I think I could feel my brain rewiring

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nuclpow, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    No F, P, M or O since last.

    I spent Monday somewhat constructive. I think it was from all the work I put into making practical goals for my life plan. I wonder if I can keep up that pace every day. If I can I'll be greatly improve my life. I exercised slightly, I meditated, I did school and some work on employment.

    For the future

    Keep working on my life plan goals on a daily basis.

    @Gil79, thanks, good idea. I'll try to incorporate some of it into my plans.
  2. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I really agree with what @Gil79 said. It's really good to be aware of the things you would like to do in the near future, but having such a long list might make it overwhelming and could end up in you doing none of these things in the end. I guess it's best to have like a short list with some very concrete things you can do this week. Like this week I'm going to read in this book (for example) every day for half an hour or half an hour every other day. Especially repetitive tasks are a matter of building a habit and I find it easiest when I build a habit one or two at a time (depending on the habit). When something is in my system I can always add new habits.
    nuclpow likes this.
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    @Living, yes, I'm recontemplating the life activities to make a smaller and simpler list.


    I MOed yesterday, I'm not sure why... I guess I just missed it.

    As the days go by I don't feel tempted to porn or much to MO. I don't really know why it's easy for me. But I do feel like I wish I was getting more healthy socialising and was getting out more, and was in a sexual relationship. I feel a little compressed or grumpy because of the self-control I have to do to prevent myself from being sexual. I'm not sure I'm on the right track here.

    However, I'm not looking at porn anymore, and that's a godsend.

    I've read some posts here in YBR, years ago, where some people say: Have you tried defining yourself as a person who doesn't look at porn? And that it helps them not look at porn. I might be one of those people, now.

    Also I may finally have the "porn is not an option" mindset after years of trying. With my sex drive lowered, and several other things to do in the apartment, I can always find something other than porn to do.

    Keep working at it, fellow rebooters.
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Posting because I'm tempted to porn and MO.


    No porn or M since last. I've been clean.

    Boy, a lot of likes to my last post. I guess you guys are encouraging me because I might possibly be over porn. Thanks a lot.

    I'm triggered now from a completely non-sexy music video from the 60s. I knew the singer had later posed naked, though. There, I closed the video and now I feel better.

    Life plan

    I'm not doing well for organising my life plan. I have too much going on and it's a little out of control. Too many small things.

    I had a good conversation with one of my support team earlier, and I'm working on my anxiety with the help of an audio CD set that's supposed to help with anxiety. (Spoken word audio CDs.) So at least I did some work there.

    For the future

    Spend time working on my life plan again, to see if I can organise it and get a structure going.
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Posting mainly to keep at it.


    I watched a movie with nudity in it. I regret it now, but I thought I could reward myself by watching it (for the action, not the nudity). I'm not sure what to do now, I didn't focus entirely on the nudity and I didn't masturbate to it. I guess I don't know whether or not to watch movies with nudity in them. I did some masturbating after I watched the movie.

    I have the strong temptation to reset my counter, but I know I shouldn't because I didn't look at porn. Now I think I shouldn't have reset it last time.

    Meditation and exercise

    I forgot to meditate for a while, but I remembered yesterday. I haven't really exercised.

    Life plan

    I did a little work on my life plan this week. I think the idea is to keep at it whenever I can, and sooner or later I'll catch up.

    I guess there's not a lot going on, but there's been no porn which is good.

    For the future

    Keep working on my life plan and maybe think twice about movie nudity for now.
    Last edited: May 20, 2020
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  6. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    I really wouldn't worry about movie nudity, or really nudity in general. Porn is the problem, specifically whatever it is that makes you tick. Does looking at some medical journal nudity make you want to wack it?.....probably not. Unless you have a medical journal fetish, in which case.....HARDCORE MAN!!!:D
    A smoking hot fully but provocatively clothed insta chick gets my brain tickin far more than some movie nudity. To me, a lot of rap videos are far more porn-like than softcore, hell, even a lot of real porn.
    Now maybe it's how messed up my brain is but I could browse a porn tube site right now and if it didn't have the specific kind of content I want to watch on a given day, it doesn't in any way make me want to relapse to it. I may as well be watching Shamwow guy try to sell me some nonsense, I ain't having it. All kinds of stuff on youtube etc, even just pretty mundane stuff, does it for me more than generic porn does....all day long.
    My first point applies, up until you find yourself specifically watching a movie because you know there is something in there that will give you the druglike high that porn gives you. That is all our addiction is, it is an automatic response pattern our subconscious mind puts us through to get the easiest to get good feeling it currently knows how to get, so if you watch movies with nudity, and get turned on by it, then keep going back for more a few dozen times over a month, then you may have a problem. You've then created a neurological pathway, that says "that's the easiest source of the good feeling", and like a footpath in the woods that gets used more and more and gets more ingrained until what used to be a slight footpath is now a mud-bogged 4 wheeler trail with foot deep ruts. From then on that is the path your brain will tell you to take and it takes longer for the forest (your brain) to rejuvenate and make disappear that mudhole trail than a little foot path. What I just described is not just some figurative "pathway", the pathway is literally MEAT in our brains accommodating and changing and growing or atrophying, based on decisions we make. If one is into "MILFS", then there is a little piece of MILF MEAT in ones brain that wasn't there before one got into MILFS. And if that person stops looking at the MILF genre, the little piece of MILF MEAT will slowly atrophy .....o_Oo_Oo_O.......True story.....

    If you aren't turned on by it (more specifically, you don't get the druglike high), then you have nothing to worry about. IMO.

    If you were curious like I was, FYI, the domain name has already been registered...:D
    Last edited: May 21, 2020
    Gil79, Pete McVries and nuclpow like this.
  7. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I read your whole post, and I think I get what you mean, thank you. I'd still rather not see movie nudity, I guess because my religion disagrees with it and I feel uncomfortable with it, but you're right, it doesn't seem to be a pathway to porn for me. Thanks for telling me I'm not doing something dumb, and at the same time, how to continue to stay away from porn.

    MILF MEAT, you're hilarious :p.


    No porn or M since last. It's not requiring much effort, but it helps to work on my life plan. For example, today I did meditation and chores and talked with a supportive person.

    I decided to update my counter to my real no-PMO streak with some unintentional viewing of on-line nudity at about the 50 day mark. I am now well over 200 days and I am happy with my situation.

    Life plan

    I'm going to work on my anxiety level next in my life plan, because it's not necessary for me to have it so much or for so long. I've had it so long I forgot that I don't have to have it.

    For the future

    Keep on what I'm doing, but I hope I get more done on a daily basis.
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    I FMOed last night and a some M today.

    I'm gonna reprint the C. S. Lewis quote on masturbation to help motivation me not to have sexual fantasies that would be impossible and highly immoral in real life:

    “For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself . . . . And it is not only the faculty of love which is thus sterilized, forced back on itself, but also the faculty of imagination.

    The true exercise of imagination, in my view, is (a) To help us to understand other people (b) To respond to, and, some of us, to produce, art. But it has also a bad use: to provide for us, in shadowy form, a substitute for virtues, successes, distinctions etc. which ought to be sought outside in the real world—e.g. picturing all I’d do if I were rich instead of earning and saving. Masturbation involves this abuse of imagination in erotic matters (which I think bad in itself) and thereby encourages a similar abuse of it in all spheres. After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison."

    (Thanks to @Doper.) I feel pessimistic about that part about "leads the individual out of himself [ ... ] in that of another". It's that pesky Shcroedinger's Christianity again. Also my confidence is seemingly really low when talking about getting a woman my own age to marry me. It would probably help to quit FMO, making me more confident and more open to real women.

    For the future

    Continue to relax and try to keep my hands off my dick. Try not to get bugged too much by social rejection.
  9. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    Thank YOU nuclpow, I needed to read that again as much as anyone. For C.S. Lewis to be able to write such an incredibly eloquent take on the problem, one would have to assume he must have spent a lot of hours thinking about this issue and thus he himself had problems in this area. I guess we're in good company.
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    FMOed twice recently. No porn, though I've been slightly tempted. I watched another movie with nudity, but this one triggered me more because it was more pornographic. I think I'm over the triggers now.

    I'm not really getting anywhere in restricting my MOs to once every month and a half. To be honest, I'm not trying real hard. Part of it is that since I'm not looking at porn anymore I feel like I'm done, and don't have to do anything anymore. This is a bad idea because:
    1. I don't have my brain rewired yet, and I won't if I keep MOing (especially to porn-related fantasy)
    2. The above quote by C. S. Lewis is right, this fantasy leads me into prison and not to life, wife, and happiness
    3. Low masturbation leads to high testosterone and skin quality
    4. I'd just like to be "master of my domain" like the old Seinfeld episode goes, and plus I think masturbation is wrong if you can avoid it
    Maybe no-MO is another project and I'll have to start from scratch with it, including finding near term motivation that will work for me.

    Here's some reasons why I think I'm masturbating:
    • Seen sexy stuff on movies and Imgur
    • I feel imprisoned from self-isolation
    • Lonely for a family and a wife
    • I might be using it as an anti-depressant for feelings of depression
    @Doper, yeah, he may have been in masturbation as much as anyone. I wonder what he did to get out of it. Maybe he fostered healthy relationships with all kinds of different people, of different sexes and ages and religions, and that this led him out of it. That's all I can think of for now.

    For the future

    I gotta get out of the house, and I gotta find a replacement for FMO. I'll try to keep my mind open for solutions.
    Thelongwayhome27 and Gil79 like this.
  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    Well, I saw some nudity on the internet yesterday, when I was not careful enough and browsing pictures of hot girls on the internet, a bad habit on its own. I saw nudity, maybe even porn, although it was only one picture, not full frontal, and I didn't look at it that long. The visual image of it is still kicking around my brain, though. I'm not resetting my counter for now.

    I think I'm in a little danger of slipping and PMOing. My filters didn't catch the image above, but they'll catch most other porn, and I have them on still. I may have to remind myself that if I begin PMOing again I'll:
    • Feel self-conscious in front of hot girls, or other people in general
    • Have my nose run a lot
    • See bizarre things people were never meant to see
    • Escalate into ever weirder or hardcore content
    • Lose my skin quality
    • Have my apartment stick from all the masturbation I'd be doing
    • Lose my sleep schedule and stay awake too long
    • Fail to do chores and life-enhancing things that I do now
    I don't seem to feel it at the deepest levels of my mind that internet porn ruins my life.

    That and I have to give up the habit of looking at sexy or hot pictures on the internet. I think that'll take a while to do.

    For the future

    Continue to stay away from porn and maybe think of a way to punish myself for slipping. (But I should still reward myself for getting over 200 days.)

    Yeah, the habit of looking at hot chicks on Imgur and the rest of the WWW is a bad one, but I don't know how to quit it yet, even if it does tend to lead to porn with me.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    @nuclpow, punishing doesn't work. Besides, what you need to do now is pat yourself on the back for making the right decision. You turned the situation around and you came here to deal with it so you can continue healthy living. I think you're doing an excellent job.
    -Luke-, nuclpow and Pete McVries like this.
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    That's a great post, @Gil7, thanks.

    I'm still feeling fairly freaked out for having seen the nudity, which might be my punishment there and reasonable consequences for me.

    I plan to post again here when I feel calmer. Fortunately no nudity or porn since last, an insignificant amount of M.
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    That C.S. Lewis quote is spot on! Great job on the not looking at any porn! As said above, give yourself a pat on the back! You deserve it.

    Then afterwards, work on the next step :)

    nuclpow likes this.
  15. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood, okay, okay, I'm giving myself a pat on the back. There.


    No porn since last. A little M but I gave up and put my sperm rag away.

    Now that I've patted myself on the back I'm not sure what my next step is. I prayed about it.

    For the future

    I guess I have to get out of the habit of looking at sexy or hot pictures on the internet. Maybe I should do chores or watch TV if that idea comes up.

    Keep it up fellow rebooters.
  16. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    Just stopping in to say wow!, 241 days without porn. You're basically two-thirds of a year porn-free. Fantastic! Maybe you deserve another pat on the back ; ).

    Keep it up!
    Thelongwayhome27 and nuclpow like this.
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    Not much new to report. No porn, nudity, or masturbation since last. I feel good.

    I've meditated inconsistently over the last week or two.


    I remembered I get some free counselling sessions and I've been leaning towards going. I'll have to wait until Covid-19 is over, but I probably badly need to go and it'll be great if I do.

    For the future

    Go over my life plans again and see what I want to do next.

    Stay on course, fellow rebooters.
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I'm really thankful that I've been able to live without porn for that long. I gave myself a pat on the back. I'm so thankful that I haven't had to put up with PMOing and all the consequences from it. I feel good.

    I'm running out of medication, hopefully I won't relapse on Sunday from lack of medication reducing my sex drive.

    I still haven't had a chance to reward myself for 150/200 days clean due to Covid-19, but it's still on my mind to do.

    Maybe I should also reward myself by taking it easy and doing things I enjoy, like watch television/movies.

    Thanks for your post, @NewStart19.
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member


    Still no porn or masturbation since last. Some TV nudity that didn't trigger me. (Maybe it would have driven me nuts when I was a teenager.) I feel good and not stressed about porn at all. Some minor porn temptations over the last week or so.

    I don't think I'm rewiring, that is, getting my frontal lobes back to 100% functioning. I'm not sure what to do about that. I guess I have to keep applying my mind to solving my life problems, and avoid masturbation whenever I can and porn.

    Building girl

    I sent a text message to the girl I like in the building saying I found her kind and intelligent and I wanted to talk to her more often. I got socially rejected though. She said "Who is this?" and phone called me and hung up right away. I guess she's nice in public but doesn't want a relationship of much or any kind. Is this what you guys think?

    Helping others

    I have a streak of 247 days, and that's due to a lot of help given me by Your Brain On Porn, other members of the porn quitting community like here, other self-help help book and I even think assistance from God. But I notice that a lot of you who have helped me don't have as long a streak as I do. So, I want to help others here, so maybe I'll participate in some journals and try to get to know people's stories. I think having filters and being on meds that reduce my sex drive have helped me stay clean, too. I'm not sure those solutions will work for others, and I don't want to waste their time or mess up their reboots, so I guess I'll have to be careful.

    But I plan to try to help others here, slowly, carefully, if I can.
    BoughtWithBlood and NewStart19 like this.
  20. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Maybe she was confused because she didn't recognize your number? Or she's very shy? Or maybe she doesn't want to go further than talking now and then. Either way, it was brave of you to ask her.
    nuclpow likes this.

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