since last, only a tiny amount of F and M. I feel pretty good. I think I've been doing well because I attended SAA meetings and because I've been avoiding thinking about sex or anything relating to it. I think I'm still somewhat attached to my fantasies, though. I've also been catching up on sleep, which might be helping with my self-control.

    I think I don't have my pre-frontal cortex back, or even close to it. I met someone in SAA who told me I had to refrain from all sexual stimuli to recover, which is exactly what we say around here. So I guess I'll have to put off or ditch my sexual fantasies. Maybe I'll try to think of what I'll say in the next SAA meeting instead of having a fantasy. It'd be nice if I could do something else I like in place of sexual fantasies, too, but I don't have any ideas except to write down the non-sexual parts of the fantasy and see if I can make a story out of it.

    To-do

    I already rewarded myself with a lot of food, but I think I should keep rewarding myself. I've been good.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P or O, but some F and M. It's just half an hour since my last post, but I felt it would be helpful to post again. I just did a little FM, based on textual porn I've read. Even while I was posting my last post I knew I wanted to and that I might.

    (I don't know why written porn is staying with me and tempting me more than regular porn, but I read that porn text over ten years ago and I still remember it. I don't remember hardly any visual porn, despite the huge amounts of the stuff I consumed.)

    I don't really have a plan for avoiding FM at this point, but I figure I'll keep writing here until the temptation passes. I have not acknowledged to myself that I have to abstain from F, especially porn-inspired F, in order to reboot and recover my pre-frontal cortex.

    Okay I feel the temptation has passed, for now.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No P, M, F or O since last, but I looked up some textual porn that I've liked in the past. Fortunately my search engine was in safe search mode and it didn't come up. Most importantly, I should note that the temptation to look up porn has been occurring to me more lately, and that I've come close a couple times. Today I finally did it, but porn didn't come up because of the safe search. I should have mentioned here earlier that these temptations were occurring to me. It's like my porn addict self has adjusted to all the blocking and filtering I have in place, and is starting to find a way to work around it, because it wants porn again. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Maybe I can try limiting my internet access again.

    Thanks for the like @Thelongwayhome27.
     
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  17. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    To be honest it sounds a little bit like you may be in the ''orange zone''. I remember when I was 90 days without any porn around the beginning of 2020 (but I had some other O's during those 90 days) - the lure of porn slowly came back to me in a nostalgic way. Until in the end I gave in. It's cool that you catch yourself having the thoughts and being able to express it I think. What to do about it ? I think now is the time for you to find a way to recommit somehow.

    I think filters are a good thing if they work well for you but you may want to try to remember the deep reasons why you believe your life is better without P in it. Perhaps make a list ? And try to find the really personal answers that you believe in. Maybe also look at them in a perspective of what you gain from not using P rather then what you loose when you use it (It's not that I become socially anxious when I PMO ----- phrase it instead as = If I don't PMO I feel more like socializing with people). I hope this helps a bit.

    Perhaps another idea : what actions can I take, in accordance to my life vision, that will increase my self esteem and as a result directly decrease my thoughts of using P ?

    Whenever I do something that fills me with self esteem, the thoughts of going to porn become so much weaker. Or the urges more manageable.
     
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  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I haven't heard that term before, but I think I know what you mean. I'm forgetting that porn use makes me feel bad, dirty and in crisis every time.
    I think you may have hit the nail on the head.
    I think I'll try this.
    I read your whole post (twice to be sure), thank you. It was very good. Thanks for the reminder to work on my life plan, too.

    Status

    I've been clean even from most sexual fantasy for four days. I am tempted to have sexual fantasies because they don't seem to have the bad consequences and crisis that looking up porn does. It might have long term consequences, such as keeping me addicted to porn and having me still have hypofrontality with all the symptoms of that. (The list of symptoms of hypofrontality is quite long, as I just read today.) But for some reason I don't really care all that much about recovering from porn addiction (just as long as I'm not looking at porn) and recovering from hypofrontality. I think it's too long term and too far away to plan for. This is one of the symptoms of hypofrontality though, no long term planning. I guess I have just to make myself do it, so I can recover from porn addiction.

    Plus I'm just plain lonely, and it helps fill the emptiness.

    To-do

    Write a list of reasons I want to abstain from porn again. It would be okay to check up on previous reasons I listed for this and see if they still apply.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I meant it as in approaching dangerous territory. Flirting with the idea of using. I didn't say "red zone" in order to not be too alarmistic lol.

    But I was projecting similar feelings I have had when I had been on a good run. Perhaps you're not as close to a relapse as I was at that point. But I just thought that indeed the way to navigate such moments is to find a way to "recommit" without having to go through the motions of a reset.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Six days clean from P, F, M, and O. (Edit: Actually over 365 days clean from P.) I feel pretty good. I've been sleeping more often at night recently, too. I don't know if it's related.

    I've been turning down the fantasies when they come up over the past few days. I am using as motivation quitting porn and getting my full brain back (including the pre-frontal cortex). I think going to the SAA meetings regularly is helping give me the motivation to abstain from sexual fantasies. I've been going to one online meeting about every two days. I think it's helping my life.

    NMMNG! book

    I read a little more of this book recently. I'm now at the chapter about getting the sex you want. It's not triggering me. I seem to have the vaginaphobia the book describes, though. Oh, well, it'll be nice when I can be free of porn and sexual dysfunction and free of Nice Guy-ism and can just have happy partnered sex. I think this book is helping a lot.

    Reasons to quit porn

    I was reminded by @Thelongwayhome27 to make a list of reasons to quit porn again, because I may have to restore my motivations to quit porn because my momentum might be running short. I had a look through the last few pages of my journal but didn't find a list, and I want to make another list anyway. (I'm glad myself and others wrote clearly on my journal so I can use it as the foundation for my reboot.)
    • I think porn is wrong and it does me moral harm to consume it
    • I feel bad and guilty when I'm doing it and I don't enjoy myself much
    • I am in a moral crisis every time after consuming porn (the crisis ends when I admit I was wrong to view porn and I resolve never to do it again)
    • I have never, ever seen exactly what I am looking for (I think it's impossible and doesn't exist)
    • I see a lot of things that are disgusting and that I hate
    • It wastes hours of time, not including the moral crisis mentioned above, which takes even more time
    • Other people might be able to hear me watching porn and think I'm a degenerate
    • I program myself for unrealistic, impossible sex by masturbating to internet porn
    • I smell up my apartment from all the sweat and body odour from masturbation
    • I get overstimulated and stressed from viewing porn
    • I get guilty and anxious after having looked at porn
    • I degenerate the pre-frontal cortex of my brain with DeltaFosB and dopamine and reduces myelin sheath (gray matter), ruining my brain's moral centre, long term planning, impulse control, will power, and just about everything else that lets me be human
    • I put off real life, such as employment, fun times with friends, or a romantic relationship
    I think that's a good enough list for now.

    To-do

    I seem to be doing pretty good at the moment. There's not much temptations to have sexual fantasies. I think I should put some thought into having more filtering, such as a Chrome extension to block its incognito mode. Also I should keep going to SAA meetings every few days.

    Edit: I put my two favourite search engines in safe mode and disabled incognito mode in Chrome on both of my computers. That should make it as safe as Firefox. They both have the same block list hosts file still.

    Thanks for your support, people who comment and like to my journal.
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2020 at 2:33 PM

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