I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn since last, 1 FMO.

    I still feel a lot better since confessing the non-consensual sexual thing with my girlfriend affected me. The temptation to FMO is a lot lower.

    NMMNG! book

    I wrote down three men to use as role models, and I told one about this whole thing. He said to go to multiple men for role modelling, otherwise you'll get messed up. So I guess I'll use all three.

    NoA(rousal)

    I am still embarrassed that I haven't been thinking about this as much as I should have. I think the key to my recovery is not "never look at porn" but "never get aroused except by a real woman you might be in a sexual relationship with". I'll have to be careful where I put my eyes on certain music videos, or I can leave the room entirely.

    For the future

    I still need to get counselling, but at least NMMNG! and confessing sexual things have helped me a lot lately.
     
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Still no porn since last. But, I woke up in the middle of the night with an erection and I decided to M to sexual fantasy. It was pleasurable just to have an erection, and for some reason I didn't want to let it go to waste. I don't know why it's so easy for me to FMO, I guess my mental resistance is small or non-existent. I feel much better since confessing the non-consensual sexual thing that happened to me (edit: earlier I said "I did", but that makes no sense, because it happened to me) earlier, but I'm still FMOing sometimes.

    NMMNG! book and other literature

    I read a little more of the book but I haven't done any of its instructions recently.

    I read a Christian Web page about masturbation and it looks like it said that Christian men can only stop masturbating if they confess it to other Christian men and then work on it together. That seems somewhat weird to me and since I'm not yet a Christian I'm not sure what to do. I would at least like to stop having fantasies that are impossible or perverse in real life. That would be nice, and I think I would masturbate less if it were so.

    For the future

    Just keep trying to stop masturbating and see what happens.
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2020
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn sine last. I did a little M to fantasy but I gave up on it. It's easier to stay away from M now.

    Last post I accidentally wrote that I had committed a non-consensual sex act. I meant one where a non-consensual act had been committed on me.

    For the future

    Keep on the way I'm going. I could be going faster, but slow and steady wins the race anyway.
     
    positivef likes this.
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Still no porn since last. At least there's that. I FMOed twice, I think partially because I got socially rejected by a fit woman slightly while I was out on a walk, and also just because I like women's bodies. I still feel a lot better since I confessed the non-consensual thing that happened (I was the one not consenting) during a sexual act one time, but my resistance to not FMO is almost nothing.

    I think I need to get out more. I know I got socially rejected (maybe, slightly) today when I went out, but I am thinking that if I go out regularly I will work up calluses to it and I will feel less confined, entrapped or imprisoned in my apartment, all of which seem to lead to more M for me.

    And I haven't had any likes or comments recently. Maybe I scared people off when I accidentally said I did a non-consensual sexual thing (it was actually something that happened to me), I guess out of nerves. I miss you guys, but if you don't come back my plan is to keep on trying to quit porn permanently and recover my pre-frontal cortex. And then be more sexually well-adjusted and get out there and have a normal life with a wife and kids.

    For the future

    Keep reading the NMMNG! book. Go outside regularly even if there are other people there who are being impolite to you. Enjoy the outside. Try to make more masculine friends like I'm sure NMMNG would approve of and get more male role models. I've got to get out of the house more, I think feeling imprisoned in here is the main thing leading me to masturbation.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2020
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I think it is really good that you posted that here. Clearly it has had quite an impact on you, but it seems that you have never really expressed this to others. Keeping things inside is not good. The same counts for yourself ;), so yeah, keep going out, even if it is just for a walk or to go for a run. Don't be afraid to be socially rejected. That hardly happens to people and is mostly our own erroneous subjective interpretation. I really like reading your updates, you're a very consistent and serious factor here on the board and I like to see your progress. Don't be to hard on yourself, please. Keep up the good work :)
     
    nuclpow and Pete McVries like this.
  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Sorry to hear that you felt that way. I don’t think you scared people off. Sometimes people just overlook posts because of RL things, or we read and forget to reply.

    Going outside more seems like a good idea. Don’t let fear of rejection keep you from it. The more you go out and socialize, the better you get at it and the more confident you become. You’ll then be better equipped to dust off any rejection you might encounter. You can’t click with everyone.
     
    nuclpow and Pete McVries like this.
  7. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @nuclpow

    I for one wasn't scared off by what you wrote. As @BoughtWithBlood mentioned, there are a variety of factors that can contribute to less traffic--or in this case likes--on your thread. Try not to get so caught up on how many likes you are or aren't getting. That can be its own form of addiction, and all you have to do is go over to a site like Facebook to find people worldwide hooked on whether they are getting enough digital attention for a new picture, video, post, etc. Not saying that you have this problem though.

    Just remember that you are the one who is successfully recovering (3/4 of a year without porn? fantastic), and hypothetically if a single person on this forum never again responded to your topic or liked your posts, your success with this addiction wouldn't be any less real. You had what it takes to make it this far, and you have what it takes to keep porn out of your life for the rest of your days. As for the FMO sessions you mentioned, do you honestly feel like they are making your life worse somehow? Setting some time aside to really reflect about how detrimental (or not) they are may help you better prioritize this issue (if it even is an issue for you). Have you tried masturbation to sensation alone? I have seen that offered as a one way to relieve sexual tension without relying on fantasy that might be porn inspired. Another option could be masturbating to scenarios that better resemble intimate sex you'd have with an actual partner.

    Wish I could have written the above a bit better. Had some rough sleep last night and the gears in my head aren't turning all that well. The main point I want to make is that I personally haven't blacklisted you or anything like that. I see you as an awesome example of someone who has greatly recovered and is trying to tackle some of the others problems in his life.

    As an aside, I've always wondered, what does nuclpow stand for? Nuclear Power?
     
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Whoa, I got a lot of likes and replies! I am not worried about being all alone on my journal anymore.
    Gil79, I liked everything in your post about telling people things, and getting outside more and I'm glad you enjoy my journal and that I'm serious. I guess I am serious. Thanks, I got a lot out of your post. I plan to keep going out regularly, not worrying about social rejection, and to keep being serious.
    Yeah, I feel better now about people reading my journal. Getting the occassional like or comment helped keep me motivated to do a good job on my posts (for my own benefit as well as others') and to keep posting here. Yeah, I plan not to let fear or rejection keep me inside. It's better to get rejected than to stay inside so much you're unhealthy, and besides, going outside is just pleasurable with the sun and the trees and the other green things and the wind in your hair. I think I might have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or if it's nonsense to give it a long-winded term, I'm highly sensitive to rejection and contempt and it can be one of the things I talk to my psychotherapist or counsellor about.
    Yeah, I'm over it, thanks. Yeah, I do look forward to getting likes, maybe if I was on social media I'd find it addictive. I think I am not interacting with IRL people enough and I'm looking to forums to fill the gap with the human interaction needs.

    Yeah, I should celebrate again when I get to 300 days. (I haven't yet for 150 days, I've got to get to that.) I am sooo thankful that I got this far.

    To masturbate or not to masturbate (continued reply to Newstart19)

    I agree I should put some thought into masturbation. Here's some of what I have so far:

    My fantasies are definitely inspired by textual pornography I read on the internet, and also I sometimes imagine breasts or whatever, and I think the image in my mind is most likely inspired by nakedness I've seen on the internet. I am thinking that due to the above reasons FMO, as I'm currently doing it, will prevent my full recovery (rebalancing my brain, to do with the frontal lobes and the limbic system) because it overlaps with porn way too much.

    However, despite me doing FMO most days for a while now I have not had much bad effects. If it's preventing my full recovery, that's a bad effect, but I can't prove it is (although I believe it does). Earlier rebooting efforts had me refraining from masturbation, white-knuckling, for about one month and three weeks, and then I'd allow myself a "good MO", where it was just to one porn fantasy image in my head and about 1:30 seconds of masturbation to orgasm. I liked doing it that way, it made me feel better about myself and I think it was the best way to quit PMO. Now, I don't seem to have the willpower to do that, especially seeing as how FMO doesn't seem to be causing bad effects except for a little sniffling and some lower quality skin.

    So yeah, I've gotta think about it. Quitting porn is not enough for me, I want my brain rebalanced, too. (And I'd like excellent-looking skin, too.)

    I can try FMOing to intimate experiences with a wife, keeping away all porn-inspired stuff as far as I can, as an experiment. I plan to try that.
    It was great!
    Wow, thanks! Yeah, I probably got overly attached to likes and comments. I think I can do better in the future.
    Yeah. I was thinking that if I quit internet porn and excess masturbation I would have so much energy it would be like I had a nuclear power plant inside me. It was meant to be encouraging.

    For the future

    Try and see if I can masturbate to sensation only, and then maybe to a wholesome fantasy of sexual intercourse with a fictional wife.

    Thanks for your support people.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2020
    -Luke- likes this.
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    New post right after my large last post.

    Status update

    No porn since last, but I am getting tempted to look up porn. (My filtering would stop me, if I don't turn it off.) I think it's due to increased boredom and spare time lately. And I think the increased spare time and boredom is because I've been feeling better recently. So anyway I'm getting tempted to look up porn and I don't really know what to do except to get out of the house more.

    Masturbation

    I spent sometime lying down (in my familiar masturbation position) thinking about whether or not I should masturbate. It made me have positive fantasies (no sex) of having a house and a wife and things like that. In short, I think I should spend more time lying down thinking about whether or not to masturbate. It seems to lead to wholesome fantasies that make me feel better. I'll repeat this experiment and let you know how it goes.

    For the future

    Keep up with the positive fantasies and meditation over whether or not to to masturbate, and also later try to masturbate just to sensation (to see if I can, too), and to wholesome non-porn fantasies. And also, fucking reward myself for 280 days clean. (I'm thinking a cake and a movie.)
     
  10. Joost

    Joost Member

    Thats a good thing. Your actual desires surfaced. However I don't think you should spend more time lying down thinking about whether or not to masturbate. You should spend more time simply laying down and relaxing. How about that?
    I think many of us should get out of the neurotic mindset, and simply BE. You're more than your d*mn mind.

    Joost
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yes, I should do exactly that! Thanks for reminding me that my actual desire surfaced. You've also reminded me that I should work on my life plan.

    Status

    No porn still. Yay! 2 FMOs, though.

    Masturbation

    I resisted masturbation for a few days (not sure how many). It made me feel good. I'd rather live without me masturbating if I can. I think I'd like to live without fantasies that wouldn't be normal or realistic in real life, too. (See also that C. S. Lewis quote we've posted here before.)

    I said that I'd try masturbating just to sensation, but I think that I can't get an erection without thinking of something sexual. I should still try this.

    Life plan

    I think my life plan is getting better because I have a little support team in my life (not counting you guys), and I think they can help me with my problems, and to get more of what I want out of life. I made a website for them to communicate quicker.

    For the future

    Fantasise about what I really want some more. Try masturbating to sensation only. Continue to relax.
     
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn. 2-3 FMO. I still want to learn how to quit porn and recover my brain and my penis.

    Masturbation

    People here suggested I try masturbating to sensation only. I have tried masturbating to sensation several times but it doesn't seem to work and I keep switching to having fantasies after it doesn't work for a while. I just don't get an erection unless I use imagination or memory. I can keep trying. I think the lack of erections means I haven't started to recover from porn (PIED).

    I think I don't want to masturbate to fantasies that I'm not proud of or wouldn't/couldn't do in real life. It's probably better not to have sexual fantasies intentionally unless I'm married and I'm just imagining some of the night, if she's willing. It's probably better not to masturbate, too, except for an emergency release.

    Rewiring

    I think I still need to convert my brain to liking normal rewards, friendship, novelty, food+water, sex, accomplishment in order to quit porn. I'm bad at living life and doing those things, which I think is slowing my recovery.

    For the future

    Keep trying to have a better life to help me recover from porn. Try to masturbate without fantasies and see what happens. Also reward myself for 150 and 300 days no porn. Have a big party for myself.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    If you can’t get erect from touch alone, it’s better to not M at all for a while. After a few weeks you can try again. FMO will just slow your recovery and keep the addiction pathways in the brain in place.

    M to (slow and gentle) touch alone, without the goal of O can be beneficial to help recover from PIED but only after you’ve gone through quite a while of no PMO / FMO. The mean reason it can be beneficial is becaude it teaches you to relax, be present and focus on the sensation alone. Even then if you can’t get hard. Just stop and try again a week later. Flatline can have an impact as well.

    I however found bonding with a real woman (cuddling / kissing / caressing ánd being open about possible ED) were the biggest contributors to curing ED. It is because ED also has a fear part attached to it. By being relaxed, in the present, honest, etc. You keep your mind away from the fear of rejection and you will be able to focus on the sensations, the touch of a real woman :)

    Hope this helps. It’s what has helped me.
     
    forlorn, Thelongwayhome27 and nuclpow like this.
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood, I read your whole post to my journal. Thanks for reminding me/explaining to me about PIED. I intend to try to do everything you told me.

    Status

    I've been about 4 days free of masturbation of any kind. I feel a little bigger and tougher, but it's just been 3-4 days so I don't know how long that will last. It has taken some effort to go without M and P these last 4 days, but not a lot. I'm gonna aim for the 2-3 weeks suggested in BoughtWithBlood's post.

    I hope this works, this could be the last thing keeping me addicted to porn and keeping me from recovering my prefrontal cortex. And I really want, I mean a lot, my pre-frontal cortex back, too. For the sake of full information, your frontal lobes (or pre-frontal cortex) are where your planning, impulse control and moral judgements and more reside. And I'd like to go back to being a valuable member of society.

    For the future

    Keep on keeping my hands off my penis. Try for the 3 weeks no masturbation and then try masturbation to sensation only, or at least see if I get any spontaneous erections.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Some M. I resisted for a few days but today the temptation to have a sexual fantasy was strong. I guess I have to come up with other things to do, because sexual fantasy leads to FMO which keeps my PIED and porn addiction going.

    For the future

    I'll try not to do any more tonight.
     
  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    FMO last night. I think my trigger is a high degree of loneliness.

    I am not sure I am motivated enough. I know I said I wanted my entire brain back, but my life is comfortable enough right now that maybe I don't care that much. Asking me to go without sexual fantasies and masturbation for 3 weeks or 3 months (or a year) is a tough ask. I also said I'd like to get rid of fantasies that I wouldn't or couldn't do in real life, but that's easier said than done, too. I don't want to, and I guess that will take motivation, too.

    For the future

    Try to think of rewards for me that will allow me to get rid of sexual fantasies and also masturbation. A girlfriend who's also a sex partner would probably do it, maybe I should think about what's blocking me from doing that (including religion). I guess if I'm religious I can pray about it and see what God wants to tell me. He probably wants me to quit porn, too. I'll try all of the above.

    I think this post has allowed me to stop or at least put off an FMO episode, so good.
     
  17. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    Very interesting.....Can you STAY hard just to touch, after getting an erection with fantasy?......I mean almost 300 days without porn, I'd say this shows that hard-mode is THE WAY to go. I'd wager that these cravings for sexual thoughts will go away the same way as porn cravings go away after not too long. You just have to go a couple weeks without and you will likely enter flatline. I assure you it will get infinitely easier with a bit of time. Then you can really heal and I bet you will heal fast. What time of day do these cravings come? at night? that ones hard if you have insomnia, but that is part and parcel with the addiction, it just takes some time (quite a long time unfortunately) in my experience for that symptom to go away. But if it's other times, just have to figure out some way to get around it, get out of the house or whatever.
     
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  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn since last. 2-3 FMO and one partial FM. I may be experiencing an extinction burst. An extinction burst is when you are quitting a habit (or getting someone else to quit a habit) and it gets a lot stronger at first before it starts to die away. I think I might be having this with FMO.

    I spent a few minutes recently imagining giving up my sexual fantasies, saying good-bye to them as it were. This might have helped a little bit. I want replacement fantasies, though, about having a real girlfriend and having sexual activity for fun with her. I have a disability, so I don't know if I'll ever get a girlfriend or a wife, so maybe imagining having one is a bad idea. Maybe I'm just setting myself up for pain. This discouraging point of view isn't helping me quit FMO, either.

    I came here to post instead of FMOing again. Who knows if it'll help.

    I browsed some titles on Netflix that have sexuality or nudity, bad habit because I know I can't watch those if I want to break my addiction to internet porn.

    Reply to Doper

    Yeah, 296 days no PMO but a lot of FMO in the mean time. I really didn't like looking at depraved and disgusting porn and feeling ashamed from it, so I just wanted to quit porn. I was going to quit FMO later. Who knows, maybe I'm starting to quit it now.

    I don't know when I'll try the staying hard to touch experiment. Right now I'm just trying to quit FMO (with emphasis on the sexual fantasies) and see what happens.

    Thanks for your post, Doper.

    For the future

    Figure out something to replace my FMO with and something to reward myself with for trying to quit FMO so hard. Maybe I should write out the non-sex part of my fantasies (I already talked about this here, but maybe it's a good idea).
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2020
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn. A few seconds of F and of M, nothing serious. It's only been one day and the temptation to M is rather high. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it, but I like how I'm making some progress in quitting porn forever.

    For the future

    Instead of F and M reward myself for abstaining from F and M. Maybe with movies and comedy TV shows.
     
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    I went and looked at photos of a woman in a bikini. Why did I do that, I know I'm trying to quit porn, sexual fantasy, masturbation, and even trying to avoid arousal. Well I got aroused, and now I have the urge to masturbate. I was thinking that because I liked the girl it would be a treat, and any arousal would be minimal and I could handle it. Well, it wasn't miserable, and I should know that I can't do anything that would even cause "minimal" arousal.

    I guess I feel better now.

    For the future

    Keep on trying to quit FMO. Don't look at sexy pictures even if you think they won't turn you on.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2020

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