I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    If you have any tips on rebooting pre-frontal cortex please share : -)
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Nothing I guess, I just have tips on quitting porn.

    Status

    No porn, 6 days since last FMO, 1-2 days since last M. I think one thing that makes me vulnerable to FMO is boredom. I have boredom now that I'm not looking at porn or masturbating whenever I want. I need a job or a volunteer position. I guess I'm posting to mark my progress and to avoid M today.

    For the future

    Try some positive visualising again.
     
    positivef likes this.
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn since last.

    I watched a movie with nudity in it (female of course). I didn't masturbate to it or really lust or ogle over the imagery, although I did look at the body parts. Heh. I don't think it triggered me, not like the last trigger I got with the naked woman in the science video. I edged once yesterday and FMOed this morning. I think it would have been better to keep my sperm rag in my laundry bin. I think leaving it out sort of gives me permission to FMO, so putting it away might be the main thing I need to do to quit FMO.

    Edit: I entertained a thought of looking up porn and I got repulse and grossed out. Which is nice, I guess. :) I didn't look up porn.

    Quitting FMO is probably going to be pretty hard for me. I am discouraged in life, which makes it very hard to change a comforting and long-running habit. With porn I am clear that I don't want to view it because I never find exactly what I really want to find, and I find a lot of awful things that I don't want to view. With the masturbation habit it is not so clear that quitting is a good idea, or that it really affects me badly. So I'm not really motivated to leave fantasy behind and to quit M. I'll have to rethink it I guess.

    Other problems helping me masturbate including lacking of things to do in life and boredom.

    I did some visualising about having a cuddle partner, but I don't think that helped a lot.

    For the future
    • Positive visualising
    • Get out of the house regularly
    • Try to find a replacement for my extensive sexual fantasies
    • Keep my sperm rag hidden and try to avoid masturbating
    • See if I can find something to occupy myself with during the day
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2020
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Still posting often because I'm trying to quit FMO.

    Status

    No porn, some edging since last. I put my sperm rag back in the laundry hamper. I have to leave it there. I think that's the way for me not to masturbate.

    I think I am not encouraged about rebooting because I'm not even sure it's possible for me. I don't remember ever being able to focus and plan real well. (Maybe I have a mental disorder or disability.) So, it's hard for me to imagine going back to a state I've never had. And so I'm discouraged about trying to reboot. At least I'm no longer doing 3 day binges on hardcore internet porn, all inappropriate and none of it what I was really looking for. What I'm looking for is not in porn, I checked. Maybe I should look for it at church or some other place where there's people.

    I did a slight amount of positive fantasising, which I think did me good.

    For the future
    • Positive visualising
    • Work on writing my life plan
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Posting just after the last post because I'm behaving badly at the moment. I went and downloaded bikini pictures/videos from peer-to-peer downloading technologies, one of which is very dangerous for porn. But fortunately I haven't seen any porn yet. I've deleted one of the peer-to-peer programs and I'm working on deleting the other one now.

    I think I was triggered by having gone and done laundry today and the pressure of going grocery shopping tomorrow. (I have social anxiety so these things are more difficult than average for me.) I was triggered to go and ruin my no-porn streak (not to mention my confidence and self-esteem) for a few days just like all my other porn binges. I guess I'm not over porn at all, but at least I closed those programs and deleted them instead of binging on porn. I also added the website of one of the programs to my block list, since I never use it for anything constructive. I also deleted everything I downloaded.

    It looks like I still have the dysfunctional stress circuits that porn does to you. That is, when faced with a difficulty I wanted to look up porn instead of solve the difficulty and proceed with my life. Maybe getting functional stress circuits back can be motivation for me to quit porn and masturbation.

    The movie with nudity I watched yesterday probably isn't helping me.

    Edit: I went and FMOed, which I didn't really have to do. I used "at least it's not looking up a lot of porn" as an excuse.

    For the future

    Look through my old entries for motivation to quit masturbation/porn.
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2020
    -Luke- likes this.
  6. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    It's good you didn't look at any porn. Seems your stress-circuit is still seeking visual stimulus. I try to cut that off at the root.
     
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  7. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @nuclpow when these thoughts begin creeping in, you need to go get busy until they're gone or subsided a little.
    From experience, I'm telling you that willpower is never enough.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    It's been about a day or two since any M, so I thought I'd post to celebrate and keep my motivation. I took out my sperm rag this evening but eventually put it away without using it.

    I met with a supportive person today who reminded me to have fun. He's right, and if I did I think it would put the temptation for masturbation way down.

    Edit: Did I mention I did a life plan earlier? It's a good short term list, I'm happy with it for now.

    For the future

    Have more fun, games or whatever, and not masturbation.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn or masturbation. I am losing my motivation not to masturbate. I'm not sure what to do about that. I am unsure that refraining from masturbation will heal my porn brain, although that's what YBOP and all you people say. I also don't want to have the fantasies that I have. They're definitely porn-inspired, and I wouldn't do them IRL and couldn't anyway. I'm going to try more video games instead of masturbation and see what happens.

    Life plan and fun

    I succeeding in playing a little games today, which helped me feel better.

    I think it's worth noting again that I wrote up a life plan a couple days ago, which is good.

    I tried to find some online games to play with my family but I didn't come up with much. At least I made an effort.
     
    positivef likes this.
  10. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    I think the abstinence from masturbation is to help speed the recovery process. But how it is necessary I guess depends on the individual. Although, obviously masturbating to a porn fantasy would be damaging. Some people are able to masturbate just from the sensation in the body without any fantasy.

    Are there any non online activities to do instead? Also, what kind of video games do you like?
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  11. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @nuclpow

    Sorry I haven't been posting here much of late. I realized I want to take bigger strides with my porn-sobriety before posting in others' topics and giving advice, which means I'm not going to offer much in this post (but I did post a video here a while back about porn-free masturbation; you may want to check that again if you feel like it).

    Perhaps one thing that would be useful is to give readers of your topic a better idea of what your masturbation habits are overall. Are there any noticeable patterns?: How long are your sessions? What time of the day do you usually masturbate? Are there some things that usually precede the relapse, like any emotions, thoughts, sensations, etc.? Do you always masturbate to fantasy? What type of fantasy is it (e.g. multiple women a session or just one person, visually realistic POV or unrealistic fantasy like behind the body shots, close-ups of genitalia etc.)? Are there ways that you could masturbate which wouldn't feel detrimental? I think there are many useful questions to ask yourself and reflect on to shed some light on your situation.

    Maybe giving a detailed summary of your habits, taking into account some of the questions above and other points you think are relevant, will help other members give you more useful advice. It may even help you recognize patterns you had never noticed. And if you aren't sure, you could try keeping records of your relapses with notes (digital or written). After a suitable amount of time, you should be able to recognize whatever patterns underlie your masturbation habits.

    Also, you've frequently mentioned your sperm rag, but why have a fixed rag to ejaculate into? Having this fixed object that you associate with masturbating (or maybe even porn use itself; did you use the same rag when you were PMOing?) might actually serve as a consistent trigger that reinforces the habit. I'm not sure, but you could just as easily use tissue or ejaculate into the toilet, and thus avoid having something in the house that repeatedly reminds you of masturbation and/or porn-use.

    316 days is still incredible though. Don't forget about what you gained from giving up porn, and keep it in mind if you ever do feel tempted to 'just take a peek.'

    Take care
     
    -Luke- and positivef like this.
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    It's okay, you have no obligation.
    Er, where? I don't remember it.
    I usually get the idea that I'd like to masturbate based on a sexual fantasy, or something me and one of my girlfriends did. At this point I can either go ahead and get my sperm rag (I know it's a gross term), or I turn it down and do something else. If I get my sperm rag sometimes I still don't masturbate, but if I do, it's usually just a few minutes of fantasy or imagination. Sometimes I just edge and put away the rag, but about half the time I FMO.
    I haven't noticed a particular time of day. I guess what normally starts the whole thing is something that makes think of sex, or a pang of loneliness. I'm also masturbating to fantasy or imagination, I can't even get an erection without it, which makes me think that I must have porn-induced ED. I usually fantasise about multiple women in unrealistic and immoral situations, I usually get the most out of imagining certain situations and not visually imagining private parts, although that's in there, too. I think if I masturbated only occasionally, and not to fantasy, once a week to once every month and a half, I could recover fast.
    I'm gonna try to continue to refrain from masturbation, but try to notice patterns like you suggested.
    Yeah, that's a good point. Maybe in the future I can get rid of it.
    I did accidentally view porn 3 times during this streak, but yeah the benefits to my mental health have been great. I'm a lot calmer, more peaceful, more reasonable and rational, less anxious, ashamed and guilty, more clear-headed, more confident and more sensible and have other advantages. I came close about a week ago to trashing my record but I came to my senses in time.
    Thanks.

    Status

    No porn or masturbation since last. I was pretty tempted by masturbation. I'm gonna try to find out my triggers like @NewStart19 says.

    I was having a sexual fantasy (without masturbation) and I kept thinking to myself that I'd rather have a relationship with one girl (even in fantasy) than many. Maybe this is the start of me giving up my fantasies.

    Life plan

    I'm still working on my life plan goal of having more fun and joy in my life. I think this ought to counter masturbation a lot. Yesterday I played some video games instead of masturbation, which was good.

    For the future

    Keep on with my current plan and try to imagine a healthy relationship with a woman instead of having sexual fantasies.
     
    -Luke- and NewStart19 like this.
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn. It's been almost 1 week since my last M. I feel a mixture of good and bad. I feel good that I've been on top of and in control of my own sexuality, and I feel bad because I haven't had sex in who knows how many years.

    I said I'd do positive fantasising, and I've been doing a lot of thinking about if I had an intimate partner and how I'd get one and what kind of sexual activity I'd allow myself to do with her. I think this is good, and I should join dating sites or put myself out there. I don't know how to have sex yet, though, since I can't get into a Christian marriage yet since I'm not a Christian, but I'm too Christian to have sex outside of marriage. I'll probably just do some outercourse. I'll keep thinking about it and see if I can either lighten up and have sex outside of marriage, or become a Christian and get married and have sex.

    All that said I should be careful when I think about sex because it makes me want to masturbate. I should reward myself for 6/7 days no M, but I don't know with what. I think I'll watch some cartoons and play some video games and see if that helps at all. If I keep up with the positive visualisation and the rewarding of myself for no M I might be able to get a good amount of time no M and recover my PIED, not to mention my fucking brain (pre-frontal cortex, etc.).

    For the future

    Keep at it the way I have been, keep turning down M, do lots of positive visualisation, reward myself a lot, go to counselling/therapy when I can.
     
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn. It's about 8 days since I last Med. I still feel bad and good at the same time. I feel good because I feel confident and energised, and I feel bad because I haven't had the fun or pleasure of masturbation for a while. I still feel tempted considerably to masturbate, and I still need something to do that's not sexual fantasies and masturbation. I guess I should get a job or a volunteer position if I want something to do.

    I posted to help me keep from F and M. Overall I'm doing well, though.

    For the future

    Keep trying positive fantasising and see if I can organise my life well enough to go out and be employed or volunteer.
     
    NewStart19 likes this.
  15. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @nuclpow

    Awesome job! Keep at it.

    One framing I think might be useful for your current efforts is to have no expectations for what the results may be. Aim for something like 2/3 months orgasm free and see for yourself what the results are. I know that on the previous page you mentioned abstaining from masturbating to fantasy as a way to regain normal functionality in your prefrontal cortex. But one snag I see you potentially having is not getting the results that you want and thus giving up on your efforts entirely (or worse, despairing that change ultimately isn't possible and reverting back to worse habits), without recognizing what you have gained in the process. I also think coming up with ways to refrain from fantasizing (with or without masturbation) will ultimately make the process a lot easier and may yield some additional benefits of its own. I hope you remember that you do have one lifestyle change that you can look at for reference, and that's your elimination of porn (you're getting close to a year too, which is very substantive). What changes occurred that you were expecting? What about changes that you weren't expecting? Which things didn't change that you thought would? I think using your experience of porn cessation and its results may help you keep your head above water so to speak as you navigate the open seas of a masturbation-free life.

    Just some thoughts I was having about your current efforts. Hope to hear more and more about what you discover along the way.

    Take care
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    @NewStart19, I think that was a very good post to my journal. I'm still thinking about it.

    Status

    No porn or M since last. I felt manly and in control and powerful for a while today because I was not masturbating. On the other hand I also got out my sperm rag. (I'm keeping it for now. I don't want to ruin any other clothes if I slip or do a good MO.)

    I just watched most of the new Your Brain On Porn video by Gary Wilson. It reminded me that porn addiction gives my brain low dopamine for any reward other than internet porn. So that's why it's hard to find stuff to reward myself with for doing chores. It'll be interesting to see how I recover since I've always had difficulties rewarding myself or doing things that I really didn't want to do. It was nice to watch the video when I had made a lot of progress quitting porn, it made me feel proud.

    To-do

    Positive fantasising and sleep.

    Edit: I got turned on by the Your Brain on Porn video and I looked up arousing things and edged. I was partially wondering what the point was to feel more manly but be all alone with it anyway, so why not masturbate?
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2020
    Shady likes this.
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn, but I have some arousing pictures open. I think I have prevented myself from looking at porn and MOing, but I have still given myself permission to look at arousing things and edge. If I keep doing that I'll go backwards in my recovery, and never recover, I think.

    I'm facing a little bit of stress in real life where I might be in conflict with some other grown-ups. I think that's what's making me want to look up arousing things an to edge. I also think I'm having trouble with my sexual maturity. I never got a chance to grow up an cope with women being sexy when I was an adolescent. Maybe I still have to do that somehow, now.

    I did a slight amount of positive visualising yesterday, so at least I did that.

    To-do

    More positive fantasising. Put off the grown-up stuff until my unconscious catches up and I can deal with it.

    This was kind of a lame post, but at least I'm not MOing.

    Edit: Went and FMOed, though the arousing pictures I viewed were part of it, too.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2020
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn since last. I carelessly saw nudity today. I was looking up pictures of a celebrity and the picture wasn't marked. I did some edging before that. I was tempted to M but I avoided it by doing positive fantasising. I imagined singing and wholesome activities like that and shortly after that I felt a lot better. So maybe positive fantasising can be my new habit instead of sexual fantasising.

    I can see why positive fantasising helps. It makes me think of having a half-decent life while the one I have needs work. Thinking about the negative parts to my life might be what's pushing me to masturbate.

    To-do

    Keep daydreaming instead of masturbating.
     
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn, but I watched a movie with nudity in it and later FMOed with worse than my usual fantasies.

    I've watched two movies lately with a lot of nudity. (A lot to me, anyway.) I'm sure I watched them somewhat or mostly for the nudity. I mean, they're interesting or enjoyable movies even without the nudity, but I think I watched them because they had nudity in them. My dopamine is low for everything without nudity. A movie having nudity in it makes it 5-10 times more interesting. I've got to rewire my brain so that normal things give me a normal dopamine reward, too.

    I may have to give up watching movies that I know have nudity in them. And I think I'll have to give up watching sexy music videos or anything else sexual or arousing. I guess I can take up reading again. I don't see myself having the willpower for doing this in the future, though. Ideally I'd go without internet access for a few days or weeks. I don't know how I'll manage that, though, since most of my TV and movies come in over the internet. I guess I can think about it.

    To-do

    Positive fantasising and imagining how to live without Internet access to rewire my brain to normal dopamine levels.
     
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn, but some sexual fantasy and masturbation since last.

    I am not doing well for quitting sexual fantasies and masturbation. I think I should give up on trying. Instead, I think I should work on not being addicted to the internet. I think that I am addicted to the internet even if not looking at porn on it. I think being addicted to the internet is a big part of why am having social problems and my low dopamine. I think I should try not to go on the internet without a delay and without a to-do list for what I plan to do on the internet. Ideally I'd get off the internet after finishing the to-do list, but I can't see myself doing that any time soon so I guess I'll go easy on myself and let myself stay on the internet.

    Do you guys get me here, that I'm probably addicted to using the internet pointlessly and way too much, and I think it's my next step in recovery, not so much sexual fantasies and masturbation? I think so, but at least it's worth a try for a few weeks.

    To-do

    Go easy on myself. Have positive fantasies. Do more things that don't involve going on the internet.
     
    -Luke-, Doper and Pete McVries like this.

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