I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @nuclpow I agree with @-Luke-.
    What did you do when she asked who this is? Did you tell her who you are? You should give it more time.
    And even if it doesn't work. Practice makes good.
     
  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I told her who I was. A few hours later she messaged me again, but I haven't read it yet, in the hopes of not letting myself get out of hand (get too excited) if it's positive.

    Thanks for your post, @Shady.
    I think it has done no permanent harm. But yeah, I feel good for having tried. Thanks, @-Luke-, I do feel brave.

    I think she'll still say hi to me when she sees me outside or whatever.

    You know how there's all kinds of talk about how to pick up women, how to get women to talk to you, how to get laid, how women can reject men and make them feel like street gum. Since sending her that text message I'm starting to understand all that now. It was yesterday and I still feel anxious from messaging her.

    All that said, I think I just want to hang out with her more often. I don't think she likes people like me romantically and I'm too old for her. Still, it racked my nerves just to propose talking more, because she's young and very attractive. Okay, I think I've talked enough about this for now.

    In other news, I lost my sperm rag when I did laundry yesterday. I wonder if this is a sign.

    Still no porn or masturbation since last.
     
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I can really relate to the emotions you describe around having initiated some kind of contact with that neighbor of yours.

    Well done on staying the course with porn and masturbation !
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2020
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  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I know what you mean. Several other people seem to identify with it to some extent, too.

    I reiterate that I just wanted to talk to her some more, but it felt like I was trying to get into a sexual relationship with her. And for that reasons it felt stressful and risky.

    I feel like I have a greater understanding on pop culture where people hit on women in order to get laid, and there's pickup lines and everything. However I was thinking of going the Christian approach and not having sex until married, in the mean time it takes the stress off of talking to women because you know you'll have to get married before you have sex anyway, and it'll take 1-2 years to figure out if you should get married even if you're meant for each other, which you probably aren't.

    Well, I read her text message and it said she thinks I have the wrong number. This means she doesn't want me messaging her, but I wonder if she'll still talk to me outside or in the hallway. It'd be kind of mean of her not to, but I guess I'd just deal with it.

    Yeah, I have been keeping clean from porn.

    Two nights ago I had the most pornographic dream I've ever had. I don't know what caused it. Maybe it was medication changes, maybe it was the adventure of messaging the girl from the building. Anyway later I did an FMO.

    Although I'm doing very well at abstaining from porn, especially PMO, I am not doing so well at refraining from MO or FMO. I think I've slightly improved on not having fantasies, but when it comes to resisting the urge to FMO I seem to give in usually in a few days.

    I don't know what to do about that last part or even if it's really necessary. (Even if I allow MO I would rather not allow FMO because it distances me from the real world and the fantasies are usually impractical if not impossible.)

    Stay at it, rebooters.
     
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  5. Doper

    Doper Active Member

    About the building girl. Women have to constantly deal with weird creepazoid men (adult children) doing weird stuff, stalking, obsessing....whatever to them. I'm far from some white knight male feminist, I'm just stating facts. A lot of dudes are weird as hell. I wouldn't think much of it, her freaked out sirens went off....false alarm.
    In the future, I might go about getting her attention in person. Unless you have not yet met the person (such as you are making first contact on a dating site or whatever) or you know them quite well, I'd always do it in person. Especially since you will probably see her at some point relatively soon since she lives in the same building.

    The thing about texting in this case is its kind of a half-stepping measure, like getting a friend to tell a girl you like her in school. Just step to the girl and say "wadda ya say we go for coffee sometime", or whatever it is you like to do. I dunno. And I guarantee the outcome would be different. Maybe not always 100% the outcome you want, but the girl won't be freaked out. Then it's just the guy (she's familiar with) from down the hall. NOT SCARY.

    It's the getting a text from someone they don't know (a number not matched with a name in her phone) out of the blue giving them any amount of compliments freaks them out as it kind of seems to them like the person on the other end of the phone may be obsessed with them. Put yourself in their place, they're smaller, the guy texting them might be a slasher. SCARY.

    Don't take that the wrong way though I think it's great you did that and I think you have probably the best journal on here and seemingly a hell of a lot more resolve than me. You're doing great. I'd definitely read the message sooner than later.
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2020
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Doper, I don't have the energy to answer your post at the moment. I'll try again later.

    Status

    I did another two FMOs, in addition to one a few days ago.

    I think the first FMO was caused by a really pornographic dream I had. I think the second FMO was caused by me ogling building girl, who was wearing revealing clothing, way too much. I think the third FMO was caused by a chaser effect and also ogling the gil too much.

    How to stop FMOing

    I have only a few ideas on how to stop FMOing. I can't use filtering in my mind. I feel like I don't have the energy, or maybe not the willpower, to try and stop myself if I get the idea to FMO. Maybe if I told someone the exact fantasies I have I would get too embarrassed to FMO. Maybe if I stated to understand that I can have real sex with a woman I find attractive that's creative, fun, and intimate I'll think about that more and about sexual fantasies less. What do you think?

    I for some reason can't imagine having sex with a real woman, I guess my self-esteem is low, or I lack a full sex education, or it's been so bloody long or I've been addicted to porn so long, that it makes it impossible for me to think about. Or maybe I don't think about it because I think it's a bad sexual fantasy and I'll be doing something wrong o slip back into FMOing. (Maybe this is one of those things a paid counsellor can help me with.)

    Yeah, maybe it's that last one, I think if I start imagining about having a wife and children I think I'd be doing something wrong. I could probably just use the counselling anyway.

    In the future

    Try positive fantasies again. Go to counselling.
     
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Sorry to hear about the confusing situation with the building girl. Texting just never works for these kinds of things. That is not because of how you texted or because it is you, but it is just because texting doesn't work. I have the feeling that it would benefit you greatly to have some help from someone on this front. Isn't there someone from church to whom you could express that you'd really like a partner, but have difficulties with finding or approaching someone and could use some support with this?
     
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I know what you mean.

    I agree that text messaging is like getting a friend to tell her you like her. I plan to keep going out outside, and if she seems comfortable, to talk to her, and ask her to a place for something to eat or drink.

    Thanks for your message.

    Thanks for saying I have a very good journal. I read her text message and it just says she thinks I have the wrong number.

    It might be partially resolve, but it's also disgust over the awful porn I was viewing and shame in front of other people after going on a 3 day bender. Prayer may have helped, too.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    It had not occurred to me to ask for help in dating. I'm not going to church too often, but there are other people I think I can ask. Thanks!

    And finally, with this girl, though she's attractive, I think she's too young for me. But I did want to talk to her more often, say once a week instead of once every 2-3 months and then maybe not much more than 'hi'.
     
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  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I can relate to the intense emotions that taking a step towards a girl that one has some kind of interest in, even in a "platonic" way, can unleash. Especially for folks like us. Even if things go well the emotions are very strong. I have also taken some steps out of my comfort zone in this respect as of late and it has rocked my boat !

    I was reading a journal earlier today and he said something that really hit at me so I'll post it here in case maybe it's helpful for you as well :
    I hope LTE does not mind me copying this here (since it's an older journal and he is not active now). He was referring to a passage form a book called "The Porn Trap".

    Whether this applies or not to building girl, maybe we need to remember it's important to take it slow. So maybe it can apply to another opportunity that may come up at some point. And if we keep the good path, there are more chances of opportunities showing up.

    For me it makes a lot of sense that I have to take it slowly. Because I'm prone to strong feelings of rejection (maybe some kind of trauma from past) and I also don't really know how to truly connect with another person. Especially if it's a girl.

    I was also reminded lately how even if having a relationship is something I want and wish for, first and foremost staying sober brings other rewards as well, which are worth keeping even if I don't have that relationship, at least not yet. Maybe it's one of those things "all in due time"...

    This makes a lot more sense for a person like me, then going to read some Red Pill !
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2020
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  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Whoa! Thanks for saying I might have the best journal on YBR, what a compliment!

    I'm not successful from resolve, it's more like fear and desperation and other negative emotions. Like fear over spending the rest of my life this way, or desperation to stop seeing awful porn that I don't want to see, or shame from unable to control my porn behaviour, or dread from socialising after binging and even my apartment and my body smelling because I was spending so much time MOing to porn and fantasy.
    I find it insightful that going slow with a woman takes the stress off, then it's not all about sex. I think I'd like to go to church and meet people and date and then get married, and then have sex. That takes the pressure off and the awkwardness of things being about sex is gone, too. Thanks for your post, Thelongwayhome27.

    Status

    Yet another FMO. This one happened after some feelings to do with setting things right in my childhood. I am not controlling myself too well as far as avoiding FMO. I don't have much of a plan either, but I still feel happy because at least I'm not consuming raunchy, awful porn.

    Sexual fantasies

    This is somewhat triggering, so if you're triggered easily skep the next paragraph.

    One fantasy I had was of me having sex with a (non-real) sister's best friend. That's not so bad, if I was a teenager. But, usually my fantasies are inspired by text porn I read on the internet, which has many stories that are quite illegal and immoral to do in real life. I don't visit that site anymore, but the ideas of the fantasies remain.

    Maybe I could try writing out my fantasies, or just the subjects of it, and then I'd be so disgusted that I wouldn't have them anymore.

    Meditation

    I haven't been meditating for a few weeks. I guess I lost motivation for it.

    Counselling/therapy

    I took some steps as far as getting counselling or therapy, probably both of which I very badly need. I feel positive that I might start this in a few weeks, but give me a break, unearthing all those bad emotions takes time, so I might be going slow.

    For the future
    • Try to have positive fantasies about how my life could be, not sexual
    • Use my imagination to write a story or something else positive
    • Go to therapy soon, or at least call people soon
    • Don't be hard on myself, actually reward myself in fact
    Take care, rebooters.
     
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  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    Blah, I triggered myself by looking at a nude picture of a celebrity (not marked NSFW). I saw breasts but not nipples. Yeah, I was looking at pictures of sexy and/or attractive women on the WWW again. Not a good idea for anyone, really bad idea for an internet porn addict like me. I wonder how to get rid of or replace this behaviour. Probably it should have something to do with talking with real people, probably men. I guess I can try to talk to men more often, we'll see what happens.

    NMMNG! book

    I've been reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book lately and it seems helpful to me. I'm at the point where it's talking about setting up personal boundaries. I'm not good at that, but I'm better than I used to be. The book seems to be helpful to me.

    For the future

    I think I'm a little overwhelmed. Whatever I said in the last post will be fine.
     
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  13. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @nuclpow

    Regarding your tendency to look for arousing pictures of women on the internet, have you noticed any pattern of what stimuli get you to carry out that behavior? If you have, you could try to put in place some precautions to reduce its frequency, or use some mindfulness to create a wedge between that stimulus and your normal response so that you can replace it with some other activity, like biking perhaps? Or playing the Wii? Which helpful habits have you been keeping up with/added to your life these days?

    It seems like reading is one of them. I remember before you bringing up how you’d like to read that book but couldn’t get around to it. Glad to see that’s changed! I’m trying to read more non-fiction myself. It’s a nascent habit for me, but I’m thankful for even that.

    Sorry to hear that you feel overwhelmed. If it’s any consolation, you’re not alone. I feel overwhelmed to varying intensities and frequencies on a daily basis still, but overall it’s gotten better.

    Take care, and I hope you learn some valuable skills and information from your book!
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2020
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  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I guess I get lonely. I had to think about that for a bit. You are right, the problem is that I go looking for arousing pictures. Sometimes I've searched for pictures and got someone covered from neck to toe in clothes, and I still liked it, but it didn't arouse me. Maybe I can still search for pictures like those? Also, when I start to feel lonely I can try something like contacting some of the people who are willing to talk to me. I can also try to make plans to have more friends and a family, that will help me not look at arousing pictures, i think. Thanks, @NewStart19.

    I went off a medication, which seems to have helped a lot. I'm trying to listen to music more it seems. I'm not sure I've been working on new habits recently.
    Thanks.

    Edit: @NewStart19, I think it was you who mentioned me in another journal as a person who was "beating" his addiction. I think that's a very reasonable summary and I appreciate your post a lot because it reminds me that at least I'm making progress, some progress. I feel a lot better not looking at awful porn regularly and that I might be able to quit porn, finally, after over 20 years.

    Status

    No porn since last but I FMOed again. I don't know what inspired it, but I didn't even try to resist. Maybe I'll try my idea of writing down my sexual fantasies so they are shown to be so ridiculous I won't have them anymore.

    No More Mr. Nice Guy! book and counselling/psychotherapy

    This book still seems to be accurately describing me. I'm reading a section about how we Nice Guys often have unhealthy, "monogamous" relationships with our mothers and I think he's describing me again. I think I should continue not talking to my mom for a while, I think I have a somewhat close or even incestuous relationship with her, and that is destructive to me but appalling to my porn quitting effort.

    This is also something I should bring up with my counsellor/psychotherapist, but I don't have either of those yet.

    For the future

    Write out my sexual fantasies, try to pick out a psychotherapist, stay in a broken up relationship with my mother (edit: I mean, don't talk with my mother for now.), keep reading NMMNG!.
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2020
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  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I would really take that step if I were you. Digesting all those thoughts by yourself can be really exhausting. An objective view of a professional can really make things easier.
     
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  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    It might be good to tell your mom why you feel like you need some distance. So she won’t constantly try to contact or smother you when you take a step back. Asking for some room now that you’re older, to find out who you are and what you want and value in life, is perfectly reasonable.

    I used to be in a somewhat same relationship with my mom, I read the book as well and it helped me in setting healthier boundaries.

    You’re on the right path!
     
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  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    @Gil79, yeah, I plan to get a counsellor, psychologist, or both.

    @BoughtWithBlood, yeah, I'm already not talking with my mom. I think we had an unhealthy relationship in several ways.

    Status

    I tried looking up non-sexy women in dresses on the WWW by searching for red carpet. But then I saw someone in what appeared to be a see through dress and I went and FMOed. At least I didn't look up more sexy pictures or porn.

    As for sexual fantasies I've been writing down in a computer file which things I put into a sexual fantasy. Maybe that will help me quit. It doesn't seem to be making things worse.

    One thing that helps me have a sexual fantasy is fantasising about ex-girlfriends I have. In Christianity you're not suppose to be sexual with anyone except your wife. I wish I'd abided by this because me having been sexual with other people is making it really hard to stop FMOing. It's harder because, well, sexuality is fun and pleasurable, even if I'm thinking of women I haven't talked to in 10 years.

    Well, I'm glad I wrote out all that, but I don't know if it'll help.

    NMMNG! book

    The book says to make a list of men you admire and you'd like to be more like, who could be role models. It took me a day or two but I have a list of three men, now. I'm thinking following the recommendations in this book is going to solve a lot of my problems, including unwanted sexual activity and to help me get the sex I want. I'm so glad I make myself read it.

    For the future

    Keep at quitting the sexual fantasies for now, find out how to stop thinking of these ex-girlfriends sexually.
     
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Status

    No porn since last, probably 1 FMO.

    FMO and masturbation

    Content warning: rape.

    I am thinking that the reason I can't quit masturbating is because in the past I was slightly raped. My girlfriend did a little more than I expected, or thought was possible, and I think that qualifies as rape, somewhat. This was over 22 years ago and I still feel it affecting me, about half of the days or every day. Maybe I was too young or sexually inexperienced to have a sexual relationship with this girl, but I still wish I had stopped her. I was wrong to have a sexual relationship with this girl and having a romantic relationship was a bad idea most likely, too, but 22 years later it's the thing she did during oral sex that's bothering me the most almost every day. I don't know and I can't describe how but I think this is causing me to have the impulse to FMO 1-2 times a day for the past umpteenth years. The sexual fantasies I have sometimes seem related, but I think it goes a lot deeper than that, a lot deeper.

    Now, what to do about it. I could call the male survivors of sexual assault hotline in my area. But for now, I'll just put this confession on YBR and see what any of you guys say. And then maybe I can talk to an IRL man or counsellor about it.

    For the future

    Take it easy on myself for about a week. Keep at the NMMNG! book's advice of talking to older men. Keep refraining from porn and excessively sexual media. Keep finding activities to do that aren't porn.
     
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I am sorry to hear so. I think it would be really wise to talk to a professional about this. Have you ever searched the internet for a good counsellor close to you?
     
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks. Yeah, I felt like I had to confess it to the internet in order to get it to lose power over me. Yeah, I have researched counsellors and psychologists in the area. I don't know when I'll mention it to them, but maybe not soon. It was a long time ago and it was pretty small, so I might be over it by now.

    Again, I feel a lot better now, though counselling's probably a good idea, too. I appreciate your support. I'm glad I confessed this on the internet and saw what happens. Maybe it would have been slightly better if I had described what had happened without using the word rape, and just that it was unexpected by my girlfriend and probably not what I would have chosen, maybe it would have been better understood in that case.

    Status

    No porn or sexual fantasy or masturbation since my last post. Since my confession I've not been getting much temptation to have fantasies or MO. It might be great that I finally got it out of my system.

    Some porn cravings are coming back. I wonder if this will be the end of an easy waterslide of no PMO that I've been having lately, and that I'll have to go back to the hard work of turning down PMO cravings regularly every day. I guess I'll find out.

    NMMNG! book

    I still want to get a male role model, but the one I'm liking for now lives a long way away from me and I don't know if he'll appreciate a phone call. I'll give it some time.

    NoA(rousal)

    @NewStart19 hit the nail on the head when he said my habit was looking for arousing pictures on the WWW.

    I don't think it's wrong to find a picture of a woman in a full length dress looking terrific, but if there's anything in it that turns me on (skin, cleavage, legs, signs of sexuality) it's not going to help and it's basically porn lite^TM, and that'll keep me addicted.

    Maybe I should collect non-sexy images... or maybe I should get out more and compliment women on their looks if I see them at church or whatever.

    For the future

    Once again, thank you for your support, guys.

    I'm gonna keep reading the NMMNG! and trying to practice NoA.

    I'm anticipating a challenge in keeping out my no porn streak now that I don't have the temptations to FMO. I'll see what happens and post in a few days.
     

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